


The Heavy Weight of Living

by Basilintime



Series: Impression upon Space [3]
Category: Pacific Rim
Genre: Angst, F/M, Loss, M/M, Misunderstanding, Post canon, figuring out how to live again, picking up the pieces, post drift issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-01
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-02-07 02:02:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 142,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1880904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basilintime/pseuds/Basilintime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a few months the group now gets thrown into the world wide media tour they've all been dreading. Hermann worries about Newton's ability to cope though the man puts on a show of being excited for his chance in the spotlight. On top of that all they deal with the consequences of drift, of living and perhaps finally confront their feelings for each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stepping forward out into the day

**Author's Note:**

> I'm continuing my trend of taking titles from songs. The fic and chapter names are from "The Weight of Living, Pt. 1" by Bastille. 
> 
> This one takes place after both Scream and PioHLT in the timeline of the series.

                Three months, that was what they were given before the PPDC told Herc that they had to start press tours. It wasn’t enough time but it was quite possibly that there never would have been enough time for them to be prepared. It would be six months of interviews, meetings, talks and parties that not a single one of them was looking forward to. Newton tried, he tried to pretend he was excited to get his moment in the spotlight but he was fooling no one.

                To say he was better after the ordeal at the hotel was perhaps an overstatement but he was acting more like himself. He’d lost some of that tension and he didn’t cry quite so often though Hermann still came upon him with tears clinging to his lashes from time to time. It wasn’t that Hermann had expected the man to have gotten over the weight of loss from that one night alone but he had been hoping it would cease some of the more troubling side effects. The one that concerned him the most was the times Newton seemed to slip away somewhere while standing there.

                Hermann had experienced some of the disassociation, the sudden feeling of distance from his own self to some place deep and dark where ocean currents pulled upon his soul. For whatever reasons, whether it was due to the fact that he had only drifted once with the Kaiju or the fact that he’d never drifted solo with the hive mind, Hermann was able to ground himself when this happened and pull himself back to the present. Newton seemed to lack this capability or perhaps he simply didn’t care to pull himself back. He’d confessed once to Hermann that those moments almost felt peaceful to him, floating amongst the ocean currents as though he was a part of it like Chuck now was.

                Newton always spoke about Chuck in a hushed tone though he _would_ talk about him. He didn’t avoid the subject like he had done with Caitlin for so long. Hermann was relieved when he found that Newt was finally able to talk about her as well after their whole ordeal. They had started to share memories every now and then and as time passed it became a little easier for them to read off each other. It seemed that even with the ghost of the drift practice could make perfect.

                They still hadn’t discussed their feelings. Hermann had tried once but he’d found the words caught in his throat and he’d turned the conversation away. For a while he had kept quiet because he didn’t want to burden Newton with even more emotional baggage, but now he wasn’t certain he could continue to say it was for the other man’s protection and not his own. He’d felt it, he was certain, that tug of something deep from Newton while they were in the drift. It seemed to much easier to keep quiet though, to wait and see how that shared moment would play out rather than to tear it out into the light of day. Words suddenly didn’t seem to fit.

                They would be leaving the next morning, their little group of six, heading out into the world to be assaulted by cameras and microphones. They would start in San Francisco where it all had started when Trespasser had torn through their understanding of the universe. Hermann thought it was perhaps in bad taste though he was glad the initial plan had fallen through. Initially they would have followed a tour path that led them along the chronological trail the Kaiju had taken across the Pacific, ignoring duplicate locations, of course. This had discounted too many hot spots though that it had been thrown out in favor of a more straight forward approach.

                They would start in San Francisco still but from there they’d head roughly east in trajectory from there out. San Fran, Vancouver, Ottawa, New York, Brasilia and that would just be the start of it with varying lengths of time depending on just how many people wanted them to make an appearance at the specific locations. Hermann was dreading it all. He hated the crowds, the pushy reporters and the expectation that they all play their roles of charming, humble saviors to be adored. The Jaeger pilots had always been expected to play that part throughout the war, to ignore all the ways it could leave a person scarred to make it seem glamorous instead.

                Vanessa was due in just a few short weeks and Hermann would rather be there with his sister and her wife while they awaited their child. He’d rather drag Newton with him on an actual vacation that didn’t end in emotional trauma so that perhaps the man could have the peace and quiet that he needed. They all needed but weren’t fortunate to be permitted to have.

                Hermann sighed as he pulled his glasses off, sitting in the near silent lab as he rubbed at his tired eyes. He’d been coming here during the days for something to do and it wasn’t as though their work had ceased completely with the closing the breach. Tendo still spent time monitoring and running things up in LOCCENT, Herc was dealing with the political aspects the best he could, and then Mako and Raleigh had found their place running through diagnostics and training. After all, there was no saying that the breach would actually stay closed.

                Newton was perhaps the only one who hadn’t really been working though there was a pile of work building up on his desk. The man was still too scattered to focus and Hermann got the distinct impression that dealing with anything related to the Kaiju was too much still. That didn’t mean the man was absent from the lab entirely though, he often found his way down there to spend time hovering near Hermann. He was there even now though he’d fallen asleep on the couch about an hour ago with headphones in because Hermann had finally snapped when his deplorable choices in music had made it too hard to focus.

                Hermann pulled himself up from his desk, collecting his cane before moving stiffly over to the couch to shake Newton gently awake. The man startled slightly, green eyes flying open as he scrambled to pull the headphones off until he saw that it was Hermann standing over him. He relaxed once more, stifling a yawn with the back of his hand as he sat up.

                “It would be best if we went to sleep so we’re rested in the morning. We leave quite early,” Hermann said as he reached to straighten Newton’s glasses slightly. He pulled back when he realized what he was doing but Newton didn’t comment on it as he nodded.

                “Right. That’s tomorrow isn’t it.” Hermann narrowed his eyes at Newton slightly and got a sheepish expression in return.

                “I reminded you this morning that you needed to be packed and ready-“

                “I know, I know, I just…wasn’t really listening.” Newton shrugged, trying for an apologetic grin to battle against the glare that Hermann had leveled on him. “I was kind of out of it this morning. I got some of it ready but…” Hermann sighed and shook his head as he offered Newton his hand to help the man up off the couch. The man had been rather out of this that morning at breakfast but Hermann had hoped he’d been at least half listening to him. Clearly he had been mistaken in not checking earlier that Newton had actually gotten his bags ready for their trip.

                “Come along, we’ll attempt to get you prepared. I will not be helping for more than an hour; however, I do not wish to be exhausted when we arrive at the airport.”  Newton nodded, accepting his hand as he stood though they both ended the point of contact once he was standing. They moved through the halls together, the Shatterdome almost disturbingly quiet now that more than half the staff had left. There was work to be done, yes, but the PPDC had seen little reason to keep the place fully staffed when there wasn’t an immediate threat and none of the Jaegers had survived so there was no need for upkeep. “Are you feeling up for this, Dr. Geiszler?”

                “What? Are you kidding? Of course I am, Hermms, we’ll finally be able to show everyone what rockstars we are!” Newton sounded excited but when Hermann focused on him he could feel the tight anxiety that had settled in Newt’s chest. Newton frowned at him, reaching to give Hermann a gentle shove that was more just a brush of a hand on his shoulder. Newton wouldn’t risk actually pushing Hermann and having the man hurt his leg, but it was enough to let Hermann know he’d been found out. Newton always knew when Hermann was prying because he’d feel the ghost of Dr. Gottlieb’s pain he constantly felt in his thigh and hip. It was infuriating as Hermann had no clear, concise way to know when Newton was doing the same to him. “I’ll be fine, Hermms. We’ll all be fine.” Newton sounded less certain than he tried to pull off and he fidgeted with his tie as they stepped into the lift that would take them down to the floor below that held their bunks.

                “Just remember that if any of it gets to be too much-“

                “I know, tell you or Herc, I’m not a child Hermann,” Newton said with a petulant huff as he crossed his arms over his chest. Hermann pursed his lips tightly, eyeing Newton silently for a few moments. He had been finding it hard to come upon the right formula of helpful but not coddling with Newton and it was proving a difficult balancing act in no little part due to the man’s ever shifting moods. Some days Newton seemed to want to be reassured while others he’d get irritated by the attention. It was incredibly similar to dealing with a child though he knew better than to voice that.

                “We just worry, Newton.” Hermann spoke softly as the doors to the lift slid open. Neither of them made any move to step off as they looked at each other and for a moment there was that spark of connection again. Hermann tried to convey in that breath of time his worry, his fondness and concern, and he could at the same time feel Newton’s anxiety and frustration that seemed to be aimed more at the man himself than at Hermann or Herc Hansen.

                “I know,” Newton said quietly and Hermann wasn’t entirely certain if the man was responding to what he’d said or what he’d tried to make the other feel. Newton wasn’t going to be any help in deciphering this either as he moved to step out into the hall only to realize that the doors had closed again. Hermann suppressed a small smile as he lifted his cane, pushing the button to open the doors up for him. Newton gave a little laugh as he glanced at him with a hint of embarrassment. “Maybe what you really need to be worried about is me not paying attention and walking into walls.”

                “Dr. Geiszler, I’ve always been concerned about the catastrophes that may occur when you are not paying enough attention to your surroundings,” Hermann said haughtily as they started down towards Newton’s bunk.

                “Please, when have I ever-“

                “I do believe I recall at least one occasion where you got so wrapped up in singing along to your deplorable music that you managed to contaminate a section of the lab or the time when you failed to pay attention whilst loading your centrifuge and it was so poorly balanced it self-destructed,” Hermann said primly before Newton could even fully protest. Newton gave a bark of laughter beside him as they stopped outside his door, Hermann waiting for Newton to open the door.

                “If I remember right you were the one distracting me. We were arguing about something,” Newton said, face scrunched slightly in concentration as he tried to remember what they’d been fighting about at that specific time. He finally shook his head, giving up on the endeavor as they moved into his room. Hermann stopped in the doorway and looked around with an appalled air. It appeared as though some minor tropical storm had blown through Newton’s room scattering all his belongs about in a mess.

                “My word, Newton…”

                “Oh, yeah, that happened.” Newton gave a short laugh that was full of nerves as he moved to try and pick up some of the clothing and paper that was lying about at random. Newt’s room was often a mess but not quite like this, not in this whirlwind like state of debris that spoke of the frantic shifting of items with little concern.

                “What exactly is it that happened?” Hermann asked, stepping far enough inside that he could close the door behind them. Newton stood amongst the mess and gave him a lost little look that made Hermann’s heart ache a bit.

                “Like I said, I started to get some of it together but then I ah…” Newton was fidgeting again and wouldn’t meet Hermann’s eyes as he glanced around at the disaster that his space had become. “I couldn’t find his dog tags, the old set Herc had found…I um, may have freaked out for a little bit…” Herc had cleaned out Chuck’s bunk after the first month, a process that had worn on the man leaving him tired and short with everyone in the dome. There hadn’t been much, the move to Hong Kong had been on short notice and most of the Hansen’s things had been left back in storage in Sydney at the time, but Herc had come across an old pair of dog tags from when Chuck was still in the academy that his son had apparently been using to hold his place in an old copy of Richard III. He’d given them to Newton knowing that the man hadn’t been left with much to remember Chuck by.

                “Did you find them, Newton, or do we need to recommence looking?” Newton looked up at him at last to give that sad little smile of his and he shook his head.

                “We’re good, I found them. They were where they should have been I just…hadn’t looked good enough and then things got out of hand.”

                “Good, now, where is your suitcase? We have a lot of work to do,” Hermann said with a frown, glancing at the clothing and knowing it would be easiest for them both not to dwell as the crisis had passed. Instead he focused on the task ahead of them; obviously they couldn’t pack enough to last an entire six months though it would appear that Newton had enough clothing for that option to be a possibility. However, they would need to make sure there was enough variety to cover the different climates they would be traveling through. Newton dragged a beat up old suitcase covered in stickers and paraphernalia from the closet and they set to work, bickering about practical choices and fashion sense along the way. Hermann ended up helping out for far longer than the hour he’d hoped for and in the end they’d both passed out on Newton’s bed with his suitcase finally packed.

                Morning came far too soon and Herc came to knock on the door when they weren’t up and ready to go on their own. Hermann grumbled at Newton about how if he’d not argued for half an hour about bringing a particularly grungy looking t-shirt along with them that they’d have gotten a decent amount of sleep. Herc didn’t bat an eye when they both came out of Newton’s bunk, waiting patiently for Hermann to collect his bags from his room before they all shuttled off to the helipad. They’d get flown over to the private landing strip the PPDC had established at the airport and then they’d be on their way to San Francisco.

                They were all quiet as they bordered the plane, Raleigh looked tired and in need of more sleep while Mako was bright and alert in comparison. Tendo was the one to show up with coffee and bagels for them all, only getting a half-hearted chastising from Herc for making them wait on him. Newton passed out almost as soon as they were in the air, head resting on Hermann’s shoulder while Tendo talked across the aisle about what their itinerary was once they landed. He paused at one point to give Hermann a meaningful look as he nodded his head at Newton, and Hermann had just pursed his lips and given a little shake of his head in response. Tendo sighed, rolling his eyes before continuing to detail the apparently fully booked week they were heading into.


	2. I know everything you don't want me to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They reach San Francisco and within hours of landing Hermann has embarrassed himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Poison & Wine" by the Civil Wars.

                                Twenty-six hours was a long time to spend sitting on an airplane as it made its way across the globe. Hermann had managed to doze off after a few hours, cheek resting against the top of Newton’s head as the man continued to sleep against his shoulder. When he woke up he had a terrible crick in his neck and Newton was awake watching some movie on his tablet. He was still leaning against Hermann though, letting the man use him as a pillow despite it likely not being comfortable. When he felt Hermann shift in an attempt to stretch he looked up at him a little wide eyed as though he’d been found doing something wrong. Hermann could feel the touch of heat in his cheeks, but he did his best to act as though waking up to find them in essence snuggled against each other didn’t faze him.

                When he had asked how they’d been airborne Tendo had been the one to answer him that it had only been eight hours all whilst giving Hermann a dreamy look, chin propped up on his hand as he leaned against the arm rest of the chair. Herc was sitting next to him hiding a smirk as he worked on his laptop, most likely making sure things were coming together smoothly for once they were further along into the tour. Tendo had mouthed the words ‘how cute’ at him before Hermann turned away, choosing to ignore the man though he’d had the impulse to make use of one of Newton’s more obscene hand gestures in the officer’s direction.

                They had passed the time between watching movies, reading and attempting to enjoy the meals that were made available. It was a small private jet made for their use but the food still had that bland quality due to the effects of the cabin’s pressurization and dry air on their sense of taste. Newton had inconspicuously allowed Hermann to share his ear buds, the two of them each listening to one half of the auditory experience as Newton played old Dr. Who episodes and Star Trek movies. Hermann dozed off and on throughout the flight and at one point they had all given in and played poker. Mako had ended up beating them all and Raleigh had been a close contender though Newton was adamant that they were somehow cheating together.

                By the time they’d landed in San Francisco, Oblivion Bay standing in sharp contrast to the still function sections of the city as they came in for the landing, they were all exhausted and ready to be checked into their hotel room. Their first evening was peacefully free from social engagements though they all knew first thing in the morning the madness would commence as the hired car took them towards the hotel.

                Herc doled out key cards after getting them checked in, reminding Mako and Raleigh that they were up to bat on the first interview early the next morning. Neither of the two Rangers looked particularly excited about this, summing up the feeling that seemed to be prevalent in the group as a whole, but they nodded dutifully. They’d all be placed in rooms on the third floor though they were somewhat spread out. The hotel was a higher end establishment though it was clear the PPDC had been conscious of the expense as they’d only been willing to pay for three room total for the six of them.

                It hadn’t been discussed explicitly who would stay with whom but they had paired off easily. Mako and Raleigh would have likely preferred to stay together even if they’d been able to get separate rooms as the two had been somewhat inseparable the last few months. It wasn’t even expressly due to any agreement of a relationship the two had formed but more that, as with all Jaeger pilots, they had fallen into doing things as a unit. Hermann suspected that they were starting to explore whether that connection would lead to a relationship but they were keeping quiet about it as was the preference of them both; with the tour though the chances of them being able to keep it as such would dwindle.

                “Past experience makes me feel the need to request you two keep it down if there’s any disagreements,” Herc had said to Newton when he’d handed him the key cards to the room he’d be sharing with Hermann. The Marshall had leveled a serious look at Newton though there was a hint of a smirk on his lips. Herc had taken to teasing Newton lightly, always in a discreet way but there was a fondness behind it. Though Hermann wouldn’t admit it out loud he felt like Herc was trying to fill some of the emptiness left behind by his son with Newton as well as trying to perhaps make up for some of the failings in his relationship with Chuck while he was alive.

                “I assure you we will present ourselves with the utmost professionalism,” Newton had said back in that voice he used when he was trying to mock Hermann. It had always sounded utterly ridiculous, Hermann did _not_ sound like that. Tendo made a quiet sound of amusement from where he was standing just a short ways down the hall and Hermann shot him a look, getting an unabashed grin in return.

                “You are utterly ridiculous, Dr. Geiszler, I do not sound like that,” Hermann muttered, snatching one of the key cards out of the pocket on Newton’s shirt front so he could head off towards the room though he didn’t manage to stop the short salute he made towards Herc out of habit. Newt gave a snort of laughter and even Herc cracked a slight smile as he lazily returned the gesture in a manner that seemed a bit half-hearted. Despite his history Herc had never been one for the strict decorum that Stacker had appreciated.

                “Drinks in an hour?” Tendo said with a raised eyebrow as Hermann walked past him. Hermann gave a short nod after contemplating the offer and deciding that an alcoholic beverage had its merit right then. Tendo’s smile broke into a grin at his agreement as Newton scrambled to catch up with Hermann.

                “Dr. Geiszler,” Tendo said with a far more accurate impression of Hermann as the biologist passed him.

                “Mr. Choi,” Newton replied haughtily, doing a mock salute while doing a horrendous job at keeping a cheeky grin off his face.

                “I swear, it is like dealing with five year olds,” Hermann snapped over his shoulder, hearing the laughter behind him as he pursed his lips to keep the smile off his own face. It  was always heartening to hear Newton joking like normal again, and Hermann focused for a fleeting second on the man to feel that light amusement. He stopped at the door, Newton catching up as he put the key card into the reader.

                “It’s like you forget that I know when you’re prying,” Newton said quietly to him, his tone light so that Hermann knew he wasn’t upset.

                “Yes, and I never know when _you_ are. It is incredibly unfair,” Hermann said with a sigh, pushing the door open and letting Newton enter the room first. The room was at least not cramped and it appeared clean as Hermann eyed it critically. Newton moved immediately to one of the two beds and started to strip the comforter off, tossing it into a corner of the room with a look of disgust on his face before seemingly debating whether the sheets faced the same fate. “Just what are you doing?”

                “Are you kidding, Hermms? You do know what people tend to do on hotel beds…or on hotels everything,” Newton said, motioning towards the room as a whole with a slightly disturbed look.

                “Since when have you been bothered by unsanitary conditions, Dr. Geiszler?” Hermann said, now eying the second bed with suspicion as he realized just how correct Newton’s statement was. Perhaps he needed to contemplate removing the bedding from it as well or at least the comforter as Newton had done.

                “Um, hello, Microbiology is amongst my six degrees.”

                “Remind me; is that one of your two honorary degrees?” Hermann said succulently and got a glower in return. This was a familiar track for them in their arguments, Newton reminding Hermann how many doctorates he had while Hermann points out that two of those were honorary and the other four were all in related fields. 

                “No, that’s not one of the honorary degrees Hermann and you know that. And for a guy who’s looking like he’s contemplating burning his bedspread now you’re sure being awfully judgey,” Newton said, apparently deciding he wasn’t as worried about the sanitary state of the sheets that much as he flopped down onto the bed.

                “I did not state that your assessment of the conditions were incorrect, simply that given the typical state of your own bunk I am surprised by your sudden concern over what organisms or biological material has been left behind in a hotel,” Hermann said, using his cane to shoved the comforter down towards the end of the bed before carefully gathering it to deposit on top of the one Newton had discarded.

                “That’s because my bunk is full of my own biological material and microorganisms, Hermms. Here its other peoples’, _stranger’s_ , sperm and juices all over the place covering every surface,” Newton spoke dramatically though Hermann could tell he was now just trying to get him riled. “Did you know that ejaculation can travel up to three feet, Hermms? That may not sound like a great distance but that’s still an awful lot of places that some guy’s load could have ended up.”

                “Will you stop being so crass, Newton. You are absolutely appalling,” Hermann muttered though he could feel that itch of disgust run up his back that made him feel the need to shower.

                “The shower’s probably the worst. Think of all the shower sex, Hermms,” Newton said with a falsely horrified whisper and Hermann knew beyond a doubt now that Newton was prying. The comment didn’t have the effect that Newt was going for though as Hermann felt his face flush, suddenly recalling quite vividly the image of Newton fully dressed and soaking wet under the spray of the contamination shower in the lab.

                “If you are done being crude I’m supposed to be meeting Mr. Choi for drinks, I’d best not keep him waiting,” Hermann said in a rush, hoping that Newton hadn’t still been tuning in when he’d felt the flash of embarrassed arousal though he had by the wide-eyed stare Hermann was currently getting. He didn’t give Newton a chance to respond as he turned and walked out the door; quick to close it behind him as he heard Newton call his name. He knew his face was colored with his embarrassment, but now that he was outside of the room he almost felt worse because of his reaction.

                It was the drift, it was the damned drift that left him far more vulnerable than he’d expected when he’d agreed to it. He wouldn’t take back that decision for the world, not with Newton there with him, alive and, though perhaps a little damaged, still mainly whole. He was so use to being able to hide his emotions behind a mask of disdain and indignation that knowing Newton could at any moment simply pull out the truth behind his reactions left him feeling…what? Raw? Frightened? Delighted? Hermann wasn’t entirely certain himself if he was being honest. He startled when he heard Newton’s voice on the other side of the door, quiet and a bit timid.

                “Hey…ah,” Newton seemed to flounder slightly and Hermann thought of prying himself, but no… _Newton_ would know. “When you come back don’t worry too much about the sheets, yeah? They should wash those regularly so they’re usually pretty clean.” He knew it was meant to be an apology which only made Hermann feel worse. It hadn’t been the bickering or even Newton’s insistence on pointing out what likely did coat most surfaces within most hotel rooms; it had been Hermann’s own thoughts, emotions and ill-timed reminders of his desires that had driven him from that room. It was only the first evening of this six month trip and already he was managing to make a mess of things.

                “Thank you, Dr. Geiszler, that is good to know. I shall be back later….”

                “You need a room key?” There was a hint of that teasing tone in Newton’s voice again and Hermann swore lightly as he realized that he did indeed lack his key card. He’d left it on the top of his suitcase and given the fact that he rather hoped Newton would be asleep when he returned he would need it.

                “Yes, thank you,” he said with a sigh and heard Newton retreat into the room again to grab one of the key cards. Hermann stood up straight, feeling relatively certain that his face had returned to its normal color once more as he waited. Newton returned quickly, opening the door to peek out at him uncertainly as he handed the card to Hermann who took it gently. “If you need anything I have my phone with me.”

                “Oh, I’ll be fine. Probably just clean up and then sleep,” he said brightly, giving Hermann a little wave before closing the door again. Hermann frowned lightly at the door for a moment deciding that snooping wouldn’t be too uncalled for just then as he tried to focus in on that tug in the back of his mind that was Newton. Mainly there was fatigue, which made sense after the long trip, a small hint of jittery nerves mixed in with, Hermann was slightly glad to say, Newton’s own touch of embarrassment. “Hermann.”

                “Yes, right,” Hermann said when Newton’s teasingly disapproving voice came from somewhere beyond the door. He’d been caught once more but Newton hadn’t sounded truly upset with him and perhaps there was a touch of fondness that came through before Hermann mentally pulled back from their connection. He went to the elevators, lingering over the sensation and wondering just when that particular discussion would happened. Every time he thought about approaching the conversation with Newton it would abruptly feel too large a thing, too potentially charged like an electron that’s been raised to a higher energy state and that speaking of it would cause them to fall back to where they started. Things were different now, perhaps not in an obvious manner but there was a closeness that they’d settled into as though the gravitational pull between them had increased causing an alteration in their previous orbits. He didn’t want to be the thing that snapped that tenuous line and sent them spiraling outwards once more.

                He was early for drinks though he’d known he would be when he’d left the room. He couldn’t have stay after that loaded thought had sparked across his nerve endings, no doubt echoing through Newton’s own. It wasn’t the first time some flush of desire had caught him at the wrong time, flickered through his mind while Newton was unfairly listening in. Hermann knew it wasn’t necessarily the fact that Newton had felt that moment of lust at Hermann’s clear memory of the man angry and wet after being shoved into the contamination shower that was bothering him, and he stared at his reflection in the mirrored elevator doors as it took him down towards the lobby. If he was honest with himself, the thing that weighed upon him was the fact that he’d never felt a reciprocate wave of desire from Newton where it concerned him.

                Granted, Newton had the advantage in the situation. He was so much better at navigating their connection than Hermann, able to slip in and out of Hermann’s mind without leaving a trail. Hermann had a tell, Newton always knew and always called him on it, but for Dr. Geiszler there was no such sign. Granted, Newton rarely hid the fact that he was poking and prodding his way into Hermann’s thoughts, he typically made a show of it. Still, Hermann had expected (hoped perhaps) that there would be moment where it slipped through unguarded as had occurred with him. There was that fondness, moments of adoration and at times that larger feeling that Hermann would hazard to call love, but there had never been desire and he knew it was not for a lack of passion on Newton’s part. Looking at himself now he wasn’t sure he could fault Newton if there was a lack of physical attraction. He was no Chuck Hansen, he’s wasn’t classically handsome and he couldn’t say that pretty really covered it either.

                And though Newton had always been rather open about how little the perceived gender roles and traits played a part in his attraction towards people it would be a false assumption to conclude that it meant Newton was attracted to everyone he met. Perhaps Hermann was someone Newton was fond of but had no actual physical attraction towards.

                The elevator doors dinged as they opened, pulling Hermann out of his critique of his own form and he stepped around a young man who had been waiting for the lift. The lobby was quiet with only a few people milling about and Hermann made his way to the attached bar, any lingering flicker of joy over that touch of affectionate feeling from Newton having been effectively wiped out by his own thoughts. Tendo found him a while later, sliding onto the bar stool next to Hermann and looking at him with raised eyebrows.

                “So, you started without me. That’s rather rude, Hermy,” Tendo said jokingly, patting him on the back as he motioned to the bartender. He waited to make further comment until the man had taken his order and he had his mojito in front of him. It was an exceptional show of restraint on Tendo’s part that he’d managed to even wait that long, but inevitably he swiveled on the stool to look at Hermann. “What happened, dark and sullen?”

                “Shower sex,” Hermann stated with a sigh, contemplating what would be his third glass of what had turned out to be rather good brandy in less than twenty minutes. It had perhaps been advisable for him to have ordered some food as well as he could feel the hum of the alcohol in his prefrontal cortex and his cheeks were a bit warm from something other than humiliation. The words caught Tendo mid-sip and the man was suddenly coughing besides Hermann in surprise. “Not actual shower sex, granted, I believe I’m not physically attractive enough to Dr. Geiszler for that to be any sort of potential.”

                “Ok, so, I’m taking this away,” Tendo said, reaching in front of Hermann to take the brandy out from his reach. Hermann didn’t put up a fight as he hid his face in his hands, hearing the man ask the bartender if they could get some chips and artichoke dip. “You’re eating something and then explaining.”

                “There is nothing to explain.”

                “I beg to differ when you’re first words to me were shower sex,” Tendo said, face expressive as always as he gave Hermann a skeptical look. “Not to mention the whole not physically attractive nonsense.”

                “Dr. Geiszler…Newton, was simply aiming to cause me discomfort over the lack of sanitary conditions within hotel rooms by choosing to point out the customary activities that many guests likely partake within them and the distance in which their…ah, emissions might travel. One of the locales he mentioned was the shower.”

                “And so, shower sex,” Tendo said, giving the bartender a cheeky grin when the man chose that moment to return with a bowl of chips. The man just rolled his eyes, apparently not fazed by the line of conversation speaking of just how correct Newton had likely been about the activities of hotel patrons. “I’m still a little lost here, Hermy, how did that lead to you being tipsy enough to say ‘shower sex’ without looking as though you’ve swallowed a lemon whole.”

                “You may recall there was an unfortunate incident in the past where Mr. Hansen and I were under the impression that Newton had experienced an exposure from one of his specimens and working in tandem forced the man into the contamination shower of the lab. I happened to think of that moment and specifically how he had looked while drenched head to toe,” Hermann said with a slight groan.

                “And?” Tendo had that dreamy sort of grin on his face, no doubt attempting to imagine just what Newton had looked like at that instance.

                “The drift, Mr. Choi.”

                “Oh.” The smile sort of fell from Tendo’s face as he realized what Hermann was implying. “Did he freak out? Did he tell you that you weren’t attractive, Hermann?” Tendo sat up straighter, brows drawn low into a frown as he leaned towards Hermann. “Because if he did, you don’t listen to him. He’s stupid and blind, because honestly if I wasn’t married-“

                “Tendo, please, you do not need to explain what horribly inappropriate things you would do if you were not happily married,” Hermann said with a wave of his hand though he appreciated Tendo’s attempt to soothe his damaged ego. “Newton said no such thing. He barely even reacted, in fact, though it was clear I had made the situation uncomfortable.”

                “You just left, didn’t you?” Tendo said, switching from his protective demeanor to one of accusation within seconds. Hermann narrowed his eyes in a glare and Tendo groaned, shaking his head and giving Hermann the look of a disappointed parent. “Why, Hermann? Why did you just leave after a perfectly good opening to getting Newton into a shower with you?”

                “I highly doubt that would have been the outcome of the situation, Mr. Choi, as I stated I do not believe Dr. Geiszler finds me physically attractive and as such the likelihood that we would have found our way to a shared shower is very low,” Hermann said defensively. The bartender set the artichoke dip down, suppressing a look of amusement now at the two of them upon having heard more of the conversation. Hermann picked up one of the chip to use to scoop up some of the dip only to be a bit too aggressive in the maneuver and ending up with a broken chip instead.

                “You don’t believe? So he hasn’t actually said it?” Tendo said, getting a chip with a scoop of dip to his mouth far more gracefully than Hermann had managed to achieve. Dr. Gottlieb tried again, this time succeeding and finding that the dip actually was rather good. Granted, he’d not eaten anything since the plane ride where the food had tasted like cardboard but still.

                “I have never felt any distinct form of physical attraction from Newton since we drifted though I know he has caught on to my attraction to him in previous instances,” Hermann said delicately. Tendo gave him a sad sort of look, patting Hermann’s hand gently.

                “You think he’s maybe just not ready for that since…uh, Chuck,” Tendo said, his voice going a bit quiet and there passed a few seconds of silence between them at the mention of the young man.

                “I simply don’t know,” Hermann said, slouching in the bar stool slightly and Tendo moved the glass of brandy back over so that it sat in front of him.

                “Maybe with time, but don’t think for a second you aren’t beautiful Hermy. Now, you can drink that but only if you order a burger or something too. Despite the fact that I love and adore drunk Hermann it might be best not to get known for loud, inebriated discussions on physics right off the bat with this trip.”

                “This entire tour is going to be a disaster,” Hermann muttered, taking a drink of the brandy before requesting the required burger and fries from the bartender.

                “Mm, this tour is going to be amazing,” Tendo said with a light hum, taking a sip through the straw of his drink and giving Hermann an amused smile.

               

                They had spent a couple of hours down in the bar, talking and eating before they’d slipped into a companionable silence with each other. They’re talk had strayed to the typical things, what to expect on the tour, how Allison and Mac were doing and how Hermann’s family was doing in turn. They had eventually fallen into discussion on the readings coming from the breach, or more specifically from where it once had been. Things had been quiet, baseline readings remaining steady though there was always that silent fear that this would change. Tendo had led them away from this path in conversation when it got too heavy. Tendo was natural with directing a conversation which made things easier on Hermann who struggled with it. Having known each other for so long made things simpler as well.

                Hermann could still feel that buzz of alcohol slowing his responses though the food had helped immensely to where he was likely less inebriated by the time they headed up to the rooms as he had been when Tendo had joined him. He’d also slowed on his alcohol consumption which had helped matters as well. Tendo had already disappeared into the room he was sharing with Herc as Hermann lingered out in the hall. The room in front of him was quiet and it was very likely that Newton was asleep so he wasn’t certain why he was hesitating. He took a deep breath to steady himself as he used the key card to unlock the door, stepping inside to find the room dimly lit by one of the lights besides the furthest bed.

                Newton had pulled the curtains back at some point, revealing a view of the bay spreading out across the city with the wall being the only thing to cut off the view of the ocean beyond. Newton was sitting on the edge of the bed staring out the window, arms wrapped around himself as the man seemed not to notice him at first. Hermann felt a pang of sadness and worry for Newton as he set aside his key card and wallet on the desk before moving to sit next to Dr. Geiszler on the edge of the bed.

                “He would have probably hated all of this,” Newton said, voice a whisper in the stillness of the room. He leaned lightly against Hermann’s side, arms hugged against his own ribs tightly. “He was so much more than they thought he was.”

                “Then let us use this as an opportunity to share what he truly was like,” Hermann said, matching Newton’s hushed tone as he lifted his hand to rub over the man’s back in soft circles. Newton nodded against Hermann’s shoulder, curling into him just a bit.

                “I hate asking…”

                “It is fine, Newton. I will just need to freshen up and change,” Hermann said, not needing to know what the request was as it would be the same as it had been several nights since the closing of the breach. Newton shifted away from him so he could stand, and Hermann set about getting ready for bed. He took a quick shower, trying not to think about his rather illicit memory of Newton or the conjured up thought of the man being in the shower with him. When he emerged a while later in his pajamas, hair still slightly damp, he found Newton was still just sitting.

                He watched him for a few seconds while the man was distracted. There was always a sort of weighty sadness lingering around Newton, peeking out through the cracks in his defenses. It was never more obvious than during these times though where Newton seemed to slip away with the current. Hermann felt it too, that loss and longing tinged in blue hues, though he’d yet to pinpoint whether it was a side effect of drifting with the Kaiju or with Newton.

                “I’m all right.” Newton had apparently noticed him there as he spoke up, glancing back at Hermann and giving him a smile that didn’t quite reach those greens eyes. “You look ridiculous as always.”

                “Hm, just because I choose not to wear discarded rags to bed,” Hermann said stiffly, motioning towards Newton’s own wardrobe of a tattered and worn old t-shirt and boxers.

                “You look like an old man.”

                “You look like a delinquent. Now hush, it’d be best if we actually get some rest before tomorrow,” Hermann said with a stern look, moving to pull back the sheets of the bed. Newton gave a quiet laugh when Hermann eyed them suspiciously, clamoring to climb in on the other side. As was their custom Newton waited until Hermann had settled into a position that was comfortable for him, typically lying on his back, before Newton would curl up against his side. Hermann reached to turn the light off, leaving the room in the pale glow of the moon from the window.

                Newton gave a shaky sigh beside him in the dark, and Hermann carefully slipped his arm around him as he listened in the darkness for the man to fall asleep before letting himself drift off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not share Hermann's views on his appearance. The man is a beautiful, adorable nerd.


	3. I'd left him dreaming, the dangers fade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton's request to have Hermann sleep beside him isn't only for his own sake. The first day of interviews go a little roughly but overall they manage. However, there's still too many thing left unsaid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Night Terror" by Laura Marling.

Newton often watched Hermann sleep now in the early morning hours on the nights that they shared a bed. He had started the strange pattern between them out of selfishness and the desire to have someone beside him. It didn’t matter if it was his bed back at the Shatterdome or this bed here in the hotel room, they all felt vast and empty when he was alone anymore. It didn’t hurt that it was _Hermann_ who he got to curl up next to each time. He had continued to ask for those same selfish reasons as well as a few new selfish reasons, but in amongst all that he’d starting requesting Hermann stay for Hermann’s sake.

                The nightmares always seemed to occur in the early morning hours. Newton had nightmares all night though they were typically deprived of his own experiences of being chased by the Kaiju, of having Otachi come bursting through the concrete and asphalt to get to him down in the shelter. Every now and then a nightmare of Chuck would creep in, a fresh new thing created by his own mind, or memories of Caitlin. He hated the ones that echoed of his visions back in the old hollowed out hotel the most.

                Hermann’s nightmares always came around the same time though. They weren’t every night and Newton hadn’t figured out if the man even remembered he was having them when he woke in the morning though every indication was that he didn’t. Still, Newton had started to notice them during those nights of intimate sleeping arrangements. Once he had realized they were happening he’d started tuning in even on the nights when Hermann hadn’t stayed in his bunk and he’d feel the panic build in his lab partner’s subconscious until he’d be able to tell that Hermann had woken up afraid and confused across the hall. He didn’t wake up when he stayed with Newton, the fear didn’t build so high and cause so much stress.

                So, Newton had Hermann stay both for himself and for the man’s sake. He was awake now in that strange room at a hotel across the globe from where they’d woken up the morning before. He had squinted at the clock the best he could to try and gauge what time it was before giving up and just waiting. He’d either know when the nightmares started or he’d fall back to sleep if they didn’t. For the time being he watched Hermann, lips parted slightly and expression relaxed and peaceful. Newton liked these moments the most, where he could just observe Hermann without any of the stress or worry between the two of them.

                Chuck would tell him to kiss Hermann in moments like these, hell, Chuck would tell him to do a lot more to Hermann than just kiss him. He would have scoffed before and told Chuck to shut the hell up, but of all the things for the ranger to have been right about this had been one of them. He just wished that Chuck was still there for Newton to tell him so. He sighed, curling against Hermann’s side tightly as he felt the ache in his ribs from earlier threaten to come back. Thinking about Chuck still hurt, thinking in general still just sort of hurt.

                Newton looked up as he heard Hermann make a quiet noise in his sleep, a hum of distress in the back of his throat that made every part of Newton spark with concern. He had tried to keep track back in Hong Kong to see if he could gauge if there was some correspondence with when they had drifted to when Hermann’s nightmares started. He’d realized quickly that it didn’t line up though as Hermann was typically awake before that time rolled around. It had been after 0500 that they’d drifted, Newton remembered because he’d frantically checked his watch when Hermann had arrived with the PONS that morning. Still, he had thought there was some pattern to Hermann’s nightmares though the change in time zones confused that theory some.

                Hermann was frowning now in his sleep and Newton reached up to run a hand gently over the other man’s ridiculous hair. He tried to focus to send as many calm and relaxed emotions as Newton was capable of mustering anymore towards Hermann, trying to make it clear that he wasn’t alone. He could usually at least head off some of the frantic energy that would become a wound up knot of emotion spiraling off of Dr. Gottlieb. Newton would open himself up to it even though it usually caused a rising wave of panicked backlash of his own, because at least then Hermann wasn’t handling it alone.

                Hermann made another hum of fear, hand gripping the sheets beside him as the dream built. Newton wasn’t able to pinpoint just what the dream was though he hadn’t really ever tried to pry that far past the general emotion of it. It scared him a little, frightened him to think that if he saw whatever images were actually going through Hermann’s mind that he’d somehow make it worse the next time instead of better. He’d just end up compounding Hermann’s fear rather than calming. Tonight he didn’t seem to be doing much good at all though as Hermann shifted, physically reacting to the terrors in his mind.

                “It’s ok, Hermms,” Newton said, closing his eyes as he tried to fight that tidal wave of emotion back for them both. It felt like a losing battle but even with that warning Newton was startled when he was suddenly knocked away by Hermann as the man sat up straight in the bed, gasping for breath and looking around wildly. Newton scrambled over to him, fighting to keep Hermann from pulling away and falling off the bed so that the other man wouldn’t injure himself.

                He straddled Hermann’s legs where they were tangled in the sheets, cupping the man’s face in his hands so he could push their foreheads together. The connection had gotten easier for Newton to sort of control but it was still always strongest, clearest when they had the physical connection between them too.

                 “Hermann, it’s okay. It’s me, okay, you’re safe.” Hermann stared at him with slightly wild eyes for a moment before a confused frown came to his face, hands gripping Newton’s ragged t-shirt as Hermann mumbled his name. “Yeah, man, it’s me. It’s okay.” Newton held eye contact with Hermann for a long second before closing his eyes as he tried to focus on the calmest thing he could, the ocean. The quiet and steady crash of waves, blue hues and the pull of current as the ocean spread out empty and vast.

                He’d always thought the ocean was awesome but anymore he felt like it was an anchoring force that hummed through his system. He chose to believe it was only because he’d come to associate the ocean with Chuck but he knew that if he really examined it he could find all sorts of worrisome implications. Still, it was the most peaceful thing he could conjure, that image of the push and pull of waves that held nothing terrible beneath them and he tried to instill this image and feeling in Hermann’s mind. Hermann still gripped him tight but slowly that buzzing edge of terror faded to be replaced with just that consoling current. They sat in the bed, rocking slowly together like some flotsam caught in the roll of waves as their breaths became synchronized.

                “Newton.” Hermann stilled them with the word as they opened their eyes to look at each other. Their foreheads still touched but Newton dropped his hands away from where they’d been cradling Hermann’s face. He could feel the brush of Hermann’s breath on his lips making him aware of just how close they were and he was unfairly happy that Hermann hadn’t figured out the whole ghost drifting thing as well as he had in that moment.

                Newton felt that little twist of wanting in his gut but it was quickly squashed by his own fear, that fear of losing this too. It was irrational, the terror that if he slipped and let himself close that gap between them something terrible would come to tear Hermann away from him, but it rose up inside him anytime he’d contemplated taking that step. Newton pulled back now with a nervous laugh and he thought he saw a flicker of confused pain cross Hermann’s face before he put on a neutral expression.

                “Ha! Sorry, I just…well, you were having a nightmare so I thought…” Newton trailed off, purposefully not honing in on Hermann’s feelings just then though he was tempted. The connection between them was a constant thing but it was far from consistent. If Newton wasn’t concentrating on trying to feel the echo of Hermann’s emotions he could at times tune them out completely. Even when he listened he didn’t try to do what Hermann did; he always made sure that the other man would pick up on the fact that he was listening in rather than trying to be subtle about it. Granted, Hermann failed at his attempts at subtlety because the guy was always in some level of pain and it leaked through when he focused all that concentrated attention onto him but still. Hermann’s hands eased their grip on his shirt slowly, and Newton squinted at his face to try and gauge what the man was thinking. Even with their close distance Hermann’s face was slightly blurred to him in the dim light so it was hard to read.

                “It’s quite all right, Newton, thank you. It…It did help,” Hermann spoke primly, hands falling away completely and Newton figured it might be time to actually get out of the man’s lap. He sat on the bed next to Hermann, close enough he could still feel their arms brushing as a silence that didn’t feel like their typical comfortable quiet settled over them. He could be quiet with Hermann, had been several times, but this wasn’t one of those calm drifting of conversation that left one feeling satisfied and content. This was a loaded quiet full of the things they’d still not spoken about, the things they’d both seen and felt in the drift but that still needed words to fit them into place. The drift only seemed to give the illusion of not needing words and the more time that passed the great the need seemed to be. He was about to open his mouth, force some words out into that space between them when Hermann spoke again. “It is still early, Dr. Geiszler, it might be best if we try to get some rest.”

                “Oh, yeah, I guess we have a big day, huh?” Neither of them moved still, the faded light of the moon making the room seem flat and two dimensional around them. It felt almost like they’d slipped out of the actual dimensions of the world, time and space suddenly falling away to leave only this field of gravity that was sucking everything away like a black hole. “Do you remember the dream?” He wasn’t sure why he asked other than pure curiosity and the need for something to be said.

                “No. There are flickers of moments but they are fading quickly,” Hermann said with a quiet sigh and Newton felt that flash of an ache in his bones so he reached out to feel for Hermann’s hand blindly.

                “Do you want to talk about it?” Newton found Hermann’s hand at last though it was more like Hermann found his as the physicist reached out and linked their fingers together to stop Newton’s searching. “You can talk about it if you want or not. I don’t want you to think you have to talk about it if it’s like personal or something, but I’m here to listen if it might help.”

                “There is really nothing to discuss, Newton, thank you though. It really would be prudent of us to try and get more rest,” Herman said soothingly and Newton made a quiet noise of frustration. He was supposed to be soothing Hermann not the other way around, but it had become their cycle for them to always end back up at this point where Hermann calmed Newton’s worries while holding onto his own. This time they did move, shifting to lie back down together both of them staring up at the ceiling as they lay side by side. “Good night, Newton, I apologize for waking you.”

                “Night Hermann.” Newton thought their true problem was the fact that there was too much to discuss.

 

                Newton had a feeling that neither of them had really slept again that night though he must have dozed off at some point because the alarm startled him awake. He was alone in the bed though he could hear quiet noises coming from the bathroom and he forgot for a moment who was in there. He clamped his mouth shut just before he called out for Chuck, cursing his brain for a few seconds as he felt that distress press in on his chest. He was getting better about it, about not waking up and forgetting that Chuck wasn’t there, but it still snuck up on him sometimes. He reached over to turn the alarm off, shutting out the voices from over the radio waves and leaving nothing but the discreet sounds of Hermann getting ready to filter out to him.

                Newton sat up in the bed feeling a little like a zombie because this was not the correct time for morning to be happening. This was the completely opposite time that morning was supposed to occur; and now having moved even that miniscule amount he felt like a zombie. Hermann peeked out at him from the bathroom looking a bit more put together but rather like he belonged in a zombie movie himself.

                “Good, you are awake. We’ll need to get going if we wish to observe Ms. Mori and Mr. Becket’s interview this morning and then we will have our first interview his afternoon,” Hermann said, ducking back into the bathroom for a moment before coming out and giving Newton a shy sort of look. Newton grumbled as he kicked the sheets off, pausing to sit and regain his energy once this task was done and Hermann ‘tsked’ lightly at him. “Come on, Dr. Geiszler, we don’t have time to terry.”

                “How are you even human? Like, really?” Newton grumbled and he got that narrow eyed stare for it. He huffed and tried to push his body into function as he dragged himself off the bed. He went through the motions of getting himself dressed and put together in some semblance of normal, but when he emerged from the bathroom again Hermann gave him a critical look.

                “You’re not wearing that, are you?” Newton looked down at himself in confusion, typical jeans, Doc Marten boots and a plaid button up shirt with short sleeves to show off his tattoos. The only thing that was missing was his tie that he hadn’t been able to find buried in his bag. He then looked up at Hermann, button down shirt with a vest over it, slacks and a matching jacket that would be too large on the man’s frame.

                “Uh, yeah, I am.”

                “We should try to appear professional, Newton,” Hermann said with a tone that spoke of years of suffering. The only thing that Hermann was suffering from was his lack of fashion in Newton’s opinion, though right then before he slid on that ridiculous jacket of his he looked rather…nice.

                “I’m appearing approachable for the cameras. You? You look like the old school principal who will give detention if you so much as walk on the wrong side of the hallway,” Newton said critically, giving it one last go to dig through his bags looking for his tie. It wouldn’t be the end of the world (Ha!) if he didn’t find it, but he sort of had his own style to uphold. “Why not try leaving the jacket at home today, Hermms?”

                “If we are to be taken seriously, Dr. Geiszler, we need to appear like professionals. I do not wish this to turn into some ridiculous media frenzy where they are simply asking us questions about who was the most fashionable in the K-science department instead of focusing on what is important.”

                “Dude, that’s because you know I’d win. Have you seen my tie? I swear I packed the damn thing…” Hermann harrumphed at him as he limped over, nudging Newton out of the way to dig through the outer pocket of his suitcase and moments later producing the simple black tie. Newton grinned as Hermann practically tossed the offensive item at him, and Newton set about trying to put it on.

                “Really, Newton, you should make some attempt at presenting yourself in a manner befit for a scientist of your distinction,” Hermann muttered at him, watching Newton struggle with the flimsy piece of fabric.

                “I think you may have just tried to compliment me, Hermms,” Newton said, frowning as he got the tie into some semblance of a knot before looking up at his lab partner, arms held out so that Hermann could appreciate the full picture. “See? Totally business casual.”

                “For Heaven’s sake you have never a day in your life tied this bloody thing correctly. Here,” Hermann said, not seeming to be very impressed by the overall picture as he leaned his cane against the side of the bed before coming to stand in front of Newton. He undid the mess that Newt had put in place and then started from scratch as he carefully worked on getting the tie on correctly. Newton stood still, almost afraid if he shifted that Hermann would startle and pull and away from him. They were close once more, standing within each other’s bubble in a way they once had never allowed. There had been a long time Newton had thought Hermann didn’t even like to be touched. “There, that is at least a proper knot.”

                Hermann finished, fingers smoothing out Newton’s collar and straightening the tie into place. Newton knew the second that Hermann processed what he was doing and how close they were, not because he was listening into the other man’s emotions, but because of the blush that sprung to Hermann’s cheeks. He managed to play it off though, not pulling away immediately but lingering just long enough to give the allusion that it hadn’t fazed him at all.

                “If you get to criticize and fix my tie then I get to demand you leave the moth ball jacket behind,” Newton said, grabbing his phone and wallet from the nightstand as Hermann reclaimed his cane. “It’s going to be too warm out for it anyway.”

                “It is the beginning of April, Newton, I highly doubt it’s going to be too warm for a jacket,” Hermann said with a shake of his head.

                “Uh, I’m pretty sure it will be too hot under the lights of wherever we’re talking today,” Newton said, determined to make his point and the comment did give Hermann pause for a few seconds. They’d both been under the lights of a stage while giving talks in their past, and the lights in a television studio may be even worse as Newton guessed they were lower and typically closer to you.

                “I will not leave the jacket behind, Newton, however if you manage not contain yourself and not loosen your tie the entire day I may consider taking it off for the interview so that you do not look so horribly improper whilst sitting next to me,” Hermann said with a challenge in his voice. He didn’t think Newton was capable of doing it, but ha! Newton would show him, he’d wear this tie like a champ. After all, Hermann was the one who tied it for him and that fact alone made Newton want to keep it in place.

                “You’re on!”

 

                They sat behind the scenes for Mako and Raleigh’s first interview, the four of them enjoying the coffee and donuts provided by the studio of some morning talk show that Newton hadn’t honestly ever heard of. It seemed like a big deal though with the studio audience sitting out watching, reacting to every little thing that was said.

                Overall it went well though that seemed to be in part due to Raleigh’s experience at handling the interviewers. He’d done this before of course back when his co-pilot had been his brother and the war was still going. The interviewers asked him about that, the loss of Yancy and how it had impacted him. Why he’d gone missing for five years and what had brought him back? There was only once that he floundered when they’d asked him to describe how Yancy had died, a question that had Herc cursing and going to talk to the producer. The Marshall had set out strict rules for what they weren’t supposed to ask and that had apparently been one of them. Already they were trying to push the boundaries and cross the lines.

                Mako had been the saving grace on the question as she stepped in seamlessly, talking about how difficult it is for all of them to have lost people. This led to questions about Stacker but by then Raleigh had pulled himself together enough to step in once more, the two of them managing to dance the conversation around the interviewer until she got frustrated and moved away from the subject. When the interview was done they had all piled into a car together, moving on to the next place they were required but not before grabbing lunch.

                “I’ll make sure they know not to ask about that again, Becket,” Herc had said apologetically but Raleigh just shook his head.

                “They’ll ask anyway, Marshall, we’ll manage.” Herc had given a gruff sound of disapproval though they all knew it was true. No matter how serious Herc made himself be, no matter how clear the boundaries were, someone would slip it in knowing that once it was asked there was no going back.

                “You ready for your interview this afternoon, Dr. Geislzer?” Raleigh turned his attention on Newton who was sitting beside him in the back of the ridiculously large SUV that was being used as their transport. They were all spread out at the moment, eating cheap food from a drive thru since none of them had felt like sitting in some crowded restaurant where they could be recognized. Tendo had scooted over next to Hermann, the two of them lost in some quiet conversation and Newton was just itching to be a part of.

                “Are you kidding? I was made for this, Ray, I was born to be a rock star,” Newton said with false bravado. It drove Raleigh insane when he called him Ray, and that was part of the reason Newton did it. He told himself that it was only due to the fact that Raleigh insisted on calling him Dr. Geiszler, but there might have been a tiny little part of him that did it because he knew it’d make Chuck grin if he was there. “Besides, we’re the boring ones to them. We’re not the flashy attractive Jaeger pilots with the potential for a romantic subplot like you and Maks are. They’ll be dying to get Hermann and his science talk off the stage.”

                “You know that just means they’ll dig more to try and make you two interesting, right? They might find some things out,” Raleigh said with all the concern of a puppy. The guy was sort of adorable and had been keeping an eye on Mako through all the shit that’d been going on. Mako was sitting next to him, the two leaning against each other like magnets pulled together.

                “Raleigh is right, Newton, they may bring up things,” Mako said quietly, glancing towards Herc which was more than enough indication to what things she was thinking of. Newton looked down at his burger, the greasy meat and sesame seed bun tasting a little like cardboard in his mouth. Raleigh gently clapped him on the shoulder when he didn’t respond, and for a second the man leaned against him to in a supportive way.

                “Like the guy said, Maks, he’s a rock star and we’ve got his back if anything does come up,” Raleigh said before quietly changing the subject as he picked up conversation with Mako on how to prepare for their next interview. Newton felt a moment of fondness for the guy cause really he wasn’t so bad. _Sorry Chuck…_ When Newton looked up Herc was looking back at him from where he was sitting sideway in the front seat. He raised an eyebrow in question and Newton gave him a small smile of reassurance. Herc gave him a contemplative look before he nodded shortly, going back to his own food though Newton knew that he was still paying attention. Herc was constantly paying attention to all of them, watching for any sign of distress and trying to head it off before it could grow into something more.

                Once they were done eating Hermann came back to sit on the bench seat beside him, the two close enough for their arms to brush as they headed towards their first interview. Newton felt nerves that he’d never experienced before when he’d done talks in front of large crowds, and he reached up to loosen his tie. Hermann cleared his throat pointedly as Newton’s fingers came to rest on the knot and he froze in place before carefully pulling his hand away like the tie was a bomb about to go off. Like hell he was going to give the guy the satisfaction.

 

                So far their first interview had gone incredibly well. Hermann had slipped the horrible jacket off and Newton couldn’t help but glance at him every few seconds as they spoke with the male and female interviewers. They’d started off just talking about their respective backgrounds, Newton far more animated than Hermann who was doing his best to be _professional_. Newton knew they were going to turn to the drift soon though; they would save it for their last big topic, the thing people would stick around for.

                “So, now, the thing everyone is dying to know about. Is it correct that you both on that last day actually _drifted_ with the Kaiju?” The female interviewer who’s name Newton couldn’t remember at this point asked sounding shocked and disbelieving. The audience had gone a bit quiet and he could feel the prickle of sweat on his palms. He made himself take a deep breath, reminding himself that he could handle this.

                “Yeah, we did. I actually drifted twice with the Kaiju hive mind that last day and then Hermann, because he didn’t want to miss out on all the fun that was, drifted with me the second time,” Newton said with a wide smile that was possibly a little fake.

                “Dr. Geiszler is, of course, downplaying the details of the events. Though it is true we both did indeed drift with the Kaiju it was concern for his safety and his ability to gain useful information within the drift that urged me to join him in the second instance,” Hermann said primly. He had leaned slightly in his chair supposedly to carefully cross his legs so that his bad leg was resting over his good though when the action was completed his shoulder stayed pressed against Newton’s.

                “Wow, I mean…just, how was that even possible? What in the world made you think of drifting with a Kaiju?” _My sort of best friend slash intimate partner got me part of a brain and I thought it was a brilliant use of it._ There must have been something that gave Newton’s distress away or maybe Hermann just knew him so well now that he could guess at it. Either way, Hermann spoke up to answer the question and Newton could feel Hermann nudging subconsciously into his emotions and thoughts. It wasn’t to pry though, not this time, as the other man attempted to do for him what he’d done for Hermann that morning. Hermann’s calm was in tones of green, forests deep and lush and the quiet hushed trickling song of a spring hidden in the woods.

                “Dr. Geiszler had long since theorized that there was more to the Kaiju’s motivations in attacking us than simple destruction. He hoped that by drifting he could gain insight into this, and of course what we achieved instead was the discovery of how to close the breach. If we had not discovered the genetic coding within the breach mechanism we would not be where we are today, the breach would not be closed. It was a dangerous risk, one which I felt was foolish at the time he suggested it. I can admit when I was wrong, however, and in this instance I was.” Newton blinked as he looked at Hermann for a second until he realized the man had just admitted he was wrong. He grinned suddenly and he saw Hermann shoot him a disapproving look.

                “Oh God, you don’t understand how long I’ve waited to here this man admit he was wrong about something?” Newton said with a light laugh, able to feel Hermann’s annoyance though there was a relief behind it as Newton’s anxiety took a back seat for a second. The two interviewers laughed at his comment like it was the funniest thing they’d heard all day.

                “Now, joking aside, what was it like to drift with them?” The woman picked up the questions again, a concerned look coming to her face as she did.

                “It was sort of terrifying, definitely more so that first time when I drifted alone. They don’t think like us, it’s kind of a mess in there since they’re a hive mind. The second time was easier since Hermann was there too, it gave things a more familiar pattern,” Newton said, falling back into an easy conversation despite the topic. He could feel Hermann pulling back from their connection and he metaphorically tugged that rope, calling through the tin can in their minds to please just stay until this was done. Hermann went stiff next to him for just a split second before Newton felt him settle back into his mind.

                “Now when you say a hive mind, that means they’re all connected?”

                “Yes, a hive mind is much like what you get with a hive a bees, hence the name. They are all connected just naturally as though they have a permanent drift between them. The difference is the fact that the Kaiju do not simply think for themselves, their thoughts are guided by the Precursors who would be like the queen bee within a hive. They were given a task and they would follow it out,” Hermann said carefully, his tone and the tug of his thoughts taking on a concerned note with the line of questioning.

                “Now, with the phenomena of ghost drifting for drift pilots. If the Kaiju all shared one mind does that mean you’re somehow still connected to the ones that are alive out in the universe somewhere?” The way the interviewer glanced towards the backstage entrance as he spoke seemed an indication that he’d just slipped a question that was on Herc’s do not ask list in. The woman glanced at him but kept that concerned but calm look on her face, leaning towards them eagerly.

                “No, though Hermann and I have experienced some of the ghost drifting effects between the two of us the Kaiju’s mind would have been too different for us to maintain any sort of meaningful connection with even if the breach wasn’t closed. The fact that it is closed seals off the possibility entirely,” Newton said, words taking on just a slightly defensive tone as he spoke with far more conviction than he truly felt.

                “Yes, as Dr. Geiszler stated, even after his first drift while the breach was still open there was no indication that he was at all connected with the hive mind still. Now, it is simply impossible.” _Lies, lies lies lies…Otachi didn’t chase him down the street because there wasn’t a lingering connection. They hadn’t come for him because they had no special knowledge from the tenuous spindles of the drift that had stayed even once the PONS was shut off._ Hermann leaned against him a little more firmly, that flood of forest green that reminded Newton of something he couldn’t place coming back.

                “Well, I’m sure that was a relief to you both. Now, one last thing, what can you tell me about these tattoos, Dr. Geiszler?” The female interviewer took control of the questions with a worried glance towards back stage. She reached over to trail a finger down Newton’s arm to pull his focus to her, and Newton managed a smile though he wasn’t sure how.

                “Oh, these babies? Their victory trophies, I got them to remind myself each time we beat the Kaiju that it could be done,” Newton said. “I’d show them to you all, but I’d have to get far more naked than prime time television will allow.” The interviewers laughed and Hermann made a noise of disapproval, but inside that tenuous spindle that ran between Newton and Hermann there was a swell of relief from them both as the interview ended.

 

                “I swear to Christ I tell these people not to ask certain things and the first goddamn day they go and stick their noses where they don’t fucking belong.” They were back in the car heading towards the hotel once more with Herc driving and ranting at the same time. Tendo had taken the front seat and looked like he regretted the decision as Herc drove a bit erratically.

                “You do realize, my man, that by telling them not to ask certain things you’re giving them the idea to ask those thing,” Tendo said, sounding calmer than he currently looked as he sat pressed back in the seat wincing each time they pulled out to pass someone. Tendo was on uncertain ground here though if anyone was going to talk Herc down it would be the LOCCENT officer. Tendo could talk a starving tiger out of eating him, hell, maybe they should have just piped the man’s voice down to the breach so he could have talked the Kaiju into just turning around and leaving years ago.

                “I tell them they can ask about the people we lost, but not to dig for details and what the hell do they do but go right in with a goddamn bulldozer. I tell them not to make any wild claims about the drift with the Kaiju and that fucking asshole decides to practically come out and say you two are part of the damn hive mind,” Herc said though he’d lost some steam and the concern that was driving his anger was coming through. Newton hadn’t perhaps realized how large of a worry it was that people might think they were ghost drifting with the Kaiju still. The PPDC hadn’t ever brought it up to his knowledge though he’d been pretty out of it for a while. He filed it away under things he needed to talk to Hermann about as they finally pulled into the parking garage of the hotel, Herc getting them into a space with a bit more control now.

                “I think its ok, Herc, Newton had that question completely under control and Hermann backed him up on it,” Tendo said, glancing into the back of the SUV which had remained silent the entire drive. “No one thinks they’re still connected to the hive mind.”  The quiet stretched a little longer than was perhaps comfortable before Tendo forced a smile. Apparently at least a few people in the car with them still held doubts about that particular point. “Well, I’m starving! Who wants to eat?”

                “Oh God, please yes,” Newton said, crawling over Hermann to get out of the car and the tense atmosphere inside it.

 

                They ate dinner in the hotel’s attached restaurant; everyone had been quiet though they’d talked here and there amongst themselves. Mako had sat next to Newton, Hermann on his other side as always, and at one point she’d rested a hand on his jittering knee under the table.

                “It is not that we are concerned that they hold any influence on either of you, Newt, we are just concerned how you have been affected,” she said quietly, large eyes looking at him pleadingly.

                “We’re not still connected,” Newton said defensively and felt bad for snapping at her when she gave him a hurt look.

                “If you say so than I will believe you. That does not change the fact that we are worried. You are ok, are you not?” Newton sighed, patting Mako’s hand gently. She had given them some distance that first month or so when everything was such a mess and Newton had been too lost in grief and his own head to really deal with anything. They’d been close when she was younger though the last several years they’d drifted apart once she’d focused on her desire to pilot a Jaeger and Stacker’s movements across the world had pulled her physically away as well since she traveled with him. Still, she was little Mako Mori, the girl who had once begged him to teach her to play piano on a beat up old keyboard.

                “I’m…I’m working on it? Does that make sense?”

                “Hai, that makes perfect sense. I am…working on it too,” she said with a gentle smile and Newton gave a relieved sigh. She held his hand through the rest of the meal, fingers linked beneath the table though they didn’t speak of anything of importance after that.

                Herc caught up to him in the lobby once the meal was over, asking Newton to hang back while the others all piled into the elevator. Hermann hadn’t looked pleased to not be included, but he followed along behind Tendo so that Herc could speak to Newton alone. Herc led them to the chairs that sat in the quiet lobby and they sat across from each other.

                “You did good today, I want you to know that. All of you did,” Herc said. The man had been making a noticeable effort to always offer praise to those around him. It seemed like another little penitence on Herc’s part, some way to make up for all the times he hadn’t told his son he was proud. “Hopefully today will be what the rest of this mess will be like and it won’t get worse. But, Raleigh was right in the car. They might dig. Are you sure you’re all right for being on this thing?”

                “I’ll be fine, Herc, really. Like Tendo said, I owned the whole ghost drifting with the Kaiju thing today. It will be all right,” Newton said, sounding far more assured than he felt. Herc watched him for a long moment before giving a nod.

                “Even if they bring up Chuck?” Newton winced a little, wanting to curl in on himself at the thought of having to face a question about Chuck. Even if it was a general question it was going to cause so many things inside him to get stirred up with too many people there to witness, but no, Hermann had been right. If they asked about Chuck they’d use it as an opportunity to share just how great Chuck had actually been.

                “I think I’ll be ok, I mean…” Newton sighed, not really able to vocalize his feelings on it because he couldn’t promise he wouldn’t lose his grip a little in that moment. Herc nodded though like he understood, glancing down at the floor and Newton had the sudden feeling they were there to talk about him.

                “Are you going to be okay?”

                “Yeah, I’ll be fine…I’m always fine. I’ve got to be,” Herc said though he didn’t look up at him. Newton moved, shifting to sit in the chair beside Herc and he awkwardly patted the guy’s shoulder. They sat for a long time, Newton letting this silence drag out as long as Herc needed it because he understood this kind of quiet extremely well. After a while Herc seemed to pull himself together as he stood, reaching back to offer Newton his hand to help the other man stand. They took the elevator up without a word, standing a short distance apart. When the elevator dinged to announce they’d reached their floor and the door slid open they both stepped out into the hall, Herc turning to start towards the room he was sharing with Tendo.

                “Herc?” Newton spoke before he really thought too hard on it, and when the Marshall turned around to look at him questioningly Newton wrapped his arms around him in a hug before he could rethink it entirely. There was a short pause before he felt Herc hug him in return, giving Newton a gentle pat on the back. “We’ll be fine.”


	4. Kindest of kisses break the hardest of hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> San Francisco ends with a bit of a bang, followed by alcohol and a wonderful disaster of a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Hardest of Hearts" by Florence + The Machine.

                Things had been all right through the rest of their stay in San Francisco, the week and a half passing quickly and leaving them feeling exhausted but relieved. The questions were similar each time with only some variations. Mako had politely told one interviewer off when he’d proceeded to simply ask her about her regime for training to be a Jaeger pilot while directing more technical questions about the Jaegers to Raleigh. It had been a rather spectacular thing to watch Mako kindly ask if the host would like her to show him some of her ‘Tae bo’, as the man had insisted on teasingly call it. It had ended up with the man flat on his back and winded while Mako smiled sweetly to the laughter of the crew and Raleigh looking proud as hell. Mako had then gone into a detailed account of the specs on Gypsy Danger while the man had tried to regain his composure.

                Herc had sternly told her not to pull that kind of stunt again though even he couldn’t hide the little smirk that came to his face as he spoke with her. She apologized to the host to try and smooth things over though she still made a comment that she had ‘thought with her being such a frail girl he would have been able to handle her’ which ruined the effect somewhat. Their last interview before they’d move on to Vancouver was a panel Q&A with both the media and members of the public. They were sitting there now at the long table stretched out on the stage, all six of them lined up in a row. A lot of the questions had been focused on Mako and Raleigh so far, the public being far more interested in their relationship than much of anything else. A quiet had fallen over them though after the last question was voiced.

                The question was for Herc who had for the most part stayed out of the interview process so far with limited exceptions. He hadn’t been able to avoid the questions regarding Chuck entirely, but he could typically make a single statement about the loss of his son and move on. This wasn’t the same sort of situation though. Newton had gone still where he sat beside the Marshall at the table as he waited for Herc to answer. ‘Do you regret at times that you weren’t with your son in Striker Eureka when it was destroyed?’ _Yes, no, oh God…_

                “More than anything in the world I wish I had been with him that day. No…” Herc trailed off and Newton glanced at him before leaning in supposed to grab the bottle of water in front of him but he nudged Herc gently with his shoulder. Herc had been there for him and he wanted to be there for Herc so Newton was fighting to swallow down his own ache at the mention of Chuck so he could keep the Marshall steady. Herc glanced at him even as Mako leaned in on his other side to take Herc’s hand under the table. “What I wish more than anything is that I’d been there instead of him. I’m proud of Chuck, of everything he did, he was my son and I wish he could be here.”

                “Do you blame Stacker Pentecost for-“ The guy had tried to get another question in but he was being quickly directed away from the microphone. A few people had tried this through the course of the panel, but no matter how many had failed before them there was always another who gave it a go. It left an awkward silence in its wake and Tendo spoke up to fill it as he smiled widely from the end of the table next to Hermann. 

                “We probably have enough time for one more question. How about we hear one for us science and tech nerds down at this end of the table, huh?” Tendo suggested, straightening his bowtie as he single handedly managed to charm half the audience. There were a few seconds of shifting while they figured out who had a question and at last a man stepped up to the microphone who looked a little like Clark Kent as he fidgeted with his glasses.

                “This one is for Dr.’s Geiszler and Gottlieb. You said in a previous interview last week that you experienced no lingering connection with the Kaiju hive mind, but have you had tests performed to ensure that it’s not a hidden presence in your subconscious?”

                “Oh sweet Jesus,” Tendo muttered off to the side, hiding his comment behind the act of taking a drink of water. Hermann glanced at Newton who was perhaps still sitting just a little too still for anyone comfort, because he was trying very hard to just not be there right then. Hermann patted his knee lightly in an attempt to snap him out of it but Newton was still a little lost in that sea of blue that he drifted to when he wanted to draw away from the world. He’d handled this before, he could handle this now he just needed to open his mouth. There were so many faces out there looking up eagerly at them, hopeful even like they truly wished there was still some connection.

                “Both Dr. Geiszler and I have undergone extensive tests and checks to ensure that’s not a possibility. The PPDC wanted to make sure we were not suffering any concerning or atypical side effects due to drifting with a non-human entity, and they have found that there are no signs of any lingering presence from the Kaiju. We have perhaps not come out unscathed from our drift but there is no concern whatsoever that we are still connected in any way with those other entities. I believe we answered this question in full during that first interview.” Hermann’s tone was terse but professional as he addressed the man with a slight glare. His hand stayed pressed to Newton’s knee, a steady presence that Newton tried to focus on like an anchor away from the deep dark depths of his subconscious.

                “It’s all right, Newton, we need you to come back.” Herc was talking quietly in his ear, shoulder bumping into him in return for the earlier sign of support. The man in the audience was speaking again into the microphone and Tendo tried to interrupt him.

                “I think that’s all the time we have, yeah?” Tendo glanced towards backstage as though checking with someone, giving a thumbs up even as the man continued to speak into the microphone.

                “Isn’t the public justified in wanting to see the results of these tests to assure ourselves this is the truth? How can we know that you both will not be directed in the future-“ Someone was trying to get the man away from the microphone now and Herc took Newton’s arm gently to pull him up from his seat. “How can we know you won’t try to reopen the drift for them from this side? How do we know that both of you aren’t a threat?” Newton snapped out of it then, feeling an anger swell that wasn’t entirely his own as he leaned back down towards the microphone despite Herc and Hermann’s protests.

                “How do you know? Have you even been listening? Have you heard how much we lost trying to close the damn breach? We gave everything, all of us gave everything-“

                “And what exactly did you personally lose, Dr. Geiszler? You didn’t lose a son or a father, what exactly did you sacrifice? The Kaiju you apparently adore so much you decorate your body with them?”

                “Newt, don’t,” Hermann said softly as Newton fumed. Why wasn’t Hermann standing up against this prick? Why when he could feel Hermann’s own anger just under the surface? What the hell did this man know? Where did he get the right? Newton could feel the tears building in his eyes as the entire team stood quietly by, holding their breaths but showing him their support by just still even being there.

                “Family, man, we all lost family and friends and people we loved and don’t you dare act like that’s nothing, like I lost nothing you don’t even know. All of them, you ass, we lost all of them. Sasha and Aleksis, the Wei triplets, Stacker and Chuck-“ Newton voice broke and he had to take a deep breath to try and steady himself as he could feel the tears start to fall. Hermann and Herc both gently pulled him back, pushing him towards backstage as Tendo, Raleigh and Mako stepped between them and the crowd to shield them. God, why had he wanted this once? Why had he desired the questions and the prying when all he wanted now was to curl up somewhere quiet and far away preferably with Hermann at his side?

                “Thanks everyone for coming out tonight,” Tendo said to give them time to retreat though his words were full of sarcasm before he ducked backstage behind the rest of them. There was a clamor from out in the audience, but Newton couldn’t focus on it just then with his hands shaking and his chest burning. Hermann rounded on him as soon as they were far enough backstage though it wasn’t out of anger like Newton was almost expecting. Instead Hermann pulled him close, a hand cupping the back of Newton’s head as he pressed their foreheads against each other.

                “It is ok, Newton, just calm down and for God’s sake breath,” Hermann muttered quietly. Newton tried, he really did as he focused on the steady rhythm of ocean waves and there was a momentary clash of blue and green in his mind as Hermann attempted to calm him as well. He took a deep breath, trying to push away the thread of anxiety that wouldn’t dissipate.

                “Oh God, I fucked up,” Newton mumbled, trying to pull back from Hermann but the man held him steady and wrapped his arms tightly around Newton in a hug. “Herc kept it together but then I just went and fucked it up.”

                “It’s quite all right, Newton,” Hermann said softly but Newton could feel the others standing near them, and he just knew they were watching and judging him. He fought to pull himself together enough that he could clear the tears from his eyes and face them all. Mako’s voice came from close beside him, kind and gentle as he felt her hand move through his hair. Little Mako Mori, the little girl with the red shoe and here she was trying to be a comfort to him.

                “Newton, Dr. Gottlieb is correct, how you reacted is all right. It is no worse than me flipping a television host flat on his back,” she said, a hint of a joke tone in her voice as she tried to sooth him. “That man, he was out of line to insinuate such things and to assume you have lost nothing.” Newton peeked out around him from where he was hidden against Hermann’s chest and found the others were standing near but none of them were looking at him with anything other than concern. If anything they were focused any judging looks to those few who milled around behind the scenes and dared to linger a little too long in their vicinity.

                Newton stayed hidden there for a few more long seconds as he took in Hermann’s warm scent of chalk boards and a hint of some sort of spice like cinnamon. He wasn’t exactly steady; that tightness was still in his chest and he felt dangerously close to falling apart at a second’s notice but he had at least managed to compose himself so he wasn’t a complete mess right in that moment. He finally patted Hermann lightly on the chest to let him know it was ok if he let go and there was a few seconds of hesitation before he actually did.

                Newton quickly wiped the tears off his face while he was still somewhat hidden from view, and then was met with Mako’s warm smile and Hermann’s concerned frown. The other three had set themselves up around them almost like bodyguards, and Newton felt a swell of warmth in his chest. Tendo leaned against the wall near the stage entrance and he glanced back towards them and smiled when he saw Newton standing on his own.

                “Hey there, my man, how about we head back to the hotel and maybe get a little drunk?” The LOCCENT officer gave Newton a wink that made him laugh softly. The sound was like a signal to the rest of their group as Raleigh and Herc relaxed and glanced back in his direction too. The moment had passed but Newton couldn’t help but think of them as Jaegers, standing and guarding that invisible line.

                “First round is on me,” Herc said gruffly as he fished the keys to the SUV out of his pocket and tossed them in Raleigh’s direction. The man caught them with ease, watching Newton with a soft frown for a second before he turned to lead the way through the backstage area. Mako went ahead with Raleigh after leaning to give Newton a soft kiss on the cheek and Tendo clapped Hermann on the shoulder. He tugged Hermann along behind the other two and Newton found himself momentarily alone with Herc, ready to get chewed out for making a scene.

                “I’m really sorry Herc, I just…” Newton trailed off though because he wasn’t entirely sure how to complete the sentence in any sort of satisfactory way. He’d lost it and it had been unexpected even to him, he’d been ok through most of the questions and he’d stayed calm even when the guy had asked about Chuck though he knew that had started it. He’d felt the sense of loss and there’d been a desire to speak up, to tell them all how much the world had lost when Chuck had died. And then there’d been that man, the Clark Kent wannabe, and he’d felt attacked. It hadn’t just been him either, the man had threatened Hermann as well with his accusations and questions and certain tone that spoke like he knew the truth.

                “You told the guy off for being a dick and now other’s will think twice before crossing that line,” Herc said, patting Newton softly on the cheek before ruffling his hair in that slightly obnoxious way he’d developed that secretly Newton liked. It reminded him of his uncle, to be honest, who he’d only seen briefly in person since everything had happened back in January when he’d come to Hong Kong with his father. Herc put an arm over his shoulders as he moved Newton along with him as they started to head in the direct the rest of the group had gone. “I’ll get some shit for it but I don’t give a fuck. You still okay?”

                “Yeah, I think so…I will be,” Newton said with a sigh and Herc ruffled his hair again gently.

                “Good, that’s all any of us care about, doc. Now, let’s go get pissed so we really have something to regret in the morning.”

 

                Hermann had been hovering around him like plankton gathering around a mysterious light in the water not realizing that they were setting themselves up to be fed upon. Granted, Newton wasn’t planning on devouring Hermann though that didn’t work because if he was the light then he couldn’t be the fish and fuck it, forget it. Hermann had been hovering, and Newton didn’t mind though the twinge of worry that managed to sneak through their connection mixed with Hermann’s attempts to figure out his own emotions were a bit draining on someone who already felt like they’d been sapped dry. God, he loved the brilliant idiot who got that rosy glow in his cheeks when he drank just a little too much. Newton suddenly snapped shut his thoughts as he realized just what he was doing and-

                “Goddammit Hermms, you really need to stop trying to be sneaky. You aren’t sneaky, you’d be the worst emotion ninja this side of anywhere and really if you wanna know how I’m feeling you could ask. Or….or; just be honest that you’re feeling me up, out…feeling me out. Can I get another one of these?” Newton lifted his glass towards the bartender who just nodded. Newt wasn’t even sure he could remember what the name of the drink was, but it didn’t matter because it tasted good and had done a rather effective job at getting him drunk. Hermann, who’d been talking to Tendo all while he tried to probe along Newton’s thoughts, had turned to look at him a little surprised with a darker blush creeping into his cheeks and up his neck now.

                “You think you’ve had enough there, my man,” Tendo said as he leaned back in his stool and did a spectacular job at pretending he hadn’t almost fallen off of it by doing so.

                “Have you had enough?” Newton said sarcastically and Tendo snorted lightly with amusement.

                “Oh god, he’s all cute and belligerent. Can I keep him?” Hermann huffed softly at Tendo’s reaction as he frowned lightly at Newton, righting the biologist when he listed to the side on his stool a little. Maybe Hermann wasn’t as drunk as he’d first thought, maybe it was him that was drunk.

                “No, you cannot keep him,” Hermann said with a reprimand in his voice towards Tendo as he eyed the fresh drink that was being set down in front of Newton.

                “Yeah, you can’t keep me, you wouldn’t be able to handle all this,” Newton said though he was laughing now and for a moment Hermann pursed his lips to keep his own smile from coming to his face. Maybe it’d been a while since Newton had honestly and fully laughed, he couldn’t remember right then. Tendo smirked, straightening his bowtie as he steadied himself.

                “Oh, I think I’d be up to the challenge,” Tendo said playfully and Newton slid off the stool to stand, leaning against Hermann as he lifted a hand to poke Tendo lightly in the chest. Hermann slid an arm around him to keep Newton from stumbling or falling over, and Newton decided that was enough of an invitation to wrap both arms around his physicist in return as he still glared at Tendo

                “Nu-uh, you ain’t ready for this jelly, dude. You have…” Newton was laughing too hard, Tendo doubled over with him and Hermann caught in the middle being the support for them both as they dissolved into a giggle fit. “Besides, Hermms has dibs on me.” Newton felt Hermann go completely still, not just physically but mentally too, and it was enough to make him realize just what he’d said. There was no longer that ache in his leg, no hazy insight to what Hermann was feeling or thinking, it was like a wall had suddenly slammed into place. Newton pulled back, grabbing his drink from the bar as he tried to find an escape route. “I think I need some brain space…”

                “Newton….” Tendo stopped Hermann from grabbing ahold of Newton’s shirt as the man wandered away from them. “You should not have teased him, Tendo…”

                “I’m not sure I was the issue there, Hermy,” Tendo said with a slight pout in his voice though he patted Hermann on the back and turned the man in his stool. “Let him be for a little bit.” Newton found himself grateful for Tendo’s interference as he wandered over to an empty booth and slid low in the seat feeling embarrassed and stupid. He wondered just how much he’d let leak through to Hermann or if it was just what he’d said that had caused the man to snap closed on him like a trap. He tried to poke a little now but Hermann was still walled off from him and Newton’s own thoughts were too fuzzy to put a great deal of effort into it.

                Newton looked up when someone sat down in the booth beside him, at first thinking it was Herc, but he found Raleigh’s puppy dog eyes looking at him instead. He glanced around for Herc for a second and caught the Marshall’s eye for a second from where he was sitting by himself. Newton vaguely remembered that Mako had excused herself earlier from the bar despite her ability to drink almost all of them under the table had she tried. Newton needed to remember to talk to her, to thank her if he could remember anything in the morning. She’d been quiet on the ride back and now he wished he’d asked if she was ok in return.

                “It hurts, right, like a section’s been hollowed out?” Newton blinked and pulled his attention back to the steady gaze of the Jaeger pilot sitting next to him.  “They leave a hole.”

                “What?” Newton frowned and Raleigh took another sip of his beer while he let Newt catch up. He fidgeted when he realized what Becket was talking about and dropped his eyes to the table. He didn’t want to talk about this, didn’t want to talk about Chuck and the empty space inside that maybe didn’t ache constantly anymore but still hurt like hell. He definitely wasn’t sure he wanted to be on the receiving end of that steady but sad stare that belonged to a man who’d literally had his brother ripped out of his mind. “Oh, uh…”

                “It feels like it will never be whole again, doesn’t it?”

                “Ha, ah, look Ray, I appreciate it, I do, but I know that what I’m going through isn’t the same as what you had to deal with,” Newton said in an attempt to play off just how close the man’s words felt to the truth.

                “It is though,” Raleigh said and Newton stared at him with that blank expression again. He didn’t understand, he didn’t get why Raleigh was trying to be nice to him other than maybe for Mako’s sake but she wasn’t there right then. “Look, you two may not have been linked like I was with Yancy but that doesn’t mean Chuck didn’t take something with him when he went. From what I understand you two were close, and you don’t have to be in the drift together for a part of you to die with that.” Raleigh spoke casually in that drawl of his as though they were discussing the weather, tone steady and even despite the pain in his expression.

                Raleigh looked a lot older than he really was in that moment, Newton had seen the distant and forlorn look before during quiet moments in the Shatterdome, but it was harder to take it in when it was directed right at him. He swallowed roughly, raising his drink to his lips and Raleigh mirrored the action in a way that made it seem like they were just two old friends sharing drinks and catching up. His hands were steady while Newton’s shook and his eyes slid over the room steadily while Newton couldn’t bring himself to look any further than the edge of the table. Still, there was something behind Raleigh’s careful calm that Newton could recognize.

                “Have you figured out how to make it stop hurting?” He spoke quietly but even this Raleigh seemed to handle without any trouble despite the music and general din of the bar.

                “It’s always going to ache but it gets better.”

                “With time?” Newton said with a snort of derision and Raleigh shook his head.

                “No, time doesn’t heal shit, just puts more distance between you and it. People though, surprisingly people help. There will always be a scar, an ache in your bones and an empty little buzz of air. You’ll turn to say something to him and realize he’s not there even after years have passed, you’ll wake up and think you heard his voice and it will ache like any hurt that cuts deep enough. The right type of person though, they can help soothe that. Mako helps because she’s strong enough for both of us, Tendo helps because he remembers Yancy and reminds me of the good times. You just have to let them in so they can help in the way they’re supposed to.” Raleigh’s eyes focused on the bottle in his hands, the first time he’d dropped that steady blue gaze since he’d sat down.

                “What if by letting them in you end up losing them too?” Newton glanced in the direction of Hermann who was still sitting and talking quietly with Tendo. There was still that silent roadblock in place and he forced himself to look back Raleigh expectantly for his answer. Raleigh spared a glance towards Dr. Gottlieb’s back as well and his lips twitched with a momentary smile.

                “I worried about that too, but the thing is Dr. Geiszler, if you don’t let them in you’re losing them before you even get the chance.” Newton made a thoughtful noise, quiet and hushed as he looked towards the bar again. Raleigh reached over, setting a warm hand on his shoulder like he had done when they’d first met before raising his beer bottle to him. “To Chuck Hansen.”

                “To Chuck,” Newton said, clinging his glass against the side of the bottle and then quickly finishing his drink off to hide the tears in his eyes.

                “The pain might not go away completely but that anger will fade, Doctor,” Raleigh said after he sipped from his own beer. Newton caught Herc watching them again and he tried to muster a smile for the man to show that he was ok; that Herc didn’t need to worry and should focus on himself. The Marshall raised his own beer bottle towards them, and the two of them returned the motion.

                “Let the right people in there, Doctor. I best get myself upstairs, might not be a bad idea to gather the others first before they spend all night down here. Tendo’s likely to get himself in trouble if we allow that,” Raleigh said in a lighter tone, moving to slide back out of the booth and Newton found himself following without consciously agreeing. Raleigh moved off to talk with Herc which left Newt in charge of Hermann and Tendo who went quiet when he approached though Tendo gave him a wide grin.

                “H-Hey, um, I think Herc wants us all to head up now to get some rest,” Newton said as he aimed to give one of his old confident smiles.

                “If that is what the Marshall wants it would be wise for us to listen. Come along, Mr. Choi,” Hermann said, sounding almost thankful as he stood and grabbed his cane from where it was leaning against the bar. Tendo quickly finished what was left of his drink and stood, far steadier on his feet that Newton would have guessed before he moved to sling an arm over Newt’s shoulders affectionately.

                “Are you so sure you want to stick with the old man for the night? I mean, I am rather dashing,” Tendo said, his tone fond and affectionately teasing as they moved away from the bar, Hermann giving a quiet ‘tut’ of disapproval behind them.

                “I am hardly an old man, Tendo, I am only three years your elder,” Hermann said, perhaps drawing out his long suffering sigh for emphasis and Tendo gave Newton a little grin.

                “Dashing and a younger man,” Tendo said with a wink. Newton gave the man a contemplative look, giving Tendo a once over as they stepped out into the lobby to move towards the elevators. Tendo pulled back as though to give him a better look.

                “Hm, it is tempting since I’m known to go for you youngsters but I’m afraid Dr. Gottlieb still has dibs,” Newton said and Tendo’s grin turned into a smile so full of adoration it was a bit stunning and he pulled Newt into a close hug as they stopped outside the elevators. Hermann had turned a bright shade a red, scowling at them both though there was a shy sort of smile. Herc and Raleigh came up behind them to wait as well as Tendo kissed Newton full on the lips.

                “You adorable and amazing little troll,” Tendo said, attacking and utterly ruining any semblance of perfect disarray left to Newton’s hair.

                “Hey!” Newton said indignantly as he heard a snicker behind him, and he turned to find Hermann doing his best to hide the fact the sound had come from him. Raleigh just shook his head, moving past them as the elevator doors opened and for a brief moment patted Newton lightly on the back as he passed him.

                “Mr. Choi, you sure as hell better have that all out of your system because I swear,” Herc said as the rest of them followed Raleigh into the elevator. Tendo punched the Marshall lightly in the arm and Herc reached out to push him back. “Am I going to have to call your wife?”

                “Oh please do, God I miss her and my little Macbeth,” Tendo said longingly, leaning back against the wall between Hermann and Newton. Hermann still had a small smile on his lips from his amusement though he’d yet to say anything to Newton. For his part Dr. Geiszler was trying not to focus on it too hard, waiting because though there was still a quiet blanket over Hermann’s thoughts it was better than that unforgiving wall. When they reached their floor again they burst out in a group, Tendo doing his best to crack Herc’s disapproving exterior as he flirted with the man and Raleigh making a snide comment here or there about how close their room was to his and Mako’s.

                Hermann and Newton separated from them to head down the hall in the opposite direction to where their room was. Newton tried to open the door but was finding that his key card didn’t want to fit in the slot. Hermann gave an annoyed puff of air before carefully nudging Newton out of the way so that he could open the door instead. There was a lot of noise in Newton’s head right then as he stepped into the dark room, starting his fight to get his tie off. Hermann had been tying it for him each day since that first interview, their agreement holding for each interview since. Some days Newton did better at not loosening the tie than others but today hadn’t been one of them. He’d loosened it entirely part way through the panel and then had sloppily tried to re-tie it in the bathroom of the pub downstairs. It appeared he’d simply just tied it in a double knot and he felt trapped by the stupid thing now as his unsure fingers fought with the fabric.

                “I told you not to tie it like that, Dr. Geiszler,” Hermann said, moving to stand in front of Newton and handing the man his cane. The room was still dark as Hermann bent down, frowning and working with his long fingers to get the knot out of the tie for him. His hands were steady and sure though his breathe smell slightly of bourbon as he made a frustrated sound. “If you had just let it be…” Newton could see the shadow of Hermann’s long lashes falling across his cheeks, skin looking pale and perfect in the pale silver light creeping in from outside.

                “Hermms?”

                “Yes Newt-“ Newt rocked forward before any rational part of his brain could second guess the decision, lips pressing lightly against Hermann’s. Newt squeezed his eyes shut in part out of fear for what expression would be on Hermann’s face just then, but maybe Raleigh had been right and he just needed to try and open himself up to this. He could already feel the echo of panic in his chest when he pulled back with no word or indication from Hermann to say how he felt about the kiss. In fact the man had simply gone completely still as though he the shock of it had turned him into a statue. Newton backed away a few more steps, that twisting sharp knot gripping his chest as Hermann continued to just stare silently.

                “Oh God, I’m sorry…I just… I….Oh god, Hermann, just forget-“ Newton’s nervous words were cut off as Hermann took those few steps forward to close the space between them again, grabbing Newton by the collar of his shirt to crush their lips together. Newton made a sound of surprise, feeling the brush of Hermann’s tongue when he parted his lips and the hint of bourbon and spice. Newton wrapped his arms around Hermann, twisting his fingers into the fabric of the man’s shirt as he felt breathless and heady as alcohol soaked thoughts swam through his mind. There was still that tightness in his chest but Newton wasn’t entirely certain if it was still the panic trying to rise over everything else or just sure exhilaration or a combination of the two. Hermann pulled back from him suddenly though his hands kept a hold of Newton’s shirt as he looked at him with sudden concern.

                “Are you all right, Newton?”

                “Wha-? Yeah…” Newton said though the words came out weak and slurred and a look of guilt flickered over Hermann’s face before he carefully disentangled them.

                “We should perhaps not be doing anything so rash while both intoxicated, Dr. Geiszler. We do not want to make any choices that we would regret come the morning. It would be best if we simply got some rest,” Hermann said, taking his cane and gently pushing Newton towards the bed. Instead of moving to share the one mattress with him as they’d been doing without discussion since that first night Hermann moved to the other bed. Newton kicked his shoes off feeling confused and anxious, and he climbed into the bed without bother to change first. He curled up there, watching Hermann silently as the man disappeared into the bathroom.

                He was gone much longer than it would typically take to change into his pajamas for the night and when Hermann reemerged it was to find Newton pretending to be asleep, head buried underneath the sheet as he carefully blocked Hermann out of his mind. He listened to Hermann hesitate beside his bed but in the end Dr. Gottlieb climbed into the previously unused second bed and the dark room fell into awkward silence.


	5. This mystery only leads to doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann finds himself alone in many different forms the morning after the kiss. A tumultuous state of uncertainty as they travel to their next destination, but Newton has a need for words before further emotional confusion ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel a little like this is one of the 'not much happens chapters' but at the same time it felt needed? So yeah...I struggle often with this problem and I hope it's enjoyable all the same, dear readers.
> 
> Chapter title is from "Say it to me Now" by Glen Hansard.

                Hermann awoke to a quiet and empty room when the alarm went off in the morning. He found it disorienting upon realizing he was alone in the bed until he recalled the events of the night before. He turned his head to look towards the second bed in the room with the expectation that Newton would be curled up under the covers, but had found it empty with the sheets tangled in a mess.

                He felt a moment’s dread as he contemplated the possibility that Newton was gone, warring with himself on whether he believed it a rational fear or if he was imagining an improbable scenario. There was too much uncertainty, too many things he wasn’t clear on which made him think his fears may be founded. Even with their continuing link Hermann found himself feeling completely unclear if he could accurately predict Newton’s patterns right at that instance. He had definitely not predicted the kiss from last night. Hermann felt that flutter in his chest when he thought of it, an elated and fearful thing that felt unsettlingly like a small bird was trapped within his ribcage.

                Newton had kissed him. Newton had given him a sweet and simple kiss that could have meant nothing if Hermann hadn’t felt that swell of adoration come off the man in those unguarded and inebriated moments. It had been that rush of emotions that had practically bombarded him that had driven Hermann to close the space between them, to breach across their two individual dimensions and for a joyous moment get a taste of their inevitable collision. It had been quickly spoiled when he’d felt the anxious underlying emotions that had run through the moments like a thin red line and he’d understood the need to stop even when he’d had no desire to do so. He had been afraid that Newton wasn’t ready but that his lowered inhibitions had spurred the action too soon. If the empty room with its silent walls were any indicator then Hermann had been correct.

                He reached out carefully and tentatively as he laid in the dark staring at the rumpled sheets of an abandoned bed and tried to find Newton. He didn’t attempt any subterfuge this time, he was making the effort recently to remove that need for secrecy he’d felt when trying to read the man’s emotions or thoughts with the understanding that it was feeling as though Hermann was snooping that bothered Newton about their link. He sent out his own apprehension as an signal, a concerned question in Dr. Geiszler’s mind that would let him know Hermann as there.

                At first there was continued silence and Hermann sat up as he felt his terrors coalesce into a solid lump in his chest. Perhaps Newton had left after all, had taken his things and climbed on board a plane to somewhere just to get away from him. It had been too much too soon after years of uncertainty mixed with overwhelming loss and Dr. Geiszler had at last decided to place enough space to render their connection a moot point. The thought that it was a more permanent form of abandonment from his lab partner was too hard to contemplate but the inkling of thought was there; that nightmare he had chosen to never voice. Hermann stumbled out of the bed, hand searching for and finding his cane as he tried again to track some portion of Newton’s mind.

                It blossomed then, slowly at first as a flicker of familiar hues in the back of his mind, that comfortable weight of Newton’s thoughts blue and bright as they brushed mental fingertips along his nerves. They were tired and heavy, a lazy roll of calming acknowledgement that erased his fears from his mind with soothing notes. Hermann heard his phone trill at him from somewhere near the bed as he gripped his cane tightly, steadying himself against the tangled switch and flow of emotion. He reached out, fumbling to turn the light on first before picking his cell up and looking at the screen.

                _I’m still here._ It was short and simple but it was everything Hermann needed to hear just then. Somehow the words made the feelings take hold, leveling out the ground beneath him and halting the lateral tilt of the world. Hermann released a shaky breath, holding the phone momentarily against his chest as the hollow terror settled back out of his system. It had been an echo of the horror he’d felt months back upon the discovery of Newton seizing on the laboratory floor, the unknown stretching out in front of him for mere seconds but they had felt like an eternity. It was like watching a glass fall, knowing it would shatter upon impact but still hoping it will somehow deny the rules of the universe and stay hovering in that space for the rest of time. His phone trilled again in muted tones against his chest and Hermann glanced down at the screen. _Coffee?_

                Hermann ran a hand across his face as though he could simply wipe away those moments of terror from the etched history of time. _Yes, I will be down shortly._

 

                Hermann had showered and changed, going through the entire room one more time to collect any forgotten items since they would not be returning. Newton’s bags had apparently left with him during those early morning hours when the man had to have quietly snuck out of the room while Hermann slept. It was atypical of Newton to be so prepared as normally the man would be doing a rush to throw everything together into his bag at the last second. Still, it was clear little attention had been paid during Newton’s packing process as Hermann found numerous small items that belonged to Dr. Geiszler about the room and he placed them carefully into his own bags for safe keeping.

                He could feel that something was wrong, a shift in the world that was causing him to feel out of sync and off balanced. He tried to pin down what it was, what that flutter ghost of a thought was that hovered just out of reach. When he reached the lobby he found Newton curled up in one of the chairs, two cups of coffee sitting on the small table beside him, bags sitting in a small pile while he contemplated his game in which the intent was to spread a virus across the world before a cure could be discovered. He looked up when Hermann approached him, a flicker of guilt and worry crossed his face as he scrambled to stand up and take Hermann’s bags for him. Newton moved them into the pile with his own before grabbing one of the coffee cups and pushing it into Hermann’s hands.

                “Sorry about disappearing this morning, I just…uh, couldn’t really sleep so I decided to come down here so I could think without waking you up on accident. But, yeah, still totally here dude, here I am, ha,” Newton spoke in a nervous clip as he turned to fidget with the bags to avoid meeting Hermann’s eyes. It was the rambling speech that made it clear to Dr. Gottlieb just what was off in the world. He could hear the nerves in Newton’s voice, the hesitance and the jump in pitch, but he couldn’t feel it. There was no nagging sense of it in the back of his mind that was the familiar echoing pull of Newton’s emotions and as Hermann tried to focus to find that blue thread that would lead him back to Newton he found it was missing. He was closed off to Hermann just then, thought processes carefully contained within that small energetic shell and it made the short few feet between them feel like a gaping chasm. It hadn’t occurred to him just how completely open Newton had been leaving himself until now when that door was so firmly shut.

                “Yes, here you are,” Hermann said with a roll of r’s and a sarcastic lilt as he fell back on their normal forms of communication out of habit and necessity. Newton was rumpled; wearing the shirt from the night before with his jacket pulled over it, hair flat and un-styled and circles beneath his eyes. Hermann looked him over carefully, concerned by the cracks he saw in Newton’s demeanor. It had been too soon, Hermann had pushed too much and he felt with the utmost certainty that Newton had spent almost the entire night down in the lobby. He wanted to reach out, to smooth down Newton’s collar and straighten out his glasses but Hermann refrained from doing so. He wanted to kiss Newton again but that he most definitely couldn’t do if their kiss from the night before had already cause this much damage.

                “Hey, so um…about last night, look I’m sorry-“ Hermann didn’t get to hear the rest of that sentence as Newton’s gaze suddenly traveled past him and his mouth clamped shut. A second later Hermann felt Tendo clap him on the shoulder as the man came up behind him from the direction of the elevators. Raleigh and Mako were close behind him as their group gathered in the lobby; Herc moving to make sure the accounts were settled with the front desk.

                “Look at you two up all bright and early,” Tendo said, eyeing Hermann’s coffee enviously before he took a good look at Newton. Hermann could feel the desire to ask questions in the tightening of Tendo’s hand on his shoulder but by some grace of God the man stayed silent. It was becoming apparent that the LOCCENT officer wasn’t the only one to have noticed Newton’s current state as Raleigh and Mako leaned in to say something quietly to each other while glancing at Dr. Geiszler. Hermann could tell even with that metaphorical closed door between them that Newton was floundering under the attention.

                “Yes, well, it’s simple to be awake at an early hour when one never truly gets any sleep thanks to my lab partner’s best attempts to give himself alcohol poisoning last night,” Hermann said with disdain, taking a drink of his coffee while holding a steady gaze on Newton. The man stared back at him blankly and Hermann quirked an eyebrow, trying to express himself without making Newton reopen that mental connection between them that he seemed to be trying so hard to keep shut just then. Newton didn’t seem to grasp what Hermann was doing at first and then his eyes went wide as he suddenly understood.

                “Yeah, well, not all of us have an inhuman metabolic rate when processing our alcohol Hermms. I didn’t ask you to stay up and berate me as my body rejected further saturation,” Newton said with a roll of his eyes though his sarcastic tone was a little flat compared to normal.

                “It would have been impossible for me to sleep whilst you were loudly lamenting your state, Dr. Geiszler. I can assure you I would have much rather spent my night getting a decent amount of rest opposed to making sure you didn’t not pass out and concuss yourself.” Newton seemed to relax as it became clear that Raleigh and Mako had at least stopped looking him over critically with concern with the explanation Hermann had supplied. Tendo wouldn’t be as simple to shake off but if the man could just contain himself until Hermann could speak with him alone.

                “It is good that we have identified the lightweight in our group early,” Mako said lightly in a teasing tone and Newton narrowed his eyes at her. The moment wasn’t fixed entirely, not with that wall still in place between Newton and him, but Dr. Geiszler at least seemed more at ease as he fell into a playful sort of bickering with Mako.

                “Oh no, no no no, I am not a lightweight,” Newton said with mock offense as Mako laughed softly. Tendo was still watching Newton with some skepticism as he was either more observant or less willing to accept the cover story Hermann had tried to put into place. He didn’t make any commentary though but instead joined in on the teasing conversation as Herc made his way over to them.

                “I’m afraid to say you are, my man, one drink last night and you were already practically falling all over the place. I’m amazed Hermann was even able to get you back up to the room and didn’t just leave you to sleep it off on a couch,” Tendo said, perhaps stepping a bit closer to the truth than he realized as he slipped away from Hermann to throw an arm over Newton’s shoulders. Hermann watched them all though his eyes lingered the longest on Newton; wishing the man would lower the block between them so he’d have some idea of what he was thinking. He felt like he’d been cut free from a life raft he hadn’t realized he’d been clinging to without that constant thrum of a second mind in the background. Newton had started to apologize before the others had shown up, but just what had he been apologizing for? It was Hermann who should have been apologizing. Herc stepped up next to Hermann just then having wrapped everything up with the front desk and he clapped his hands together lightly to pull the attention of their group to him.

                “All right, time to head out.”

 

                Hermann felt mildly wounded when Newton hadn’t sat beside him again, the man sliding quickly into the seat next to Herc and leaving Tendo standing confused for a moment before backtracking down the aisle to where Hermann was. Dr. Gottlieb chose to put in a pair of ear buds, shutting out any questions from the other man before they could be asked as he tried to not focus on all the things he’d done wrong in the last twenty-four hours. As he drowned out the pre-flight announcements with the gentle tones of his preferred music he tried once more to get Newton to give him some signal. It was an aching plea to let him in and for a moment he thought he felt something come through that troublesome wall but it was gone again in mere seconds. The text tone on his phone trilled through his headphones, overlapping with his music and he looked down at the screen.

                _We’ll talk later._ Hermann sighed, feeling as though he’d been punched in the gut by those three simple words. They hardly carried the comfort of the three words that preceded them on Newton’s side of the text conversation. Yes, Newton was still there physically but currently he was absent from the space in Hermann’s mind and it sat like a grey spot in his thoughts spiraling near that silence that was the vacancy left by the Kaiju hive mind. Hermann wondered if he could become accustom to the silence of those empty spaces if Newton chose to keep that barrier between them.

                Tendo was watching him steadily and Hermann closed his eyes, pretend to be sleeping rather than deal with the questions that were echoing back at him in his friend’s eyes. Tendo reached over him carefully to pick up his cell phone and Hermann opened his eyes to protest only to realize that Tendo was simply switching the device to Airplane mode for him as their plane began to taxi towards the runway. He set the phone back down and leaned in his seat so his arm was pressed against Hermann’s but didn’t otherwise push. Hermann somehow managed to fall asleep during the first half of the flight, Tendo’s presence at his side the entire time but the man seemed to have for once picked up on the fact that Hermann did not wish to talk about what was wrong.

                _He was back in the K-science labs and he knew that something terrible had happened. It had gone wrong; all of it had gone horrible irreversibly wrong. There was the frightening sound of concrete and metal being rendered to pieces above, but that wasn’t where Hermann’s focus was. There was something even worse in the room with him, something that had his heart hammering in his chest and his mind reeling. He knew what it was in the back of his mind but every fiber of his being wished to deny the truth to him as he stared off towards the fluttering curtain of the emergency shower._

_Dust fell from the ceiling as something tried to break in from above and there was a distant shout in Russian in a crackle of radio static. Still, none of it mattered as all his attention stayed honed in on what was behind that curtain. It was something that would break his world apart; he knew it was without having even seen it. Another quaking blow came from above and there was the screaming cry of a Jaeger’s horn and bioluminescent drops of blue leaked through the cracks in the ceiling. Hermann took a step towards that hidden horror, towards the one thing that could bring it all down around him._

_The one step carried him much further than it should have as he found himself standing right in front of the white piece of fabric. He could feel his heartbeat as it pounded through his arteries, a drumming in his temples and neck, pulsing against his rips like a living thing. The ceiling started to tear away above him and the lights went out leaving the room illuminated only by the drops of blue falling out of the darkness as he reached for the curtain. Hermann pulled it back sharply and the world dropped as something burst in the back of his mind and there was a twist of pain and fear and loss and the drift twisting around him._

                Hermann tried to bite back a scream as he awoke; confusion and fear as he tried to figure out where he was and why there seemed to be panic around him. Someone’s hands were pushing him back into the seat as he heard more than one voice saying his name and all Hermann could think was that he needed to get away. He couldn’t get up though, he was closed in by a weight against his legs and hands moving up to cup his face. Hermann found himself suddenly looking into hazel green eyes so close he could almost make out the intricate hills and valleys of the stroma like green moss along tree bark. There was the crash of blue inside his head but it was no longer that glowing, living thing but the quiet calm of an empty sea as Newton pressed their foreheads together.

                “It’s okay, Hermann, it’s all right.” He became aware of Newton’s voice over the cluster of other people talking and he focused on the sound as he tried to calm the pounding in his chest. He gripped Newton’s already rumpled shirt front, holding tight against the fear that the man would pull away and disappear. The dream had faded almost instantly but it had left that aching loss in his chest and the trembling fear in his heart. He was warring with the feeling that the thing that was most important to him was gone while knowing it was right there in front of him at the same moment in time, overlapping realities that hadn’t fused to solidify the moment into certainty.

                “I’m telling the pilot that we need to land.”

                “Now, I don’t think there’s any reason to do that.”

                “There is clearly something wrong-“

                “Look, it’s fine, don’t land all right, he’s fine. Hermann’s fine just let me sit with him for a bit and all of you back off,” Newton pulled away slightly so he could look at the people who were standing close in the aisle and talking. Hermann glanced in that direction and found Herc, Tendo and one of the stewardesses standing nearby. He could catch a glimpse of Raleigh and Mako still at their seats but looking back towards them and Hermann could add utter embarrassment to the list of overwhelming emotions he was feeling right then. “Just go, I’ll sit with him.” Newton sounded angry and chastising towards the others, waving a hand to try and shoo them away before he turned his attention back to Hermann.

                “You heard the doc, let’s everyone just relax and back off?” Herc was leveling a look on the stewardess that would have made most people draw back without question. The woman seemed less affected as she just narrowed her eyes though she glanced towards the two scientists with a worried crease in her brow.

                “One more episode like that and I won’t care where we are, I’ll tell the pilots to land,” she said before she turned to head back towards the galley. Hermann hated to think how bad it had been if she was describing this as an episode. He’d always had such measured control over his emotions and actions and yet he’d still found himself here, sitting on an airplane with the people around him doubting his mental state.

                “Just ignore them and take some deep breaths, Hermms,” Newton said, pointedly not looking at Herc who was still standing close by. The Marshall eventually retreated though there was little doubt that he’d be bringing this back up later once they were settled at their next destination. Hermann could feel the heat in his cheeks from his humiliation and he was glad once it was only Newton who was left in the position to witness it. “Was it the dream again?”

                “Yes, I…dear Lord, I’m must apologize this is the last thing we needed was another reason for people to believe we are insane,” Hermann said and Newton blinked at him in surprise before giving Hermann a sad sort of smile.

                “People think I’m the crazy one, Hermms, not you.” Newton leaned forward and pressed his lips lightly against Hermann’s forehead and when he pulled back against his cheeks were tinged with a hint of pink as though he’d just realized what he had done. He avoided Hermann’s eyes and there was that feeling of retreating emotions again like the receding tide. Hermann held onto Newton’s shirt tightly, pulling him close so he could press his forehead against Newton’s chest in an attempt to keep Newton from fully abandoning him.

                “You are not crazy, Dr. Geiszler.”

                “Thanks Hermann,” Newton said with a hum of amusement in his voice though Hermann could still feel the closing down of their connection, the door closing and locking behind it. Hermann knew he was responsible for the rift that seemed to have formed and he tried to grasp the ends of their lingering association as long as he could before Newton shut him out. After a few long minutes had passed and Hermann felt steadier within the current time stream Newton eased out of his grasp, shifting away to drop into the seat beside him. “Do you still not remember it?”

                “No, it fades once I wake but it feels like I’ve lost…something of import,” Hermann said quietly, thinking about Newton’s text that morning. _I’m still here._ Only the man wasn’t, not in the way he’d grown accustom to Newton being there. His colleague was quiet and distant, an uncertainty that weighed on his heart. “I apologize if I didn’t something which upset you last night, Dr. Geiszler.”

                “I said we’d talk later,” Newton said sounding tired and perhaps even a little annoyed as he ran a hand through his neglected hair. Hermann was trying to wheel in his own emotional broadcasts but not for the first time during the last few months things seemed so impossibly overwhelming. It made no sense to him how he still failed so utterly at navigating the drift, why he struggled to contain his emotions when he’d always been so capable before his mind was connected to another. Newton was the one who couldn’t hold back his every idle thought and emotion and yet he’d managed to build a wall within a few short moments around his every sensation like it was nothing.

                “Are we not talking right now?” Hermann said, feeling his frustration and hurt rise to the surface. Newton looked at him and Hermann immediately felt a bit guilty as he was met with the full force of Newton’s fatigue. The man was tired in so many ways, and Hermann had to remind himself that he should not be pressing the issue further. He’d already pushed things too quickly the night before if any of this was an accurate gauge. He wasn’t use to being the impatient one, the one who seemed to be wound so tight he might just snap with the tension. That had always been Newton’s area of expertise but the biologist was quiet as he looked towards the front of the plane with pursed lips.

                “Do you really want to do this here, Hermann?” There was some of Newton’s typical fire in his voice that acted oddly enough like a balm. The universe had not entirely turned itself inside out then if the pitch in Newton’s voice still betrayed his frustrations.

                “If you would simply give me some idea what you are thinking-“

                “Talk, Hermann, words. I want words, not emotions to be misconstrued or doubted. I want actual words and I don’t think I’m mistaken that maybe that shouldn’t be done right now,” Newton said angrily and Hermann drew back into his seat. They both seemed momentarily shocked at the small outburst that had been loud enough to cause the stewardess to look out at them again from behind the curtain up front. Hermann stared out the window watching the stretch of blue skies and clouds over below until he heard Newton shift in the seat next to him. “It’s not…look, Hermms, I want you in here, I do…” Newton tapped his temple as Hermann looked back towards him. Dr. Geiszler was speaking quietly and self-consciously as he glanced around as though he was expecting the universe as a whole to be listening in. “It’s just…haven’t you noticed that it’s been a while since we’ve actually talked? Since we’ve just told each other something instead of relying on the drift to say it for us? I have things I want to say and until I do I think it might be best if we stay out of each other’s heads.”

                “I will do my best to respect that, Dr. Geiszler, I just wish for some indication that we’re are…that things are not damaged between us,” Hermann said, matching Newton’s hushed tones as he tried desperately not to dwell on all the things Newton could say to him. He didn’t believe he could be mistaken about the depths of the man’s feelings, but at the same time Hermann was able to imagine so perfectly the way that Newton would tell him he’d misunderstood.

                “I’m pretty sure I’ve always been a bit damaged, Hermms, but us? We’re ok…a bit broken down right now but ok,” Newton said, eyes narrowed at Hermann as Dr. Geiszler seemed to regret not having that link into Hermann’s thoughts himself. Newton had far better willpower than Hermann would have felt capable of at that moment though and their link stayed closed to them both.

                “Then whenever you are ready, Dr. Geiszler, we shall talk,” Hermann said with a soft nod of his head and Newton gave him a small smile. Hermann turned back to looking out the window, trying to concentrate on the moments that confirmed their mutual feelings instead of those that opposed the theory. Newton had said they were fine and Hermann had learned that even the impossible could be wielded into truth by the man’s lips.

                It became infinitely easier to imagine a world where the two of them truly were ok when he felt Newton take his hand, silently lacing their fingers together as they both avoided looking at the other.

 

                Newton hated shutting Hermann out but right then he had the desperate need to do so. The last night had been too much, too perfect and amazing that had somehow turned into a horrible disaster when Hermann had pulled away and shut him out in his own way. He wanted to kiss Hermann, yell at him for being so callous and tell the man he loved him a hundred times over because of that crushing doubt that so often came barreling into Hermann’s mind like a storm. They needed to talk though, they couldn’t keep relying on their capabilities to translate each other’s emotions. Newton had spent the entire previous night doing nothing but that. He had laid in that bed staring across at Hermann and just thought up all the possibilities of what the man’s rejection could mean all while ignoring the obvious reasons that Hermann had stated out loud.

                It had gotten to be too much and he’d finally slid out of the bed, grabbing what he could locate in the dark and leaving the room. He’d actually thought of leaving, of going to the airport and buying himself a plane ticket back home until he realized the flaw in that plan. He tried to think where home was, out of all the places in the world, where was the one that he’d go back to each time and just know that it was home. He’d thought of his father’s place but that was distant and foreign now, a place that in his mind was his father and uncle’s home but not his. He thought of the Shatterdome but that empty metal structure felt too hollowed out and lonely to be home.

                It had hit him hard and fast like the air had been drained from the room that he knew precisely where home was. He was home, standing in that hotel lobby with his bags gathered around him in a messy pile he knew exactly where it was because home for Newton was wherever Hermann Gottlieb currently resided. He’d sat down in the lobby then, curling into the chair as he felt terrified at the revelation. He loved Hermann, had loved Hermann for so long, he wasn’t just the name etched on his ribs but the one seared into his soul and it terrified and elated him. He had built his home in his heart, a living organism destined to wither and die and someday leave him behind. He could feel the panic and anxiety, the need to run and the need to curl into a tight ball and hide from the world and all he could think was _Please God, not here._

                He wanted to flee, he wanted Chuck to be there so the man could tell him what an ass he was being, he wanted to wake up Herc and hear the man tell him the same thing in a slightly less antagonistic way. He wanted to laugh and cry, lose himself in sensory overload and walk out into the dark night until he found that luring sea to wade into. He wanted to go back upstairs and wake Hermann up, press their lips together in recklessly passionate abandoned and rely on his actions and thoughts to convey his every desire from over the past ten years.

                It was those years that had made Newton stop, that history between them that stretched out before him like a tinder built bridge ready to burn at the slightest of spark. He couldn’t do that, couldn’t risk it especially now that the full breathed of his love was finally crystal clear. There were too many things in that mingled past that hadn’t been said, that needed words and time without the muddled mess of the drift lingering between them. It had taken him a good portion of the night to build up that wall, pieces crumbling about him as soon as he put them in place, but still by morning it was complete. He fell asleep feeling that disconnect where Hermann normally sat in his mind, that alien sensation of truly being alone once more until they could settle the past between them and focus solely on the future.

                He’d woken to what felt like a mental shaking of his foundation and his resolve had slipped as tendrils of Hermann’s frantic plea as they slipped through the cracks already forming in that barrier. He’d reached out carefully, a distant call rather than the full flowing circuit of information that had ran between them when Newton remembered his decision to use words instead of thought transmission. He’d picked up his cell phone and typed out a message that meant so much more than Hermann likely would realize.

                _I’m still here._ And he would be. Once they had that time to talk Newton knew he would always be there when Hermann called. There was no place like home after all.

 

                Keeping the connection closed proved to be more difficult than Newton had thought as he fought every moment to keep the cracks from growing. His own desire to reach out to Hermann made it even more taxing as he had to remind himself constantly of the purpose behind the wall he’d built. They’d not had a moment alone together that had lasted long enough to conversation he wanted to have, and that frustration built on top of the fatigue to make him irritated and short tempered. He’d set next to Herc hoping the physical distance would help and knowing the man would be quiet, but if anything it’d made him fidget and twist in his seat even more. Herc sat silently at his side, reaching out from time to time in subtle ways to still Newton’s jittering knee or fidgeting hands when it grew to be enough to attract attention.

                In the end it was Hermann who’d caused the disruption on the plane. Newton had been given a slight reprieve from guarding his mental fortress when Hermann had fallen asleep, but moments before the man had woken up gasping for air and giving a strangle cry Newton had felt it like a change in the air. He was on his feet first, scrambling to pull Tendo out of the way as the man had tried to keep Hermann sitting in his seat and the stewardess rushed down the aisle with a fearful look. They had all just needed to leave, to let him calm Hermann down and Newton broke his rule and opened up his brain borders to Hermann’s fear and panic. He was hit with a sense of loss so strong it had left him momentarily stunned until he could find his words and speaking soothingly to Hermann, cupping the man’s face to limit his range of focus down to just him, just Newt.

                The others had started to argue with the stewardess when she suggested they needed to land and Newton had fought the growing frustration inside of him as he wished they’d just shut up. It was only once they’d all left that he felt Hermann truly relax though there were bursts of fear and panic that bubbled up from time to time. He’d kissed his forehead without thinking and realized just how close he was as he practically sat in Hermann’s lap, hands cupping his face and lips on his skin. Hermann felt steadier so Newton began to build up the blocks once more because if he lingered too longer there he might not stop. He’d run fingers through Hermann’s hair and kiss his face, his lips and some line would be crossed before they’d talked. Hermann had rebelled against him shutting them off from each other, but Newton had sadly done it anyway. He was exhausted, not just physically though his night of little sleep after more than just a little bit of alcohol was coming back on him. He was mentally and emotionally tired, his eyes stung and his mouth was dry and cottony while his brain felt like it was floating in formaldehyde.

                Words. They needed to use words if they were ever going to reach that stage where feelings weren’t exhausting. He was second guessing his conviction that this was for the best until Hermann had asked if they were all right. Individually they were each a mess in their own right, but together? Together Hermann and him were that proverbial stone atop a hill, full of potential energy and just waiting for the right force to be applied that would turn them kinetic.

                Newton allowed himself one small action, the formation of a different kind of link between the two of them as he reached out and took Hermann’s hand. He had no doubt that once they’d resolved lingering uncertainties stemming from past and present occurrences that together they’d be rock stars.


	6. Nobody Said it was Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are too busy for them to properly talk and keeping up a mental block against your lab partner of ten years is hard work. When Hermann and Newton finally do get some time alone after Hermann gets some good news they fail to properly talk once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've update the rating on this fic, btw, cause of things. 
> 
> Chapter title is from "The Scientist" by Coldplay. 
> 
> German is dubious as it was achieved with google translate *shutter* I apologize and my German/Austrian heritage is ashamed.
> 
> Also, it decided it hated my formatting halfway through. I think I fixed everything but if I missed something I apologize.

                Newton had been hoping they’d have time to talk sooner rather than later. Sooner meant once they were alone in the room he had assumed they’d be sharing again. However, as soon as they hit the hotel in Vancouver it became apparent that this time they weren’t going to be sharing a space and Newton felt a mild panic come over him. Now that he’d decided they needed to do this he wanted to get it done, to get everything out in the open so they could move past the awkward quiet between them. He needed also to stop having to focus so hard on keeping that wall in place. Shutting Hermann out was taking everything in him to maintain, it felt wrong and like he was working against himself in every moment. It left him feeling raw as though his nerve endings were bare and exposed to the world. 

                He’d stayed quiet in a determined manner on the elevator ride and felt some relief when he realized that Hermann’s room was at least right next to his. When he entered his assigned space that relief grew in his chest, expanding like a balloon when he realized there was a door linking the two rooms together. He gave a heavy sigh, practically tripping over his bag to try and get to that conjoining door and he pulled it open to find another door in his way. 

                He’d forgotten that Hermann would need to open the door for him as well, and he gave an amused noise at how appropriate the situation seemed. They would both have to literally and figuratively let each other in and he made a mental note to make that observation to Hermann just as soon as they had finished going over their rocky history and thus removing the need for this mental block. He was about to knock when he heard someone knock for him and he frowned at the wooden barrier in confusion. Surely Hermann knew how this worked. The knock came a second time though and Newton realized that it was from the main door.

                “Come on, Newt.” Newton gave a quiet whine as he heard Herc’s voice come from out in the hall and he quietly closed that connecting door. When he wandered back to the main door and opened it he motioned exaggeratedly at the man as though he was saying ‘what?’ in the most sarcastic way possible with his entire body. If Herc was going to insist on being the universal dad then Newton damn well had the right to act like the teenage son every now and then. “Dr. Gottlieb is waiting for us, I want to talk about what happened on the plane.” 

                “Oh.” Newton’s attitude dropped instantly as he scrambled to pull his jacket off and toss it on the bed, mentally trying to prepare himself to adamantly defend Hermann since the man wasn’t likely to do it for himself. Hermann always caved in to authority and despite how much Newton adored Herc, he was authority in this case. He practically crashed out into the hall, pulling the door shut behind him and finding Herc watching him with that concerned father frown. “What?” 

                “After this you need to get cleaned up, mate. You have an interview in a while and another one tonight for some late show and I can’t have you showing up looking like you’re an unwashed bludger.” Herc patted his shoulder, directing Newton down the hall towards the other end of the hotel where he assumed the Marshall’s room was. 

                “Hey, maybe we could just tell them I’m reenacting the hot mess I was after the drift?” Newton said with an attempt at humor that fell short and was laced with an ill tempered lilt that had Herc eyeing him sideways. 

                “Or you spent the night in the hotel lobby and didn’t even both to put on a clean shirt.” Newton paused, looking guiltily at Herc as the Marshall took a few more steps before looking back at him with a sigh. “I can’t always sleep either, doc, the difference is I don’t take an entire plane flight looking like shit.” Newton gave a nervous sort of laugh and looked up to find Hermann lingering near a door with Tendo a little ways down the hall. Dr. Gottlieb waved a hand to dismiss something the LOCCENT officer was saying and they both fell silent when they noticed they weren’t alone anymore. Newton scrambled to catch up with Herc and they fell into step with each other as they approached the room. “All right, you two inside. Tendo, can you make sure everything is set up for this afternoon?” 

                “Don’t worry I’ll handle it, Marshall.” Tendo gave Hermann one last little frown before he started down the hall and Herc motioned for them to go inside the room he’d opened with the keycard. Newton followed in after Hermann, noting that the man was limping more than normal likely due to the flight earlier and then being crammed into the car. He stayed standing because of this to let Hermann take the chair that sat near the desk in the room before Newton just flopped onto the edge of Herc’s bed. 

                “Marshall, I would like to apologize for what happened on the plane earlier. I promise you I will not allow that to happen again,” Hermann started immediately and Newton groaned and flopped back to onto the bed to the apparent annoyance of Herc who just gave him one of those flat looks like he was done dealing with the universe as a whole. “It was a completely unexpected occurence that I am certain will be an isolated incident.” 

                “God, Hermann, apologize a little more for something you couldn’t control, why don’t you? While you’re at it why don’t you apologize for the fact that you have to do something as human as breathing,” Newton said sarcastically just wishing that Hermann would stop. He had nothing to apologize for and if Hermann was expected to apologize for what had happened on the plane then Newton couldn’t think what he owed for all of his random behaviors over the last few months.

                “Dr. Geiszler I am simply attempting the express my regret that such an incident occurred in a public setting-”

                “Oh, right, I’m sorry, you should be able to maintain at all times. Stiff upper lip and all that.” Hermann looked at him exasperated and at an utter loss for why they were even having the argument. Newton shut his mouth before he said anything else as he realized that he wasn’t entirely certain why he was picking a fight with Hermann either. No, ok, that wasn’t completely true; he wanted Hermann to be quiet.

                He didn’t want Hermann spilling all the horrible side effects of their drift that the man was potentially dealing with right in that moment. Herc deserved to know, he understood that, but that was another thing they hadn’t really _talked_ about and Newton could give good insight on what would make Herc freak out in his own subtle, completely self-contained way. Newton pushed his glasses up into his hair, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyelids as he fought back that churning worrying pit that was his stomach. Maybe he really didn’t need to be so concerned about what Hermann would say; maybe he was just feeling extra on edge with the new/old feeling of being alone in his head. Maybe that subtle fear was all he had left and all those other emotions he’d been feeling had been coming from Hermann.

                But no, that didn’t work, not entirely at least. Newton could still feel those other emotions beneath the ache behind his eyes and the fatigue that settled in his bones. He still could feel that swell of nervous happiness and love when he tilted his head to look at Hermann from between his fingers, the blurry shape of the man looking back towards him. He laid there for a few moments just trying to draw up other emotions, playing a game of association as he dwelled on people and moments. His concern for how Herc was dealing with everything, the swell of pride at how well Mako handled herself, the tentative fondness that he was developing towards Raleigh if only for how he looked out for Mako. The sharp knife of happiness that had been his kiss with Hermann. No, Newton could still feel plenty on his own, it was just everything had an underlying ache of irritation and worry ever since he’d built up his walls. Walls never worked for long. 

                “Look, I don’t expect you two to pretend there aren’t some side effects to what you did for us all. What I need to know is if there is anything going on with either of you that I need to know about so I know the best way to try and head things off if there’s another incident. I’ve had to fight hard to make sure there’s no doubt surrounding your mental states. You’re under the microscope here and I’ll do everything I can to make sure no one tries to look too closely but I have to know.” Newton draped an arm over his eyes to close out the room as he listened to Herc who stood with arms crossed over his chest. 

                “Well, we all know I’m a horrible mess,” Newton mumbled. 

                “You are not a mess, Newton, you are handling things to the best of your ability,” Hermann said in a chastising tone that was more similar to the one he used during their typically good natured arguments. 

                “You’ve both done well with few exceptions. I get the feeling there’s some unresolved issues but as long as they aren’t being made worse by this whole circus.” Newton felt the edge of the bed dip as Herc sat down somewhere near him, relaxing the stance he took as Marshall. “Dr. Gottlieb, these nightmares, they a new thing?” 

                “If you mean to ask if they started when we started on the tour, no, they were occurring before that. I cannot say how frequently they happen as I don’t tend to remember them once I’m awake. I believe typically they are headed off before they reach the point that it reached on our flight.” Newton lifted his arm to peek out at Hermann to find the man pointedly not looking at him. 

                “Uh, yeah, that may be a little bit on me. I’m usually there to spot it when it’s happening and keep it from getting that bad,” Newton admitted sheepishly. Hermann’s cheeks went a bit pink and Newton frowned as he tried to figure out what he was embarrassed by until he realized he’d basically just said out loud that they’d been sharing a bed. Herc knew that already though Hermann didn’t know that Herc knew which might be a whole nother level of trouble. “That’s pretty much Hermann’s only problem though. We all know I have an entire slew of issues from literally getting lost in my own thoughts to erupting in anger at random Clark Kent wannabe’s. That’s not even mentioning the random desire to just walk out into the ocean and get lost.” 

                Newton sat up, scrubbing his hands through his hair to try and clear his head. He’d come to help make sure Hermann didn’t dig himself into a hole and seeing as Herc knew most of Newton’s shit already it wouldn’t matter if he used them as distractions. He didn’t want Hermann to have to lay everything out there if he didn’t feel comfortable doing so, didn’t want him to be put under undeserved scrutiny for something he did for Newton’s sake. He looked at the other two men tiredly and felt a twist in his gut when he realized how closely they were both looking back. He tried to think if he had said something that would have been crossing the line but he was floundering. His mind was too tired and angry at him for the night of little to no sleep and the amount of energy spent keeping his other half out of his thoughts. 

                “Ah ha, what? Come on, we all know I’m a few cards short of a deck. I’m not exactly the poster boy for mental health right now unless you want a shining example of what not to do. I mean, I’m holding it together but just barely, I always feel a bit on edge like something is going to just snatch everything I care about away if I drop my guard. And then I play my mental game of freeze tag where I just check out of the world because it gets to be a little too much and oh god...” Newton took a deep breath as his mind caught up with his words and he realized just why the other two had been staring at him like he had something on his back. “Ok, I didn’t mean the ocean thing, well I mean, it’s happened but only like once or twice or a few times but it’s not a literal sort of walk into the ocean and disappear, really. I promise, I just...”

                “Newton,” Hermann spoke sternly, leaning forward in his chair towards him as he felt Herc’s stare bore into the side of his head.

                “Oh fuck, I’m sorry. I’m just tired, really, I am. I’m ok, I’m just out of it right now.” If he had been aiming to distract from Hermann he’d achieved that goal perhaps a little too well. He tried to focus on his breathing, Hermann quietly trying to calm him down as Herc was a steady and comforting presence at his side. This was not how he’d pictured this going when he’d stepped into the room and there was a heavy pounding in his temples as he slumped against Herc lightly. “I’ll get my shit together, I promise, I was doing all right but I didn’t sleep last night and I think I’m just really done right now.”

                “That true, about you wanting to go wander into the ocean?” Herc spoke uncharacteristically quiet, arm settling around Newton’s shoulders. Newton fidgeted a little, glancing up at Hermann and really wanting to drop that barrier between them so he could seek some form of approval before he spoke. Hermann was watching him with a concerned frown and he seemed to get what Newton was looking for as he gave a short nod of his head.

                “I…it’s not as bad as it sounds, I promise, it’s just…” Newton took a deep breath and forced himself to sit up straighter. “Most the time it’s just when things get really hard or stressful, thinking about the ocean helps a little and once or twice when things have just been too much to handle I’ve had the fleeting thought that I should actually go to the ocean, go to the actual place like it might help calm the rest of the world down. It’s like that day on the beach; it just sort of sends me to this kind of Zen like place where everything goes quiet.”

                “Does this have anything to do with the breach? With the Kaiju? I need to know if it does, I promise you it won’t leave this room, but if either of you are experiencing anything that feels like a draw to the breach I need to know.” Herc spoke evenly but Newton knew he was worried, this wasn’t the first time he’d asked Newton that question though it was the first time Newton wasn’t completely certain of the answer. He looked to Hermann again but the man wasn’t watching him this time, eyes distant as he stared at the wall with his lips pursed together in thought.

                “I don’t think so? I don’t really know. I mean, it’s not like everything that was Kaiju just dropped out of my head when the breach closed. I still have memories of places and feelings that linger though I try really hard not to focus on those. They aren’t things I want to remember. I don’t have anything that seems new though and I don’t feel drawn to the breach specifically just kind of the ocean as a whole. Really any large body of water might do it, it just…you know how everyone has that place they run away to when they’re overwhelmed? It’s like that, it’s like my place to run and hide only it’s in my head and makes me look like some zoned out zombie…. It just seems like it’d be really peaceful there under the waves. I mean, I’ve always thought the ocean was awesome with all the different species that thrive there and the unknown of it. It’s kind of like that still but now amplified by like a thousand.” Newton really wanted to keep talking because he was mildly terrified of the silence that might follow his words, but he made himself stop there. If he kept going he’d build on it and make it worse than it really was, he’d say something stupid or just start talking about how amazing the goblin shark was and how he should totally start studying deep sea creatures that belonged on this planet now that deep sea creatures that came from other planets were gone.

                “Dr. Gottlieb, have you experienced anything similar?” _Oh shit…_ Newton sat up straight as he looked at Hermann, trying without actually taking those walls down to tell what the other was thinking. Had Hermann experienced the draw towards the ocean and just hadn’t said anything about like so many other issues between them? If Hermann hadn’t experienced anything like it though did that mean it was just Newton? Or did the fact that Newton had drifted twice with the Kaiju mean he was more affected? Or maybe the fact that Newton had drifted once with just a Kaiju with no Hermann shaped buffer to help tether him down made the difference? He hoped that Hermann wasn’t feeling any deep seated longing for the sea for the man’s sake though he hoped that he was for his own sake.

                “I will admit to a certain fondness towards the ocean that I don’t feel is entirely mine though I cannot state whether it is simply a direct correlation to Newton’s own fondness coming through the drift or an affect caused by drifting with the Kaiju. I do not tend to get lost in it as Newton does though I do feel the pull of it as though I am able to feel the change in tides,” Hermann spoke slowly and carefully, thinking out his words before saying them, “However, Newton’s need to have a mental space which he retreats to when feeling stressed is likely an effect of drifting with me. I, uh, have long held the practice of holding a sort of mental retreat where I can detach myself from my surroundings if need be only my imagined space is not the ocean as it is for Dr. Geiszler. This likely stems from the fact that Newton also has other personal associations with the sea which may be strengthening the bond he seems to share with it.” Hermann leveled a look at Herc which implied the insult to the man’s intelligence if he couldn’t deduce what those ‘personal associations’ might be though there was no need to saying to Hercules Hansen. That other association was his son, was Chuck, who even now was scatter out amongst the currents of the deep. _There were no bodies to bring home._

                Newton had to shut down all thought just then; shut it all off and reboot his brain because no that was not a good line of thinking right now when he was trying to convince Herc he wasn’t a complete basket case. The last thing he needed was to start crying, it wouldn’t be productive at all and then Hermann would feel bad because he’s the one that had brought Chuck up in his attempt to defend Newton. It didn’t take long for things to power back on but it must have been long enough. He must have slipped into the silent disconnected state despite his best attempts because Hermann was looking at him contritely and Herc’s arm had tightened around him.

                “I’m all right,” Newton said with a soft sigh, hating the fact that he made people feel like they had to walk on eggshells around him. He was better, he really was, which was the really sad thing. This was him better and yet he was still an absolute mess half the time. He felt a tug in his mind and he realized that Hermann was asking permission. He was knocking on Newton’s mental door and asking if it would be alright for him to come in even though their talk had yet to happen. All Newton wanted to do was to say yes, to let Hermann in, but he’d made a deal with himself that if they could just wait until they’d talked things over then Hermann could be all over his brain all he wanted. “I’m ok, really, it just kind of takes me off guard sometimes. I’m better though, aren’t I? A little more like my eccentric self rather than my complete and utter mess self?” Newton looked at Hermann pleadingly, hoping the man understood and that by shutting Hermann out he wasn’t going to end up pushing Hermann away completely.

                “Yes, you are better, doc,” Herc said softly when Hermann didn’t answer. He squeezed Newton against his side before releasing him as he slipped back into that Marshall mode that really was just disappointed dad mode if you asked Newton. Herc was constantly the disappointed dad until he let some of that military control slip. He dropped his arm from around Newton though it didn’t escape his notice that Herc stayed sitting close like some steadying force. _You’re dad’s a good guy, Chuck, he’s just a little rough around the edges. You had to get it from somewhere, right?_

                “We’re unfortunately busy the next few days, they’re trying to cram just as many interviews into these three days as they did the two weeks in San Francisco. If you both want to take some time to freshen up, but then we’ll have to head out. Tell me though if it gets to be too much for either of you. The higher ups won’t like it but I’ll knock some things off your schedule if I have to, understood?”

                “Yes, sir,” Hermann said and Newton gave a short snort when the man saluted. God, Hermann was never going to get over the need to salute authority figures. Herc was barely even what Newton would consider an actual authority figure anymore since they were all more like a big screwed up family.

                “Yeah, we got it, Herc,” Newton said, standing at the same time as Hermann across from him and they ended up awkwardly close. Newton reached out to steady him by instinct, and there was a moment when that wall failed and he felt a flood of worry from Hermann that he had to cut off if he didn’t want it to trigger a complete anxiety breakdown on his part. He dropped his hands, letting one come to rest on top of Hermann’s hand that was holding his cane and he gave it a light squeeze in hopes that he could convey some comfort.

                “You both remembered to bring a penguin suit, right? Or do I need to pick one up before the gala on our last night? I already need to get Raleigh and myself one, wasn’t expecting to be stuck attending a black tie event,” Herc said, sounding a bit sheepish though whether it was because he’d noticed the moment between the other two men or he was embarrassed that he hadn’t realized how fancy the PPDC liked some of its events to be Newton wasn’t sure.

                “I’m set and if I remembered the hoity toity suit than I’m sure Hermms has like five,” Newton said, pulling away from Dr. Gottlieb to start them both towards the door.

                “I, ah, will actually need a suit, Marshall. I had left my in Germany a long while ago during one of my visits once it became clear that it would no longer be required within the scope of our work,” Hermann said, flushing a little and Herc clapped him on the shoulder.

                “I’ll let Tendo know, he’s taking care of all that mess. He’ll probably want to have your measurements or what not.”

                “I really, really hope that he talked you into letting him measure you,” Newton said with a giggle, the sound felt good in his chest as it seemed to ease the lingering anxiety some in a potentially troubling way. Herc had a look on his face that was making it hard not to burst out into a horrible and possibly uncontrolled giggle fit though. “Oh God, did he take a long time to measure your inseam Herc?”

                “I know better than to give Tendo Choi that kind of opportunity, Dr. Geiszler, though I may have forgotten to warn Raleigh,” Herc said, and it was Hermann’s long suffering sigh and muttered damnations that made Newton lose it. He was glad that the other two couldn’t contain their laughter either so that it helped cover some of the nervous edge in his gasping breaths.

 

                “I don’t get why you all insist on thinking I’m some kind of pervert.” Tendo sighed exaggeratedly beside Hermann as they sat in the back of the car. Newton was on the other side staring out the window, the man having fallen quiet after they’d parted ways outside their rooms. Hermann had thought about opening up the door between their spaces but Newton had seemed to desire being left alone after the talk in Herc’s room and he wanted to respect that. Dr. Geiszler seemed overly tired and distant, and Hermann wished that the world would just pause long enough to give them time to talk as Newton wished.

                “Perhaps it is due to your proclivity for insisting on being within people’s personal spaces. It was a perfectly legitimate question to ask if you had giving Mr. Becket any reason to believe you were qualified to take his measurements for a new suit,” Hermann said stiffly, glancing down at Tendo’s hand which had just landed on his knee after the man’s rather boisterous denial of any wrong doing. Mako tittered slightly with laughter from the seat in front of them as she leaned into Raleigh’s side. The two seemed to be acclimating to their connection rather well opposed to the mess that was Newton and him.

                “Well, the answer is no. Raleigh made the same assumption you clearly made and said he’d just go to the tailors with me in between interviews tomorrow.” Tendo practically sulked as he slumped in the seat, legs splayed wide in an unseemly manner though Hermann had to admit that the space wasn’t suitable for people of their height. His own knees pressed against the back of the seat but Hermann wasn’t likely to put on such a display. He glanced in Newton’s direction when he noticed Tendo trying to lean back in the seat to look past Hermann to the man. “Maybe we should all go for drinks against tonight?” Tendo raised an eyebrow and gave Hermann a small grin but Hermann just pursed his lips. No, that was perhaps not the best idea though there was no way for Tendo to know just how poorly that may turn out.

                “There will be no drinking tonight. We all have a group interview at 0600 tomorrow morning and Dr. Geiszler and Gottlieb both have a late interview tonight as it is,” Herc said disapprovingly from the front seat. How the man had even heard the suggestion from way up there was beyond Hermann though he had to admit that Herc seemed to always know just what was going on with each of them. A preternatural sense of hearing could potentially explain that specific phenomena.

                “Dear Lord, give me the strength to handle these interviewers without alcoholic aid,” Tendo said sarcastically under his breath and though Herc didn’t say anything Hermann saw the Marshall give a narrow eyed look back at them in the rearview mirror. Normally Newton would join in on the snarking about their situation and his continued silence worried Hermann. They had needed to freshen up before they all piled into the car and headed out once more, but he wondered if it wouldn’t have served better for the two of them to have their discussion. He was starting to worry that Newton regretted the kiss, regretted him.

                “Hey, at least you’re not one of the ones they consider interesting,” Raleigh said over his shoulder, the small smirk on his lips saying he knew very well how Tendo would react to that. Hermann had forgotten that before Mr. Becket’s five years out of service that he’d had a close friendship with Tendo while stationed in Alaska.

                “Oh please, I’m interesting, my man. I’m the brains behind the entire operation, no offense Doctors, but I am. I’m the man behind the curtain, they’re foolish not to be interested in this,” Tendo said, motioning at himself with a frown.

                “I am sure they are plenty interested, Mr. Choi, and that they simply have too many questions to know which to ask first,” Mako said in a polite tone though Raleigh gave a quiet huff of laughter. The sound of it seemed to finally pull Newton out of his thoughts some as he suddenly sat up straight next to Hermann. Hermann shifted to try and give him a little more room though he shifted a hand gently to Newton’s knee. Newton was tense and seemed confused for a few seconds before he came back to the present and he relaxed against Hermann’s side lightly, his hand resting on top of Hermann’s almost absentmindedly.

                “Mako Mori, I believe you’re being sarcastic but I’m going to take that as truth,” Tendo said with a light scowl, straightening his bow tie as he tried to inconspicuously glance at Hermann and Newton’s overlapping hands.

                “What are we talking about?” Newton asked Hermann quietly, frowning lightly towards Raleigh in the seat when the man gave another quiet breathy laugh. Hermann leaned close as though to speak quietly but he made sure to whisper loud enough that Tendo would hear.

                “We are discussing Mr. Choi’s apparent inability to be of interest to the interviewers. Ms. Mori just kindly gave him the false hope that this is due to the impossibly large number of questions they have and their incapability to decide which to ask first.” Hermann gave Newton a perplexed look, wishing again that the man hadn’t decided to cut off the easiest form of communication between them. He felt somewhat puzzled at how they had managed before the drift, a timeframe that suddenly seemed as though it was decades ago.

                Perhaps they never had communicated well before the drift, there’d certainly be some large misunderstandings in the past, but he was almost certain they’d always been able to grasp at least the basics of what the other was feeling back then. Newton gave a quiet noise of amusement at the comment, patting Hermann’s hand in what seemed to be an attempt to reassure him that things were all right with him. Hermann wasn’t certain he trusted Newton’s reassurance though as he studied the dark circles beneath Newton’s eyes which seemed a duller green than normal and the way his smile wasn’t quite genuine. Newton was watching him in return and he gave Hermann a weary look and a sigh before leaning so he could see Tendo around him and putting that fake smile back in place. Hermann wished the Newton’s true smile would return. He’d seen it far more frequently the last couple of months than those which preceded them, but far too often that false smile slipped into place in its stead.

                “Honestly, Tendo, do you think they’d rather ask an Elvis wannabe questions or talk to the real rock stars?” Tendo grasped his chest and gave a mock look of shock at Newton.

                “You wound me, sir! How dare you!” Tendo said as he looked betrayed before he dramatically flipped Newton off.

                “Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?” Newton said haughtily, leaning over Hermann slightly placing them close together.

                “I bite my thumb, sir.”

                “Do you bite your thumb at _us,_ sir?” Newton said, motioning to Hermann and him. Dr. Gottlieb groaned as he pinched the bridge of his nose as he knew where the discussion was heading. The last thing he wished to be in the middle of was another ridiculous Shakespeare competition between Newton and Tendo, especially with Newton leaning so close with being confined to the close and crowded quarters of the vehicle while the memory of their kiss still fresh in his mind.

                “Is the law of our side, if I say ay?” Tendo said to Hermann who now seemed to be playing both sides of the argument as Mako laughed against Raleigh’s shoulder.

                “Dear Lord, may we not do this?” Hermann said in exasperation but found his wishes unheeded as Tendo chose to take this as a ‘no’.

                “No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I bite my thumb, sir.”

                “Marshall, have we perhaps reached our destination yet?” Hermann said in pained tones as Tendo now leaned over to ruffle Newton’s hair affectionately. Herc glanced back at him in the rearview mirror, thankfully looking just as exasperated by the conversation as Hermann.

                “Unfortunately no.” Hermann gave a sigh of suffering though he focused his attention on Newton who was gleefully enthralled in his Shakespearian battle no and felt a small flutter of hope. The false cheer had dissipated some to be replaced with a far more genuine sort of smile, and Newton’s hand rested on Hermann’s knee in a casual fashion as he leaned over him to make insult to Tendo. Hermann shifted, allowing himself to slip an arm behind Newton in the ruse of making himself more comfortable and to lean back out of the line of fire to the best of his ability. Newton glanced at him when he did this, and Hermann felt some of his fears ease when the man rested into the loose embrace to bring them closer.

               

                Newton walked into his room feeling exhausted and worn down. It had been interview after interview for the last two days straight. They’d gotten back late the night before and any hope that he’d have time to talk to Hermann in private was lost with how completely bone tired they’d both been. The doors between their rooms had stayed closed that night and Newton had restlessly stared at the barriers as though they were responsible for the walls he’d put up in his mind.

                They’d said good night out in the hall and now he wasn’t even sure he had the energy levels required to change out of his clothes. He flopped onto his bed, hands going to his head which had started to pound ominously. It wasn’t just the constant requirements to answer questions about his life that was making Newton feel like he’d been ran over by a Kaiju…again…ok, so Otachi hadn’t literally ran him over but still. If he had thought keep the walls up in his mind had proven painful the first day now he could say it was almost concerning how much his head hurt at times. It was like constantly having to be alert to push some reset button in order to keep the entire place from falling down around him.

                He dropped his hands away from his face to stare at those doors once more and finally worked up the will power to drag himself back up from the bed. He doubted Hermann would want to talk at this time of night after the long day they’d had, but still…it didn’t hurt to open the door, right? He stood in front of the connecting door for a while debating, but finally came to the decision that it was perfectly reasonable to open his side just in case. He pulled the door open as quietly as he could in hopes that it wouldn’t be obvious to Hermann on the other side. He could hear Hermann’s voice once he’d pulled the door open as the man seemed to be talking to someone else. Newton frowned when he heard a female voice respond back, confused as he was certain Mako had gone down the hall to the room she was sharing with Raleigh.

                Newton knew he shouldn’t have been standing there trying to listen and figure out just who was in the room with Hermann, but his curiosity had always had the tendency to get away from him. He stared with a frown as he tried to pinpoint the voice, knowing he recognized it from somewhere, when suddenly Hermann’s side of the door flew open. Hermann had his hand raised like he was about to knock when he saw Newton there and froze.

                “Oh God, I wasn’t eavesdropping I promise, I was just…I…” _Shit._ Why was he always fucking things up? He waited for Hermann to start in on him but the man just stared as though he was in shock before shaking his head lightly.

                “Newton, come,” Hermann said in a tone that Newton had never heard before as he grabbed him by the hand and dragged Newton into his room. Newton stumbled after him, amazed that Hermann wasn’t tripping over his own cane with the pace he set as he dragged Newton over to the laptop computer sitting on the desk. Hermann sat down in the chair heavily, pulling Newton down so he was eye level with the computer. Hermann straightened his back as a look of wonder came to his face and Newton was so totally lost right now, what exactly was going on? “Newton Geiszler, I’d like to formally introduce you to Adalia Hermia Gottlieb.”

                “Hey there Dr. What’s your face?” Newton looked at the computer screen and felt a laugh of wonder come bubbling out of him as he saw Vanessa on the screen, lying in bed with a tiny little bundle of infant human being in her arms. He leaned closer, reaching blindly to find Hermann’s arm and grip it tightly.

                “Oh my God, it’s a little baby Gottlieb!”

                “Yes…” Hermann breathed beside him and Newton looked back at him as he felt joy explode inside of him. He was apparently still capable of feeling something other than worry and irritation because right then Newton felt such unbelievable joy that it almost hurt. His ribs ached with it in a familiar way that he hadn’t thought he’d feel again for a long time. Hermann’s eyes were filled with tears and the man was beaming so damn proudly that Newton couldn’t help but want to kiss him. He resisted the urge but instead let his hand slip down Hermann’s arm so that he could link their fingers together before looking back at the computer where Karla was making an appearance.

                “Newton, there you are! I told my fool brother that I didn’t care if you two had been ‘awake since an unreasonably early hour’ and ‘run ragged by the damn intrusive interviewers’ and that you had to be here since you’re family too,” Karla said happily, settling a hip on the bed beside Vanessa who looked tired but overwhelmingly happy as she cooed softly at their baby girl.

                “Damn right I had to be here for this!”

                “Newton, language,” Hermann said in a chastising tone which was somewhat less effective due to the fact that he couldn’t stop smiling.

                “Oh shut up, Hermms, she won’t pick up the meaning of words for at least another seven months. Right now all she understands is the emotion behind them, isn’t that right you gorgeous girl? She’s healthy and happy and all that right? Ten fingers and toes and they’re going to do all the tests right?” Karla laughed, a hand fondly running through Vanessa’s curls as they shifted Adalia between them so Karla could hold her up closer to the camera. She had blue eyes, though Newton knew that would likely change as she grew, especially as she had taken on the dark complexion of her mother. There was a bit of Hermann in there though as the baby had a tiny little scowl on her face from being unsettled from the warm arms of her mother. “Oh God, she really is gorgeous. She has your scowl, Hermms.”

                “Really, Dr. Geiszler?” Hermann said though he laughed softly, leaning in to look at the little wonder on the screen as well.

                “Yes, you have your Uncle Daddy’s angry face, you poor, poor thing,” Newton cooed, hearing Karla and Vanessa both laugh on the other side before Adalia was pulled back as she began to fuss. Karla passed her gently back to Vanessa, moving so she was more in focus on the video chat.

                “You are not going to encourage this child to call me that, Newton.”

                “Oh, yes, I am and she’ll learn very quickly that it will be her Uncle Newton who’s the fun one. I’ll teach her all sorts of cool things,” Newton said, turning to smack Hermann lightly on the shoulder. When he turned around again Karla was eying the two of them with bright eyes and Newton felt his cheeks heat up a little under her knowing gaze. “You have a beauty baby, Karla.”

                “Thank you, Newton. I’m very lucky to have such a wonderful brother who helped get us here. Adalia will love both her Uncle Newton and her Uncle Daddy.”

                “Oh dear Lord, please do not have her call me that. We do not need to confuse this poor child,” Hermann said in embarrassment and Karla gave him a wicked grin. “You both are intolerable.”

                “Oh come off it, Hermes, you love both of us even when we gang up on you,” Karla said, giving them a wink through the camera and it was Hermann’s turn to blush violently.

                “Yes…well, I wish I could be there with you both, Karla.”

                “I know, Hermann, we wish you could be here too. Soon though, as soon as possible, ok? That goes for you too, Newton.” She looked at them both earnestly, the sounds of Adalia fussing quietly behind her signaling the end of the call.

                “Of course,” Newton said with a bright smile, giving Hermann’s hand a gentle squeeze and feeling it reciprocated like a promise.

                “I should go. Vanessa is exhausted and so is our little Herzchen. We’ll try to get ahold of you again next week though, maybe?”

                “Yes, yes we will coordinate a time that will work.” Hermann nodded his head, lashes damp with joyful tears that just made him look beautiful just then. Sure, Vanessa was the gorgeous model but that kid sure was lucky to have a beautiful genetic donor like Hermann.

                “Love you both.”

                “Love you.” Newton and Hermann said it at the same time and Karla gave a laugh of amusement before the call ended. They sat there, Newton crouched down beside Hermann in the chair, for a long moment as they both processed what they’d just seen. There was a little baby Gottlieb in the world now, in a world that wasn’t on the brink of ending and who had two gorgeous mothers and an amazing brainiac Uncle Daddy. Newton looked up at Hermann, smiling widely and realizing for the first time that his eyes were damp with tears of joy as well.

                It happened, it just happened, he hadn’t even been thinking about it…ok, he’d been thinking a little about it. That was a lie to, he’d been thinking a lot about it, but still he hadn’t intended it to happen as he lunged up at Hermann; their lips crashing together as he mumbled something really super intelligent like ‘You make beautiful babies’. Hermann seemed startled at first but then he was kissing Newton back, and Hermann’s hands were tangled in his hair and his tongue was in Newton’s mouth and oh God…. He pulled out of the kiss just as suddenly as he’d initiated it but they stayed tangled and close as he stared wide eyed at Hermann. Talking, they were supposed to be talking. _This wasn’t talking, goddammit Newton, this wasn’t talking._ Hermann stayed completely silent, looking at Newton with his lips bruised and parted and those ridiculous lashed still damp with tears. Newton gave a quiet groan cause yeah, this was going to happen. It was probably a horrible idea but…

                “Oh, fuck it,” he said with a soft whine in his voice.

                “Indeed,” Hermann mumbled, their lips meeting again as Newton climbed up into Hermann’s lap. The man scooted back as far as he could to make as much room as possible for Newton as he straddled Hermann in the chair, ignoring how the arm rests dug into his thighs in favor of focusing on how Hermann’s tongue ran along the backs of his teeth. Hermann was an intense kisser, demanding and greedy as he fought Newton for control. His fingers stayed twisted in Newton’s hair until they had to part so they could each catch their breaths, and while they sat with foreheads touching Hermann dropped his hands down between them. He touched the waist of Newton’s pants, teasing at the button lightly and waiting to see if Newton would protest. Yeah, no, no protest, in for a penny in for a pound or whatever the hell that saying was.

                Newton responded by reaching for Hermann’s pants, starting to undo them without a word and he frowned in concentration at just how fucking complicated someone had apparently felt like making these pants. Hermann had his undone long before Newton had figured out that it was a clasp and not a button, and he was relieved to find that past that Hermann’s pants were completely normal and just had a zipper because really? All thought of just why someone would feel the need to make, much less wear, such complicated clothing was washed from his mind as Hermann tenderly pulled his already half-hard cock free from his jeans. Newton whimpered Hermann’s name and his eyes fluttered closed as those long fingers stroked down along his length. Hermann pressed another kiss to his lips, softer and more patient this time as Newton’s back arched.

                    “Mein schöner Schatz, bist du die Gleichung der Vollkommenheit, meine süße Newton.” Hermann was speaking to him in German, mumbled words against Newton’s lips and it took a few seconds for Newton’s brain to process language again. _My beautiful darling, you are the equation of perfection, my sweet Newton._ Newton gave a breathy laugh as he realized what Hermann had said because of course the man would speak romantic nerd in German at him while they were doing this. _Of course!_ He opened his eyes again to find Hermann watching him and Newton flushed under that focused dark gaze. He resumed his previous activity of getting Hermann properly disheveled and that unwavering stare finally broke as Newton took hold of Hermann’s erection, giving it a few steady and firm strokes once it was free.     

                “Wer bleibt in diesem Raum neben unwissentlich am Ende in Kontakt mit unseren biologischen Materie, Hermms.” _Whoever stays in this room next will unwittingly end up in contact with our biological matter, Hermms._ Hermann made a disapproving noise and ran his thumb over the head of Newton’s cock causing another undignified moan to escape his lips.     

              “Of course you would be vulgar,” Hermann muttered though he couldn’t be too upset as he was peppering Newton’s jaw with fluttering kisses, moving closer to his neck as Newton tilted his head back to give him access.     

              “Ja.” Newton couldn’t manage much more as one of Hermann’s hands continued to tease along his flesh. His free hand gently pushed Newton’s hands away from their similar task, and Newton wanted to protest until he felt Hermann take them both in hand firmly. Hermann’s cock was pressed to the underside of Newton’s, long fingers finally stroking steadily along them both as Newton gripped the back of the chair and bit his bottom lip. Hermann’s lips found his neck; sucking lightly upon patches, not long enough to leave a mark, but long enough to leave Newton’s skin tingling. “Fick Hermann, Gott ja, bitte ...“     

              Hermann mumbled more endearments at him, the hand that wasn’t working at a steady and quick pace along their erections pressed against Newton’s back to make sure the man didn’t fall backwards as Newton’s back arched again. Eventually words failed them both, Newton’s skin damp with sweat as he panted, cheek pressed to the top of Hermann’s head as those lips continued to brush over his neck just above his collar. Newton’s body seemed to spark at every point of contact between them, electrical currents dancing across nerve endings and an almost unbearable sense of elation building in his chest as though it might burst. He would crash hard after this, after the rush of chemical release had passed and he was left with a deprived brain once more, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care because he had Hermann, he had his Hermann panting his name with hot breath against his flesh and delicate hands bringing him fast to his end.     

              “Hermann, I-“ Newton’s words were cut off by a gasp as he felt himself tumble, hands moving to tangle into the ridiculous mess that Hermann called hair.     

              “Hush mein Liebling Liebe.” Hermann continued to stroke them both as Newton came, carrying him through and finally releasing himself with a choked moan as he nuzzled against Newton’s shoulder. Newton wished he’d been able to see Hermann face in that moment, to see just what the man looked like during the seconds of orgasm. He let one hand fall, carefully stroking Hermann to help him finish before they both collapsed against each other.    

             Newton had actually started to doze there, wrapped up around Hermann in what was probably the most uncomfortable chair in the world. He pulled back suddenly at the thought, managing to actually fall back off of Hermann’s lap and land hard on the carpeted floor as Hermann tried to catch him. They ended up with Hermann carefully balanced to keep himself from following after Newton as he teetered on the edge of the chair and Newton’s legs tangled hopelessly in his own pants as they stared at each other with wide eyes.   

                “Scheiße, is your leg ok? God, I didn’t just hurt you, did I?” Newton spoke in a rush, mind rushing as he tried to find some sign that he’d screwed up Hermann’s leg either with the fall or their really hot but really unadvisable make out followed by hand job.     

              “I am fine, Newton.” Hermann spoke sternly, cutting off any possibility of Newton falling into a rambling mess by giving him a goofy and reassuring smile that just made Newton laugh softly. Hermann reached to cup his cheek with his hand but paused and frowned as he realized what a mess they both were. “Perhaps we should get cleaned up and then get some rest?”   

                “Y-yeah. Oh shit, yeah,” Newton said, glancing down at his watch and realizing how late it was. They needed to be up again in only six hours and he scrambled to get up off the floor and offered Hermann his hand. He was still riding his high and he clung to those feel good chemicals as Hermann stood, using him to steady himself before he reached for his cane.    

               “Will….will you be staying the night in here?” Hermann asked almost timidly and Newton bit his bottom lip. It would be another bad idea, another detour from his mental plan, but for once Newton was willing to let a plan go just for the moment.    

               “If that’s all right? I mean, we still need to talk Hermms…” Newton fidgeted nervously, staying close to Dr. Gottlieb as he warred a little with himself. He hadn’t even realized he’d let that wall drop in the middle of everything until he felt a flicker of concern that didn’t seem to be his own and he realized that he’d felt a brush of Hermann’s emotions. For Hermann’s part there was no sign the other man was actively trying to be in his head though, if anything Hermann was still a careful distance away in his mind and Newton felt a little swell of gratitude.     

              “I understand, Newton,” Hermann said softly, a hand brushing against Newton’s arm lightly before dropping away again. “Let us both get cleaned up and get some rest for now, however. We will both talk whenever you are ready.”     

              “Ok, yeah…ok. Thank you, Hermann,” Newton said, leaning to steal one last kiss before pulling away to disappear into his own room. He rushed to get changed and get back into the other room, afraid if he crashed before they were curled up in the bed together that he’d just not go back into the room at all. He was already starting to feel the edges of apprehension trying to move in and he focused on those moments with Hermann to push them away, keeping his mind on the things that made his heart beat a little faster out of happiness rather than fear.   

                 Hermann looked ridiculous as always in his pajamas and it made Newton laugh. The man rolled his eyes at him, carefully settling into the bed and holding the blankets up for Newton to slide in beside him. They settled there after Newton leaned to turn off the light, and he stared out into the darkness as he put those walls back up if only to keep Hermann from realizing the rush of fears that would likely keep him awake the rest of the night.   

                 Hermann woke up feeling the last lingering tendrils of the nightmare clinging to him as he sat up in the bed. He reached instinctually for Newton only to find the bed empty beside him once more, and he had to fight down a sudden spike of irrational fear that the man had been taken by something terrible. He fought to calm the storm in the back of his mind as he reminded himself that Newton was likely still there. He even had an idea where he would find the man this time, and he pulled himself out of the bed as he turned on the light. Newton’s t-shirt and boxers he’d slept in were discarded across the floor like he’d shed them while moving to the other connected room.    

               Hermann grabbed his cane, limping across to those doors to find the other room similar void of Dr. Geiszler presence and he sighed. He looked at the time and saw that only three hours had passed since they’d laid down in the bed. He dug fresh clothes out of his suitcase, his clothes from that night in no shape to be worn out until they’d been thoroughly washed. He had known when the kiss had happened that it would have unpleasant consequences, but he’d gone along with it when Newton had thrown caution to the wind. He should have been the one to show restraint, their long history together had proven that Newton was far less capable of that virtue than he was.    

                The elevator ride down to the lobby was quiet, reminding him too much of that ride where he’d contemplated whether Newton found him physically attractive or not. He seemed to have his answer to that particular concern, but he was afraid of what it might have cost them both. Newton was still so fragile seeming at times, and Hermann knew it was best that what was developing between them could be catastrophic if they moved too quickly. Hermann should not be rushing Newton into things that he was not prepared to handle, and yet here they were.    

               Still, even with know how large of a mistake that night had been Hermann couldn’t take back the joy he felt at the sound of Newton saying his name, teasing him in German as they were pressed together.It'd been rushed and frantic and everything about it had been perfect except for this space that still stood between them even now like a chasm, a breach in their own overlapping dimensions.   

                The elevator ride down to the lobby seemed longer than it had previously, and Hermann stood silent as he contemplated the fact that Newton had ran twice now. They had collided twice in the inevitable way an immoveable object and an unstoppable force must meet, and in the after math Newton had fled. 

                He sighed, the door opening the reveal the modest lobby space which stood empty other than the workers. At first he was concerned Newton had wandered out into the night alone until he heard the plunk of piano keys off from the small lounge just left the lobby and he limped carefully in the direction of the sound to find Newton sitting at the hotel's piano. He wasn't playing any song in particular that Hermann could pick out, staring down at the keys in a distracted manner and as Dr. Gottlieb came closer he realized that Newton was crying. It made him hesitate as his heart felt as though it had stopped beating for several long milliseconds as he was abruptly uncertain if he should be there. Newton seemed to sense him before Hermann could decide if he should leave or not, the biologist looking up at him in a startled manner before quickly trying to wipe the tears from his cheeks. 

                "H-Hey Hermms." Newton's voice was overly bright as he tried to put on a falsely cheerful attitude, and Hermann walked carefully to join him on the piano bench and felt that halting beat in his heart once more when Newton turned away from him. There was an intentional space left between them as they sat in silence, Hermann wondering how he could repair this while Newton continued to try and hide the fact he was crying. "God Hermann, I'm really sorry. I'm such a fucking mess, I know, you shouldn't have to deal with this. I don't know why you stick around." 

                "I stay because I want to," Hermann said quietly, sighing as it was his turn to stare down at the ivory keys of the piano. "I will leave if you wish me to, however." 

                "What?! No, Jesus, just...no...stay, please stay." Newton reached back without looking at him to search out and take hold of Hermann's shirt sleeve, holding tightly as though terrified Hermann would disappear. "You leaving is the last thing I want. I want you right here where I know you're safe." Hermann frowned; shifting slightly closer to Newton so the man's shoulder brushed his arm. Newton’s phrasing confused him and even as Hermann tried to follow the paths of the man’s logic he was coming up short on what danger could be posed to Hermann that Newton would be afraid of.

                "Why would I not be safe, Newton?" He felt Newton relax against him though he could tell from the shaking tremors in the man's shoulders that he was still crying. 

                "I don't know...it’s like, everyone I get close to, they end up not being okay. I want you to be okay but I want you close too. It's like I'm cursed or something and I don't want that to rub off on you, but I don't want to close you out either. God, it hurts closing you out, it feels so wrong and like I'm cutting out parts of myself. I...I'm such a fucking mess, I want us to talk but I still feel so fucked up and it's worse with shutting you out.” Hermann wanted to pull Newton against him, hold him tight and tell him that there were no such things as curses. He fought against the desire though, reminding himself that he should not push in case he broke some tenuous string that was holding Newton in place.

                “You are not curse, Newton. You are not responsible for Chuck Hansen or Caitlin Lightcap’s deaths. I had hoped that I had helped you realize that, that you had stopped blaming yourself,” Hermann spoke quietly, reaching to run a finger carefully along the space between two of the keys. It was such an infinitely small space and yet it could seem like an entire ocean’s width that lay between them. “You have suffered loss, you have suffered trauma and you are dealing this the consequences of those events. You are not a mess, Newton, you are human.” Newton gave a sobbing laugh as he glanced back for just a moment before looking back down at the floor. Hermann watched him out of the corner of his eye, not turning to face Newton to give him that privacy he seemed to desire while still remaining by his side.

                “You so sure about that?”

                “Of course I am, you ridiculous man. I, more than anyone, understand just how wonderfully human you are. You are crass and opinionated, caring and loving, enthusiastic about everything you do. You are a wretched little man and a hundred percent human.” Newton laughed again, arms wrapping around himself as they sat with his back resting against Hermann’s arm as he still shook lightly with his tears. “If it is causing you grief to close me out, Newton, perhaps you shouldn’t?”

                “Herm-“

                “I’m not suggesting we avoid talking or return to how we were progressing before, Newton. I am merely suggesting that instead of you alone keeping our connection alone we instead mutually respect that distance. We do not intrude without asking permission first, we do not try to feel what the other is feeling but if we need to we can allow the other to know what we are thinking. We, together, keep the boundaries of our connection clear until we have a proper talk.” Newton sat quiet and silent next to him seeming to think this over, and Hermann looked back down at those piano keys. The silence stretched for so long that he began to wonder if Newton was going to answer his proposal at all or if the quiet between them should serve as his response. He tried to think of something else to say but words seemed so small just then in the hush. He frowned down at the piano keys and then straightened his back, lifting his hands and hoping he remembered how to play this damned song.

                Newton tensed beside him when Hermann started to play, clumsy at first until he was sure he had the right keys. Newton had played the song enough times that the words came to him easily once he was certain he had the tune right, and feeling foolish and self-conscious Hermann started to sing them in a tone that matched the hushed air between them.

                “Come up to meet you. Tell you I’m sorry, you don’t know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart.” As Hermann sang Newton shifted beside him, wiping at the tears again as he watched Hermann’s hands move over the keys. As he reached the reframe he heard Newton’s voice, a little husky with emotion, join him.

                “Nobody said it was easy, it’s such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard…I’ll take it back to the start.” They sang quietly together until they reached  a pause in the words and Newton slipped his arm under Hermann’s, joining him in playing in harmony as Hermann picked up the words again.

                 “I was just guessing at numbers and figures, pulling your puzzles apart. Questions of science, science and progress that don’t speak as loud as my heart…” Hermann looked sideways at Newton and found the man staring down at their hands on the piano with a quiet smile as he listened to Hermann sing, joining him again in harmony during the chorus. As the words faded out again he leaned his head against Hermann’s shoulder lightly.

                "How did you know to play this one?”

                “Hm? I just guessed…it was one of the more bearable song that you insisted on playing on endless repeat in the lab. I noticed it seemed to corresponded with days you seemed to need cheering up.” Newton made a noise that sounded like amusement as he let his hands slide away from the keys. When Hermann moved to stop playing he shook his head quickly.

                "Don’t…keep playing?”

                “All right.” Hermann picked up the tune again, starting at the beginning rather than attempting to figure out just where he’d been in the repetitive tune.

                “Is that the only reason?” Hermann frowned, trying to figure out just what Newton was looking for. There were the words to the song, fitting for their situation but he felt like Newton was looking for more than that even.

               “The lyrics seemed apropos?”

               “You’re going to be horrible at remembering anniversaries, Hermann,” Newton said in a quiet voice, heavy with fatigue and he leaned a little more heavily against Hermann.

               “I…I seem to be missing something, Newton.” He missed a note and Newton tsked at him even as he tried to stifle a yawn.

              “I love you.” Hermann wasn’t entirely certain he had heard the words correctly as first as he stared at the tuffs of Newton’s hair, the man now most definitely falling asleep against him. It hit him slowly and Hermann’s throat tightened with emotion for a few regrettable seconds that dragged between them as Newton’s proclamation hung there.

             “I love you too.” Newton made a happy noise, cheeks still tear stained but the man seemed far more relaxed than before. Hermann felt it as that wall between them came down, but he carefully contained himself from needlessly reaching out to the man’s consciousness. He would do as they agreed, he wouldn’t pry and would only peek into Newton’s thoughts when the man gave him permission to do so until they had properly spoken about things. He continued to play as Newton dozed off against him but he eventually had to stop so he could slide an arm around the biologist to keep him from tilting back off the bench.

              There was a chair nearby, a large and plush one meant for people listening to the music while having drinks. He eyed it skeptically as he debated his capability to get the two of them carefully to it. He whispered quietly to Newton, telling the man to just sleep as he shifted him closer before pulling Newton’s legs up on the bench and across his lap. He carefully scooted to the edge of the bench as he cradled Newton against his torso, angling himself so that as he stood he could put their combined weight on his good leg. He rallied what he could of his strength, knowing that his failing would be his damned knee if they didn’t make it the few steps to the cushioned chair, and he stood carefully.

              He stayed still until he felt steady, Newton’s weight in his arms making him lean heavily on his good right leg. He took those few steps, feeling the tremble in his right each time he had to place their weight on it, but he managed to get them there without event. Sitting back down was harder and he ended up doing so with a jolt that momentarily woke Newton who looked up at him sleepily.

             “Schlaf weiter, Liebling.” _Go back to sleep, darling._

             “Ok?” Newton’s mumbled response came out as a question, but Hermann chose not to answer it so that the aching pain wouldn’t leak through in his words. Newton shifted carefully in his lap, head resting on Hermann’s shoulders and legs extending over the arm of the chair at his knees so that his weight was completely off Hermann’s right side in quiet understanding. “Could have just woke me up.”

             “Hush.” Hermann said the word with a soft smile, the pain subsiding to an ache now that there wasn’t the extra weight resting on his thigh and he relaxed back into the chair. It was the best sleep either of them had in the previous weeks despite the aches of complaint when they were woken up by an embarrassed seeming Mako and a silently approving Raleigh a few hours later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song that Hermann sings to Newton is the same song that I pulled the chapter title from. I have future plans for this song so it will likely be cropping up again!


	7. Science and Progress do not Speak as loud as my Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann and Newton are on the brink of something their last day in Vancouver, and at last they have a conversation about Shakespeare and first meetings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is brought to you by the letter 'F'. 'F' is for Fluff. 
> 
> I cheated and the chapter title is once again from "The Scientist" by Coldplay cause it fits!

               The next day was almost a break for them even with having gotten up early for more interviews. They were going to the campus of the University of British Columbia, a beautiful campus that was surrounded by both ocean and mountain views. It was still early in the year for the plants and trees to be in full bloom, but there were the beginning hints of foliage trying to make way for spring with early buds visible on some of the limbs. They had a group interview followed by a short talk by Newton and Hermann. Hermann had decided at the beginning of the entire six month adventure that their talks would be restricted to material they’d had prepared beforehand simply due to the fact that Newton hadn’t been in the right shape to prepare anything new. They’d undoubtedly get questions about their drift with the hive mind and the science behind the closure of the breach, but he was prepared to field them for his colleague if it was needed.

                He wasn’t entirely certain if calling Newton his colleague was really proper at this point. They were still hovering it seemed in an uncertain space between the steps in their relationship. They had at last admitted where they stood but they hadn’t discussed where that placed them exactly. Hermann had been doing his best during the ride out to the campus to maintain a mental distance for Newton’s sake. The man did seem more relaxed today, a little more his norm now that he no longer had to actively keep up the block between them. Newton had accepted the coffee that Tendo and Herc had bought for them with a fatigued sort of glee, finishing it off before they’d even climbed into the car. He sat beside Hermann, leg twitching as the caffeine took quick effect on him as Newton stared out the window at the passing forests.

                Hermann was currently surrounded by excited energy of varying kinds it seemed as Tendo sat on his other side once more. He was still compared to Newton’s jittering but there was a bubbling curiosity beneath the man’s surface as he itched to ask Hermann questions. There didn’t have to be an outward indicator of this truth as Hermann had known Tendo long enough to understand that the man was barely containing himself since they were in a car full of people. Tendo would know, he would know without even having noticed how Hermann and Newton had come ruffled out of that small lounge with Mako and Raleigh after they’d not been found inside their rooms. Tendo Choi always knew when there was some shift in dynamic whether it was between people or between dimensions.

                He managed to contain himself through most of the car ride, giving Hermann ample time to contemplate the status of his relationship with Newton during that time, but as they rolled onto campus he could no longer keep quiet.

                “Something has changed.” Newton’s leg stopped jumping where it pressed lightly against Hermann’s though he didn’t turn to join the conversation. Hermann shifted, wishing he felt more secure in his theories of what he was or wasn’t allowed to do in relation to Newton. If he was entirely certain that they were secured enough into place that reaching out to take his hand would not be crossing a barrier that was still in place he would have done so. Instead, he searched for a different solution to the situation.

                “It has. I am an uncle now,” Hermann said plainly and Tendo stared for a long moment with a face that was for once completely devoid of expression. It was as though he’d been completely derailed by the comment even as everyone else in the car reacted. A look of pure happiness crossed Mako’s face and for just a second it seemed she was going to lean over the back of the seat to give him an awkward hug before she remembered this was Hermann and not Newton. Instead she leaned over the seat to give Hermann a soft kiss on the cheek, apparently not capable of containing the desire to somehow express her joy through the more passive means she typically employed. Next, Raleigh took his hand, also leaning over the seat to do so as he said his congratulations.

                “Dr. Gottlieb, the moment we’re out of this car I’ll break protocol and properly congratulate you on this,” Herc said from the front seat, a rare wide smile crossing the man’s features from where Hermann could see him in the rearview mirror. Hermann flushed in relief and pleasure at the reaction as he felt a renewal of that joy from his conversation with Karla and Vanessa. Tendo finally seemed to catch up with the world as he threw an arm over Hermann’s shoulder, knocking their heads together lightly.

                “Congrats, brother! Kids are great, you’re gonna love that little bug,” Tendo said cheerfully though there was a hint of some a quiet sadness. They’d discussed it that night in the bar before the disastrous kiss he’d shared with Newton. Tendo missed Allison and Mac who were both still back at the Hong Kong Shatterdome watching after Max. He hid it well beneath his usual polished exterior and flirtatious ways, but the man had had the taste of having his family with him for a while after the breach was closed and now he was back to being at a distance as his child grew. Hermann patted his hand where it touched his shoulder, allowing himself to relax against Tendo as it seemed the danger of having to discuss the changes between him and Newton had passed. “I’ll have to call and tell Allison. Maybe when Karla’s little one is old enough we can do playdates. You haven’t even told us if it was a boy or a girl!”

                “She’s a beautiful little girl who has Hermann’s scowl who they named Adalia Hermia, which thank God they didn’t make Hermia her first name,” Newton said, suddenly jumping into the conversation was he leaned across Hermann with bright eyes and a grin.

                “Oh dear Lord, that poor girl would have been tortured,” Tendo said with a laugh, and Hermann couldn’t contain his smile either even as he gave them a disapproving huff. Newton’s hand found his in that hidden space between them as he leaned to talk with Tendo and their fingers linked together in what felt like the most natural thing in the world.

                “I see nothing wrong with the name Hermia, it’s a perfectly lovely name,” Hermann said with an offended edge.

                “She wouldn’t have heard the end of it, doc,” Raleigh said in agreement with the other two men and Mako smacked him lightly in the arm before turning back to look at Hermann with that full beaming smile once more.

                “It is a perfectly wonderful name, Dr. Gottlieb, she would wear it proudly knowing she was named after her wonderful uncle,” Mako said and Hermann gave her a fond smile. Newton, for his part, scoffed as he reached his free hand up and patted her cheek gently in a condescending way.

                “Always the suck up, Mako, I’d swear he was your favorite if I didn’t know that was an impossibility seeing as I’m your favorite adoptive pain in the ass,” Newton said with a shake of his head as Mako swatted his hand away. She laughed as she stuck her tongue out at him before sitting back down in the seat next to Raleigh, leaning into him as he put his arm around her.

                “She would have been teased endlessly, Hermann,” Tendo said, sounding distracted for a moment as they settled into their seats again as Herc tried to find just where on the campus they were supposed to park. Hermann realized that the LOCCENT officer was looking down towards where Hermann and Newton’s hands were linked and the curious glint had returned to his eyes.

                “I know, right? Granted, with who her parents are she’ll probably turn into some gorgeous but angry little thing that all the guys are gonna be falling over by the time she’s sixteen,” Newton said without missing a beat even as Hermann felt a flush of the man’s happiness mingle with his own. Hermann narrowed his eyes at Tendo, daring him to ruin the moment, and got a smile that was so full of a tender happiness in return that it made his own expression soften a little. Tendo kept his arm around Hermann’s shoulders as Herc parked and everyone started to file out. Newton released his hand as he slipped between the seats to escape the vehicle and Tendo held Hermann back a beat as the SUV cleared out.

                “Are you?” Tendo lifted his eyebrows suggestively at Hermann before glancing out the window to where they could see Newton arguing playfully with Mako.

                “I…I believe we are but we haven’t yet fully discussed what our situation is,” Hermann said quietly. “Until we do I would appreciate that this be kept quiet. Things have been very complicated; I do not want anything to cause him to pull away once more.”

                “My lips are sealed, my man, but I’m happy for you,” Tendo said with an understanding nod, straightening Hermann’s collar for him before kissing him on the cheek. “I better be the best man though, Hermann, because if I’m not then so help me.” Hermann rolled his eyes as he carefully shifted to get out of the car, Tendo following behind him and giving a laugh as Herc caught the physicist into a tight hug as soon as he was free of the vehicle.

                “It’s nice to hear some good news, doc,” Herc said as Hermann relaxed some into the embrace, patting the man’s shoulder. There was the betrayal of some emotion in Herc’s voice, and Hermann didn’t complain when the man held on a little longer than was perhaps necessary. When he pulled away at last Herc gave him a wide smile, his eyes perhaps a little glassy but the man was otherwise composed. “All right, let’s get going, you lot.”

                 The panel interview had gone about the same as the other they’d attended in San Francisco as they sat taking questions from the audience. There were more questions aimed at Newton and Hermann this time, the school’s focus on science making the students more curious about the work of the two doctors. There were still plenty of questions aimed towards the others though and even Tendo got his fair share of questions this time which he took with a certain sense of pride as the self-proclaimed man behind the curtain.

                They got some more unique questions this time from the various members of the public, things that media hadn’t really shown interest in. Newton described how he had managed to pull together the PONS machine from left over parts, something that Hermann listened to intently. Newton handled the question with apparent ease, explaining how he had used his own background in neuroscience as well as the blue prints that Hermann had on file as a guide to ensure he was correctly configuring the device with fail safes that would hopefully ensure his success. He even admitted his failing points, the lack of forethought to include an extra buffer due to the added danger of drifting with a non-human entity and having no kill switch which would pull him out of the drift on its own if he didn’t end the experiment on his own within a specific time frame.

               Hermann answered questions regarding the development of the breach and the likelihood of it reopening, something that he could only at this point make assumptions on as Tendo explained they would both need to work on extrapolating the data coming from the sensors over time to determine if there was any chance of that occurring. This panel didn’t have the disastrous end that the first had experienced, though the students asking the questions here seemed to be cautious in where they stepped having likely seen the footage from the San Francisco panel. The closest they got was one person, a nervous seeming young man who seemed younger than the other students, who had asked Raleigh whether it had been difficult to drift with another person given the circumstances in which he’d lost his brother. Raleigh answered the question honestly and kindly, only afterwards having the boy tell him that he had been there with his father when Raleigh came to shore in the remains of Gypsy Danger.

                After the panel and Hermann and Newton prepared for their talk Raleigh had the young man come back, the two of them sitting off to the side having a quiet discussion on their own. Mako had hovered nervously near where they were, glancing over while trying to stay out of the way at the same time until Raleigh called her over to join them.

 

               Newton fidgeted slightly as he looked over the few slides they’d arranged for their talk. He’d not really spent the amount of time he should have going over the information, but it was all familiar enough he’d be able to wing it if he needed to. Still, he was feeling way more nervous than he typically did before these things in the past. It’d been a few years since either of them had actually given a presentation ever since the early days of their tenure with the PPDC. Once things had gotten serious the talks had died off and become debriefings with other PPDC scientists which had then dwindled down to debriefings with the Marshall only during the last couple of years. He was worried he didn’t have it in him anymore, and the way that Hermann kept glancing over at him like he was afraid Newton would disappear he figured that his colleague wasn’t exactly certain about that either.

                Still, it was all familiar data that he’d gone over and rehashed multiple times during his further research on the Kaiju. Hermann had kept their material focused on what they had learned over the last couple of years rather than focusing on the newest information gained during those last few days. They’d have to mention that stuff too, of course, but the basis for it all would be here in the things they knew before then.

                “You guys are up in about five. You ready?” Tendo reappeared with a new coffee in hand from some campus coffee shop, and Newton snatched it away without asking to take a long sip. He was running on fumes and that wasn’t even mentioning the drain of being under the lights with hundreds of people staring at you. God, he never used to get this nervous. Was this a Hermann thing that he had unknowingly inherited during the drift? Was he really just that much of a mess? He might just be a mess; that was completely within the realm of possibility. “You could have asked?”

                “I need it more than you,” Newton said with a cheeky grin before handing the cup back as he faked the confidence he was lacking. Tendo sighed, before pointedly taking a drink of the latte while he stared at Newton as though reasserting his claim on the beverage.

                “Though I don’t doubt your prowess, you two are sure you got this?” Tendo asked, nodding back towards the auditorium stage where they could hear the murmur of the audience as they settled into place once more. Many of them would be the same from that morning’s panel, but there were likely going to be a few more academic types out there as well.

                “I assure you that Dr. Geiszler and I will be just fine, Mr. Choi,” Hermann said with a great amount of conviction that came off completely and totally false. Newton glanced at him and gave him a soft, private seeming smile in hopes of easing the man’s mind. Each time he glanced at Hermann he felt little dual twists in his chest. One was just pure happiness because they’d finally actually told each other how they felt, but the other was that fear and apprehension that he just couldn’t seem to shake. He was still afraid of losing him and probably always would be. He had a plan figured out in the back of his mind for them to talk though about some of that shared past that had always bothered him. Once they got the root of the problem out of the way then they could take their time, go over any other issues with time.

                Hermann returned his smile, cheeks flushing slightly as they’d done back in the car when Tendo had so blatantly pointed out that there was something different. Newton had always liked it when Hermann blushed, and he had to say he liked it even more now. The guy would have to figure out how to keep that biological response under control though if he didn’t want to give away their change in status as Tendo was eyeing Hermann with that wicked look in his eye again.

                “Are you ready to blow their minds, Dr. Gottlieb?” Newton straightened his back and spoke in his ‘I’m a totally serious professional, how dare you be mocking me Newton’ voice he saved just for Hermann, cutting off any potential investigating that Tendo had been debating in that moment.

                “Yes, you insufferable little man,” Hermann said with that haughty edge to his voice though he gave Newton a wink of all things. Dude, that wasn’t fair, now he was blushing and Tendo definitely wanted to say something. Nope, not happening, neither of them needed to be completely flustered right before walking out on that stage. Newton grabbed Hermann’s sleeve, pulling him towards stage left or right or whatever side they were on and dragging him along behind him.

                “Dude, I’m a rock star.”

 

                 There had only been one point where he’d felt the creeping edges of panic close in, where he’d fallen a little too quiet and perhaps drifted a little too far away. Hermann had stepped in with ease, had taken over while moving over to where he was standing on the stage. Moments before he’d been rocking it hardcore, he’d found that place inside him where he was Dr. Newton Geiszler who had six advanced degrees and knew more about the Kaiju than the rest of the world combined. It had slipped out of his grasp though as he’d gotten a little carried away, had mentioned that those advancements had even continued with Otachi who’s purpose had seemed to be less about fighting and more about tracking.

                Suddenly Newton had been in that shelter again, the lights hitting him from above on the stage were morphed into that eerie and beautiful blue glow as the ceiling collapsed and that searching bloom had started to reach for him. He hadn’t even realized that Hermann had stepped in until he felt the brush of the man’s arm against him, a hand momentarily taking a hold of his wrist and drawing him back to the present where he was standing on a stage with an anonymous audience staring up at him. He had frozen into place but he’d at least not slipped into that space inside the ocean where he drifted with the waves; that would have really looked wrong.

                “…to track what they likely saw as a threat to be eliminated. Dr. Geiszler had infiltrated their entire knowledge data base, but as we know-“

                “As we know the drift goes two ways, so they in essence saw me too. I’m pretty certain they didn’t really like that whole stunt so they sent their assassins after me,” Newton said, interrupting Hermann as he came back to the present and tried to make a joke to break any tension that lingered from his sudden silence. “Clearly, they underestimated the awesome that is Gypsy Danger.”

                “Yes, indeed,” Hermann said in that cool tone he used when he disapproved though Newton could tell it was Hermann’s own attempt to put things back on a footing they were more accustomed too. Hermann disapproving of Newton’s lack of professional vernacular in pretty much every setting was well known pretty much in general at this point.

                “Of course they tried to have a built in fail safe in the form of Baby Otachi, but that ‘failed’ to have the desired effect. This was, I believe, the first time the Precursors had slipped in their design. They rushed and Baby Otachi wasn’t fully ready to be dispatched. Besides as Dr. Gottlieb can attest to, I’m just not all that easy to get rid of.” Newton took a deep breath, keeping his hands clasped behind his back to hide the shaking he could feel in his limbs even as he gave Hermann a grin that he was certain seemed a little unsteady itself.

                “Dr. Geiszler is, in fact, terribly difficult to part with. However, this leads us back to the Breach itself and those last moments of discovery. We have not fully gotten to delve into the data we received, but what we do know is that the Breach was genetically coded to keep us out whilst allowing the Kaiju passage. Had we had the proper time to work with this information we may have been able to achieve a viable replica of the genetic material from Dr. Geislzer’s research, but as it was our timeframe was impossibly short. Our team of Jaeger pilots had to act in the moment, and we owe it to them that our plan succeeded. And with that, I believe we have reached the end of our time unfortunately. We hope that we will be able to go further into detail with the data achieved during those final hours at a later date once we’ve been given adequate time to examine it. For now, both Dr. Geiszler and I would like to thank you for your time.” Hermann was wrapping things up perhaps a little early and Newton knew it was for his sake. There was a round of applause as Hermann shut the laptop computer sitting on the podium shut and moved to take Newton by the arm to lead him off stage before the suggestion of questions could be brought up.

                “That went relatively uneventful,” Newton said with a light laugh once they were off stage and their microphones had been unclipped from them. Hermann studied him for a long time which made Newton feel nervous, and he started to wonder if he’d slipped up more than he’d thought until the smile came to Hermann’s face. They were left alone for a few seconds, the stage crew having slipped away and their little group somewhere nestled further behind the stage. Newton blushed the moment Hermann stepped up to him, a hand moving to toy with his collar for a second.

                “You were, in fact, a rock star Dr. Geiszler,” Hermann said gently.

                “I don’t know if I’d go that far,” Newton said with a small grin, any other words being cut short and Hermann placed a soft kiss on his lips. Hermann pulled back, keeping the moment short, and he stared at Newton with his sharp and focused gaze as though trying to gauge if that had been all right, and yeah that had been more than all right. That had been exceedingly all right. “You were pretty badass yourself, Dr. Gottlieb.” Hermann gave a quiet snort of amusement as he rolled his eyes, pulling away as the moment passed.

                “Come; let’s go find the others Dr. Geiszler. We still have this blasted gala to attend tonight.” Newton smiled, scampering to catch up with Hermann before falling into step with him. He was looking forward to the gala if only to see Hermann in his tux.

 

                 Hermann hated galas. Hermann hated any gathering where there was a large group of people in which he was expected to socialize idly with. He’d managed for a while by sticking close to either Newton or Tendo, both of which were better suited to navigate these situations even with Newton’s unease with most situations anymore. Still, Hermann had eventually felt the need to slip away to a quiet corner away from the main throng. He’d found a hall that lead down to the exit that lead out into the small garden space of the event center and he stood looking out at the flow of the crowd. Tendo was standing with Mr. Becket and Ms. Mori now, the three of them talking with a group whose demeanor said they were affiliated with some military body.

                Herc was speaking with a small gathering of government officials and he looked as though he rather wished he was anywhere else, especially as one of the women who was adorn in furs hung off his arm like some unwanted decoration. Newton was somewhere out there, managing to charm his way into people’s hearts or utterly infuriate them depending on his mood. He just hoped that Dr. Geiszler wasn’t enacting the third alternative where he slipped into that space in his mind and frightened those in his immediate vicinity. It was this option that had Hermann searching for some sign of the man, trying to zero in on his short statured form amongst the people. He finally spotted him and Newton was, of all things, talking with the small gathering of musicians who had been playing soft tunes throughout the night over the din of the party.

                Hermann watched him, admiring once more the way that Newton looked in a proper suit. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen Dr. Geiszler in former attire, but it had been years and years ago since the last occurrence. He had one particular suit he wore during these events, jacket well fitted over the dark green vest that suited his eyes, and that tie that was for once the appropriate width and cut in place of a bowtie. It had momentarily stunned him to see Newton wearing that suit. He hardly believed he had the same effect wearing his though Tendo had done well enough in his shopping. Hermann simply looked ridiculous in all suits like this. It was why he chose to wearing his work suits a little large as he felt his long legs and thin frame were ill suited for the fitted attire he now had to wear. Still, the way that Newton had looked at him had caused him to flush at the sheer adoration he saw in the man’s eyes.

                That adoration was once more focused on him now as Newton turned towards him almost as though he could psychically tell that Hermann was staring at him. Of course, given their connection it was completely possible that was just the case. Newton started through the crowd, easily ducking around people to reach where Hermann was standing just far enough back to feel completely detached from the rest of the party.

                “Hey, Hermms, I thought I’d find you hiding somewhere,” Newton said as he broke free from the cluster of people and slipped into the opening of the hall with him. He came to stand next to him, looking out towards the large room with bright and eager eyes. “You always have hated these things.”

                “I’m not fond of large gatherings of people, especially when I am a focus of their curiosity,” Hermann said with a soft sigh, frowning discouragingly to a man that had noticed them there and seemed to be heading in his direction. The look must have been enough to make him think twice about approaching them as he suddenly took a detour back into the gathering.

                “Hmm,” Newton responded, sounding distracted as he clasped his hands behind his back. Hermann had started to notice the stance after they’d drifted, it was casual enough but far more restrained seeming than Newton typically was. Dr. Geiszler had a soft frown on his face just then as he watched a group of women pass, tittering something about Mr. Becket in his suit. Hermann watched Newton from the corner of his eye, trying not to be obvious or break the man out of his thoughts. “Did I tell you that I thought for a while that my life was becoming a Greek tragedy?”

                “Excuse me?” Hermann was completely lost as he frowned, turning to look at Newton for a moment before looking forward again to match the other man’s stance. “It was after things had started with Chuck, though I think I had started to believe it was pretty tragic before then that’s just what I finally kind of put a term to it. Everything just seemed to go wrong all the time, people kept dying…” Newton shifted uncomfortably, seeming to shrink down into himself and Hermann reached out a hand towards him to touch his arm.

                “We do not need to do this here…” Hermann said quietly.

                “No, no I had this whole plan I just…it’s ok, I’m fine…” Newton said, dropping his hands down to his side in a defeated way before wiping angrily at his eyes, glasses pushed up into his hair and causing disarray. “This wasn’t supposed to be a sad talk; it was supposed to be a good one.”

                “Please, just take your time Newton.” Hermann looked out at the main room again to give Newton a few seconds when the man waved a hand at him. He wished right then they could skip this talk entirely if it was going to cause Newton pain, but they’d likely never progress if they continued the way they had been, not truly at least. They might stumble and collide like they had the night before, have moments where they would seem to be well and adjusted, but he knew in his heart that if they didn’t discuss what was between them it would never really fall into place correctly.

                “So, yeah, Greek tragedy, which I had a pretty good case for by the way, argued it beautifully to Chuck even until we sort of actually got into a fight over it but again…yeah, not the point. Anyway, he told me that my life wasn’t a Greek tragedy but that it was more like Shakespeare.” Newton spoke in a quick rush of words as though he was trying to get through this part before he collapsed into the black hole of his emotions. He had to pause here to take a deep breath, glancing at his watch for some reason before he continued. Hermann wanted to comment that Shakespeare had its fair share of tragedy, that there were stories built entirely around a hero’s tragic demise. He stayed silent though, letting Newton tell this story. “Much Ado About Nothing.” Hermann frowned, hearing the laugh in Newton tone which developed more fully after he’d spoke the play’s title.

                “Once more, Newton, I feel as though I am missing something,” Hermann said, trying to dig through the mess of their combined memories to see if this was perhaps something he had retained. He felt desperately as though he needed to understand where this conversation was heading before it reached that destination, felt as though he was the only one who didn’t have the forethought to know where that final ending point would lie.

                “God, he was such an asshole. Much Ado About Nothing, really Chuck? You ass!” Newton was laughing even as he looked at Hermann with a shake of his head. “I thought he meant me and him when he told me that, and he just let me believe that. I am so not Beatrice.”

                “Are you going to explain to me what exactly this has to do with us, Newton?” Hermann said, feeling a little pull of frustration on not being in on this particular joke. Hearing Newton laugh, truly laugh, eased the irritation for him but he still felt hopelessly lost. Newton turned to him, wiping a few remaining tears away before putting his glasses back into place though it did little to return his hair to an acceptable state. The song changed and Hermann heard a rather familiar progression start on the piano as Newton offered him his hand, still fighting back some giggles.

                “He was talking about us, Hermann, and you’re totally Beatrice.”

                “Hardly,” Hermann said with a scoff, eyeing Newton’s hand skeptically before the man just reached out and took his. Newton tugged Hermann’s cane out of his grip gently, leaning it against the wall carefully before stepping in close. When Hermann still failed to cooperate he rolled his eyes, lifting Hermann’s hand so that it rested on his shoulder while lifting the other to his lips. “I really am rather incapable of dancing, Dr. Geiszler.”

                “Just follow my lead.”

                “It is not the steps that bother me, Newton it-“

                “I’ve got you, ok?” Newton’s free arm slipped around the small of his back, hand resting there flat and pulling them gently together so they were standing in a proper dance formation. Hermann flushed but didn’t protest anymore and Newton looked up at him with a teasing grin. “You figure it out yet?”

                “I’m assuming you mean this infernal song,” Hermann said, feeling embarrassed and displeased with the fact that clearly Newton understood things far more than he. There was some part of their story that Newton was grasping and it had to do with this song and why he was being compared to the quick witted though ill-tempered heroine of a Shakespearian romantic comedy. He recognized now that the song playing was the same as the one he’d played for Newton the night before, the words drifting down the hall towards them as Newton started to lead him in a slow sort of waltz.

                “I think you mean _our_ infernal song,” Newton said mockingly as he kissed the back of Hermann’s hand once more which eased some of Hermann’s annoyance. “That’s why it meant so much when you picked it as the song to play last night when you were trying to calm me down.”

                “How is a song which you chose to play at random in the laboratory considered our song? And for how long have you been of this opinion?” Hermann looked down at Newton with a soft frown, rubbing his thumb momentarily over the back of Newton’s hand.

                “It was playing when we first met. I’ve considered it our song since then,” Newton said with a light shrug of his shoulders, dropping his eyes from Hermann’s in a show of shy embarrassment. Hermann frowned, thinking back to the conference that they’d first met and trying to remember if this particular song had been playing. It didn’t fit, however, they’d first come face to face with each other after a talk out in the hallway. The two of them had clashed though that had in part been orchestrated purposefully on Hermann’s part due to his fears over Newton remembering the true first time they’d met. Newton didn’t remember that time though, did he?

                “There was no music playing when we first met, Newton.” Hermann said wearily, trying to meet the man’s eyes so that he could gleam something from them.

                            “When are you going to stop lying about that?” Newton said with a soft laugh, looking up at him once more. It was Hermann who had to look away this time, looking over Newton’s head as he realized that the man really did remember that horrific first meeting.

                “You remember then? Did you, ah…witness that particular memory during the drift?” Newton gave a snort of amusement, hugging Hermann just a little closer

.                 “No, dude, I’ve always remembered all on my own. Again, why do you think I played that song so often in the lab?”

                “You never said anything?”

                “Nope.” Hermann tried to gauge how he felt about this, and his honest response was hopeless embarrassment.

                “Why? Why would you never say a word about it if you remembered?” Hermann still couldn’t bring himself to look down at Newton, not now that he realized just how much of a fool he’d been all these years. Of course Newton would remember that time at Cambridge, how could he not when Hermann had likely looked like such an imbecile?

                “I figured you had your reasons for pretending not to be you. When you came over I was so excited because I _knew_ it was you, I tried to act all cool like I didn’t but how could I not? We’d been talking for like two and a half years at that point in our letters. But, then you said you weren’t you and made some excuse for why ‘you’ weren’t able to make it. I figured you must have hated me the second you saw me and was trying to spare my feelings or something.” Newton gave a small shrug as he spoke, glancing away from Hermann for a second until Hermann looked down at him in surprise.

                “I…How would you have known before I even spoke to you?”

                “Ha, well, ok, so I cheated maybe a little and snuck into your talk earlier that afternoon so I’d already seen you.”

                “We agreed we wouldn’t do that,” Hermann said with narrowed eyes and Newton leaned up to sneak a kiss from him as a distraction. Hermann leaned into the kiss with a happy little noise coming from the back of his throat, but as soon as they parted he raised an eyebrow at Newton. “You lied.”

                “Yeah, well, you lied too,” Newton said a little defensively. “Why did you lie anyway? Why say you were someone else when you knew we’d have to meet eventually?”

                “I-“ Hermann faltered as he thought back on that meeting, the crowded hotel bar where half the conference had convened for drinks that evening. He’d heard Newton’s name mentioned in a group not far from him, and he’d immediately turned to see if he could spot the infamous Dr. Geiszler whom he’d been writing to in a steady stream for two years. He hadn’t cheated, he’d had no idea what Newton had looked like so he had assumed the tall man with dark hair and a hint of a German accent was him. He was standing next to a shorter man with glasses and the start of a tattoo snaking up an arm that had the sleeves rolled back to display it. Hermann had felt excited to at last speak with Dr. Geislzer, but it had been this shorter man who had held his attention. He was vibrant and full of life, speaking with an excited air about him as though whatever topic they were discussing was akin to the actualizing of the Sting Theory.

                Hermann had felt an attraction to this man, but he had fought to dismiss it as he’d already fallen somewhat in mental lust with Dr. Geiszler. When he’d stepped up to the group and spoke the man’s name the reality had crashed down on him. The shorter man had turned to look at him expectantly; a cocky and self-assured smirk on his face as he stared up at Hermann with those green eyes. He was so much more than Hermann had thought and he’d panicked, he had panicked because how could this man in front of him find anything of liking in Hermann? He’d made his excuses, seeing the smile slip of the actual Dr. Geiszler’s face when he told him that Dr. Gottlieb gave his condolences but that he wouldn’t be able to make it due to falling ill. Newton in the present was watching Hermann now with those ridiculously green eyes waiting with his typical impatience.

                “I was afraid. You were more than I was expecting, I actually thought that Dr. Markham was you initially. When I realized my mistake I panicked, because you were…you.” Hermann said, uncertain and stumbling over his words as he felt the heat rise in his cheeks. He had never wanted to admit how ridiculous he felt that day, how wrong he’d been in his assumption of what Newton was like even after two years of correspondence. “I never hated you, Newton, though you are perhaps the most irritating man I have ever met. Do not begin to think that does not still stand.” Newton broke out into a grin at this, for a moment hiding his face against Hermann’s shoulder as they continued their slow and lazy waltz.

               “You were everything I expected when I watched your talk. Brilliant, a bit ill-tempered and you dressed like you belonged at an old librarian convention. But you were gorgeous, especially when you smiled cause you have a beautiful smile, Hermann. You were perfect, even if you were a complete jerk half the time over the last ten years. I figured for a long time that there was no way you’d put up with me enough to actually _like_ me, much less love me.” Newton peeked up at him; chin still resting against Hermann’s shoulder as they stood pressed close together.

                “I’ve never done anything but love you, you idiot.” Hermann said, feeling flustered under that adoring gaze but very acutely pleased at the same time. “And I do not dress like an ‘old librarian’; I simply do not feel the need to dress as though I would be better suited following some touring rock and roll band than within an academic setting.” Hermann rolled his ‘r’s’ dramatically and Newton gave a giggle.

                “Hermann?”

                “Yes?”

                “Hold on,” Newton said, giving him little warning before he pulled Hermann into a dip. Hermann protested as he was certain that they were about to go falling to the floor and he was fully ready to immediately scold Newton for pulling such a stunt. They didn’t fall though, Newton had his leg carefully resting over his own thigh and his arms held steady along Hermann’s back as his other hand stayed intertwined with Hermann’s. “Don’t worry, I caught you.” Their faces were close, noses practically touching, so Hermann couldn’t hide the moment of shock on his face as there was an echo of his own, much younger voice in his head. _You were supposed to catch me._

               “And I always have and always will listen, Dr. Geiszler.” Newton smiled, leaning to catch Hermann’s lips in another kiss before carefully righting them. His hand stayed around Hermann’s lower back, making sure that he was steady and had all the support he needed for his leg. He’d led them away from the main room while they had danced during their discussion and the moonlight came in through the glass doors. The song had ended at some point, a different tune carrying its way down to them now. “Is this…is that all you wished to discuss?”

               “For now,” Newton said softly, hugging Hermann close and Dr. Gottlieb let his chin rest on top of Newton’s head as he slipped his arms around the man. The moment felt complete and whole, that uncertainty that had lingered between them finally dissipating to leave just the two of them.

               “I hardly believe that I am Beatrice.”

               “You are so totally Beatrice, dude,” Newton said with a laugh, cutting off any further protests on Hermann’s part with a thorough kiss. Neither of them noticed Herc, who had come to make sure they were both still doing all right, standing at the end of the hall with a proud sort of smirk on his face. Tendo came up beside him, glancing around him and grinning when he saw the two and Herc cleared his throat.

               “Let’s leave them be, Choi.”

               “Aw, but they’re so cute,” Tendo said quietly, moving to follow Herc back into the crowd reluctantly.

 


	8. Reeling and Restless, Putting me to the Test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton and Hermann explore their new relationship status and the group suffers an emotional set back when they're blindsided during an interview.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started out as more fluff and then got angsty. 
> 
> Chapter title from "Bring the Night On" by Eve 6.

            Their week in Ottawa passed without any major issues, in fact, it was perhaps a more relaxed portion of the trip than they'd had since it started. It was more of a break than they’d really gotten since the tour had started, the days less packed full. There were still plenty of interviews and appearances, but Ottawa seemed less inclined to demand their every waking moment.

            Hermann and Newton took advantage of this break to explore their newly defined relationship. Hermann still felt more than a little lost at times with Newton as he seemed to play conversation roulette with him over their shared past. There wasn't the build up or the dread that he'd originally felt about their first discussion about the first time they'd met, but now it was the element of surprise that had Hermann on edge. 

            "Remember when you went to Russia after we'd had that big fight?" They were sitting in the back of the SUV, Newton stretched out across the street with his head resting on Hermann's lap. They were waiting for the other's, the group having gotten held up at the end of one of Mako and Raleigh's interviews. The windows were cracked but there wasn't much breeze coming through the parking garage where they sat, but the shade offered enough of a relief from the warmth that they were comfortable. Hermann had been dozing lightly until Newton spoke up who had experienced a revival in energy the last few days. 

            "Hm? Yes, I remember," Hermann said, weary as always with where this topic may head. They'd discussed previous arguments and misunderstandings, times in which they'd each thought the other wouldn't forgive some slight they'd given. This seemed to be another one of those conversations though the biggest instance of misunderstanding since they're first meeting that Newton had brought up so far. They'd fought terribly just before Hermann had announced he'd been transferred to Russia for an undetermined amount of time. It had been after a near miss in the lab in which both Hermann and Newton had come close to catastrophic contamination due to a moment of distraction on Newton's part. Granted, Hermann had been the source of the distraction but that was entirely beside the point at the time. It had terrified Hermann, less for his own sake than for Newton's. Had the fail safes not worked properly the man likely would have ended up blind at best and dead at the worst. 

            Though the event had led to nothing more than a minor setback in Newton's work and a few hours lost to the lab being decontaminated they had both raged at each other in the hallways afterwards. It was one of their more public arguments, each blaming the other for the near miss, and neither admitting that it was their fear of what could have happened that fueled their anger. 

            "Did you request that transfer to get away from me?" Hermann opened his eyes at the question that had been spoken quietly between them. As always Newton tried to act casual about the topic, tried to put on airs as though he was discussing the weather. Hermann looked down at him, lacing his fingers through the man's hair for a second. 

            "No, I actually tried to fight the transfer at first but at the time due to our conflict it was seen as best that we be separated. I must admit that when it became clear that the transfer was indeed going to occur I had allowed myself to think it might be for the best. Some distance between us was perhaps needed at that time." Newton made a quiet, thoughtful noise at this as he drummed his fingers against his abdomen where they lay intertwined over his shirt. “Am I allowed to know what you are thinking right now?” Newton gave him a look when Hermann asked this, perhaps sounding more petulant than intended but it wore on him these moments of uncertainty.

            Though the barriers between them had dropped and the familiar background static of Newton’s thoughts were present once more Hermann still struggled when it came to knowing when Newton was all right with him exploring their connection deeper. Dr. Geiszler, overall, still had a far superior grasp of how to navigate their shared connection, knowing when Hermann needed his privacy or when it was ok for him to siphon thoughts in and out of his mind. They were keeping the doors open but for Hermann he still had trouble entering that space that belonged entirely to Newton. He could share, that seemed to be the one thing he was capable of doing on an expert level. Just as he had done back in the hotel when the ghost drift had gotten out of hand due to Newton’s high emotional state Hermann was able to show the other a memory of some moment in time if he focused upon it.

            “Dude, does it really bother you that much?” Newton sat up and there was a flicker of a smirk on his face as Hermann’s disappointment at this change must have traveled through to him. Hermann huffed lightly as Newton turned to face him, feet up on the car seat so he was sitting cross-legged. “We can work on it, you know?”

            “I’m sure that with time I will find myself perfectly capable of deciphering our connection, Dr. Geiszler.”

            “God, Hermann, you have such a hard time admitting when you need help with something. I could tell you what your entire problem is right now if you’d just stop getting all offended that I’m better at this shit than you.” Newton said, tone of voice lilting higher in frustration. At least their squabbling hadn’t changed dramatically.

            “I hardly believe that you have managed to extrapolate the entire cause of my deficiency in navigating this ridiculous connection between us,” Hermann said with narrowed eyes. It was very typical of Newton to assume he had all the answers when he hadn’t even fully acquired the data necessary. Newton was giving him that look, however, that expression that was fully of accusation. “I am listening, Newton, I simply believe that this is perhaps a problem which needs more consideration. We do not even have our own results to the tests performed after our drift, there is every possibility that my apparent inability to fully realize the potential of the connection between us is due to some underlying issue we are not aware of.”

            “You think that you can’t weasel your way into my head because there’s something wrong with you?” Newton managed to sound even more upset at this suggestion, and Hermann closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as he prayed for the patience needed. He opened his eyes back up suddenly when he felt Newton clamor into his lap, the man’s hands coming to cup his face. “There is nothing wrong with you Hermann. Do I need to remind you again that if either of us is fucked up it’s probably me?”

            “Newton, I am not suggesting there is anything ‘wrong’ with either us simply that there might be a difference within the ways the drift affected our neural pathways,” Hermann said sternly, his hands resting on Newton’s thighs lightly as the other man scrutinized him closely.

            “You’re problem, Hermms, is that you think too much. You’re too focused on it and keep trying to approach it like it’s one of your math problems that if you just stare at long enough you’ll figure out where the error is. This isn’t a rubber duck issue, Hermann, there’s not some simple error in your coding that will just pop out at you. You have to stop thinking so much and just…feel, man. Be human, be emotional and instinctual and it will get easier.” Hermann frowned, attention pulled from what Newton was saying when he caught some sense of movement out of his peripheral vision. He brushed Newton’s hands away, trying to look past him to try and pinpoint the source and caught that movement again.

            “Newton…”

            “I know it’s not easy to drop the whole ‘science’ thing, especially for you. I mean, shit man, I love science. Science is fucking awesome and even math can be pretty cool sometimes, but this is one of those things where if you try to science it to death it’s not going to get you anywhere. You’ll just end up frustrated with wasted science and no data. You have to just go-“

            “Newton-“ Hermann saw the person shift again, standing back a distance from the SUV in between some of the other cars. He couldn’t see their face but he got the distinct impression that they were looking towards them and he felt the hair on the back of his neck rise up.

            “Dude, Hermann, I’m trying to help, there’s no reason to be getting all tense and nervous-“

            “No, Newton, there is somebody outside the car.” Hermann could feel Newton go completely still even as he continued to watch the intruding person.

            “What? Where? Dude, seriously you’re kind of freaking me out right now.” Newton shifted out of Hermann’s lap, sitting so their sides were pressed against each other from shoulder to knee. The man, Hermann thought it was a man at least, seemed to realize they had been spotted as they stepped back out of view which did little to calm Hermann’s nerves. “Hermann, come on, laser focus is a little unnerving. Are they still there?”

            “No…I’m not sure, they moved to where I couldn’t see them,” Hermann said quietly, feeling Newton link their hands together. Newton’s comment made him pull back a little and Hermann realized that the hand that wasn’t now holding onto Newton’s was gripping the head of his cane tightly. Every muscle in his body had gone tense as though at the ready to act and there was a hum in the back of his mind like static. Hermann tried to relax some though every fiber of him seemed to have latched onto the fight half of his fight or flight instinct.

            “Ok, so-“ They both jumped when the car door opened beside them Hermann automatically lifted his cane, ready to strike at the intruder. Newton caught his arm just in time as Tendo looked up at them from where he was carefully trying to balance a tray of coffee cups on top of a box. “Uh, Hermann?”

            “Dear Lord, Tendo, has no one ever taught you not to come lurking out of the shadows?” Hermann relaxed, taking a deep breath as he heard Newton start to laugh nervously beside him.

            “It’s a little hard to be ‘lurking’ when you’re trying not to drop the apparently unappreciated snacks you’ve just picked up, brother,” Tendo said with a raised eyebrow. “Unless you two were distracted. Did I just horror movie you two?”

            “How in the world do you ‘horror movie’ someone, Mr. Choi? That is utterly ridiculous.” Hermann was the one feeling ridiculous right in that moment. Of course it had simply been Tendo returning to the car, he had likely thought there was some intimate moment passing between Newton and him and had stopped to give them privacy.

            “Two people alone in the back of a car getting up to something they really shouldn’t be especially since we all have to sit in this car, guys. Suddenly an axe murderer comes out of nowhere to interrupt their deed however, this time you got a completely charming and handsome man bearing food and caffeine.” Tendo gave a wide smile that would indeed be considered rather charming. Newton gave another giggle though this one seemed far less driven by nerves and more a true laugh as Tendo got the box settled in the seat now that he no longer faced imminent injury.

            “Hermann totally thought you were some creep over lurking over there between the cars,” Newton said, leaning to snatch the cup that had his name scrawled across it. Well, it was some approximation of Newton’s name that looked as though the barista hadn’t been paying close attention while writing it. The cup with Tendo’s name on it was neatly written and had little hearts framing it. Tendo gave Hermann a puzzled frown as Newton indicated the direction that Hermann had seen the man in, and Hermann felt that static buzz creep back in as he shook his head just slightly at the LOCCENT officer.

            “Well, that’s a blow to my self-esteem,” Tendo said jokingly though that crease between his brows didn’t quite smooth out. “Herc told me if they weren’t out here when I got back to go in a rescue them. You two want to come with?”

            “Nah, man, we’ll stay and watch the bagels,” Newton said, commandeering the box to peek inside of it. Hermann had been about to say yes before the other man had cut him off. Tendo gave him a questioning look that said he’d be willing to push if Hermann wanted him to.

            “I’m sure we’ll be quite all right, Tendo, for all the longer you’ll be gone for.” Tendo nodded, glancing outside the car for a second.

            “Don’t you dare eat the asiago, Geiszler, or God help me,” Tendo said, palms pressing together in mock supplication even as the rosary dangled from around his wrist. “I’ll be back in just a few minutes with the others.” Tendo closed the door, hesitating until he heard Hermann press the button for the locks. Newton still perused the box of bagels, likely attempting to decide just how serious Tendo had been about the asiago.

            “You know I realize it wasn’t Tendo, right?” Newton tapped the side of his head for emphasis as he chose not to risk it and pulled a sesame seed bagel from the box instead.

            “If you had managed to ascertain that, Newton, then why in the world did you have us stay out here?” Newton pulled out a bagel that was covered with cinnamon and sugar to pass to Hermann without asking before he set the box back on the empty space on the seat. He shrugged, looking out the car window with a focused gaze though there was no longer anyone out there.

            “I…” Newton fell quiet, seeming to struggle to find the words for once. Hermann felt that tendril of thought reach out to him, a thought that wasn’t his own yet was inside his head. _In here we’d see them coming._ “That just makes it seem like I sacrificed Tendo to a supposed axe murderer, doesn’t it?” Newton continued on with no question as to whether Hermann had heard the thought or not.

            “Hmm, in a way, yes.” _Though the man would likely be able to charm his way out of the situation_. Newton gave a snort of laughter as he leaned to take one of the little cups of cream cheese off the tray with the coffees. The acknowledgement that the man had heard the thought brought a soft smile to Hermann’s lips. Even knowing he was better at sharing information than gathering it from his companion was some consolation.

            They both proceeded to keep an eye on their surroundings outside the car, but other than the normal passerby on their way to their vehicle no one else seemed to hang around in the short amount of time it took Tendo to return with the others.

 

            “Do you know how many porn shops there are in Canada, dude?” Newton walked into their room with bag in hand to find Hermann sitting with his glasses perched on his nose as he looked at the laptop screen. The two of them didn’t have any commitments this final day in Ottawa, an unexpected but entirely welcomed surprise. Mako and Raleigh had gotten the day before almost entirely free while the two of them had spent it doing a couple of appearances and another small talk, this time carefully steering the topics away from Newton’s close calls with Otachi.

            “No, I don’t typically inquire about the number of adult stores within my vicinity, Newton,” Hermann said as he eyed the bag suspiciously. They hadn’t done anything more than some rather fantastic cuddling since the hot mess that had been their sexual collision in Vancouver, and Newton had decided he felt it was time they at least prepared to take that step. Not that he didn’t like the cuddling, it was actually probably his favorite thing ever cause Hermann was surprisingly a big ol’ cuddler.

            Still, he kind of wanted them to have a sexual encounter that didn’t end up with him having a crisis if it was at all possible. Newton was a little worried it wasn’t possible, in fact, he’d been a ball of nerves just picking up the lube and condoms he’d gone in search of. It hadn’t exactly helped that there had been a giant tentacle shaped dildo suction cupped to the wall behind the clerk. He’d contemplated it but he really didn’t need to end up explaining that to customs every time they changed countries. He didn’t need to explain that to Hermann either when the man would inevitably notice it in his luggage at some point.

            “Well, there’re apparently a lot of them, including one just across the street from our hotel which is the one I went to.”

            “Newton?” Hermann took his glasses off so that they dangled from his neck and made him look even more like a disappointed librarian. How did the guy not realize how ridiculous hot he looked? “What are you doing?”

            “I want to have sex. With you. So, I want us to have sex. I’m trying not to be nervous, can you tell I’m nervous I’m really trying not to let that whole thing creep through cause I don’t want to make you nervous by proxy. Ok, so I’ve already sort of made this really awkward. Ha! Right, shut up Newton.” Hermann stared at him with that look like he thought Newton had perhaps become mentally challenged in the last few minutes. Hermann stood up carefully, moving over to stand in front of Newton where he placed a finger under his chin to tilt his head back. Newton felt some of the tense ease from his chest as Hermann kissed him, gentle and slow before he pulled back to meet Newton’s eyes.

            “I would love to do all sorts of things to you, Newton, but only if you truly feel ready,” Hermann said in that earnest and quiet voice, tone just a little husky and Newton felt his stomach flip. Hermann’s cheeks were tinged pink as he waited for his answer and Newton could feel his own face go blazing hot as he dropped his eyes to Hermann’s chest. The guy had ditched the sweater vest he’d been wearing earlier and was only in a button down shirt, and Newton toyed lightly with one of those buttons now. He undid a couple of buttons near Hermann’s collar, able to feel the flush of longing come off the other though his physicist stood completely still as he waited.

            The dip of Hermann’s clavicle at the base of his throat was visible and Newton leaned close to press his lips to it, hearing a quiet hum come from Hermann as the man’s hands came to rest on his waist. Newton definitely wanted this, Newton wanted this more than he could even really comprehend. He just wasn’t entirely certain that he wouldn’t become an emotional mess afterwards like last time. Still, as he pressed another kiss to Hermann’s skin and felt the brush of the man’s lips on his forehead he decided there was no better way to find out than scientific experimentation. Fortune favored the brave, right?

            “I’m ready. I think I’m ready. I can’t promise I won’t discover I wasn’t ready after the fact and I may become a little bit of a mess on you and I’ll be really sorry about that if that time comes, but right now I feel very ready.”

            “We can stop at any time,” Hermann said in reassuring tones as he pulled Newton’s hips closer.

            “Ha! Like, do we need to have a safe word or something? Knowing you it’d be something really stupid like ‘Nebula’,” Newton said with a quiet laugh, nerves jumbled in an excited mess. He smiled when he heard Hermann give a laugh, eyes still focused on that well defined curvature of bone beneath Hermann’s skin.

            “Nebula works just fine,” Hermann said, only half joking as he lifted a hand to tilt Newton’s chin up again so they were looking into each other’s eyes. “You are entirely certain?” Newton debated for maybe all of five milliseconds before nodding, arms going around Hermann’s shoulders as he pulled him into a kiss. Shaky emotional status be damned, he’d waited ten years to have the ability to strip Hermann naked and explore every inch of him. Hermann made a surprised noise against his lips, but just wrapped his arms around Newton’s waist as they stumbled towards the bed.

            Hermann pulled away from him just long enough to sit down on the edge of the bed, pulling Newton down with him a second later as their lips clashed together once more. Hermann made quiet little happy noises as they kissed, Newton’s hands working to get the rest of his shirt buttons undone. Hermann’s hands ran along his thighs through the tight rough fabric of his jeans before gripping his ass firmly to pull Newton in closer to him. How did Newton ever think that Hermann didn’t like to touch?

            He pushed Hermann back once he’d conquered the shirt so the man was lying on the bed with his legs off the side and Newton wasted no time in fighting his own shirt off. He’d been going for a quick and kind of sexy pulling his shirt off and ended up with a suddenly caught tangled with his shirt over his head and his arms twisted in the fabric instead. Hermann started to laugh, hands moving up along Newton’s sides before he helped the other free and once Newton could see again he was greeted with one of those gorgeous wide smiles that were far too rare.

            Newton narrowed his eyes, suppressing his own mirth as he pushed the man back down so he could get to work on his pants while Hermann watched him closely. Newton got Hermann’s pants undone faster this time, having discovered the secret to getting them open the last time. He had to shift off of him for a few seconds to pull them off the man, and he took the opportunity to wiggle out of his own jeans. Hermann stopped him before he could climb back up on the bed, sitting up on his elbows to look at Newton in a way that made him blush all over again. He returned the gaze, looking Hermann over where he was lounged on the bed. He was all wiry muscle over long limbs, hip bones visible dips and a cock Newton hadn’t taken the time to fully appreciate before.

            “The bag, Newton.” Hermann had to clear his throat to talk and Newton blinked at him wondering what he was talking about. It clicked into place as Hermann raised an eyebrow at him, and Newton suddenly was trying to figure out where the black bag had managed to land. He’d had it in his hand and…ah! There it was! It had ended up behind him where he’d dropped it and Newton grabbed it quickly before joining Hermann on the bed once more. Hermann slipped the bag out of his hand, peeking inside of it so he could fish out the lubricant first and then the condoms second.

            “I hope I got the right size, I made an educated guess based on previous data points,” Newton said with another nervous laugh.

            “These should work just fine, Newton,” Hermann said gently, handing the box to him and Newton fought to open it and pull one of the packets free. Hermann distracted him while he was doing this by tracing the lines of the tattoo he had on his right thigh with those long and delicate fingers which left electric trails along his nerve endings. Newton retaliated once he had managed to free the condom entirely by giving Hermann’s cock a firm stroke that caused the man to give a choked whimper that had Newton’s name tangled in it somewhere.

            Newton rolled the condom into place and then let Hermann pull him into his lap again, Dr. Gottlieb’s lips finding his once more. Newton hadn’t even realized Hermann had gotten the lube open until he felt slick fingers press against his opening in a light and testing manner. He nodded to give Hermann permission and his eyes fluttered closed as he felt one long digit slip inside. Newton felt ready to come already as he whimpered into Hermann’s mouth, the weight of Hermann’s erection against his thigh.

            “Next time, Dr. Geiszler, I wish to take more time. Give you the full attention you deserve and slowly work you into a state of excitation, liebling.” Hermann shifted to nuzzle against Newton’s neck as he spoke, fingers carefully working him open as Hermann’s words brushed against his skin.

            “Do you always make sex sound like some like dirty science?” Newton said with a laugh, fingers playing in Hermann’s hair as he did his best to distract his mind from that knife of pleasure twisting in his gut. He didn’t want this to be over before it’d really even gotten anywhere, but Hermann’s fingers seemed to know just where to press inside of him.

            “Hmm? I suppose it is similar to potential energy turning kinetic as one force acts against another until a change of state is achieved,” Hermann said with far more consideration than Newton had expected, voice dipped low and husky even as he teased. “Are you ready?”

            “Ah, yeah, yeah I think-“

            “Think?” Newton huffed, rolling his hips against Hermann’s and feeling a flicker of satisfaction when the man made another little moan of pleasure.

            “I’m ready,” Newton said and Hermann nodded numbly against his shoulder as he pulled his fingers free. Newton wanted that feeling of the man inside of him so he took charge before Hermann could second guess him again as he reached down to take Hermann’s cock in his hand, shifting them until they were both positioned right and sliding down onto it. They both had a long moment of wordlessness as Newton seated himself, pushing Hermann back into the bed once more as he leaned over him.

            Hermann slid his hands along Newton’s back gently in an attempt to comfort as Newton adjusted. Their foreheads pressed together, breaths mingling between them and Newton gave Hermann a lazy smile before he started to move. Both of them were already closer to the edge than they wanted, and when Hermann’s hand wrapped around his cock Newton’s hips jerked, needy, into the touch.

            “S-So, if next time you’re going to properly assert work into causing our change of states then what exactly is this?” Newton asked, attempting to find something to put his mind on other than the feel of Hermann inside of him, the electric flicker of nerves as he could feel that tightening in his abdomen that meant he was already close. Hermann made a sort of frustrated noise at the question, frowning lightly as he opened his eyes to look up into Newton’s.

            “I, hmm, quantum tunneling,” Hermann said, fumbling for words as Newton shifted his hips quicker. Newton stared as he stilled above Hermann and then tried to hide the smirk that came to his lips. Hermann looked at him a little ruefully as though daring him to comment and that was it. Newton started to laugh, burying his face against Hermann’s shoulder as he just lost it.

            “Oh my God, Hermann, quantum tunneling?” Newton said, shaking with the laughter now. Hermann huffed but his disgruntled act melted into laughter as well as the two of them fell into fits. “That’s…that’s the most ridiculous application of…oh god.”

            “It was the closest applicable concept I could think of in the moment,” Hermann said in his defense but his own laughter ruined the stuffy effect he had aimed for. He instead chose to retaliate for Newton’s teasing in a different way as his hand twisted and pulled along Newton’s cock. A gasp broke the string of laughter and Newton narrowed his eyes as he let his hips rise and fall to bring about Hermann’s own moan as they began to have a new form of argument. They warred with each other to see who could bring the other more, who would be pushed over the edge first. “I-I love you, you disrespectful and crude imbecile.”

            “And I love you…you…stuck up, stuffy old p-prick.” Hermann didn’t get the chance to laugh at his choice of words as Newton felt the shockwave of the man’s orgasm shoot up through Hermann only to spark in Newton’s mind and slide down along his spine to trigger his own release. They came down off the high together, tangled together as Hermann placed soft kisses against Newton’s shoulder. Newton felt as though he could curl up and sleep just like that, but Hermann shifted beneath him after a few minutes had ticked past in their hazy drift-like state.

            “We should get cleaned up.” Hermann’s words were mumbled and slightly slurred, and Newton groaned in complaint.

            “Neat freak.”

            “Forgive me for not wishing to sit stewing in our own bodily fluids,” Hermann said dryly though he found Newton’s lips with his as he spoke. Newton returned the kiss though he glared at Hermann as he slipped his hand between them, finding some of the sticky mess of his cum on the man’s stomach to drag a finger through. Hermann seemed to read his intention just before Newton could act but it was too late for him to stop Newton from wiping the finger down along his cheek. “You truly are a disgusting little man.”

            “Clearly I can expect never to get head from you, Hermms,” Newton said teasingly as the man attempted to wipe the offending strip of ejaculate off his face. Hermann paused before taking Newton’s wrist in hand, head tilting up to take Newton’s finger into his mouth to suck the remaining semen from it all while holding Newton’s gaze. Newton stared as a whimper broke free from his throat and he tried to get his short circuited mind back on track though now all he could think of was Hermann’s mouth around his cock.

            “I simply wish to not have to deal with the mess once it has dried, Dr. Geislzer. A quick shower to rinse off is all I’m requesting,” Hermann said with a smirk playing on his lips as he pressed a kiss to the soft skin of Newton’s wrist where his tattoos ended.

            “Yeah…uh, yeah, quick shower…okay,” Newton said, failing utterly to sound like a comprehensive human being. The separated almost regretfully, Newton staying close to Hermann’s side in case he needed help since his cane was still over by the desk. They climbed into the shower together after Hermann discarded the condom into the waste bin. Newton stood under the spray at Hermann’s direction, the man carefully washing him clean with a wash cloth.

            Newton returned the favor, feeling the lull in his mind as a tired weight settled over them. He could feel those rough edges, the worry and panic that tried to close in on him as he carefully wiped Hermann down. It was all the ‘what if’s’ that turned in his mind, the reminders that the things he got close to often were taken away. He frowned, trying hard not to let those feelings take over or overwhelm him. He hated feeling as though he was ruled by this fear that had settled into his core during the years and had set itself up as a time bomb in the back of his mind ever since losing Chuck. He froze when Hermann’s arms slid around him, hugging him close under the spray of the shower head.

            “Sorry, I’m trying,” Newton said in a quiet voice. Hermann tsked softly, kissing the top of his head. He didn’t deserve this, and that went for both of them. Hermann didn’t deserve the mess that Newton apparently still was and Newton didn’t deserve the show of patience from the man. It wasn’t typical for what had been a perfect bout of awkward sex to end with one of them fighting to avoid falling into emotional shambles.

            “You do not need to apologize, Newton, just know that I’m not going anywhere.”

 

            They had lain in bed the rest of the afternoon together, curled up and tangled together as they spoke of things. They talked about neutral topics, whether they needed to work on a talk over the newer information they had for later in the trip, what destinations they were each looking forward to compared to the ones they had little desire to see. Any time Newton felt that burgeoning fear try to creep in Hermann would ask some new inconsequential question to help distract him. When it got to be too much he sat quietly with Newton, listening to the biologist’s fears until Newton had aired them out to completion. By the time the others were scheduled to get back and they had both redressed to meet them for dinner Newton felt on stable ground once more. In fact, he felt more assured than he had in a while and as the elevator doors opened up on the lobby he linked his hand with Hermann’s before the stepped out.

 

 

            New York was far from being as peaceful as Ottawa. Their short break was over even before they landed as Herc received a message from some of the higher ups in the PPDC that another stop had been added. They were originally going to have a few days break between New York and the long flight down to Brazil, but this was put to an end as they were now expected in Dallas during that time period. Now that the UN was taking an interest in their organization again they were the ones pulling most of the strings, and apparently they were very interested in parading around the ‘heroes’ they had clearly backed the entire time despite outward appearances. Herc had a number of choice words when it came to both situations.

            The first few days passed in a flurry of press conferences, interviews, special appearances and talks. Mako and Raleigh even got roped into a photo shoot, something that Mako enjoyed far more than her drift partner. Newton had joked about how if they’d ended up in a photo shoot together Hermann would likely just glower at the camera the entire time but he’d be celebrated as a natural model despite his efforts. There was one small group photo shoot that was luckily more contained and less ‘high fashion’ than the one that Mako and Raleigh had been subjected to. The photographer had shown a great interest in Newton and his tattoos, even at one point suggesting they get together to do a shoot of the man’s tattoos in their entirety. Hermann was the one to shut that particular suggestion down, his jealousy making an appearance with a sort of intensity he hadn’t felt since Newton’s time with Chuck.

            “Dude, relax, he just wanted some pictures,” Newton had said after Hermann made some scathing comment. Hermann had given a snort of disbelief at that specific assumption.

           

            It was near the end of the New York portion of their journey that things grew hectic again. They were doing a group interview for a popular talk show, all of them sitting up on stage, and the host continued to lead them into conversations about the last twenty-four or so hours of the war. Newton fidgeted a little beside Hermann but overall the man was keeping it together even as the woman brought up another question to Herc about Chuck and his sacrifice at the end. Mako was quieter than usual as she’d already been drilled about Pentecost to the point where Raleigh had made a less than subtle comment about how they should move on.

            “There are so many things in those last moments that the public has been curious about, things that we can’t ever fully gleam just with questions and talking about it. That’s why we’re lucky today to have finally gotten the recording of those last moments at the breach which has just been released by the UN and PPDC for the public.” The audience clapped but the overall reaction of their group was quiet shock and disbelief.

            “What?” The question was said quietly by Tendo who was frowning at the woman. Hermann glanced at Herc but the tense closed off look on the man’s face said he had no idea they were going to do this either. Without any further warning they started to play the recording, Pentecost’s voice coming through first with the section they chose to start at. It was right before the decision to set off the nuclear device; when they knew that Striker was too badly damaged to continue on and made the choice to clear the way.

            Tendo was on his feet first, shaking his head as he motioned for them to stop the tape but it kept rolling. Mako appeared as if she was going into shock, though Hermann knew that it was likely she was losing herself in the memories triggered by the recording. Raleigh was doing better though he even looked strickened as he put an arm around her shoulders, whispering in her ear as he tried to get her up to leave the stage. Hermann turned his attention towards Newton as he felt the wave of distress flood through his core. Newton was sitting stock still, eyes wide and brimming with tears as he stared down at the floor mumbling quietly to himself. Even Hermann could feel the tug of memory wanting to pull him under, the tense moments as they rushed back to the Shatterdome and that silence when they all knew Stacker and Chuck were gone. They were nearing that part of the recording and Tendo was arguing with someone just off the side of the staged area.

            “Newton, Newton focus on me,” Hermann said desperately and was glad to receive a flicker of acknowledgment as Newton looked up at him. There was a lost look in Newton’s eyes and Hermann felt an ache in his chest. What in the world would possess someone to think this had been a good idea to spring on them?

            “Why? I…I can’t, why are they...I can’t lose him again…” Newton stumbled for words and Hermann tried to block him from the view of the camera as he saw the cameraman swing towards them. The hostess of the show was looking on seeming shocked herself at the reactions and was whispering into her microphone as she tried to get the recording turned off as well.

            “Newton, it would be best if we could get off the stage. Come with me and Marshall Hansen,” Hermann said, sounding calmer than he really felt as he took Newton’s hands to try and get him standing. He looked to Herc for help and found the man sitting completely still where he was, eyes distant and jaw tight. The floor dropped out beneath him slightly as he realized that he had expected Herc to hold it together and forgetting that this was likely just as traumatic to him as it was to the others. The recording reached a point of silence and the hostess seemed to think that it meant that it had stopped as she hadn’t been paying attention to the words. The rest of them knew better though and even Tendo fell silent, looking lost as the quiet that had followed the detonation of Striker’s payload played out before the familiar voices picked back up and Gypsy started towards the breach. “Marshall.”

            Hermann now needed to get Newton and Herc off the stage; Raleigh had disappeared back with Mako but so far hadn’t returned. He glanced back towards Tendo hoping for some sort of aid, but what he saw instead was Tendo Choi losing his temper for what seemed like the first time since Hermann had known the LOCCENT officer.

            “What the hell were you thinking? Do you even understand the sort of damage you could do? That you have done? You don’t take a group of people who have lost everything and replay for them the worst moments of their lives! You ignorant, despicable little-“ Tendo was laying into a man who looked as though he wished he was anywhere but standing off to the side of the set with this terrifying specter in front of him.          The flood of relief when Mr. Becket came back into view was almost as overwhelming as the situation itself. Hermann looked at him desperately, getting a nod in response as Raleigh headed towards Tendo to get the man under control. Hermann looked back to Newton who was clinging to him and he pressed his lips against the man’s temple.

            “Marshall Hansen,” Hermann said, trying to pull Herc out of his thoughts as Newton clung to him. The man was deteriorating dramatically and Hermann rubbed gentle circles along his back and debating the likelihood of him physically dragging Newton alongside him. His best chance was to get Herc to come back to the present and Hermann reached out tug at the man’s shirt sleeve. “Marshall.” Herc blinked and turned to look at him blankly, pain and loss etched on his features even as the recording finally cut off. Herc dropped his eyes to Newton who was curled up in on himself, hands twisted in the fabric of Hermann’s sweater vest as a string of mumbled ‘no’s’ came from his mouth.

            Something in Herc shifted and he moved to stand, leaning down to try and disentangle the two of them carefully while whispering something to Newton that Hermann didn’t quite catch. Once he was free Hermann pulled back just enough to let Herc step in and the man simply lifted Newton up out of the chair like he was nothing. Hermann felt lost as he followed the two of them off the set, Tendo still yelling as Raleigh pushed him back towards where Mako was waiting for them with tear stained cheeks and a lost expression on her face. Herc had been able to do what Hermann couldn’t, had been able to remove Newton from the situation that was causing him such distress and it made Hermann feel useless. His anger boiled up as the man who Tendo had been berating approached them, walking at a quick click to catch up with them and immediately looking regretful when Hermann turned on him.

            “How dare you!”

            “We didn’t think-“

            “Clearly. Clearly not a single thought has ever passed through your thick skulls if you thought for a moment that playing that would have any outcome other than disaster. How you even got a hold of that recording-“

            “We figured you all knew it’d been released. We even were okay’d by one of the representatives to play it and we thought it’d make more of an impact-“

            “Is this the impact you desired?” Hermann motioned back to his small group of friends, no, family. Mako had pulled herself together enough not to be actively crying though it seemed to be a tenuous control born of years of military training to carry on in the face of loss. Tendo was seething but had fallen silent now, as he stood between Mako and Herc who had let Newton down onto his own two feet though still had a hold on the man in what seemed like an attempt to keep him from swaying. Hermann could feel the blank hum of disconnection in the back of his mind as Newt had emotionally shut down and it only served as more fuel for his own rage.

            “Look, if you had maybe told them.”

            “Me! How on Earth would I have been able to give any warning to them that you intended to force us all into reliving one of the most horrific days of our lives?” Hermann squared his shoulders as the others stood behind him, Raleigh stepping up behind him as a silent support.

            “It was your father who announced the release of the tape and gave the official ok for it to be used.” Hermann felt like he’d been punched in the chest and he stared at the man with mouth agape. His father? Of course, Lars would do something like this with such little consideration for the people in Hermann’s life or even for Hermann himself. He hadn’t faded into the totality of loss but that didn’t mean he wasn’t feeling the sting of it, the full impact of hearing those final moments of life for two people he’d grown to know and respect and care for. The other losses he’d suffered just hours before those final moments when Cherno Alpha had gone down and taken the Kaidonovsky’s with it.

            “That despicable man is no relation of mine,” Hermann hissed, feeling a hand on his shoulder as Raleigh pulled him back. Raleigh who had lost just as much as the rest of them but had grown so use to the ache of it he managed to function through it all even now. He pulled Hermann back gently with that look of carefully contained anger in his eyes even as he held his hand out to the man with the clipboard.

            “Our interview is over, I would recommend you think long and hard before airing any of that footage and know that none of us will ever be coming back,” Raleigh said in even tones, almost sound cordial as the man shook his hand. The look in the Ranger’s eyes was enough to make the man turn a bit pale though and he watched them go, those of them who had regained some sense of self guiding along the rest.

            “Mr. Choi. I think it would be prudent to cancel any further engagements for today,” Herc said in flat tones as they got into the car.

            “Yes sir…” Tendo responded, voice so completely different than his typical lighthearted tone that Hermann wasn’t entirely certain it was the LOCCENT officer who had responded at first. The car ride was silent and long, Newton curled into Hermann’s side while Tendo sat up front with Herc this time. Raleigh’s carefully controlled exterior broke down part of the way, and it was Mako’s turn to whisper quiet reassurances to her drift partner.

 

            Newton had come back to him part way through the drive back to the hotel, the car quiet other than Mako and Raleigh’s whispered conversations and Tendo’s random fits of angry ranting that seemed so unlike the man that it was disconcerting. As soon as they were parked Tendo slammed out of the car, walking off on his own while the rest of them sat for a few seconds watching him. Raleigh had pulled himself back into that quiet contemplative state and he nudged Mako out of the car.

            “We’ll go make sure he’s all right,” Raleigh said towards Herc who just sat silently behind the wheel. There was a moment of shared looks before Mako pulled Raleigh off to try and find where Tendo went if only to keep an eye on him. Newton was still curled up tightly against Hermann’s side but he was at least present as he looked up at Hermann.

            “Shall we head inside, Marshall?” Hermann asked as he tried to catch Herc’s eye in the rear view mirror. The man still didn’t respond and Newton shifted beside Hermann to crawl up between the seats. Hermann followed carefully though hung back as Newton leaned into the front of the vehicle.

            “Herc?” The Marshall still didn’t respond but Hermann saw the man’s shoulders begin to shake and Newton gave him a lost look. Newton’s tears which had just finally stopped a short while before welled up in his eyes again as he seemed to try to figure out how to handle this situation. Hermann leaned forward, taking Newton’s hand in his to try and lend some support as Newton just pulled Herc to him so the man could cry against his shoulder. Hermann used his cane to pull the back door closed beside him to give them more privacy as Herc sobbed into Newton’s shoulder repeating one phrase over and over.

            “My son.” Newton held onto them both as he stared off a little distantly once more.

 

            Once they were back in their room, Herc having excused himself once he’d seemingly exhausted his emotional stores, Hermann called his father for the first time in a long while. They hadn’t spoken since long before the attempt to decommission Striker Eureka.

            “Lars Gottlieb.”

            “Do you truly have that little consideration? Do you and the rest of the representatives have no concept of what is considered decent?” There was a long pause on the other end of the phone as Hermann stood out on the balcony of their hotel room. Newton was inside, curled up carefully in the bed now that he’d changed. He’d asked to wear a pair of Hermann’s pajamas and he’d agreed feeling slightly confused by the request but not wanting to deny Newton anything just then. He was rebounding better than Hermann had feared but as he glanced inside he could see the man staring off into the distance with such emptiness it cause his anger to double.

            “Hermann?” His father’s voice and distant and weary as he spoke and Hermann had to turn away from Newton to look out over the city. “I’m assuming this is about the debacle that took place this afternoon. We’ve already gotten word from the station that there were issues.”

            “Issues?” Hermann hissed the word into the phone and his father began to remind him to watch his temper, but Hermann chose just to push on through. “With no warning whatsoever they chose to replay the recording of our friends dying. All of us on stage including Mr. Mori and Marshall Hansen who have experienced and handled the loss of the most important people in their lives. Newton! Subjecting him to hearing Chuck Hansen’s death replayed in full!”

            “Hermann, really, you must learn to contain your anger. I can understand why there were some issues playing that recording with the Marshall and Ranger Mori on stage when they lost those close to them. We have already reprimanded the station for doing so without consulting your group first. However, what does your Dr. Geiszler have to do with the recording other than he was present during the final days just as you were?” Hermann pulled his back up straight, gripping the railing of the balcony tightly at the dismissive tone in his father’s voice.

            “Being there should be enough! Did you not think for a moment that those were people I was close to? That we all were close to? And as for Newton, though I do not expect you to understand, he was in a form of relationship with Chuck. If you had bothered to call and inquire to the wellbeing of those who were present during that last day, much less called to inquire about my wellbeing you would have known that he has been struggling with that loss these last several months. He has finally started to come round and now you have potentially damaged the progress he’s made. You have hurt the one closest to me, you have hurt my family which I no longer consider you a part of. You have no thought for others aside from yourself and to ensure the world that you, and the rest of that pathetic group of representatives who chose to pull the backing on the only true offensive line which we had, truly supported the PPDC to the end.” Hermann took a deep breath, closing his eyes against the ache of a headache attempting to form behind his eyes. When he glanced back towards the room Newton was looking out at him with a soft frown, knees hugged close to his chest.

            “Are you quite finished?” Lars’ voice came through after another pause and Hermann turned away from Newton. He was furious and hurt. He wished for one second that it had been Lars who he had drifted with so that he could focus all that anger onto the man and make him feel the lash of it.

            “Hardly though my anger with you could perhaps never truly be put into words.”

            “I did not know about this relationship between Dr. Geiszler and Charles Hansen-“

            “Chuck, father, not Charles,” Hermann snapped and he could see the look on Lars’ face. The pursed lips and the disapproving scowl that Hermann hated but knew resembled his own looks of disapproval.

            “I did not know about his relationship with _Chuck_ Hansen, Hermann, and even if I did I would have made the same decision to release those tapes though I perhaps would have added more provisions onto their use. I pushed for those tapes to be released to protect you and your Dr. Geiszler.”

            “What are you talking about?” Hermann snapped though he could feel the sudden bite of doubt. There was something he didn’t know and his father did, the man was building up to it in that slow and infuriating way of his that was just short of gloating.

            “We have been bombarded by requests for two confidential items to be released by different sector of the public. It was decided that we should release one of these items to help cut off any potential accusations of hiding information. One of the requested items was the tapes of the last day recording the fight to close the breach and to protect Hong Kong. This is obvious the choice I backed and pushed for until it went through.”

            “And the other?” Hermann tried to reign in his frustration, to calm his tone since he knew it’d get him further with the man.

            “The other were the results of the tests ran on both Dr. Geiszler and yourself after your drift with the Kaiju, which was an extremely reckless decision, Hermann. I would expect better decisions from my son.”

            “I did it for Newton and to increase our chances of gaining the required information to close the breach. It is only because of-“

            “I know, I know. You saved the day, Hermann, I have heard about it several times from various sources. That is not the point I am trying to make. I chose to release the tapes over the test results as those test results would be damaging to you, but more specifically to your Dr. Geiszler. If I had only you to be concerned about I would have released those results as the anomalies within your tests could be explained and have decreased with time each time you have had them run. That’s not to say there isn’t concern over your tests, however, knowing your fondness for your colleague I chose to push for those results to remain private as his are far more damning.”

            “What do you mean damning? Is…Father, is Newton all right?”

            “Honestly, having reviewed the results myself I am amazed he survived that second drift even with your aid. There have been some promising improvements when you were both tested again shortly before this tour began but there were some troubling findings that first month. Marshall Hansen has ensured us you both were improving and healing from the ordeal, however, and that there have been no signs that your minds have been compromised. Is this true?” Hermann glanced back inside of the room, Newton still looking at him a little perplexed. He thought of the times that Newton had seemed to disappear somewhere else, the ocean within his mind which Hermann had only felt the echo of despite what he had told the Marshall, and the comment about his desire to disappear amongst the actual waves. He spoke carefully when he finally chose to answer, knowing his father was fishing for information and Hermann wished to give him nothing to base accusation upon.

            “That is entirely true, father. Newton has shown no behaviors which would indicate such a thing. It is a shock to me that there were that drastic of abnormalities on his tests to be honest,” Hermann said, lying easily through the phone.

            “I’m glad to hear that, Hermann. And yourself?” So, perhaps his results had not been much more promising than Newton’s if he was reading the falsely casual tone in his father’s voice correctly.

            “Nothing unusual at all, father,” he lied again.


	9. My Nerves start to feel so Frayed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann and Newton have an argument and in the aftermath it becomes more apparent that Hermann has potentially been more affected by the drift than they'd thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a long one. I feel a little more centered on this one. This is turning into a very angsty fic but I promise there will be more bits of fluff sprinkled about. 
> 
> Chapter title from "Good Things" by Dangerous Summer. 
> 
> I'll likely be posting less frequently now as my fall semester has started and I have drastically less time to write due to it. 
> 
> Again, the science is probably far from accurate as all I know about neuroscience and medicine are things gleamed from a handful of podcasts, internet perusing and watching Black Box.

            Hermann stepped back into the room once he had hung up with his father. It had been more an abruptly choosing to end the conversation, which was the way most of their talks went. His father had pushed for more information and though Hermann wished he could believe that it was simply genuine concern that prompted the man he couldn't help but feel any sign that there were potentially troubling consequences from the drift would be acted upon immediately. He felt ill-tempered and there were the beginnings of a pained ache in the back of his mind. It mirrored the stress driven migraines he’d had throughout the years but with an intensity that left him feeling raw. He rubbed his temple, looking up to where his partner was.

            Newton sat silently on the bed as Hermann slid the balcony door closed behind him, shutting out the sounds and smells of the city below. New York was not a place Hermann had ever desired to visit and he was finding that he had been correct in his assumption he wouldn't enjoy the place despite its history of art and theater. 

            "How are you feeling, Newton?" The man was handling the sudden shock better than Hermann had expected though there was still a distance in Newton that worried him. It wasn't just the silence anymore; he had grown use to that and the bouts of anger long ago when Caitlin's loss was still fresh and new. Even years after her death Newton had been prone to drifting away near the anniversary, and Hermann had always watched him from a troubled distance. This was different though; this feeling of being off kilter by the emotions that came with Newton's trauma. He could literally feel that distance gaping between them, the strained buzz of their connection as Newton pulled inside himself and tried to lock Hermann out. It was as though some numbing agent had been applied to a section of thought in his head. It clashed horrendously with that other bright spot in his mind that currently threatened to explode with pain. 

            Newton shrugged in response to his question, eyes still glassy with tears though they were no longer falling freely. Hermann sat down on the edge of the bed with a heavy sigh, phone still in hand. His anger towards his father was still running a thread of thought through his mind, connecting sharply with that ache. Newton shifted behind him, moving across the bed to come up behind Hermann where he took the cell phone and cane from his hands and set them aside before sitting behind him. Hermann sat quietly, letting Newton settle in so that his legs rested on either side of Hermann's hips and the man's arms laced about his middle. Newton held him tightly as he buried his face against Hermann's back between his shoulder blades, and Hermann leaned into the hold as he patted Newton's arm. 

            "Do you wish to discuss it?" There was a long silence, Hermann's head tilted so that he could pick up on Newton's response when he chose to give it. 

            "I thought I was doing better..." Newtons' voice was quiet, sounding small inside the room as he spoke against Hermann's back. 

            "You are doing better, Newton. Handling situations like this doesn't mean you mustn't feel anything." 

            "I froze. Herc had to carry me off the fucking stage." Newton said, a bitterness creeping into his voice. "He shouldn't have had to do that. Do you think he's okay?" 

            "I'm sure Marshall Hansen is likely still upset but he'll be fine, Newton. I believe Ms. Mori is with him just at the moment." They had left Herc after he'd regained his composure in the car. He'd seemed embarrassed by the display, but Newton had just hugged him tightly until the Marshall had fallen silent and hugged him back. After that he had requested to be alone though and there was little doubt he was in his room likely with the minibar opened up and quickly emptying. Hermann heard Newton sigh behind him just then, the man's weight pressing against him a bit more.

            "I'm sorry." 

            "You really must stop apologizing, Newton." 

            "Everyone will know now." Hermann was about to assure Newton that wasn't true but he realized he'd be lying. It wouldn't slip the attention of the media that Newton had reacted just as poorly as Mako and Herc and Hermann was very aware that the man's microphone had still been going when he'd told Hermann he couldn't lose him again. Even if they were uncertain about their assumptions they would begin to dig and there was always someone who would be willing to talk. They had been assured that the end of the interview wouldn't be aired but that was also likely to change. It would end up 'leaked' online somewhere. Another spike of pain; this time splitting down his mind for a few seconds before pulling back once more.

            "We will deal with it when it happens. Remember what I said, that we will use this as a way to inform them what Chuck was like. Either Marshall Hansen or myself will be there with you when that question is asked as well." Newton made a quiet noise of acknowledgement but didn't speak again for a while. Hermann was certain the man was crying once more and he traced a finger along the lines of Newton's tattoos along his arms. 

            "Can you show me? Like you did with Caitlin. Maybe it will help like it did then." Several minutes had passed before Newton made the suggestion and Hermann had gotten slightly lost in following the swirls and curving lines of his tattoos. It was therapeutic in a way, memorizing and learning the intricate patterns that covered Newton’s skin. When Newton spoke it made him freeze in place while a sadness and sense of dread etching its way into his heart.

            “Newton, I do not believe that my last memory of Chuck will be as cathartic to you are that of Dr. Lightcap,” Hermann said carefully and he could feel Newton pull away. He turned to face the man as Newton’s weight left his back, the man sliding further onto the bed to sit cross legged. “I have told you before and you know from what memories you have managed to maintain that my viewpoint on Mr. Hansen varied. Those last moments were perhaps not the…they may not help as you are hoping they will.” Hermann reached across that space between them to gently remove Newton’s glasses, folding them carefully and hooking them onto the collar of his shirt before reaching up to try and wipe away the tears clinging to his lashes.

            “I just…I just want to know, even if it’s not great or whatever,” Newton said as his eyes stayed trained on Hermann even though he knew that Dr. Geiszler couldn’t see him clearly without his glasses. It had been part of the motivation in taking them off so that he could hide some of the hesitation in his features. “Hermms…” Hermann sighed, hoping he wasn’t about to regret the decision. They had talked about Chuck before though it had been mostly Newton discussing the loss of the man until more recently when he’d brought up their separate memories after they’d realized how strong the ghost drifting effect could be between them, after they’d realized the ways they could share the past between each other still. It was easier with those memories that had some fissure of connection between the two of them, that grounding point of shared experience. Tendo had frowned when Hermann had explained it to him and had cautioned swapping memories too often and reminded him of the fact that one could still end up lost within the drift even when it was a ghost drift. Even without the cautious reminder, Hermann had declined to share certain moments like the first time they’d met before he realized that Newton remembered that true first meeting just as well as he did.

            He’d also been avoiding sharing his memories based around Chuck Hansen. It was for multiple reasons including his concern over how it may affect Newton this soon after the man’s death. There was also the fact that Hermann had spent a large amount of time feeling jealous and angry towards Chuck when he’d had no right to be. Even once he’d come to terms with the relationship the man had managed to build with Newton, even once Hermann had started to quietly consider the man a friend himself, there’d still been an odd sort of animosity nestled in the background. Chuck had had what Hermann wanted and in turn Hermann had ignored Chuck’s attempts to make him understand that Newton could have been his if he’d just been willing to admit his feelings. It still baffled him the vehemence which Chuck had insisted he tell Newton how he felt during their last few conversations though Hermann had always struggled to fully understand the nature of that relationship.

            Newton still watched him carefully, Hermann’s thumb stroking his cheek almost absentmindedly. He couldn’t hide those moments from Newton forever, could he? They belonged as much to the biologist as they did to him and Newton already knew of some of Hermann’s jealousy from the drift. He wished in a way that the drift had been like a full upload of thoughts, that it wasn’t this cluttered mess that left holes in the knowledge of the other person. It was just enough to make you feel as though they must _know_ , that you must understand that person completely, but there seemed to always be something that still needed to be said or that hadn’t been retained. It was almost like dreaming where you might remember every detail when you first woke up but they faded away and only small bits stayed in place. He wasn’t sure if more would remain if the two of them drifted again. Even with having helped create the Jaeger program and working on the neural bridge there was so much Hermann hadn’t really known, couldn’t have really known, before experiencing it himself. Hermann took a deep breath, shifting to pull his legs up onto the bed and mirroring Newton’s posture.

            “Are you completely certain, Newton?” Newton nodded enthusiastically in response, scooting a bit closer to Hermann so their knees touched. Hermann took the man’s hands in his and said a silent pray to the universe that this wouldn’t trigger a response that they couldn’t handle. Newton drifted away from him to that strange quiet space frequently enough as it was, he did not wish to find that he’d caused the man to do so in a potentially permanent fashion upon doing this. Newt was certain though, looking at Hermann with bright and expectant eyes. “Very well,” Hermann said with quiet dread and Newton practically clamored into his lap to give him a hug. Hermann slipped his arms around Newton in a more subdued fashion, trying to ignore how their posture mirrored that of their moments of intimacy. This was a different sort of intimacy, one that they’d explored before but still felt strangely delicate and unknown to him as Newton rested their foreheads together.

            Hermann looked carefully into Newton’s eyes without the hindrance of the man’s glasses between them. There was still that bright intelligence there though some of the fire had died away. Newton was slowly returning to his combative and crude self from before the drift and the loss of Chuck, but more often than not Hermann found an unsettling distance when he looked into the eyes of his colleague. Right then there was all of that old intensity though, that desire to know more. Hermann just hoped that this particular set of knowledge would heal rather than tear deeper into that wound that had been reopened just a few short hours before. He closed his eyes, pulling Newton close with the thought that if he anchored him in place the man wouldn’t be able to slip away from him.

            He focused then on that last conversation with Chuck after Newton had stormed out to find Hannibal Chau. How they’d tossed defeated accusations at each other over the risks the biologist had just taken and planned to take again. Hermann not so much asking but declaring that Chuck was going to force him to hurt Newton with the man’s loss and Chuck’s lack of denial. With the images came that turmoil of feelings as well, Hermann’s dread and fear for Newton, the tired anger he felt towards Chuck and the guilt at being angry with the man at all, and the sudden pained realization of just how deeply Chuck’s loss would hurt him as well. That had been the thing that had surprised Hermann the most at that time, how the thought of Chuck Hansen not returning had caused an ache of sadness deep in his core that wasn’t solely based off the knowledge that Newton would be hurt by it. Even with the arguments and jealousy, especially the tension that had arose between them those last few days as Chuck demanded that Hermann tell Newton how he felt, Hermann had grown fond of the young Ranger without fully realizing it.

            When the memory had played out Hermann let his head drop to rest against Newton’s chest, listening to Newton’s unsteady breathes that punctuated the silence between them. One of Newton’s hands gripped the back of his collar tightly whilst the other was tangled in his hair, and they both sat completely still. Hermann felt the whirl of concern start to twist in his gut at how frozen Newton felt in that moment and he breathed a sigh of relief when the man spoke up.

            “You knew he wasn’t going to come back. He didn’t plan to come back.” Newton’s voice was a quiet whisper as his hands fell away from Hermann to push the man back slightly. He looked up at Newton and was slightly taken aback by the anger in the man’s eyes.

            “I do not believe he planned not to return, Newton, simply that Mr. Hansen understood the realities of the situation,” Hermann said with a frown. He hadn’t expected anger and even before the drift Hermann had been able to predict with some accuracy the way which Newton would react to something. “Even with the Kaiju coming into the city there was every chance…we lost so many people, Newton, there was no way of denying the possibility that we would lose even more before the end.”

            “You should have said something.” Newton practically hissed the words at him as he pushed himself up off the bed. “I…if you had said something Hermann! Why couldn’t you have just said something when you called to figure out where I was? Like ‘Hey Newton, Chuck is already aiming to be some big damn hero so don’t say anything stupid that might make him decide that sacrificing him is the way to go’ or ‘Hey Dr. Geiszler, your best friend’s probably gonna die but I’m so damn focused on myself and the mess I’m going to have to deal with if that happens to say anything’.” Newton’s voice had climbed and he was gesturing wildly as he did when he was upset. Hermann could only sit, trying to keep his own anger from reemerging at the accusations that he was to blame.

            “Newton, I do not understand what you think would have changed if I had mentioned-“

            “I wouldn’t have told him about fucking Otachi, okay! I would have known not to open my big stupid fucking mouth and tell him that the Kaiju were coming for me, searching me out. I would have just said ‘No Chuck, no problem here. Didn’t even come near me’ and he wouldn’t have fucking said goodbye and he wouldn’t have blown himself up in that goddamn Jaeger with the fucking Marshall.” The pounding was making itself known again in the back of Hermann’s mind, that drumming beat and painful ache as the headache grew.

            “Newton, even if you had not told Chuck that he would have sacrificed himself anyway if that was what was called for. That fight would have ended no differently-“

            “You don’t know that Hermann!” Hermann was up off the bed, moving to follow Newton as he burst out into the hallway with a growl of frustration. The man’s eyes were filled with tears and Hermann knew the anger he felt was shared between them. Newton rounded back on him, Hermann squaring his shoulders to meet the full force of Newton’s seemingly irrational rage. Herc had appeared from his room down the hall apparently due to hearing their shouting. “If you had said something; anything, Hermann!”

            “Even if I had said something, Newton, there was little likelihood that it would have changed the outcome. The odds were stacked against our success on closing the breach from the very beginning and what Marshall Pentecost and Chuck did leveled out those odds enough for the plan to succeed.”

            “Oh, fuck you, Hermann! You can’t turn people into goddamn fucking statistics,” Newton said, shoving Hermann hard enough that he had to catch the doorframe to keep himself from stumbling back. Newton’s expression softened a little as he suddenly realized what he had done, catching hold of Hermann’s shirt to help balance him again though he let go the moment he knew Hermann was steady.

            “Do you not think that I would change things if I could, Newton?”

            “You know what, Hermann, no I’m not entirely certain you would have,” Newton said spitefully, pushing one last cold spike through Hermann’s chest as his head throbbed with the full force of a migraine. “I can’t…I just can’t deal with you right now.” Newton turned away from him, storming off towards Herc who had that tight jawed and stoic expression on his face. He watched Hermann, not Newt, for some signal that things were all right and Hermann just slammed the door to their room shut before heading towards the elevators. He wanted nothing but solitude but he also didn’t want to sit in their shared space waiting for Newton to return. He heard a door close down the hall and then the muffled shouting started up again tempered by the more patient rumble of Herc’s voice.

            Hermann slipped into the elevator, pushing the button for the lobby before leaning heavily against the wall. He pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes tightly against the light and soft lilting music that the hotel was filtering into the space as he warred with himself. He was furious, angrier than he’d been in months. He was angry with his father despite his supposedly noble intentions, he was angry at Newton for blaming him but that wasn’t the worst of it.

            Hermann felt that desperate need to take his anger out on something, anything. To tear into something and rip it to shred, to hit and kick and scream and allow himself the satisfaction of rendering something limb to limb. These feelings were utterly useless, pointless as the two people he was the most upset with Dr. Hermann Gottlieb and a man who was no longer alive to defend himself. He was furious at Chuck for leaving, for making this moment possible to even begin with. Something fluttered in his peripheral vision and there was a sense of something else in the room, but even this Hermann pushed away in favor of that destructive temper. The headache was now an evasive force splicing it’s from back to front along his medial longitudinal fissure like an electric current. The curtain fluttered in the back of his mind, the one that hid that terrible and fearful thing that haunted his sleep. Something was trying to break in and at the same time Hermann was the thing trying to force his way inside. There was the coppery taste of blood on his lips and a thick substance coating the back of his throat.

            When someone placed a hand on his shoulder Hermann lashed out, pushing the person forcibly back against the wall as his hand found their throat. He heard a protest, someone saying his name in shock before someone else tried to pull him back. He lifted an elbow up and back into this other entities chin, knocking a surprised hotel patron back out of the elevator. The man he had pinned had a hold of his shirt, speaking in a soothing voice like he was trying to calm an aggravated animal as Hermann debated applying force to the other man’s throat to cut off the breath that allowed him to speak.

            “Hermann, my man, I really need you to let go.” Tendo shook his head as he glanced towards the elevator doors, signaling to someone that they needed to stay back as Hermann slowly became aware of where he was. “Hermann, you coming back to me brother?”

            “Mr. Choi?” Hermann spoke feeling confused even as the pounding receded slightly, returning to an ache in the back of his mind. He could still hear the flutter of a curtain somewhere close and Hermann realized it was actually the sound of his pulse in his ears, quick and loud. He felt exposed and frightened, confused as he couldn’t quite make his present location within dimensional space match that inside his mind. It dawned on him slowly what he’d almost done, been ready to do and he pulled away from Tendo with a horrified look.

            “Easy brother, you seem a little…unsteady.” Hermann wasn’t entirely certain if Tendo was talking about mentally or physically though it could have honestly been either at that point in time. Hermann felt rather exhausted suddenly and he was struggling to center himself in the universe in a way that made sense. Tendo at least seemed to relax when he spoke, reaching out to hit one of the buttons on the elevator and the door slid shut on the people standing looking frightened out in the lobby.

            “I…” Hermann took a step back as the elevator shifted into movement and they started on their way back up through the hotel. He flinched when Tendo reached out for him and the LOCCENT officer paused to hold his palms out and open to Hermann in a signal that he wasn’t intended harm.

            “Hermann, I think I need to call you an ambulance.“ Tendo spoke gently, pressing a hand to his cheek and wiping at something on Hermann’s top lip. Hermann was still reeling from the realization that he had intended harm towards Tendo. He hadn’t even realized it was his friend when he’d reacted, he had been lost in some dark and empty space where the ceiling threatened to collapse and the end of the world was hidden behind a single piece of cloth as it beckoned to him. He had force himself to anchor his thoughts in this space, inside a hotel elevator with Tendo looking scared and worried. His processes caught up with what Tendo had said and he felt a mild spike of panic.

            “I assure you that isn’t necessary, Tendo.” His voice came out cracked and weak, something causing his throat to feel coated in viscous liquid. Tendo pulled his hand away and showed Hermann the bright red swatch on his thumb with a skeptical look.  Hermann lifted a hand to his own face, wiping at his nose and finding it bleeding. It explained the taste in his mouth and his hand shook as he patted at his pockets to try and find his handkerchief. Tendo carefully reached towards him again, instinctually knowing which pocket Hermann kept it in and removing it for him. “I-I don’t know what came over me, Mr. Choi, you have my deepest apologies. I sincerely hope I didn’t hurt you. Dear lord, that man in the lobby he’ll press charges-“

            “That man in the lobby was Raleigh, Hermann, he won’t press charges,” Tendo said gently. “I need you to at least tell me what happened, you’re going to lie down once we get up to the room and then you’re going to the hospital.” Hermann shook his head, reaching out and hitting the stop on the elevator which caused the carriage to come to a sudden halt. There was a sense of panic at the mention of the hospital, doctors running tests with results he couldn’t be certain of. Potential insistence that they keep him to monitor his state, strangers knowing what not even he could comprehend about the affects the drift had had on him. “Hermann.”

            “I am perfectly fine, Tendo.” There was no conviction in his voice but he looked at Tendo in a pleading manner. He wasn’t certain why he was so afraid, he understood that seeing a doctor would be the best course of action to ensure that he wasn’t, in fact, bleeding from the brain.

            “I don’t consider this to be fine,” Tendo said, motioning towards him as Hermann stood with his handkerchief to his nose where it was quickly becoming saturated with blood. Hermann felt the need to sit, backing up to the wall of the elevator near the door and carefully lowering himself in place under the careful scrutiny of his friend. “You need to be checked out, Hermann, whatever that was-“

            “If a New York hospital has one of the celebrated saviors of the world come in to get tests run to check his mental state, much less one of the two people who drifted with the Kaiju hive mind, there will be no containing it. I will not allow that as it will put both myself and, more importantly, Dr. Geiszler, under even heavier scrutiny than we already find ourselves.” Tendo stared at him for a long moment before cursing under his breath. He reached to reset the brake on the elevator so that it would start on its upward journey once more, dinging softly with each floor as that music continued to play.

            “We can’t ignore this Hermann.”

            “I’m not suggesting we do but that perhaps we should take the cautious approach of monitoring my…condition,” Hermann said feeling desperate and tired. He wanted to curl up tightly in a ball, to do anything but continue to sit there with the knowledge that he’d just lost himself in some nonexistent space and attacked his best friend. Something in how he looked must have worried Tendo as the man crotched down in front of him, hands resting on Hermann’s shoulders.

            “I don’t like this, Hermann, we need to talk with the Marshall-“

            “I…” Hermann sighed, pulling the cloth away from his nose to find that the bleeding had subsided. Knowing that he would now not soil the other man’s shirt Hermann allowed himself to slump against Tendo, the man’s arms slipping around him in support. “I promise we will talk with the Marshall, for now though…I need some time. Somewhere quiet to sit.” Tendo wanted to say no and he understood that the proper course of action was to do just as the man had suggested. He couldn’t allow it though, not with this uneasy instinct that it would lead to an unfavorable outcome. Perhaps it was some echo of Newton’s own belief in conspiracy theories or government agencies forcing tests on unsuspecting persons but he couldn’t allow it. Hermann made the choice for them then, reaching out to push the button for the next floor with his cane.

            “Hermann.” Tendo protested when Hermann separated from him, clamoring to his feet in an unsteady manner as the elevator came to a stop. The moment the doors opened Hermann stepped out into the hall even as Tendo tried to catch hold of him. Hermann realized how deeply he must have frightened the man when he snatched his arm away and Tendo nearly stumbled back as though expecting to be struck. It caused a hard ache of regret in his chest and Hermann pushed out into the hallway, relieved when he found that it was empty. “Hermann.”

             Tendo was following him, keeping pace but no longer actively trying to stop him. Hermann wasn’t certain what floor they were on but as with all hotels the hallways looked the same so he found it easy to navigate. He found the door to the stairs, pushing it open and not waiting before he began making his careful way down them. Tendo did catch up with him then, trying to get him to slow down before he could stumble and hurt himself. He needed distance, distance in his mind from that place he’d slipped away to and distance from those moments in the elevator where closing his hand around Tendo’s throat had seemed so appealing.

            Hermann came to an abrupt stop on one of the landings, staring at the sign beside the door in contemplation before pushing through it. This hallway was different and had an odd odor about it that spoke of moisture and chlorine. Tendo hooked an arm through Hermann’s, not to inhibit his movement but to help support him though the man looked strained and uncertain about their direction.

            The pool was empty, a small miracle even with evening setting in and most people being out for dinner. Hermann came up short a few feet from the edge, Tendo breathing a palpable sigh of relief that he’d actually stopped. They stood there for a few seconds before the man let Hermann go, moving to kick off his shoes and roll up his pant legs. Hermann watched Tendo with a soft frown, still trying to decide why he had come here of all places for them to be alone. It had seemed like a serene spot, quiet and isolated with the sound of the still water like a stirring of air. Tendo finished rolling his pant legs up before looking at Hermann expectantly, motioning towards the water itself.

            “You wanted a quiet place to sit, brother.” Hermann nodded as Tendo’s voice echoed around them, a drop of water falling from somewhere to cause ripples on the water’s surface sending a small ricochet of sound around them. Tendo stood near him, offering a supportive arm as Hermann slipped out of his own shoes and neatly rolled his pant legs up though he was certain they’d end up soaked by the pool water despite the precaution. They sat then at the edge of the small pool beneath the glass ceiling that showed the dimming sky above and below in the reflective surface of the water. Though his nose had indeed stopped bleeding Hermann could still taste the sour flavor of blood as it lingered in the back of his throat.

            “I have convinced my father to send copies of the tests that Dr. Geiszler and myself have been subjected to these last few months so that we may see the results ourselves,” Hermann said quietly after a long time staring out at the water. “It is my understand that Newton’s results are more troubling than myself, however…”

            “That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t get you checked out now. This could be something new.” Hermann ran a hand over his face as Tendo spoke, too tired to feel irritated.

            “I understand that. I was simply saying that knowing what damage there was will be beneficial,” he said quietly. It felt a shame to break the silence of the place but he understood Tendo’s desire to discuss what had happened and Hermann owed him that. He felt another sick twist in his gut as he thought about that uncontrolled anger and the pain that had shot through his mind like an electric spark, stabbing and quick before it faded into that empty lab that was familiar and strange all at once.

            “You understand that you have people around you that will help you understand what’s happening, Hermann, right? I’ve seen how the drift can mess with people, Raleigh, Mako and Herc have experienced it firsthand. It’s not just you and Newton.” Tendo linked their arms together again though Hermann wasn’t entirely certain if it was simply a show of support or concern that Hermann might tip forward into that wavering sky their feet were dipped into. “Tell me what happened, brother.”

            “Newton was upset and he wished to see what my final memory of Mr. Hansen was,” Hermann said, contemplating the darkening surface and finding that he could understand how falling into that heavy and encompassing space could be peaceful, how Newton lost himself in that ocean within his mind so easily if it was as quiet and still as the pool’s surface. “I was hesitant to show him…”

            “But you did,” Tendo finished for him, leaning against Hermann’s side and he was certain now that Tendo was keeping hold of him to ensure that Hermann went nowhere. “I told you that you had to be careful, you can get lost in that shit too easily-“

            “It wasn’t our use of the drift that caused the problem, Tendo, it was Newton’s reaction. Or at least, I think it was…” Hermann wasn’t certain, couldn’t be certain but there seemed to have been too much time lapsed. “He blames me…I understood that Chuck would choose to die than risk not closing the breach. Newton blames me because he feels as though I should have said something. And, perhaps I should have…”

            “Oh Hermann,” Tendo said with a soft frown, eyes studying Hermann before they both startled as the lights suddenly kicked on automatically dashing the illusion that they were sitting at the edge of the sky. “That’s not your responsibility and he shouldn’t have placed that on you even if he was upset. You understand that you’re not responsible.”

            _I’d like you to know it’s entirely your fault._

            “He feels if I had said something than he could have changed his last conversation with Chuck that things might have ended differently because of it. He was really blaming himself and I think that angered me more than anything…” Tendo nudged him carefully and Hermann realized for the first time that Tendo carried the slight scent of alcohol. They’d talk here and there during moments they’d had alone, but Hermann hadn’t been there for Tendo as much as he should have. And now he was placing more on the man’s shoulders after everything that had already happened that day, and he had a sudden flash of Tendo yelling at the man with the clipboard who Hermann was now suddenly certain had no control over the recording that had been played. “I’m sorry, Mr. Choi, I…”

            “We all could have done this differently, Hermann. Hell, I’ve thought of an entire list of things I could have done that might have changed things over the last few months. Can’t change the past though, my brother, can’t bring them back. Not Chuck, Stacker, Yancy…none of them. The best we can do is try to keep moving forward…” Tendo sounded deflated as he spoke, shaking his head slowly until the movement seemed to make him feel a little ill.

            “I feel as though each step forward is equaled by another which pushes us back. Newton improves but then something happens like today…he is doing better,” Hermann said with some resolve.

            “And you? Have you really dealt with any of this, Hermann?” This stopped him for a moment as he sat trying to think, staring down at their feet in the water. That remaining headache that was settled near that back of his skull was weaning slowly out of his mind leaving him feel hazy and tired. The anger hadn’t reared back up inside of him and he preferred this blurred sort of depression over that rage which had taken hold of him and shaken him to the core.

            “I have not given myself time to contemplate how I am. I could not even tell you for certain if my anger today was unusual or if it just reached a new height. You know about the nightmares…I believe they are getting worse but I still do not remember them. All I know is there is something terrible lurking within them. I’m in the lab and there’s something that will end the world in that place…” Hermann’s voice felt a little flat as he trailed off and tried to focus on those tenuous strings of memory. It was like when he dreamed though, the memories of that dark place fading quickly away once he’d been pulled out of them. Still, he remembered the lab with its jars of bits and pieces hovering in a yellow glow, the fluttering curtain… Hermann jumped when he felt Tendo smack his cheek and turned to focus a glower on the man who looked a little panicked.

            “Sorry…you were getting a little…” Tendo seemed uncertain how to phrase just how Hermann had gotten.

            “Like Newton.”

            “Yeah actually.” Hermann hadn’t much thought about his own state of being since the closure of the breach. He’d put all his focus on Newton, on the delicate and fragile state the man had fallen into. Newton had tried to return to normal but it was clear that he was altered by loss and the drift. For Hermann it was quite the opposite, he’d been able to pass it off as though nothing had truly changed but inside he was starting to wonder if his own state was shifting in unknown ways.

            “The elevator, Hermann, I need you to tell me. Was that what was happening when the doors opened? You were completely out of it until I touched you; you need to tell me exactly what happened inside the elevator.” Tendo was watching Hermann with an intensity that felt almost unsettling as though the man expected him to keel over at any moment, though Hermann wasn’t entirely certain he wouldn’t. There were a lot of concerns when one suffered blinding pain as he’d felt, and it combined with the loss of self and reality could mean a number of troubling conditions.

            “I was furious…at myself and at Chuck for causing Newton this distress. I felt a need to take it out on something. The pain of it pounded in the back of my mind and then it felt as though things split and fell away. I was too many things at once and they were all frightened and angry and wanting to tear something asunder. I believe that terrible thing from my dreams was lurking beneath the surface of it all. I…” Hermann sighed, frowning as he tried to make sense of what he’d felt and seen.

            “That doesn’t sound like something you ignore, Hermann. Even the best pilots have suffered a mental disassociation due to the drift and they’re usually drifting with a compatible partner. If it had just been you and Newton that would be one thing, but with the Kaiju involved….You need to take care of yourself too, Hermann, for your own sake and for his. For mine too, brother.” Tendo leaned, placing a kiss to the corner of Hermann’s downturned mouth.

            “Mr. Choi.”

            “Oh shut up, Hermann,” Tendo said as he slipped his arm around Hermann’s back and resting his head against the side of Hermann’s as they both stared out over the pool. “I worry about you. We all worry about you, both of you. Whether it was solely triggered by emotion or if the fact that you perhaps chased your own memory too far with the distress of the moment, I’m not sure. It could happen again or this may be the last occurrence of it, we won’t know for certain.”

            “If I have another, ah, episode like in the elevator-“

            “I’m going to advise you against finishing that comment if it’s what I think it is, Hermann.” Hermann fell silent, secretly glad he didn’t have to complete what he was going to say. He didn’t want to contemplate a situation where he truly did hurt someone, where he didn’t snap out of whatever state he’d fallen into in time. Still, asking the other to do whatever must be done felt unsettlingly like he was admitting a complete loss of control. “You know it would have been you, right?”

            “I beg your pardon?” Hermann asked; thoughts once more interrupted by Tendo’s apparently random comment. The man was leaning heavily against him now, their cheeks close. Being this near to him the scent of alcohol was a bit stronger and Hermann slipped an arm around Tendo now in support wondering how much the man had managed to drink in the short amount of time they’d been back at the hotel.

            “If I hadn’t found Allison it would have been you though you’re still on our list of people we’d invite into our relationship if you were willing.” Tendo sat up to give him a pointed look that seemed more sober than Hermann expected from such a statement. It wasn’t exactly the first time Tendo had made some comment that was along those sentiments but never quite so directly. “I just…you’re a good guy, Hermann, and you’re important to a lot of people. We need to know you’re going to be ok too.” Tendo tugged at his bowtie which had gone rather askew after their confrontation in the elevator. He undid it, leaving the ends hanging down from his neck. The man’s hair had suffered as well, a few strands falling out of place and Hermann reached over to push one back.

            “I promise to make more of an effort to monitor my own health, Mr. Choi.”

            “I’ll hold you to that, brother.” Hermann sighed, shifting to lie back as he felt drained. He felt bone weary, a state he felt as though he experienced even more now than he had during the last several years. There had been times during the wars that he’d thought for sure he’d never been so tired, but that moment rivaled even those times. He stared up through the ceiling at the hazy dark sky, stars barely managing to peek out in the light pollution of the city.

            Hermann missed the open and star scattered skies of his youth when his mother would take them out star gazing away from city lights and noise. He hadn’t had a star lit sky since before the breach appeared, since his mother had passed months before the first Kaiju hit land.

            “Do you two really have a list, Tendo?” Tendo chuckled at the question.

            “Yeah, we do. You and Newt are both on it whether together or separate, Herc, this friend of Allison’s back in Alaska, the Kaidonovsky’s were on it too. They might have been up for it.” Tendo spoke in that dreamy sort of tone he slipped into sometimes when he’d had just enough to drink and was discussing personal affairs. There was a buzzing somewhere to his right and he looked at Tendo who shifted to pull his phone from his back pocket before lying down beside him and unlocking the screen to read a message.

            “Hermann?”

            “Yes, Tendo.”

            “Do you mind if I tell the others where we are? I think everyone else is a little worried you’ve killed me.” Tendo attempted to put some humor in his voice but it didn’t help the dread in Hermann’s chest. Could he have gone so far in that moment where he had felt so disconnected from himself and his surroundings? Tendo turned his head to look at him when Hermann didn’t respond and then rolled so he was lying on his side next to him. “Hermann, you wouldn’t have done it.”

            “How can you be so certain? Perhaps you are correct and it would be the better course of action to have me placed somewhere which I cannot hurt someone if another episode like that occurs.”

            “I suggested taking you to the hospital to make sure you weren’t suffering from an aneurism, Hermann, not having you committed somewhere. We’ll find somewhere discreet to get that ridiculous head of yours checked and things will be fine,” Tendo said with a disapproving frown. When Hermann didn’t appear convinced Tendo continued. “Look, you’re not going to hurt anyone-“

            “I did though.”

            “No, you didn’t. You didn’t _hurt_ me, brother. You might have terrified me, just a little, but you didn’t hurt me. At most you gave Raleigh a sore jaw but you didn’t even realize that was him.”

            “I didn’t realize you were you either, Mr. Choi.” Hermann stared past Tendo for a while as the man seemed to contemplate this.

            “If you didn’t recognize me in the moment, Hermann, and yet you still held back and avoided actually causing me harm isn’t that more proof that you’re unlikely to seriously injure someone, brother. I’m going to tell the others where we are before they panic, we’re going to talk to Herc about our options but we’re getting you checked out.” Tendo didn’t wait for him to respond as he sat up, typing out a message on his phone and sending it off into space where it would travel along radio waves bouncing off of cell towers to reach its destination. “If you don’t take into account all this mess how are you two doing?”

            “Hm? Newton and I?”

            “Yeah.” Tendo kicked his legs in the water causing small waves that Hermann could feel lapping against his calves. He contemplated those moments with Newton when it didn’t feel like the world, the past and the drift were coming between them. Those moments had been short and sweet seconds between interviews and nights of falling asleep beside each other. Their dance at the gala tucked back away from the crowd and the sound of a piano in a dark room as Hermann failed to do their song justice. Intimate and rushed moments of pleasure and harsh breathes, words of praise and the touch of skin. If they could disappear into those moments the world would be a sweet thing, never cruel or unkind.

            “I wish things were as simple as those moments between the chaos.” Tendo leaned back on his hands, looking up towards the completely darkened sky with him as he made a contemplative noise.

            “I get what you mean, my man. I thought when this was all done I’d get to spend my days with Allison, I’d get to watch Mac grow…but here I am half a world away and barely any time to speak with them. I got those few months before I was pulled away again in this mess. The universe is built on chaos though, you learn to make some order out of the disorder or you fall into chaos yourself.” They sat in the silence listening to water drops and watching those few, long dead stars that still punctuated the haze of the city lights.

 

            Herc had followed him into the room, closing the door behind them both and looking at him expectantly. Newton could already feel those invading and creeping thoughts of guilt intruding in on him and he clung to his anger instead. He hadn’t felt this angry in a long time, hadn’t felt that burn of rage in his chest and the sparks of temper within his mind. The closest he’d come had been with that dick Clark Kent wannabe back in San Francisco. This echoed of that indignation but it was fueled with a self-loathing he’d not really dealt with over the last few months.

            A thought about the stages of grief fluttered through is mind as he tried to recall which step was anger. Had he even properly traveled through those other steps or was this another moment that could be described as tunneling? Had he cut through all the other bullshit because this was easier than that deep and dark place he’d felt trapped in prior? He realized then that anger was only the second step. He could at best claim he was in bargaining, but that would mean he was moving backwards, right? Cause there’d been plenty of depression already and he had an angry stage once before, god, fuck the steps.

            Herc was waiting for him to talk and for a second Newton could almost convince himself that the man was Chuck standing there using that silence tactic he’d loved so much on him. He always came to Herc when he found that he couldn’t handle things with Hermann, and that was another trigger for his guilt. The man reminded him so much of Chuck, but he _wasn’t_ Chuck and he shouldn’t expect him to be.

            “He knew, Herc, he knew that Chuck thought he wouldn’t come back and he didn’t fucking say anything.” He spoke louder than he shoulder have, practically yelling but Herc hardly reacted.

            “We all knew that, mate. Doesn’t mean we had any control over it.” Herc spoke in steady and calm tones and Newton wondered how he did it. How was he so in control of himself when Chuck had been his son? And then he remembered the moments out in the parking garage, Herc’s tears that had seemed to out of place as they’d sat so he could play out his grief; the moments of trying to be strong for the man so he felt safe to be that grieving father instead of the stoic Marshall, the soldier who understood loss and accepted it.

            “But…if he had just…if he had said something then maybe…” Herc’s expression had softened as he shook his head. Newton tried so desperately to cling to his anger because he didn’t want to know what was underneath it, didn’t want that emptiness or depression to come back because this felt more alive. He was unnerved by the stir of emotions he felt that he knew weren’t his own but Hermann’s, troubled by the rage and a deep seated sense of self-disgust. He had caused that and he couldn’t face it just then and Herc was looking at him oddly.

            “We can fixate on the things we can’t change, Newt. Are you feeling all right, mate?” No, no Newt wasn’t feeling all right, there was something building that had gripped his heart in his chest and was causing a buzzing in the back of his mind. It took him a few seconds as tried to push that sense away in favor of his own anger to realize that it was coming from Hermann. It was then that the numbed echoes of pain and rage and something altogether intangible cut through his mind as it projected out from Hermann in an uncontrolled burst. There was something terrible in that nothing space, the end of the world hidden away behind the flap of a sheet and a lurking presence trying to tear into the space from above; a muddled mess of memory and agony and a burst of defensive rage and desire to just _hurt._ He thought he heard a whisper of a voice that was his but wasn’t, electronic and tinny in tone.

Newton wasn’t in the room with Herc but at the same time he was, he existed in that elevator but without and somewhere within a lab that felt too deep and damp and full of dust all at once. When things seemed to recede, a sense of shock and confusion mixing with fear before his connection to Hermann seemed to snap shut with cognitive realization and there was nothing. Nothing but the quiet room where Herc was kneeling beside him trying to get Newton to talk to him, to tell him what was wrong and saying he was calling an ambulance. Newton had tried to protest, failing the first time to get the words out of his throat before he managed to croak them out.

            “Newt, I need you to tell me what’s going on.” Herc seemed torn between leaving Newton’s side to grab his phone and keeping hold of the man to make sure he stayed steady.

            “It’s Hermann, something’s wrong with Hermann. Oh God…” Herc had paused, eying him with uncertainty before taking hold of Newton’s tie and using it to wipe at his face. There was a smear on the dark fabric and Newton realized it was blood, his nose was bleeding and there was a hum still in the back of his mind that just felt wrong. It was like Hermann was there but wasn’t, like Newton had snapped out of that strange in between place but Hermann was still there. “Herc, we need to find him, it was him, something was wrong I…” Newton’s chest felt tight with panic, stumbling as he tried to stand even as his breathes came short and quick. He wasn’t sure what that was but it had been painful and terrifying, it had projected out so strongly from the epicenter of Hermann’s mind that it left Newton feeling as though he’d been detached from himself. He was crashing back into place though, mental waves of thought tumbling to fill the space left by the intrusion of that sense of other.

            “It’s okay, mate, just calm down. We’ll find Dr. Gottlieb,” he said reassuringly, helping Newton to his feet carefully.

            “We have to find him,” Newton said, clinging to Herc while at the same time pushing him away, trying to will him to move because the man didn’t understand. He couldn’t grasp that empty space that left Newton grasping for any sign of Hermann’s signature.

            “We will.”

            “I can’t lose him too, Herc. Oh God what if something was wrong, what if he wasn’t telling me. He’d do that. He’s an asshole like that, he’d keep all quiet thinking it was protecting me but oh God I think I’m gonna be sick…” Herc moved quickly to grab the trash can, getting it to him just before his stomach twisted. Herc stood close but impatient while Newton retched, losing what little had been inside his system. “We have to find him…” Newton spoke weakly when he felt as though it was safe for him to do so again.

            “We will, Geiszler, and then we’re getting you both checked out.” Newton felt the desire to protest against this, wanted to argue that taking them somewhere that would leak the news of something being wrong with Hermann the moment they’d left was a bad plan. Herc had that look on his face though, stern and in command and not open for argument. Fighting about it right then was only going to make it take longer for them to find Hermann. “Come on, we’ll check the room first but we’ll head downstairs if he isn’t there.” Newton nodded numbly, following Herc as the man took the lead out into the hallway. They were stepping out of the room the same time as Mako and Raleigh had stepped out of the elevator doors. Mako had that silent intensity which meant she was upset about something and her stance was mirrored by Raleigh as they spotted the two of them.

            “Have Dr. Gottlieb and Mr. Choi been here?” Mako asked urgently.

            “Not that we’ve seen. We were just about the check in the doctors’ room, what happened?” Herc said, taking control of the situation as Newton scrambled to keep up with his longer strides down the hall despite how off balanced the world felt. He wanted to ask Herc to slow down but at the same time he wanted them to hurry. There was something wrong and he had to know that Hermann was ok. Once he knew that he’d go back to being mad at him for all the wrong reasons, but right then he just needed to know he was ok.

            “There was a small commotion by the elevator in the lobby. We were with Tendo and went to see what was going on. Hermann was inside the elevator; he was having an episode like Dr. Geiszler gets where he was just standing there and staring. Tendo approached him and when he did Dr. Gottlieb just snapped, pinned him to the wall and got me on the chin when I tried to pull him back. He came to but seemed confused like he didn’t know where he was. Tendo made the choice to close the elevator, signaling for us to stay outside. We assumed they were coming back up here, sir.” Raleigh laid things out in short and quick succession and Newton noticed how they were all slipping into their roles. Herc was Marshall Hansen now, Raleigh and Mako were his Rangers, and Newt? All Newton could be was himself, a brilliant, damaged and mildly deranged biologist who had no idea how to approach the situation where his mentally linked partner may have just permanently snapped.

            _You figured out how to drift with the Kaiju hive mind?_

_Yeah, so?_

_Dr. Geiszler, as you enjoy reminding the people around you on a semi-regular basis, you have six doctorate degrees. One of those degrees is based in the neurosciences. Perhaps you should contemplate using it?_

            _Oh…_

            “I’ll try getting a hold of Tendo. There may be no reason to worry,” Herc said though his words were clipped and short as he dialed. It was clear by the tension in his jaw that there was no answer on the other end and he left a quick message telling the LOCCENT officer to call him back immediately. Newton fidgeted, chewing at his bottom lip as he tried to pull his thoughts out of the panicked pile they’d fallen into so he could focus. Hermann had worked more intimately with the creation of the Jaeger program, but that’d all been coding, not so much the intricate neural work. And, until he saw Hermann he couldn’t really be certain of what had happened to him other than the fact that it hurt if his own pain was any indication and it had disoriented him. Even then most diagnoses would need tests to really be certain and trying to theorize only made Newton think of stroke, seizure, aneurysm and numerous other things that could mean death.

            _You know what brain, I wish you’d shut up sometimes._ He didn’t get a response to that one, and Herc was now laying out a plan for how to search the floors between here and the lobby. He tried to narrow down his focus to this, to actually finding Hermann because he was certain that strange static in the back of his mind was a sign the man was still living. The space in his mind that Hermann filled out be dead and dark if Hermann was gone like that of the hive mind, a stirring of memories that had a gravitational pull but led nowhere fast. Right then it was the buzz of static though with the random pops of sound that were echoes of some emotion or pain. It was like Hermann’s transmitter was off, slightly out of sync or out of range, the signal too weak to reach him like it typically did.

            Herc wanted them to split up, two taking the stairwell down to clear out the even floors while the other two took the elevator down through the odd floors. If they reached the bottom first they’d start back up to help cover the floors that remained. They had made it down only a few floors, searching the halls and those spaces that were accessible by everyone, when Herc’s phone dinged at him.

            “It’s Tendo. They’re down by the pool, he says they’re both ok.” Herc didn’t glance up from his phone as he spoke; clearly already knowing that Newton was watching him with an intensity that Newton found rarely manageable. He felt some relief as Herc responded, frowning down as his phone as they neared the elevators once more. Hermann was ok, Tendo was ok too which was important also, but Hermann was ok. What did ok mean though? Alive, Newton assumed it had to mean alive, but there was a lot of things that ok didn’t answer. There was always the chance that ‘ok’ meant alive but still injured in some horrifying way. He followed Herc into the elevator, running on autopilot and trying to focus on that static buzz as though some voice might come through the white noise like some ethereal being speaking to him from the other side. God, no, that didn’t work, Hermann wasn’t ‘on the other side’, Hermann was on the poolside. Why the fuck were they at the pool? Newton hadn’t even realized there _was_ a pool. “Mate?”

            “Hm?”

            “Need you to stay with me,” Herc said, hand coming to rest on the back of Newton’s neck reassuringly.

            “I’m here, don’t worry…I’m here, I’m just terrified.” Newton gave a little laugh and Herc gave his neck a gentle squeeze which released a shiver of nerve endings trapped in tense muscle. Newton needed to have a massage after all this was done, he was a bundled up ball of tension, had been even before his mind had suddenly experienced the starburst of Hermann’s pain.

            “It will be fine, Newt, it might not be anything serious at all,” Herc said, though he sounded far from convinced. Herc wasn’t someone to sugar coat things which really meant he didn’t believe what he was saying for a second, either that or Newton looked like he would fall apart at the smallest provocation. “We’ll get you both checked out; make sure things are running all right in those heads of yours and it will be just fine.”

            “But what if they want to keep him? What if they want to keep both of us? What about if there’s something actually wrong? The drift might have fucked us up, shit it did fuck us up. Maybe it’s just finally showing how badly it’s affected him or maybe it’s the hive mind. Maybe fucking Clark Kent was right and it’s some connection to the hive mind and they just hotwired Hermann’s brain and-“

            “Dr. Geiszler.” Herc interrupted his spree of word vomit, speaking a loud and steady voice that wasn’t really a yell but definitely more projection than was needed in the confines of the elevator. Newton stilled mid-hand gesture as he looked up at Herc, the man giving him a frown before just shaking his head. Right, freaking out wasn’t going to help the situation. Hermann was probably freaking out enough for the both of them right at the moment anyway; the man would probably find somehow to make the whole thing Newton’s fault, blame him for filling his brain with something that wasn’t just his precious maths.

            It was his fault. He knew that and he hated it, but Hermann hadn’t seemed like things were bad for him. Yeah, the nightmares were obviously pretty terrifying but they were bad dreams. They weren’t nearly crippling pain, loss of memory and lashing out violently. The elevator doors opened and he rushed out, ignoring Herc calling his name again though the Marshall made no move to stop him as Newton moved through the damp scented hallway towards the pool entrance. The chlorine was evident in the air even out here and with it came something else that eased Newton’s mind and made him more eager to find Hermann. He could feel the man’s imprint in his head again as it solidified out of the static as though the closer proximity had allowed that signal clear access. That might have been it after all because the first thing Newton could tell was that Hermann felt tired.

            It was a heavy fatigue that seemed to weight around the edges of the mind, that feeling you got when a migraine is still lurking beneath the hazy dullness of painkillers taking hold. With it he could also begin to sense Hermann’s fear. It was just there beneath the surface, the fretting and worrying about the ‘what if’s’ of the situation that Newton himself had been going through. The fear was like having an ice pack in his chest in place of a heart. He rounded the corner, able to hear the echo of Hermann’s voice talking quietly inside the large room.

            “You are more inebriated than I originally surmised, Tendo,” Hermann said in a disapproving lilt. “How in such a short frame of time did you manage to get drunk?”

            “Well, for those of us of a normal disposition towards alcohol, all you really have to do is drink a lot of shots very quickly. And, I probably seemed deceptively sober before because some asshole had just scared the life out of me in the elevator.” Tendo spoke in a joking tone as Newton saw both men come into view as he moved a little further into the space. They were both lying on the pool deck on their backs, feet dipped into the pool water while they stared up at the ceiling where the sky was obvious. The room was lit by lights lower on the wall so that they faded away leaving the dark sky above. Lights had kicked on below the pool water as well causing it to glow blue and throw patterns about. It felt oddly like being in the sea and Newton slowed his steps, walking quietly almost in an attempt not to disturb that quiet calm.

            “I wish you wouldn’t joke about it, Mr. Choi,” Hermann said with a heavy sigh, hand rising to rub at his eyes.

            “I need to joke about it, Hermann, haven’t you ever heard of grave’s humor? Didn’t you K-science people ever make jokes when shit just got too real?” Tendo must have caught a flicker of his movement out of the corner of his eye as the man turned his head and spotted him. Newton froze in that second, trying to push down everything he was feeling so that it wasn’t an overwhelming frenzy. “You have company, Hermann.”

            “Hm?” Hermann tilted his head to look at him and then started to sit up quickly. He seemed to overdo the movement and Tendo panicked slightly as he reached out to grab hold of the back of Hermann’s shirt to steady him so he wouldn’t go tipping into the water. Newton felt a twist in his chest as Hermann pressed a hand to his head and he could feel that spin.

            “Here I thought you might be dead and you’re sitting with your feet in the fucking pool,” Newton said, words too flat to actually be angry but too bitter to be a joke. Tendo seemed to hesitate, still holding onto Hermann’s shirt before sitting up fully himself as he pulled his feet out of the water. Newton watched Hermann scoot himself away from the edge of the pool as well, making to stand up and Tendo kept him down with a hand on his shoulder. He tried to play off the act of keeping Hermann seated as though he was simply using the man to help stand himself.

            “Newton…”

            “Hey Newt, you know, right now might not be the best time to start up fighting again.”

            “Tendo, perhaps you should go speak with the Marshall about starting to contact some potential doctors,” Hermann said as he seemed to decide that staying put was going to have to be perfectly okay. Newton could still feel that bone deep fatigue but the worry was over powering it some now that he’d made his presence known. Tendo looked torn for a moment about whether he should do as Hermann said, eyeing Newton as though debating if he posed a threat to his friend. “Tendo, please, it would be best if we find a place sooner rather than later.”

            “Yeah, of course, you’re right my man.” Tendo said as he glanced down at Hermann before he stepped around Newton to join Herc by the door. He was certain that Mako and Raleigh were probably back there too and he huffed as he realized they weren’t going to get any actual privacy. Newton kneeled down to join Hermann on the pool deck, trying to contain himself but failing as he pulled the man into a tight hug. Hermann seemed surprised by this but returned the embrace, leaning into it tiredly.

            “What the hell was that Hermann? Like, really, what the fuck was that because it was painful and terrifying. You scared the shit out of me, what the fuck happened? Are you ok? Raleigh said you didn’t seem to know where you were, you know where you are right? You know who I am, right? Shit, of course you do, you said my name like five seconds ago. Still, you’re ok though, right? Why aren’t you answering me?”

            “You have yet to give me the opportunity to answer you, Dr. Geiszler,” Hermann said with just a hint of that familiar frustration coming through in his tone. “What do you mean that painful? You felt that?”

            “How do you think I knew something was wrong? It felt like something went off in my head and I knew it was you. I can always tell when it’s you, there’s always the ache in my hip and it all just exploded in my head like you were screaming it all.”

            “I do not know what happened though Tendo seems to believe it might have been a moment of severe disassociation triggered by the high emotional state brought on by our previous conversation. I…I have agreed that it may be best to have some tests done, however, to rule out the chance of it being something more…threatening to my permanent health. I seem to be fine just now though aside from some fatigue and unsteadiness.” Hermann seemed to be choosing his words carefully but there was no sign that he was hiding anything. Newton pulled back to search Hermann’s face though despite this but could find nothing but the man’s own honest concern.

            “I want to know who you’re getting checked out by, I want to be part of every step and I’ll make Herc threaten harm if they even think about telling anyone,” Newton said earnestly and feeling a hint of warmth thaw some of that bitter cold fear when Hermann gave him a tired smile. He kissed the man’s cheek and then proceeded to pepper several more kisses on his face because he was there. The familiar tug of Hermann’s thoughts were fading back into place in his mind to eliminate that last lingering bit of static that Newton had been afraid meant he’d lost Hermann for good.

            “Newton,” Hermann said it disapprovingly though there was a fondness in his voice as he let his head fall to Newton’s shoulder once more and putting an end to the barrage of kisses. They sat for a few moments, Newton glancing over at the others to see that Herc and Tendo were both making phone calls. “I am sorry I didn’t say anything.”

            “Don’t,” Newton huffed the word out, squeezing Hermann tight. “I…I can’t say I’m not still mad but it’s not your fault what happened. I think I’m just…you know me, I’m a mess.”

            “It would seem I might be a mess as well, Dr. Geiszler.”

            “You’re a beautiful mess.”

            “And you’re an idiot.” Newton kissed Hermann’s shoulder, watching their little group as they stood off to the side trying to find a suitable place to go. He held onto Hermann a little tighter then, that worry about who’d they find on such short notice and what they might find. Whatever it was he’d take care of Hermann just like Hermann had been taking care of him.

 

            They ended up going to a neurologist that was associated with the University of Columbia. Newton had spent the first several minutes quizzing her on her credentials, making comments about the different ways Herc could be terrifying if crossed including a possible exaggeration about his criminal connections. He was pretty certain the closest thing Herc had to criminal connections was his brother who was just kind of a loser with a drug habit since he’d been kicked out of the PPDC.

            “I can assure you Dr. Geiszler that I’m very qualified to examine Dr. Gottlieb and yourself. Again, you can see that my doctorate is in plain sight and legitimate. We have excellent equipment here as well and have always ensured our patient’s privacy. I’d like to speak with you both about your symptoms now if you don’t mind. As you very well know, the longer we take the more serious a situation we could find ourselves in if there is any sign of a bleed or aneurysm.” Dr. Harper spoke patient and calmly, warms crossed over her chest as Newton huffed softly and glanced towards Hermann who had been relatively quiet since they’d left the poolside. Between Tendo and Herc they’d managed to track down the neurologist who had actually once served with the PPDC during some of the early years. Herc was the only one to come with them, the other’s staying behind at the hotel though Tendo hadn’t been happy about that.

            He’d had words with Herc off to the side, Newton watching the two of them impatiently as they spoke in low urgent voices to each other as they argued that died off in a tense hush as they reached an impasse. Newton overheard Herc ask the LOCCENT officer if he was sure he hadn’t been hurt and Tendo had affectionately bumped against Herc as he responded that he was fine. That was typical drunk Tendo behavior and sure enough Herc seemed to slip an arm around the man for just a moment to steady him on his feet when Tendo didn’t manage to right himself. It hadn’t taken as long as he’d thought it would to locate a doctor.

            “Fine, okay, yeah…” Herc stayed back while she led them through to an exam room. She asked Hermann what had happened first and Newton heard his first full account of what had occurred. It wasn’t comforting, if anything hearing Hermann tell the details of that episode made his inside twist with worry and fear. This was hard, the sharing of these anxious emotions because he could feel the tension of Hermann’s own concern and the man took his hand unconsciously. Newton wasn’t entirely certain if it was Hermann seeking support or offering it, but he gripped the man’s hand either way.

            When Hermann had gone through his explanation Dr. Harper had Newton go through his own experience, Hermann looking strained the entire time. She told them what tests she wanted to run: EEG’s, CT scans, blood counts, things all within typical line up of tests. They were there for a few hours while she and a couple of techs ran the tests and looked over the results. She didn’t want either of them to leave until she’d ruled out anything that needed immediate attention. Herc did want to be present for hearing the results which Dr. Harper was about to veto until Newton and Hermann both agreed they were ok with it. Hermann had been more hesitant than Newton on this point but he’d agreed all the same.

            “Your CT’s both came up clean for any bleeding or aneurysm. That’s the good news. From what you both said, however, there’re some lingering concerns from your drift. It’s my understanding, Dr. Geiszler, that you’ve experienced some of these moments of potential disassociation yourself though without the pain or feelings of anger which Dr. Gottlieb experienced?” Newton nodded numbly. She’s said that was the good news which meant there was bad news. That was all he could focus on just then, the fact that there was bad news. Hermann was quiet but he could feel the tension and see it in how the man had his shoulder’s set.

            “Your drifts were very traumatic due to the nature of what you drifted with. When we use to have the issue of coming across incompatible drift partners there was often some backlash from that incompatibility. You both experienced seizures during the drift which is worrying. Your current EEG’s are slightly abnormal though I can’t speak on if this is something that’s been occurring since the drift or if it is due to this recent episode. I do think that there might be some explanation for the headaches that relates to the seizure but isn’t directly due to it.”

            “The pain pattern you described, Dr. Gottlieb, is one found with people who get migraines as well as those who are experiencing cervicogenic headaches. The cervicogenic headache can occur due to damage to the structures in your neck and can be aggravated by stress or certain activities. It is a potential that during the moments of seizure the compulsions caused some damage to the structures in your neck. Both could also explain the confusion, dizziness and fatigue you experienced afterwards. Migraines can also cause hallucinations though I would agree with the assumption your friend made that what you experienced was most likely a drift disassociation. Drift disassociations are hard to predict. As Dr. Geiszler experiences, he has disassociation often when he is feeling overwhelmed and anxious. It is a potential that anger is a trigger for you Dr. Gottlieb, or this may have been a one-time event that came about due to specific circumstances.”

            “So basically you don’t know for sure what happened.” Newton felt frustrated listening to her talk but she gave him a patient look. Herc put a hand on his shoulder, a heavy weight there to remind him not to over react but how was he supposed to just sit here.

            “I’m saying that without the full background of test results since your drifts that I cannot make a full analysis. We have ruled out the immediate threat of brain bleed or aneurysm. You both have abnormal readings on EEG which could either indicate a shared seizure event outside the drift, which is somewhat unlikely and therefore the abnormal readings are your current baseline possibly due to a side effect upon the neural pathways from drifting with the hive mind. Dr. Gottlieb’s headaches could simply be due to stress or an underlying condition caused by the potentially violent compulsions one can experience during a seizure. This could have also triggered the disassociation that led to his outburst tonight. I would hardly say that’s nothing, Dr. Geiszler.” Dr. Harper spoke patiently though there was an edge of steel in her voice that indicated she was getting tired of being second guessed throughout the night.

            “Thank you Dr. Harper. We very much appreciate your time, especially for you to be here so late on short notice to see us. If it would at all help, once I have full access to Dr. Geislzer’s and my medical records from the past few months we can forward them on to you for comparison though we shall be leaving New York in just a few days to continue our tour,” Hermann said, speaking for the first time since they’d been answering questions a few hours ago now. Dr. Harper seemed much fonder of Hermann than she did of Newton though he supposed that might be due to his constant badgering.

            “I certain can take a look and contact you with any further concerns. If there is another incident I can perhaps recommend somewhere for you to go wherever you are currently located, Dr. Gottlieb.” She gave Hermann a gracious smile that seemed to say; _How do you put up with this?_  Hermann returned the smile but placed his hand lightly on Newton’s knee in an obvious show of affection and Newton could practically burst as she glanced down at the gesture. She then glanced towards Herc whose hand was still sitting on Newton’s shoulder to make sure he kept his mouth shut and she looked confused for a few seconds. “I’m…going to prescribe you some painkillers to take if the migraine comes back. Perhaps if you can head off the headache itself it can help stop any triggering of the disassociation. Aside from that it’s my opinion that you should be okay to go.”

            “Thanks Doctor. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you or your techs that all of this needs to be kept quiet, and any reports or correspondence needs to come straight to me and only to me,” Herc said sternly, hand dropping from Newton’s shoulder so he could reach out to shake hers. She looked mildly perturbed to be getting this reminder again when Herc had already stated a few times that no one else, even those inside the PPDC, needed to know about their visit. Newton knew he was breaking all sorts of protocol with that request.

            “I completely understand Marshall. There is a reason I chose to leave the PPDC and it wasn’t because I trusted any wall to do the job of the jaegers,” Dr. Harper said, shaking Herc’s hand firmly. She saw them out, going over some signs to watch that could indicate further complications and what the max dosage of the painkiller she was prescribing was. It was a little before midnight by the time they left and Hermann dozed off against his shoulder as Herc drove them back to the hotel, eyes watchful and worried in the rear view mirror.


	10. I'm going out, I'm gonna drink myself to Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann and Newton are at another standstill, Hermann finds that Tendo is perhaps struggling more than he realized, Newton goes for a swim and then sees something he wasn't supposed to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title from Hurricane Drunk by Florence + the Machine. 
> 
> This chapter is a mix of fluff and mildly angsty moments and not a whole lot actually happens so I'm sorry. >_

            The remaining time in New York passed by quickly with Herc and Tendo fielding any questions that came in about the incident in the elevator. Dr. Harper had stayed silent on the situation but there had been a few witnesses in the hotel lobby who had apparently spoken up about it. The cover story seemed to be that due to the trigger of the interview earlier in the day that Hermann had had a lapse of PTSD similar to that which occurred for other members of their party during the actual incident. Hermann wasn’t completely certain if it could even be called a lie as he knew there was some truth buried in there. He had found himself dwelling on the past over during the last few days and his thoughts echoed with the tone of Sasha’s voice when she had once teased him over a letter from Newton, Alexys’s laugh in the background and the seemingly ever unshakeable presence of Stacker Pentecost filtering through.

            That interview hadn’t been kept quiet. They had been correct in assuming that the footage would be leaked, and sure enough before the next morning it was all over the internet. The PPDC themselves made a statement that strongly chastised the station for the situation stating they should have confirmed that playing the recording was all right with their people before throwing it at them unannounced. They had the video taken down within a few hours but by then the damage had already been done as the world had seen the cracks in their foundations. The influence of the entire PPDC was behind them on this one though and it was enough to silence most public questions.

            Karla and Vanessa had called shortly after the news had come out with the information about both the interview and Hermann’s apparent ‘episode’. He had tried to assure them both that things were just fine, but his sister knew him too well. She didn’t push for once, but that tight lipped look she gave him through the computer screen each time they had called since spoke volumes. They’d called almost every day, claiming they were awake anyway so they may as well spend the time visiting. This evening they both looked tired and stressed as they sat in their home in Germany and Hermann sat half a world away in Dallas. Karla gone to check on Adalia and left him alone with Vanessa who’d given him a worried look, biting her bottom lip.

            “You’d tell us if it was something serious, yeah?” She said as she pushed her mess of curls back from her face with a careless hand. He had made all discussions on what had happened in New York short in an attempt not to worry them though it seemed that it had had the opposite effect. “You have a niece you haven’t even gotten to meet yet and we would want to know if there was anything that might prevent…” She trailed off, a pained expression crossing her face at the sudden uncertainty she could read on Hermann’s. “Do we need to come meet you somewhere? Plan a trip to somewhere on your tour so that we can see you?”

            “Nien, nien…it is fine, Nessa. I…We are monitoring the situation but it is nothing immediate or even life threatening. It was just a, ah, loss of self, it is hard to explain but it is something that could happen even to experienced drift pilots. It has not happened again since so it is likely a one-time occurrence,” he said as he tried to be as reassuring as possible. He knew it wasn’t convincing despite the fact that Dr. Harper hadn’t seemed concerned about him simply ceasing to be at any time soon. Vanessa looked about as convinced as his sister had as her eyes narrowed as she debated whether she’d argue or not. Karla was actually less prone to argue than Vanessa, it was part of the stoic nature that they’d all been told was the epitome of proper behavior. Hermann had always disappointed Lars with his temper and eager desire to please. Really, all of Lars’ children had been disappointing to him in this respect. Karla was too boisterous and laughed too loudly, Detreich was beyond explanation though he acted like this on purpose, Hermann had too quick a temper and was too vocal of his disapproval of Lars in general. The closest was Bastien and that was simply because he had distanced himself from the entire mess after their mother had died so Lars had little he could criticize.

            “That hardly sounds like nothing, Hermann,” Vanessa said finally, glancing over her shoulder towards some noise or more possibly lack of noise caught her attention. Karla had apparently managed to calm Adalia to a quiet hush from down the hallway at last. “Sometimes I think you forget that I’m more than a pretty face. What little you described sounds like it could be any number of troubling conditions. I may not have a PhD like all the rest of you but I will remind you that I was a nurse-“

            “I know, Nessa, but the doctor we saw said there were none of the signs of anything that we needed to be immediately concerned with. She is waiting to receive our tests from the last few months so that she can make a full assessment but she has given us both approval to continue on with the tour in the meantime,” Hermann said with a heavy sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose. The hotel room was blissfully air conditioned as it seemed that Texas was quite further into their spring than New York had been and the weather was a bit warmer here. He could hear the water running in the bathroom where Newton was taking a shower. They would be back on the plane again tomorrow to complete the trip down to Brazile for another week.

            “And Newton agrees with this assessment?”

            “Newton…” Hermann paused, thinking hard on this. Newton had continued to hover and fret over Hermann during the last few days with no signs of letting up, however, he’d also been reminding Dr. Gottlieb that he was still upset with him at least once a day as well. Hermann had picked up that this was Newton’s attempt to make things seemed balanced, to seem like it had once been though it was far from their normal bickering. Anytime Hermann had countered to defend himself, no matter how halfhearted he felt about it, Newton would blanched at the fear that he’d trigger another episode and would fall quiet and sheepish.

            It had become wearing since it left Hermann feeling as though he was being tiptoed around by their entire group. Stressful would perhaps be an understatement for the totality of things. He had sought some solace in arranging dinners with Tendo in an effort to reconnect with his friend whom he’d not even realized how far he’d drifted away from. The few short hours spent with Tendo the last few evenings had come to show him just how disconnected he had been as some unsettling realizations had hit him. “Newton would not be satisfied if he had delivered the assessment of my health himself. It appears that the scare has rather suddenly reminded him that I was directly involved in the drift as well.”

            “He’s worried about you.” Vanessa’s tone made it clear that she was trying to gently scold him for the edge in his voice, the sarcastic twist that bittered his words in his mouth.

            “Yes, I understand that it is just…ah, it is too difficult to really explain,” Hermann said, glancing towards the bathroom door when the water shut off. Vanessa looked as though she was ready to tell him what she thought of that assessment before catching the hint that he would soon not be alone. On her end Karla was reentering the room with a bundle of child in her arms and the weary but loving expression of a mother on her face. It suited her, motherhood, his sister had always resembled their mother but the similarity was startling in that moment.

            “Look who was demanding to at least say hello to her favorite uncle?” Karla said in measured tones, cooing slightly towards Adalia as she fussed softly in her arms. She gave Hermann a smile through the camera and the last few moments of conversation passed with shared adoration of his niece, Newton joining as he emerged from the shower with damp hair and, luckily, sweatpants on.

            They departed for Brazil about midday the next day to start off another week of interviews.

 

            “Dude, really, it’s fine.” Hermann frowned as he looked at Newton’s back. The man was getting ready to head down to the pool, something that Hermann wasn’t entirely certain about though the cool relief did sound promising. He had agreed to join Tendo at dinner once again however and would need to leave shortly if he was to make it on time.

            “You…you could come with,” Hermann said though the reluctance was clear in his voice. The dinners had come to serve two purposes for him; the first was to spend more time with his friend who was struggling more than Hermann had previously realized and the second was to have a few short moments away from what he could almost describe as Newton’s coddling. He appreciated that concern and attention from Newton, he really did, and he hated to think that the man believed otherwise but those times where they seemed to almost spillover onto the topic of their last argument Newton would pull back as though startled to find them there. The carefully measured tones and words from the one man who had never been afraid to argue with him had begun to make Hermann feel like an emotional invalid.

            “Nah, Mako says they have a sweet pool and I want to check it out. She’s gonna go down with Raleigh too.” Hermann pursed his lips, watching as Newton dug through his bag in an attempt to find his swim trunks. He’d passed them several times already, a sign that everything was not ‘fine’ as he continued to insist. Hermann walked up behind him next to the bed, placing a hand carefully on the small of Newton’s back before leaning around him to pull the trunks free from the clothes that were now in messy disarray. Newton had frozen for a few seconds before just sinking into Hermann, back pressing against his chest with a heavy sigh. “Sorry, I’m just…”

            “I know,” Hermann said softly, kissing Newton’s shoulder as he slipped his arms around the shorter man. He’d been able to feel that hum of anxiety in the back of Newton’s mind, it had been building for days if they were both honest and Hermann knew it was because of him. He allowed himself to take in the slightly stale scent of Newton’s shirt with the lingering hints of the man’s hair products that had always managed to make him smell a bit like damp earth and moss. There was tension between them, more than their fair share of fears and that bitter taste of Hermann’s guilt still in the back of his throat but he’d be damned if he allowed them to retreat from this when there were quiet moments like this.

            “You’ve been having the nightmares again,” Newton said softly, hands resting on Hermann’s arms as he leaned his head back to rest on his shoulder.

            “I know,” Hermann said again, frowning lightly as he held on just a little tighter. They swayed together in that strange current that seemed to fill their lives as the minutes stretched out around them. They were holding onto their words again, the questions about their shared past had ceased and they were both too weary to speak of the present in fear of upsetting or triggering an episode for the other.

            “Still really mad at you,” Newton said though there was no anger or conviction there. It still ate at him, still caused a spike of guilt that made Hermann feel the need to defend himself when Newton would say this. He understood what this was, it was like Newton’s reminder that they needed to talk after San Francisco, another way to hold them in place until they both felt ready to approach the subject of Chuck. It was perhaps not healthy, this holding pattern Newton was attempting to enforce for who knows how long, but they weren’t ignoring it either exactly.

            “I know.” Hermann gave a sigh against Newton’s neck, feeling a shiver run through the man’s frame. He closed his eyes, listening as Newton gave a quiet hum as he traced a finger along his wrist outlining the bump of the radioulnar joint.

            “I love you.”

            “I know,” Hermann said in a casual tone, glad as he heard Newton give a breathy laugh. He turned in Hermann’s arms then, the two of them sharing a tender and needy kiss as they both seemed to try and plead for individual forgiveness.

            “Damn straight I’m Leia,” Newton mumbled as they pulled apart, foreheads rested against each other as it was Hermann’s turn to laugh. “Scruffy-looking nerfherder.”

            “Your Worship.”

 

             He was late for his dinner despite his best efforts as he’d found it difficult to leave that quiet moment with Newton. There had still been that edge of anxiety in that space between but it had eased by the time the man had shooed him away for good. Tendo was waiting for him, already having apparently started in on an alcoholic beverage. That was one of the things Hermann had failed to realize until he’d spent more of their down time with the LOCCENT officer; Tendo was drinking more frequently and a bit heavier than was typical during the last week or so. Granted, they had all taken solace in the hazy sort of oblivion that alcohol offered but Hermann was concerned that Tendo would continue on to form a habit of it.  

            Another thing that Hermann had realized was that Herc was always somewhere nearby during their dinners, often with a beer in hand himself though he seemed to stick to only one. Hermann had originally thought that Herc was there to watch _him_ as he had shown a heightened level of diligence around Hermann since the incident in New York. Dr. Gottlieb had wanted to feel offended but at the same time his own worries that he would once more lash out at someone served as a constant reminder as to why it might be necessary. At this point though he had come to realize that Herc was there for Tendo. He had helped Hermann the couple of times that Tendo’s inebriation had gotten to the point of concern and Hermann got the feeling that Herc had known that Tendo was falling into trouble sooner than the rest of them. Granted, they’d shared a room so far in every city they’d stopped in but Hermann still felt as though he should have picked up on the signs first.

            “I apologize for being late, Tendo,” Hermann said as he sat down, carefully sliding into the booth besides his friend who was staring across to where Herc was sitting now trying to look uninterested in their corner.

            “Its fine, Hermann, you’re not that late. Newton keeping you busy?” Tendo said, wagging his eyebrows towards him as he finally pulled his attention away from the Marshall. Hermann leaned over, delicately plucking the glass away from Tendo to take a sip of whatever happened to be inside. Tonight it was some fruity concoction that didn’t actually taste of alcohol at all. “It’s virgin, I’m being policed.” Hermann glanced in Herc’s direction again at the comment as his friend narrowed his eyes.

            “Perhaps it’s for the best,” Hermann said evenly and heard Tendo sigh before the man just slumped against him. Hermann was use to the affectionate behavior from the man and simply adjusted to accommodate his weight.

            “I know. I’m pretty sure Alli set him up to it, she’s been getting worried too,” Tendo said, voice tired and quiet. Hermann nudged him gently with his shoulder, shifting so that he could reach for the menu on the other side of the man without completely dumping him off to the side. “After the thing with New York they’ve both been on me about how I’m handling things.”

            “How are you handling things, Mr. Choi?”

            “You know the answer to that, Dr. Gottlieb,” Tendo said. “I’ve been handling it poorly as of recently.” Hermann stayed quiet, letting Tendo decide if he wanted to talk about it further. This had been another standstill Hermann had found himself in. Despite the increase in time spent together they had yet to discuss anything that had happened besides the pool that night, much less the fact that Tendo had mentioned his list of things he could have done as well as commenting that you couldn’t expect to change the past. Most of their evenings together had been spent with idle chat that carefully avoided the subject while Tendo slowly drank himself into one of his elated and affectionate states while Hermann watched with concern. “When you’re in the middle of it, when you’ve heard the people you work with go into a fight they won’t come out of again and again, you kind of learn to shut it off. When everything was done I think I decided to keep that switch off, I had to because there were other’s to worry about. Herc, Newton, Mako; they didn’t need someone else sitting around depressed about Chuck or Stacker. Allison and Macbeth being there helped when we were at the Shatterdome, she understood…”

            “What is it you said to me about being certain I was taking care of myself as well, Tendo?” Hermann said delicately, idly checking the menu for something to eat. He wasn’t certain if Tendo had even considered food before he sat down, but the man cozied up beside him to look at the menu as well. Even with Tendo’s history of affection they’d spent many of their dinners in close proximity like this. He would have chastised Tendo over it if it wasn’t for the fact that it had never come off as more than a desire to be near another human being.

            “You’re far too good at throwing one’s own words back at people, brother,” Tendo said with a quirked eyebrow. “The waiter suggested this when he first came by.” Tendo was trying to change the subject and Hermann debated allowing it. Still, this was the most they’d talked about the actual issue at hand and he wasn’t certain he could stomach two constant standstills in his life.

            “I will take his recommendation then. Have you considered talking to someone? Outside of our group.” Tendo slid the menu over closer to him, eyes staying fixed on the page though Hermann was fairly positive he wasn’t reading the words.

            “I’d rather not, my man, I just think I need to stop not talking about it with you all. Like I said, I shut it off but when Alli was around she’d make me talk through it. She’s just not been around, you know? And then New York…that just made everything seem too close. Not even just with Chuck or Stacker but with all of them. Do you know how many of them I listened to die, Hermann?” Tendo spoke quietly, almost reverently, as he glanced down at his hand to where he worried at the rosary beads that he still wore around his wrist. He was thumbing over each individual bead now, careful and light as he spoke. “Since I took over as head of LOCCENT I’ve been there for every single one. You always hope when that comm goes silent that it’ll come crackling back to life and they’ll be fine. That’s just not in the cards most the time.”

            “Tendo…” Hermann wasn’t entirely certain what to say. He’d wanted to have this talk with Tendo, but hadn’t been expecting it so soon and in such a public place. He glanced over towards Herc wondering just what the Marshall may have said that seemed to have prompted this sudden sober honesty from the LOCCENT officer. Herc was watching them carefully though he dropped his eyes and looked off to the side when he realized Hermann was staring back. Tendo kept going as though he needed to get it out in one go or he might just clam up once more.

            “Except for Raleigh, Jesus that kid, he goes and drags himself back to shore after having his brother ripped out of his very core and then does it all over again when he manages to survive rocketing through a closing portal between worlds in an escape pod.” Tendo looked up at him then with a crooked smile. “Like I _also_ said, we can’t stay focused on the things that we’ve lost, right brother? It’s better to focus on the ones that are still here. Invincible Raleigh Becket, little Mako who would have made Stacker so damn proud. Shit, Newton and you, you two assholes did the unthinkable and look at you both.”

            “Hm…yes, look at us,” Hermann said with a little less enthusiasm and Tendo took his hand to link their fingers together with the rosary trapped between their palms. The beads were warm with Tendo’s body heat and as they pressed into his skin they felt like miniature pinpricks of life and energy, hopes strung together along a tenuous thread that had so far managed to never snap.

            “Hey, you two are both still here, alive and together. I know things have been…rocky with everything, but that’s something isn’t it?” Hermann continued staring down at their linked hands as Tendo spoke, testing that tenuous thread that strung Newton and him together like those faith-filled beads and feeling an answering tug that flickered past momentarily with the taste of chlorine and ease.

Hermann may not rely on the faith that Tendo casual held on to, but he had his own rosary that carried him through. Newton was a part of that but so was Tendo Choi, so was Karla and Vanessa, Deitrich and even Bastien who he so rarely spoke to. He had lost a few spheres of faith along the way, some had become chipped and damaged, but that string had yet to snap and send them tumbling into chaos.

            “Yes, that is something despite the things we are still struggling with,” Hermann breathed the last few words out on a sigh before looking up to meet Tendo’s eyes, “If we are listing off things that we should be grateful for then you shouldn’t forget to include yourself on that list. You are important to us all too, Tendo.” The LOCCENT officer gave a quiet scoff though he smiled as he bumped shoulders with Hermann once more.

            “Well, now you’re just going to make me blush, Hermann,” he said lightly, back to his easy tone of voice as he caught the waiter’s attention. As the man approached Tendo leaned in close to Hermann to whisper to him conspiratorially. “You should order vodka.”

            “I’m not going to be your enabler Mr. Choi,” Hermann said with light reproach, pointedly ordering himself a tea and forgoing any alcohol himself for the night. Tendo huffed but didn’t push, seeming to accept that he would indeed be spending the evening sober. They got their food ordered and Hermann waited until they were in relative isolation once more before continuing his point.  “It is true Tendo, you are important to all of us. You’ve helped keep us all together more times than not. I know you enjoy joking about being the man behind the curtain, but you have always taken care of the people around you. Perhaps now you should allow us to take care of you.” Tendo made another quiet noise that seemed filled with amusement as he looked out across the room again.

            “You’re not the first one to suggest that, Hermy,” Tendo said, thumb running along Hermann’s wrist in a mirrored action to Newton’s tracing digits earlier. He felt a stubborn tug of jealousy that made him suppress a smile while trying to send some reassurance along that mental wire. Tendo leaned into him so he could place a kiss on Hermann’s jaw. “Mr. Choi, what are you doing?”

            “Maybe I’m trying to make Herc jealous,” Tendo said casually, relaxing back into their more baseline levels of warmth. Hermann frowned, trying to gauge from Tendo’s nonplus expression whether he was being serious or not.

            “I’m not entirely certain you’re joking…”

            “Neither am I, brother.” Hermann gave a sigh, shaking his head as he took another sip of Tendo’s drink while they both watched Herc from across the bar. The man seemed unnerved by the sudden focused attention as he dropped his gaze down at his own table with a frown.

            “Just what is this?” Hermann asked, motioning towards the shared glass.

            “Mango pineapple juice. I was hoping it’d at least give the illusion of being a cocktail,” Tendo said though it was clear by the look on his face that it hadn’t been a convincing choice. “I still hear them sometimes…” Tendo was quiet as he spoke this addition and his grip on Hermann’s hand tightened slightly around the press of beads and loss.

            “As do I.” Hermann wished that he had perhaps ordered that vodka as the memories of the Kaidonovsky’s static filled shouts played in the back of his mind in that same space as that flickering curtain and recording stuck on repeat.

            “Think that goes away?”

            “I don’t know…perhaps they simply get quieter.”

            “Hmm…”

 

            The pool was pretty amazing. Mako and Raleigh had beaten him down there and the two of them had already settled in. It was an indoor/outdoor pool that was just the right temperature of deliciously cool when Newton jumped in, purposefully splashing the two Rangers as Mako laughed and chastised him. This had led to the two of them scuffling in the shallow end until Newton had given up under Mako’s superior dunking abilities. Raleigh had pointedly stayed out of it though he’d cheered Mako on in a lazy drawl.

            They’d spent some time floating, the three of them just enjoying the peace and quiet for a while until Raleigh had moved into the hot tub. Newton saw for the first time those circuitry scars that ran along his skin as he relaxed against the edge of the pool near the opening to the outside, cool breeze coming in as the sun set somewhere behind the hotel. Mako swam over to him as Raleigh lowered himself into the hot water with a hiss before relaxing into place.

            “He is very good looking, yes?” Newton coughed, blushing as he narrowed his eyes at her. She gave a laugh, a joyous sound that reminded Newton of when she was little and he’d sneak her into the lab to show her the newest sample, moments spent trying to teach little fingers the proper placement on guitar strings and, to Hermann’s horror, a few short months attempting to teach her drums that had ended disastrously as Newton admitted that perhaps he didn’t actually know how to play them either. Happy little moments with a happy little Mako before she’d grown into the beautiful and determined woman who had saved the world and gotten her revenge.

            “Really? Hadn’t noticed. Not my type,” Newton said, spluttering slightly as he shook his head which simply made her laugh more.

            “No, of course not, Dr. Gottlieb is your type,” Mako said with a nod of certainty. “He is a good type too. He is good for you and I think you are good for him as well.”

            “Thanks,” Newton said softly with a smile. “How about you, huh? Kicked puppy with abs your thing?” Newton inclined his head towards Raleigh who had narrowed his eyes in their direction, likely picking up that he was being talked about whether it was through the drift or their quiet voices echoing over the water. Mako gave Raleigh a contemplative look as though she was sizing him up, and Raleigh seemed torn between feeling indignant or proud of her gaze.

            “I think so. I never explored what ‘my type’ was before. It seemed an unnecessary complication and distraction. He has made me think about it, however.”

            “He’s devoted.”

            “Yes,” Mako said with a slow nod as Newton shifted, pulling himself up slightly on the edge of the pool so he could get a better look at Raleigh. Mako giggled quietly beside him, eyes dropping as Raleigh seemed to finally settle on indignant.

            “Are you two finished sizing me up over there?”

            “Oh, no, we’re just getting started, Ray.” Newton slipped into a mock Australian accent almost unintentionally and there was a quiet moment before Raleigh chose to smooth over it.

            “Well, if you’re going to be critiquing me you could at least speak up loud enough for me to hear,” he said pointedly, raising an eyebrow though his eyes softened when he met Mako’s gaze. The guy had it bad though Mako was a complete badass so Newton couldn’t blame him. Newton pulled himself up completely so he could sit on the side of the pool to study the man for a few seconds.

            “I will give him points for looks, Mako, and he really does have the whole kicked puppy thing going for him. Hmmm….” Newton frowned squinting his eyes at Raleigh who was shaking his head.

            “He is also kind and funny when he allows himself to be,” Mako said a little shyly and Newton grinned down at her. Maybe she wasn’t as uncertain as she wanted to come across either as she made small waves in the water in her hands, moving back and forth like a tide with the swirl of water and salt. Newton snapped back to, pulling himself away from the thought and was happy to find the other two hadn’t seemed to notice his small lapse.

            “I still don’t know…seems a bit shady to me, being so perfect and all…”

            “So you think I’m perfect then?” Raleigh quirked an eyebrow though there was that small twist of a smile on his lips. Newton let himself slide back down into the water as his way of saying he was done with his judgment.

            “Yep, too perfect. Being too perfect is a flaw,” Newton said in a wizened voice that was pretty much just his Hermann voice to be honest. Thinking of Hermann he felt a tug from that end of the drift tether, or whatever you wanted to call it, and he tried his best to give him that sense of contentment he was feeling just then to make up for the anxiety earlier. He just…well, he was scared if he was completely honest because what had happened to Hermann had been scary and had hit him out of left field. If there had been warning signs Newton hadn’t noticed them and that freaked him out that he could literally be in the guy’s head and not even realize that something was about to go so wrong. Newton could feel that edge of fear creeping into the cracks with the goal of ruining his happy moment of normalcy so he pushed away from the wall and out into the middle of the pool just as he pushed the thoughts away in his mind to clear space for the empty dark deep in his soul.

            “Of course, Mako’s too perfect too if we’re being honest here so that means you two are on even grounds. Two perfect, kick ass little Mendel peas in a pod.” Newton rolled so that he was floating on his back, paddling slowly towards the divide that led outside where the sky was a dark purple. Pools at night seemed to be the thing lately but this time was a lot more peaceful than in New York when Newton had been too scared to really pay much attention to the surroundings. The water made him feel more at ease than he’d been in a while though.

            “I can’t argue with that,” Raleigh responded, a laugh in his voice that Newton didn’t quite follow. Mako had gone quiet though and he figured they were too busy eye flirting or talking dirty through the drift or something. Ok, little Mako probably didn’t talk dirty or maybe she did, who knew? Raleigh knew.

            “Marko…” Mako whispered the word in his ear and just then it sure sounded like ‘the Lannisters send their regards’ because he was suddenly dunked under the water without any warning. He came up with a gasping laugh, hands clutching at his glasses to keep him from losing them.

            “Oh, it is on,” Newton said, shaking his head to fling water about as Mako swam away as fast as she could. “I’m the best Marko Polo player, Mako, you’ve made a horrendous error in judgment with that challenge; just you wait.” Newton made his way towards the edge of the pool near the hot tub so he could deposit his glasses somewhere as Mako tread water in the deep end waiting for him. Raleigh was giving him a little smirk when Newton hopped out of the pool to drop his glasses off on a table to keep them from being stepped on. “You…you lose points. You’re no longer perfect.”

            “I think he is very perfect,” Mako countered from inside the pool and Newton gave a bark of a laugh. He felt another tug from Hermann though this one seemed unintentional, and Newton had to pause for a few moments at the table as he felt the brush of a hand on a wrist and lips on a jaw and….

Tendo Choi was a lucky that Newton understood he wouldn’t even try something just then. Tendo was an extremely lucky that Newton had realized the man had an overly affectionate nature with pretty much everyone within his inner circle of friends because if he didn’t he might be taking all that leaked sensation as being something he should be upset about. He could tell Hermann wasn’t trying to make him jealous, wasn’t aiming to share those few seconds with him, but Dr. Gottlieb was almost always projecting out some background noise. It was like being so closed off in most aspects of his life had caused Hermann to leak mental radio waves and newton was now just tuned in to the right frequency to read them. “Are you coming or are you all talk, Newton?” Mako’s tone was light a teasing but it was obvious that his little lapse hadn’t gone unnoticed this time.

            “Oh, don’t worry. I’m about to school you at this Mako, just had to brain check the good Dr. Gottlieb to make sure he wasn’t getting too wild off on his own. You know how the guy is. All wanting to be a hardcore rockstar,” Newton said jokingly, purposefully shaking drops of cold water onto Raleigh as he walked past and the man splashed him back. Apparently Raleigh Becket could relax and have fun sometimes though Newton noticed he was pointedly not joining them for what was likely to be an intense game of Marko Polo. It was another thing he’d done with Mako when she was younger, of course, that had been sans the pool. They’d ran around the hallways of the Shatterdome shouting back and forth at one another as Hermann only halfheartedly scolded them until Stacker showed up and actually scolded them for the noise complaints. Mako grinned at him now from the water, even without his glasses he could guess at the mischievous smile.

            “He has always been most unruly,” she said with understanding before giving a squeal as Newton jumped in, cannonballing close to her so that she got splashed. “You are Marko first!” She called it before he could splutter out the same back at her and he cursed as she ducked beneath the water. He closed his eyes, treading in place and waiting a few moments as the water seemed to go still around him.

            “Marko!” He called the word out and heard Raleigh’s snigger from in the hot tub.

            “Polo.” It came close and from behind him and Newton turned to try and grab Mako before she could slip away but only got empty water. He called out again, frowning as he tried to concentrate on the sounds of movement but Mako seemed to be swimming below the surface to stay as quiet as possible. He heard her response, still close but further away this time and instead of reaching out immediately he started trying to track her. It took longer than he liked to admit but at last she got cocky again and when he Marko’d she Polo’d back near his right side and he reached out, tagging her and then dunking her before she could do the same to him. She caught him in a hug when she came back up, giving him a big kiss on the cheek. _Not the only one that gets kisses_ he thought smugly and he felt a hint of amusement on the other end. It wasn’t exactly the response he’d been going for.

            “Now, I am Marko!” Mako said with a grin, arms relaxed over Newton’s shoulders for a few seconds longer before she pulled away from him and closed her eyes. Now, hiding, Newton could do hiding. He slid under the water much like Mako had done, but he circled back around her so that he could reach the other end of the pool and put distance between the two of them. He surfaced again near the shallower end, trying to be as quiet as possible as Mako was a blurred dot on the other side. “Marko!”

            “Polo!” Newton ducked back under as soon as the word was out of his mouth, swimming off to the side a little ways. His plan was to just keep doing circles around Mako and lead her back and forth between the two ends of the pool. When he surfaced she had moved towards him some and he had to bite back a laugh as she called out again. This time she moved quickly when he responded and as he ducked under the water he knew his plan wasn’t going to work. She was close and he lingered down towards the bottom of the pool as he tried to figure out his escape plan. A different thought struck him then as he realized that Mako likely didn’t realize how close he was, and he stayed low waiting for the right chance to pounce. Mako had snuck up on him to dunk him under before and now it was his turn.

He could hear her call out for him even though the chlorine filled water that would leave his eyes stinging and blood shot later. Still, it was quiet and calm down here, any sounds from above coming through muffled and distorted as he watched Mako’s legs a few feet away. Here it was safe and familiar and warm despite the fact that he knew the water was actually rather cool. He looked around himself, the general atmosphere lacked that blue tint and there were no currents pulling and tugging him about, but it was….Something told Newton he needed to return to the surface, an ache in his chest that seemed to tell him to breathe in but he had enough sense about him to realize that water wasn’t air.

Newton pushed off the bottom of the pool, the thought of playful retribution renewed in the forefront of his mind as he broke the surface right behind Mako. He grinned as he put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her down. Newton slipped below with her for a second before they both resurfaced back to the air, Mako laughing and turning to dunk him back under briefly. The two of them play fought until they wore out, Mako half dragging Newton back to the side where Raleigh was standing looking down at them both.

            “I was Marko, Newton, that was no fair,” Mako said with another laugh, taking Raleigh’s hand as he offered it to her and pulled her out of the water.

            “All’s fair, Mako,” Newton said, shaking his head when Raleigh offered him his hand next. “Nah, gonna stay in a while longer.”

            “You sure, doc?” Newton squinted up at Raleigh to try and gauge what his expression was as the tone in his voice sounded almost a little insistent. His hand was still held out towards him and Newton frowned as he pushed away from the edge to back stroke out into the pool again.

            “Positive, Ray, gonna turn myself into a prune,” Newton said, giving up on trying to gauge either of the other two’s expressions and staring up at the blurred ceiling instead. Mako said something quietly to Raleigh, the two almost seeming to arguing in hushed tones for a moment before Mako spoke up again.

            “We will warm up in the hot tub for a while, Newton. Do not forget that we have interviews in the morning,” she said, pushing Raleigh gently towards the hot tub. The rest of the time was spent with them sitting off the to the side as Newton lazily swam back and forth, finally straying away from them and out into the open end of the pool to look upward at the sky. Hermann loved the stars. Newton thought they were cool, sure, in a ‘truth is out there, obviously it opened up a trans-dimensional breach onto our world so you can’t really deny that now, Scully’ kind of way, but Hermann had always loved the stars.

            He lost track of how long he stayed drifting there, closing his eyes as he floated in the water and knowing in the back of his mind that he should go back up to the room. He also knew that had he been able to see Raleigh’s expression by the side of the pool that there would have been doubt there that Newton didn’t want to face. Out of all of them Raleigh seemed the hardest to figure out, he seemed to go back and forth between being the one defending him or the one doubting him the most. Recently he’d caught the ranger eyeing Hermann in the same way, though he was far from the only one keeping a close eye on Dr. Gottlieb. Newton was screwed up but Newton had never been _violent_. The word came through in Herc’s voice, the man having talked to him alone while they were in Dallas, seeming to try and determine if that perhaps hadn’t been the first time Hermann had lashed out like that. Newton had bristled at the implication and Herc had quickly dropped it, satisfied with the vehement no he’d gotten in return.

            “Dr. Geiszler.” Newton smiled brightly before he opened his eyes, clumsily flipping over so he could swim towards the edge where Hermann was standing. It must have been a lot later than he’d thought as the sky was no longer that dark purple but a shade of darkness only ruined by the haze of the city lights.

            “Dr. Gottlieb.”

            “Ms. Mori and Mr. Becket told me I would find you down here,” Hermann said, leaning down to offer Newton something and he realized that it was his glasses. Hermann must have cleaned the water spots off of them for him because when he slipped them on he was greeted by Hermann’s frown with no hindrance.

            “Mmm…they still in the hot tub?”

            “No, they returned to their room a short while ago,” Hermann said with a sigh as he fussed with the towel that hung over his arm while looking down at Newton and seeming impossibly tall from his position in the water. Hermann shifted away, moving to sit on one of the reclining beach chairs that sat on the deck. “It is late Newton.” Hermann looked up at the sky as Newton watching him, arms resting on the edge of the pool as he held himself in place.

            “I lost track of time,” Newton said, letting his chin rest on his arms as he continued to watch Hermann stare up at the sky. “You should get in, the water’s nice.”

            “I did not bring my swim trunks down,” Hermann said dismissively, looking back to him now. It wasn’t that same hesitance that hung in the air between them just then but it wasn’t complete peace either. Hermann seemed tired but at the same time a bit restless while that floating feeling of being adrift in the pool had spread to Newton’s mind.

            “Then you should really get in,” Newton responded and Hermann gave him a look of exasperated fondness.

            “You are intolerable.”

            “You say intolerable and all I hear is adorable,” Newton said, sighing as he resigned himself to having to climb out of the water. He was aware of Hermann watching him and so he pulled himself up slowly, shivering when the air hit him and made him realize how much it had cold down since the sun had set. From the pool deck you could almost make out the waters of Lago Paranoá off to the east.

            “Yes, well, you are perhaps adorable when you do not look as like a shivering mess,” Hermann said, tutting softly as he unfolded the towel and pulled Newton close so he could get it wrapped carefully around his shoulders. Newton leaned down to kiss Hermann’s brow in part to help so that Hermann didn’t try to stand again so soon and also simply because he wanted that frown to go away.

            “You flatterer,” Newton said sarcastically which earned him a quirk of Hermann’s lips as the man tugged the towel around him tightly. “So, what did he say?”

            “Who?” Hermann asked, watching Newton as he sat down on the edge of the chair. He sat close, not caring if he got Hermann a little wet and the man didn’t move away from him on his own accord either. Instead Hermann actually slipped his arm around his shoulders, pulling him close as he muttered about Newton catching a chill.

            “Rah-leigh.” Newton exaggerated the man’s name, watching Hermann out of the corner of his eye though he really didn’t need to. He could feel the stir of the man’s thoughts, Hermann wasn’t trying to block him out and he caught that moment’s uncertainty that told him Raleigh had said something.

            “He was concerned.”

            “Guy is always concerned.”

            “For good reason, Newton,” Hermann said, looking upwards once more as he rubbed at Newton’s arm through the towel. “He was concerned with how long you were staying in the pool. He also expressed concern over some of your behavior, specifically when you stayed under for much longer than was comfortable before pulling Mako down with you. Ms. Mori assured me that he was over reacting though, that you two were simply playing.” Newton sat, resting his head on Hermann’s shoulder and trying to think. Was there anything other than the thought of dunking Mako behind his actions earlier? Not that he could feel stirring in the back of his mind but he could see how Raleigh might have been disconcerted. He couldn’t deny that he had possibly stayed beneath the surface for longer than he should have, had felt that burn in his lungs even as he decided to give Mako a taste of her own medicine by sneak attacking her in return.

            “Mako thing was purely in fun,” Newton said, feeling fairly confident of himself. He hadn’t felt any malicious tendency to hold her under, he was certain of that, but the other part. “The underwater thing though might have been…I lost track.”

            “You are seeming to do that quite often,” Hermann said, concern in his voice and Newton secretly hated it. He didn’t hate Hermann’s concern or care, but he hated that he still was such a mess that Hermann felt the need to be that concerned. It made Newton worried in return that fretting over him was going to be the thing that triggered more problems for Hermann. It felt like a giant circular mess and he was the cogs that made it all spin.

            “It was nothing,” Newton said, trying for nonchalant but Hermann saw right through it as he gave him a steady gaze. Newton rolled his eyes, hands moving to lift Hermann’s glasses that were hanging off their ridiculous chain up and in place on the bridge of his nose so that disbelieving stare was focused over the frames. “If you’re going to give me that look you may as well do it right.” Hermann’s stare narrowed at him which made Newton grin crookedly. “That’s the way to do it, Hermmmm-“ Hermann had cut him off with a kiss, chaste but lingering as Newton leaned into it.

            “I would feel more at ease if you did not swim alone from now on,” Hermann said when he pulled away. It wasn’t an unreasonable request, it was better than the suggestion Newton not swim at all despite the fact he had felt more at ease floating in silence within the water than he had for months.

            “Promise that next time you’ll swim with me?” Newton scooted a little closer to Hermann, lips brushing over his jaw with a vindictive desire that had him feeling a little possessive as he remembered that ghost of a touch from before.

            “Yes, the next time you wish to swim I will come along as well,” Hermann said, head tilting to give him more access and Newton took full advantage of it. Newton relished the soft hum that Hermann made as he kissed along his throat, leaning in further to try and coax Hermann to lie down on the chair. “This isn’t an appropriate place, Newton.” Newton sighed against Hermann’s shirt collar, burying himself against the man for a second as Hermann seemed to waver on his conviction.

            “You started it…” Newton said, finally accepting that Hermann wasn’t going to budge. He pouted slightly as he sat up, feeling slightly rejected as he avoided Hermann’s eyes.

            “I would love to Newton, just not here…” Hermann sounded a little rejected himself as he brushed a knuckle over Newton’s cheek. It was only fair really, Newton had been the one doing the rejecting since New York. He’d worried about doing anything that might raise Hermann’s blood pressure or cause any strain, afraid that perhaps the CT had missed something. He’d been harassing Dr. Harper more frequently than the other’s really knew with the exception of Herc.

            Dr. Harper had finally gotten annoyed with his frequent calls and had informed Herc about them in hopes the Marshall would rein him in a little. Herc had told him to let it be and that he’d handle talking with Dr. Harper until she had something more, but it’d been five days. How long was it going to take? _As long as the PPDC decides it will._ That had been Herc’s answer, one that the Marshall hadn’t seemed pleased with either. Newton snapped back out of his thoughts when Hermann pulled him close again, dragging Newton down into the chair with them so they were lying side by side. Newton shifted, rolling over to curl up tightly against Hermann as the man stretched out his left leg carefully.

            “I’m going to take you to see the stars sometimes, Hermms.” Newton draped an arm over Hermann, hugging him closely as that chill finally seemed to wear off.

            “I would very much enjoy that, Newton.”

 

            They had made their way back up to their room eventually though they’d laid out under the sky longer than either of them had planned to. Hermann had made him take a quick shower to warm up, still seeming to be concerned that he was too cold. When Newton had stumbled back into the room, warm and relaxed he’d found Hermann asleep on the bed. The man had clearly not planned to fall asleep there, right leg still hanging off the side and the sheets trapped beneath him as his cane leaned up against the bed beside him. There was a tray of food that had seemed to materialize set on the desk. Newton hadn’t eaten and so Hermann had insisted on at least getting something small from room service while Newton warmed up.

            He ate quietly, watching Hermann sleep while trapped in his own exhausted fog. The food was good though, better than it probably should have been except for the fact that he really was hungry. He should have eaten a few hours ago, left whenever Raleigh and Mako had decided to head up themselves but he’d been too deep in that water logged state then. The cheeseburger was gone before he realized it and he tried to gather things up without making too much noise, carrying the tray to the door to leave out in the hall for room service to collect once more.

            When he opened the door he heard the voices down the hall, quiet but familiar and he peeked down towards them curiously. Tendo and Herc were lingering in the hall seeming to have just come up the stairs together which seemed weird. Tendo had eaten dinner with Hermann and though Newton supposed that Herc may have gone down for dinner as well they would have been down there for several hours at this point. They seemed to be disagreeing about something as Tendo led the way towards their room, fishing out the key card.

            “Tendo.”

            “It was one drink…” Tendo turned to face Herc, abandoning the task of getting the room door open for the moment.

            “And all I asked was that you go one fucking night without one, mate,” Herc said, jaw doing that thing that seemed to be a Hansen family signal for annoyance. Herc stepped up close to the LOCCENT officer who leaned back against the wall with the close proximity though Tendo reached out to brush something off Herc’s shoulder lightly.

            “Says the guy who raids the minibar, my man,” Tendo said, eyebrow raised as he crossed his arms over his chest. Newton frowned as Herc leaned in closer to Tendo, arm resting on the wall beside his head. That was familiar but not in a way that made sense for the two people he was currently spying on. Ok, he wasn’t spying….he was spying. He couldn’t really lie about that when he was still kneeling close to the ground with the door open just a crack, tray set down as quietly as he could so not to disturb whatever was happening here.

            “I’m maintaining. You? You’re not and you have a lot reasons to try and not fuck things up,” Herc said sternly. “I can name two extremely good reasons right now that you knew very well. Allison and Mac are both waiting for you at the end of this damned circus.”

            “I know that, I know,” Tendo said with a shake of his head, eyes dropping to avoid Herc’s steady gaze. They were standing awfully close, Herc leaning into Tendo as they spoke just a few short inches from each other and Newton could feel the questions bubbling up inside of him. This seemed incredibly intimate, more than it should be but he really couldn’t justify to think it was anything more than Herc trying to help Tendo. Hermann had told him in vague terms that he was concerned about Tendo’s recent uptake in drinking, Herc was just trying to remind the man of the reasons to keep things together.

            “Hey,” Herc reached up to lift Tendo’s chin to make the other man look at him again. Now they seemed even closer than before and Tendo’s eyes searched Herc’s face with a light frown. “I can give you two more reasons.”

            “Yeah…” Tendo seemed to be indicating some unspoken question between the two of them as Herc straightened the man’s bowtie for him.

            “Yeah, your best friend seemed pretty fucking worried. You could do it to help ease Dr. Gottlieb’s mind considering he has enough going on as it is already.” Tendo’s hand fidgeted at his side, prayer beads giving a subdued rattle as he gripped the rosary in an almost unconscious move.

            “Isn’t there still at least one more reason?” Tendo said, Newton now having to strain a little to hear. They had dropped their voices as they’d grown closer together in physical proximity and Newton was very certain this was more intimate than he’d expected.

            “Hm? You talking about Max?” Tendo stared at Herc for a long moment before giving a laugh and a shake of his head. He turned to put the keycard into the slot, whatever weird tension that had been developing between them starting to dissipate immediately.

            “I was being serious when I gave you that offer, Herc,” Tendo said, sounding a little annoyed as the door opened but Herc stopped him before he could enter the room, turning the LOCCENT officer back around to face him.

            “All right, there might be one more reason,” Herc said, any hint of a joking tone gone from his voice and replaced by a slightly husky rasp. Herc’s arm had slipped around Tendo, hand resting on the man’s ribs as Tendo raised an eyebrow. "If you're willing to let me be one of those reasons?" Herc looked completely unsure of himself for the first time ever and then within seconds they were kissing. Tendo had leaned forward to catch Herc's lips at the same time the Marshall had pushed him back against the walland they were kissing. Newton nearly had to bite his tongue to keep himself from reacting as he fell back out of the door way with just enough thought left in his head to keep the door from slamming closed.

            “Holy shit.” If he hadn’t seen it himself he wouldn’t have believed it. He still wasn’t entirely certain he did believe it and by the time he peeked back out the door the two men were gone, disappeared inside of their room. _Fuck._ Someone was going to have to tell Allison Choi that her husband was cheating on her with the _Herc_.


	11. I guess you just weren't made for monogamy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton decides to confront Allison with the truth of the matter concerning Tendo and Herc. He accidentally offends Hermann when he finds that the situation makes him feel less secure about their own relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally guys, am I right? Sorry this one took so long, I've been hella busy. 
> 
> This one isn't as angsty as the summary makes it sound, really it isn't. 
> 
> Chapter title is from B.F.G.F. by Eve 6.

                Newton hadn’t been able to sleep that night with the thoughts jumping around in his mind the way they were. He’d sat on the bed beside Hermann’s sleeping form, legs crossed in front of him as he watched the other man sleep. He had a hard time making what he knew of both Tendo Choi and Herc Hansen mesh with what he had seen out in the hall. Tendo loved Allison, they all knew that, and the fact that he’d cheat on her just didn’t fit. The idea that Herc would be a part of that as well sat horribly in the back of his mind. Two people he’d known for years had just fractured some perceived vision he’d created of them and it made his stomach twist and his head ache.

                It made him think of his parents and how he’d learned from an early age that that little piece of paper, that contract made between two people when they married, really meant nothing at all in the big picture. It hadn’t stopped his parents from being together despite his mother’s existing marriage at the time, it hadn’t kept them together years later when the two of them had gotten married themselves and she’d decided that staying home with a child wasn’t suited for her. And now here was someone who he’d always thought would prove him wrong doing the exact same thing. It scared him a little, made him feel frightened for his future with Hermann. He didn’t need a piece of paper to tell him that he loved Hermann; that they were together and that was the way he wanted it to stay. Would they always feel that way though? Would Hermann always feel that way once he tired of the mess that Newton had always been much less the mess he’d now become?

                There was a point in the middle of the night that he was certain that he would call Allison and tell her. He had her number though he’d never used it and as he stared at his phone contemplating hitting that button that would connect them he’d felt his stomach drop. How would he tell her? Would he just come out and say it? Would he be able to handle her reaction? Would she be angry or crushed? Would little Mac be with her and she’d have to _maintain_? In the end he couldn’t do it, hadn’t been able to bring himself to hit that button had hear her disconnected voice sounding surprised that he was the one calling.

                He thought of waking up Hermann as well, of talking it over with the man who always seemed to be able to calculate the correct course of action in difficult situations. This hadn’t helped that ill feeling inside though. Tendo was Hermann’s best friend and he’d be in essence calling the LOCCENT officer a liar. He’d be breaking Hermann’s viewpoint of his friend as well and that felt just as difficult as telling Allie. Then there was Herc. If Newton was truthful Herc was _his_ best friend outside of Hermann, someone he felt comfortable going to about all the issues and problems that had arisen over the months.

                Herc had looked happy. For the first time in months, perhaps really for the first time since he’d known the man, Herc had looked happy in that unguarded moment with Tendo in the hall. Was he going to shatter his friend’s happiness? Would Herc hate him for doing so?

 

                By morning Newton was exhausted and distant as they got ready for the day. There was a bitter taste in his mouth when he saw Herc and Tendo down in the lobby as they congregated to head out for interviews and a photo shoot. Hermann was watching him carefully, having already commented on the fact that Newton looked as though he’d not slept at all. He’d asked him up in the room if he was ill and Newton had halfheartedly agreed with the excuse as he carefully avoided Hermann’s gaze. He wanted to be angry but he couldn’t quite find it in himself as he tried to watch Herc and Tendo for signs of that connection between them throughout the day.

                It turned out that Brazil rather loved Tendo and the man had quickly warmed up to the attention in interviews. It irritated Newton a little in a way that it shouldn’t have if he hadn’t known that Tendo wasn’t the perfect charming man that he came across as on the cameras. Hermann had mentally nudged him at one point during an interview where Tendo was explaining his role in more detail. It had been a questioning brush across his agitated mind that was full of some concern as Newton realized he’d perhaps been glaring at the LOCCENT officer. He eased his expression, glancing at Hermann to try to give him a reassuring smile.

                It had been the photo shoot that had perhaps pushed him a little out of that empty sort of anger into truly being upset. They were all expected to change a number of times as they got photos taken in a group, individually and in different pairs. He’d just finished getting some pictures taken and had made his way back to the changing area. They had separate areas but there weren’t different rooms to keep them truly apart and as he came around the corner he caught them again. They weren’t kissing but they were standing close, Herc working on tying Tendo’s bowtie in place as they spoke in low tones in a way that was far too reminiscent of Hermann tying Newton’s own tie. Herc had a small frown on his face but as Tendo said something in a teasing tone the man had giving a private little smirk. Newton stepped back, this time making some noise before he came around the corner and sure enough the two men were standing apart when he emerged again.

                The small inkling of reignited turmoil only grew when the photographer wanted to take pictures of Hermann and Tendo together to capture their ‘shared aesthetic’ as the man called it. Newton had bristled slightly at being left out even though Hermann had already taken several photos with just him. All of them had been discreet, Newton aware that Hermann preferred to come across as professional, and so he did his best to make sure the pictures presented them as colleagues though the photographer had directed them into a few poses that had Hermann blushing slightly at their closeness. The photos with Tendo were different though.

                So he wasn’t hanging off of Hermann necessarily and the pictures were clearly meant to be a little more playful but…there was more of an obvious affection than there had been with him. By the end Hermann had even relaxed some despite Tendo’s arm over his shoulder, faces close. Newton had stood up and left, knew he was over reacting but he couldn’t stop that jealous twist in his chest. He passed Herc on his way out and had kept his eyes down to keep from meeting the man’s gaze.

                “Geiszler, you ok?”

                “Fuck off, Herc.” He met Herc’s eyes as he spat the words out and for just a second the man had looked surprised and hurt before he closed it off, letting Newton go without another word though his posture had gone tense and defensive. Newton felt that touch of Hermann’s mind, the man mentally pleading to be told what was wrong and Newton had lashed out before thinking about it once more. He regretted it. He regretted it the second that he’d done it as he try to reach out to Hermann to apologize but found the man had pulled back quickly and there was a distance between them. _He’d probably rather have someone who didn’t mentally slap him on accident._

 

                Hermann had caught up with him in the dressing rooms, Newton sitting amongst the pile of discarded clothes that he’d carelessly tossed aside after the numerous changings they’d gone through. He had gotten out of the shoot with Tendo as soon as the photography was willing to allow, focusing now on Mako and Raleigh for one last set of photographs. He’d slipped away from the others, still stinging slightly from the anger he’d felt from Newton when the man had stormed away. He knew that Newton hadn’t meant to hit him with that whiplash of emotion, had felt the man’s pleading in the back of his mind as he tried to contain any physical reaction to the mental confusion of emotions.

                “Are you ready to tell me what has upset you?” Newton looked up at him and Hermann felt himself weaken a little. Newton looked a mess, felt like a mess as well inside though he was still keeping Hermann at a distance from some piece of knowledge that was troubling him. Whatever it was felt personal though until that snap of agitation during the photo shoot it hadn’t felt as though it was related to Hermann himself. Newton was worrying at his thumbnail as he looked at him, eyes full of uncertainty. “Please, Newton, whatever it is…”

                “I-“ Newton faltered and Hermann sighed as he carefully lowered himself down beside the man, Newton’s hands reaching out to steady him as he protested. They sat in silence, the sounds of the photographer calling directions coming from down the hall. There was a gap between them as they sat but it wasn’t that chasm that had once stood between them. This felt like a crack in some foundation, but Hermann knew a crack could have serious consequences if not patched. It hadn’t escaped him that Newton’s temper had been set off during his shoot with Tendo, knew that his friend had been once more acting flirtatious though this had been for the camera.

                “If this is about how Tendo is with me, I hope you know that there is no motive behind his affections-“

                “Yeah, sure, maybe you should ask Herc if there’s anything more behind those affections,” Newton said, the bitterness suddenly returning to his voice. Hermann frowned as Newton seemed to suddenly feel like he said too much as he scrubbed at his hair with a careless hand in a nervous fashion.

                “Newton, just what are you implying?” Hermann spoke carefully though he had an idea in the back of his mind now what this might be about. It had not slipped his mind that Tendo’s goal the other night had been to make Herc jealous which had its own level of implication behind it. Perhaps if Newton had caught that thought, had misinterpreted things or assumed something without all the facts?

                “Nothing, everything, God I don’t know,” Newton said with a frustrated sound escaping his throat. “You’d tell me, right? You’d tell me if you wanted someone else and not just go behind my back?” Hermann’s back straightened a little at the question as he felt a nagging sense of dread while feeling indignant at the question at the same time. Newton looked nervous as though he knew he’d just screwed up but he didn’t take it back, didn’t back track to take away that suggestion that Hermann would cheat on him or leave him for someone else. Given the direction of the discussion it would also follow suit that the man was stating Hermann would leave him for Tendo.

                “Excuse me?” Hermann tried to keep any offense out of his tone but it was almost impossible to do. Newton drew back before a moment before squaring his shoulders as he seemed to settle on his current course of action.

                “I’d want to know if you ever decided you wanted someone that wasn’t…me. I would prefer to hear it from you, but I’d want to know and not be kept in the dark about it if you tried to keep it secret too. I mean, it’s just, if you knew that there was someone else it wouldn’t be fair to keep it quiet even if it would hurt.”

                “Newton Geiszler, are you trying to ask me if I am cheating on you?” Newton stared wide eyed at him as though he wasn’t entirely certain if that was what he was asking. He pulled away from Hermann, sinking back into the pile of ridiculous clothing they’d been expected to parade around in as he messed with his own tie that was once more hanging loosely around his neck.

                “No…I….I’d understand, but I just…if you knew someone wasn’t being honest would you tell the person they were keeping things hidden from?” Hermann tried to fight back his own sense of offended rage, tried to remind himself that he still wasn’t entirely certain what Newton was trying to get to. He wasn’t going to just then either as the voices of the other’s drew near from down the hall.

                “Yes, if I knew someone was being dishonest I would feel obligated to tell the other party. I would not be dishonest with you, Newton, and I would expect the same in return. I have already told you that I am not going anywhere,” Hermann said in a quiet hiss, speaking quickly to get the words out before they were interrupted. Newton looked at him with a guilty expression but it was too late as the rest of their group entered the area. Tendo paused as he stepped in ahead of the others, catching the two of them sitting there looking at each other with a focused intensity that must have come off as troubling. “We will finish discussing this later. I had made previous arrangements to have dinner with Mr. Choi but if I need to cancel so that we can clear up whatever this misunderstanding is-“

                “No, it’s fine. Just…go have your dinner,” Newton said, another jealous twist coming through their connection as Newton pushed himself up from the floor. The other four made their way to their areas to get back into their own clothing while staying quiet, attempting to act as though they were not listening. Newton lingered long enough to offer Hermann his hand, carefully pulling him to his feet while avoiding his eyes. Once he knew Hermann was steady on his own two feet again though he turned, walking past Tendo to leave.

                “Hey brother-“

                “Not your brother, Choi.” Tendo looked slightly shocked, glancing at Hermann as Newton disappeared.

 

                The car ride back had ended up being tense and silent. Newton had climbed into the back seat like usual but hadn’t even realized it wasn’t Hermann who sat beside him until they were on their way back to the hotel. He’d finally looked ahead instead of out the window and had found himself staring at the back of Hermann’s head as the man sat straight backed while looking sternly forward. He hadn’t meant to imply that Hermann was the one cheating, not really at least. The fear was there, fresh in the back of his mind but he hadn’t intended for the conversation to end up with them both a little angry at each other.  Hermann would now go have dinner with Tendo and probably tell him all about the conversation as Tendo listened sympathetically.

                Raleigh was the one sitting next to him since Mako was beside Hermann, and Newton could feel the man watch him as he huffed quietly to himself. He wasn’t in the mood for that old soul stare so he shifted to try and just focus his attention back out the window to the world beyond their little compact space. At least if Hermann went to dinner Newton would have the chance he needed to call Allison. He’d at least had gathered that much from Hermann, that he would feel like telling was the right thing to do in the situation he was in. It just seemed that Hermann had taken it a little more personal and if he was completely honest with himself he had wanted to know. He had wanted to check for some red flag that could tell him if Hermann was thinking of straying to someone else, specifically to Tendo since they’d been spending more time together. He should know better, he really should, but realizing that hadn’t helped him get past that doubt.

                “Whatever is going on don’t let it push everyone away. We’re family now and you should try to fix it.” Raleigh spoke quietly beside him though when he glanced back the ranger was looking forward. Newton didn’t know how to respond, part of him knew it was the truth, this small gathering of people were part of his family. Newton glanced forward at the people in the car with him, catching Herc’s eyes in the rearview mirror for a few seconds before the man dropped his focus back on the road. Tendo was sitting up front with him and seemed distracted as he hardly seemed to notice the typical erratic driving of the Marshall.

                “Some family,” he muttered quietly though he didn’t really mean it.

                “You’re more like Chuck than I thought.” It felt like a hit in the chest that brought back the anger and pain again. Whether it was the force of the hit or if Hermann had heard Raleigh’s comment that Newton just knew was meant as an insult and not a compliment he wasn’t sure, but there was a subtle shift in direction of Hermann’s ire.

                “Fuck you,” Newton whispered, looking out that window with determination to keep the tears from welling up in his eyes. It hurt and surprised him, Raleigh had doubted him but he’d always treated him with a certain sense of tact even during those times he’d been subtly insinuating that Newton was perhaps a little insane.

                “You have a good heart, Dr. Geiszler, but you’re too fucking stubborn for your own good,” Raleigh said in a more earnest tone as he realized he’d stepped over a line without intention. Newton ignored the attempt to explain, keeping his back turned the rest of the ride home and trying not to get too lost in that deep blue sea.

 

                Hermann hadn’t even come up to the room with him. He had hesitated outside the car for a few moments as Newton took his time on climbing out, but Newton had just told him to go when he realized that the man was waiting on him. Hermann had gone then; he’d gone straight through the lobby and out the front doors with Tendo close on his heels as they made their way to the restaurant across the street. Newton had suffered through an elevator ride with the other three, Herc’s eyes boring a hole into his back the entire way. When he reached the room he had curled up on the bed while he tried to get a feel for what he was going to say.

                When he felt certain he had a general approach ready he grabbed the laptop, wanting to do this face to face instead of listening to a disembodied voice on the other end of the line. He pulled up the video chat, dialing the number for Allison and waiting as the computer dinged quietly in its attempt to connect. It took a few moments which made sense, she wouldn’t have been expecting his call and it was probably still early in the morning in Hong Kong. Finally though the screen had popped up, Allison looking a little uncertain to be getting a call from him.

                “Hey Newt. Everything okay?” It must have still been early, Allison was put together like she’d been awake but she spoke in hushed tones that said she was consciously aware of Mac still being asleep. She was sitting with one lamp on, the light on the desk highlighting her face but leaving the rest of the room in dim shadow. She’d recently shaved one side of her head while leaving the other long, and it was neatly styled to one side with braids mixed in with the loose red strands. Newton had always thought it’d given her the look of a warrior and he had the thought now that Tendo apparently liked gingers.

                “Uh, yeah, but not really. Um…” Well, his plan on what to say had already slipped from his mind as Allison gave him a troubled look.

                “Newt, is everyone all right?” Newton blinked as he looked up at her, eyes having dipped down to the keyboard as he struggled to find the right way to say what he felt he needed to say. He was doubting that this was his place again, doubting whether he should really break apart whatever illusion Allison had of her relationship with her husband. He realized suddenly that she looked scared and felt horrible when he figured out why.

                “Oh, no, no Allie. Everyone is all right, I just…there’s something I feel like I have to tell you and I don’t know how to say it. So, I might just say it…and I feel really bad being the one to say it, because I’m not entirely certain that it’s ok for me to be saying it but if I don’t then I don’t know who will because I’m the only one that knows. Or, I think I’m the only one who knows at least and that sort of makes me feel responsible. I had figured out how I wanted to tell you before I called you but now it’s all gone and I’m just going to say it. I’m totally just going to say it…” He was panicking a little and Allison had narrowed her eyes at him and he wasn’t certain what that look was.

                “Newton, what do you feel you need to tell me?” She spoke gently, Allison was always gentle. She was really sweet even if she did tend to tease a bit incessantly though it would have probably been impossible to put up with Tendo as well as she did if Allie wasn’t able to bite back some. God, he was going to ruin this. “Just tell me what it is, honey. I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think.”

                “Tendo’s cheating on you with Herc.” He blurted the words out and then snapped his mouth shut before he stupidly went ahead and told her all the details. She sat for a long moment and he wasn’t certain if she was trying not to cry or what. It almost looked like she was trying to suppress a smile for a second before she shook her head.

                “I’m gonna kill him for putting you through this,” Allison said and Newton couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

                “Oh God, I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t not tell you. I saw them kiss, shit, sorry, you probably don’t need to know that. It’s been driving me insane, and wait…putting me through this? What about you?” Newton felt confused and now Allison really was trying to hold back a smile that looked like it was full of pity and understanding, and Newton was completely lost on how he was the one that she was upset for.

                “Newton, I know.”

                “What? No, I don’t think you get what I’m saying. Like, Tendo and Herc, they were like making out. It wasn’t Tendo’s usual friend kiss thing that he does when he’s drunk or anything, it was like full on making out.”

                “Newton, I know…” Allie said it patiently and he shook his head, taking a deep breath because she clearly wasn’t getting it and he apparently was going to have to spell it out for her and oh God, he felt a little like throwing up.

                “No, Allie, I….I’m like a hundred percent certain they’ve probably had sex.”

                “I know, Newton, I watched.” Newton froze as he stared at her feeling entirely certain he’d heard that wrong but Allison stared back patiently and looked like she was feeling some serious empathetic embarrassment for him just then. Newton’s mind must have blipped out for a few seconds before he suddenly felt a panicked and concerned push come through from Hermann’s end, the first time since they’re sort of argument that the man had made some conscious attempt to get Newton’s attention.

                “I…I’m sorry, what?” Newton mentally tried to soothe the worry he felt while not accidentally sending a mental imagine of what he was currently picturing in his head through to Hermann in return.

                “I know about Tendo and Herc. It’s something we actually discussed before you all left on tour, but Herc hadn’t felt certain about accepting yet.”

                “Wait, so you watched? You watched them have sex?” Allison started to laugh, covering her mouth as she glanced back towards the doorway and waited a beat to see if there were any sounds of Mac stirring. All she got instead was Max the dog lazily coming to look through the door, huffing before lying down in the threshold with a soft whine.

                “Tendo isn’t cheating on me with Herc, Newton. The two of us asked him if he was interested in being in a relationship with us both. Herc only recently decided that he was comfortable with it which is probably when you saw them making out. I told those two it would be easier if they were just open with you all and that it would back fire if they tried to keep it quiet until the tour was over.” Newton leaned back in his chair as Allison gave him a look as though wondering if he was ok. Hermann was still there in the back of his mind though he’d calmed some as Newton found his mental footing again. He was still a few steps behind as he tried to wrap his head around what Allison was saying.

                “So, the three of you will all together be a…couple or whatever you call it?”

                “Yes, that’s the plan. Tendo’s been a bit fond of Herc for a while and once I got to spend more time with him I’ve grown to feel the same. We weren’t really sure how Herc would respond even though we’d all gotten closer, but we decided to approach him to see how he would feel about entering into the relationship with us.”

                “So, how’s that gonna work? Are you all going to-“ Newton paused, realizing that he probably didn’t need to know all of the details but Allison just gave him a small knowing smirk. At the same time there was that part of his brain that was trying really hard to picture just what that would be like and this time he didn’t do such a good job at keeping it from slipping through to Hermann if the backlash of embarrassment was any indicator.

                “It will be just like any other committed relationship except there will be three of us instead of two. We have decided it might be better if we ease Herc into it a little so he’ll be exploring that part of the relationship with Tendo first until they get back. I’ll be present if they want me to be or they can have time to themselves.”

                “Oh…ah ha…wow…I…I feel like an asshole. I’ve been such an asshole today,” Newton said quietly with some horror.

                “Well, personally, I think it was justified. Like I said, I told them they should be upfront about it to avoid something like this. It’s their own fault really.”

                “I was kind of an ass to Hermann too…” Newton said with a wince. “That one’s my fault though. I may have sort of hinted that I was afraid he was interested in Tendo too.”

                “Oh honey,” Allison said with a shake of her head, “That one is on you.”  

 

                “He said what?” Tendo had asked Herc to hang back when Hermann had immediately suggested they go to dinner before they’d even had a chance to relax. Hermann had sat quietly until after they had bother ordered, the physicist ordering some brandy without a second thought. Tendo decided to be the adult one at the moment though it was difficult as he sighed and had ordered an iced tea instead. He wasn’t banned from drinking for good but he was determined to prove to both Allison and Herc that he was capable of not ordering a drink every time he went out for dinner.

                “He didn’t outright say it but he heavily implied it. He also implied that Herc would know about your true intentions with your displays of affection,” Hermann said with a huff, moving what was left of his meal around on his plate in a distracted manner. Tendo stared at Hermann for a long second before he groaned as he dropped his head in his hands. Allison was going to say ‘I told you so’ the moment he told her about this. No wonder Newton had been acted so hostile, the guy must have figured it out somehow and thought he was going behind Allie’s back. Not only that but he thought he was trying to steal Hermann too. Jesus, Allison was going to tell him off for this since it’d been his idea that it might be easier to tell everyone until they’d all gotten back to Hong Kong.

                Tendo lifted his head and found Hermann giving him one of those stares that plainly said the man had already guessed the truth and wasn’t amused. Hermann had accused him numerous times of always knowing things that he shouldn’t, but Hermann was pretty damn good at figuring them out as well. In fact, Tendo found it hard to believe that Hermann hadn’t guessed what Newton had been trying to hint at before in the conversation he’d just outlined for Tendo.

                “You knew.”

                “You had all but told me, Mr. Choi. Between mention of this list that you and your wife have together and then implying you were attempting to make Marshall Hansen jealous last night it was made rather clear that you were, at the least, attempting to convince the man to join your relationship,” Hermann said blandly before taking a sip of his drink.

                “Then why didn’t you say as much to Newton?” Hermann seemed to mule this over, a soft crease in his brow as he looked out over the small restaurant that didn’t look like much but had good food and apparently good brandy.

                “I likely would have if he hadn’t insisted on asking me if I’d tell him had I found someone else. After everything and he still does not understand that there is no one else,” Hermann said with a hint of that anger in his voice that had started the conversation. “Though that may be my fault as well. I’ve failed to make myself clear on so many things over the years that perhaps this is just another example of my shortcomings.”

                “You’re being a little hard on yourself, don’t you think Hermann?” Tendo had heard comments like that before where Hermann seemed to be taking the blame on himself whether it was deserved or not. He had always done it and Tendo was certain that it was a habit given to him by his father who seemed to blame Hermann for every little perceived shortcoming. Tendo had met the man a couple of times; once had been with Hermann and the other times had been through meetings with the heads of the PPDC that he’d attended. The man wasn’t evil necessarily, but he seemed to look down on everyone around him and his own children weren’t spared that treatment.

                Hermann made a noncommittal noise in response and Tendo sighed as he took another bite of his food. He had to fix things with Newton, especially for Herc’s sake. He could tell the guy had been taken completely off guard by Newton’s hostility towards him that afternoon, and the last thing Tendo wanted to have happen was for the misunderstanding to drive a wedge between any of them. Allie really was going to harass him about this the first moment she could. He became aware of the fact that Hermann had gone a bit stiff beside him at the table, and he looked over at him to find the man frowning down at his food.

                Tendo hesitated for a long minute as he watched Hermann. The man hadn’t seemed furiously mad or anything, but he had been angry and the last time that had happened things had gotten a little…uncomfortable for everyone. Tendo still stood firmly by the belief that Hermann wouldn’t have actually hurt him, but he knew that a scene in the middle of a restaurant would look bad for their group who was already appearing less stable than the world would like.

                “Hermann?” This seemed to pull the man out of his thoughts and back to the moment some as Hermann blinked and looked up at him. They made eye contact for a second before a blush crept up Hermann’s cheeks and he looked away in a distracted manner that had Tendo looking at him suspiciously.

                “I…I believe it may be best if we head back,” Hermann said, voice carefully measured which meant that something was wrong. Tendo immediately signaled for their waiter so they could pay. Hermann had eaten very little of his food so they threw it into a box quickly while they waited for the check. By the time they were ready to go Hermann seemed more at ease but he wouldn’t meet Tendo’s eyes. He stayed close and kept an eye on Hermann as they made their way back but whatever had the guy so spaced out didn’t seem to be the same as New York. “If I’m not mistaken Newton is speaking with your wife right now.” They had just entered the hotel lobby when Hermann decided to speak up and Tendo could tell by that tone of voice that whatever was being discussed was likely going to get him in trouble.

                “Lord help me,” Tendo said under his breath though he felt a little better when he heard Hermann chuckle at his misfortune.

 

                “So…what exactly is that like?” They heard the question as Hermann opened the door after having collected Marshall Hansen from the room. Hermann had stood quietly aside while Tendo explained what they thought was going on, and the man had cursed softly under his breath though Herc had almost seemed relieved. Hermann hadn’t heard the rude comment Newton had apparently made to the man earlier in the day, but Tendo had filled him in on it some before they’d gone and found Newton sulking by the car.

                Hermann had found himself hurt more than angry by the insinuation that he would cheat on Newton even with the knowledge that the man wasn’t trying to directly imply it. He’d been able to read enough of the jumbled mess in Newton’s mind during their previous conversation to know that it wasn’t Newton’s actual belief that Hermann was cheating. It was more the notion that Newton believed it completely plausible and even understandable if Hermann chose to do so in the future. It had stung and had made him doubt Newton’s commitment to them in turn though there was a large amount of relief he could feel now as they all stood silently in that doorway staring at Newton whose attention was so wrapped up in whatever he was discussing with Allison that he hadn’t noticed them. Hermann knew exactly what Newton was talking about with Allison. The man was unbelievable.

                “Um, it’s pretty gre-oh, hi Herc.” Allison cut herself off when Herc moved into the room first to stand just behind Newton. She didn’t seem that fazed as she gave Herc a small wave though her eyes were bright with amusement as Newton drew into himself some before turning to face the Marshall. “We were just talking about you.”

                “Oh, were you?” Herc said, raising an eyebrow at Newton though his eyes trailed to the computer screen to give that critical stare to Allison as well. It must have been extremely early in Hong Kong but Allison Choi always looked put together no matter when Hermann had seen her. Newton noticed the rest of them now, glancing nervously towards Tendo and Hermann while giving them a short wave.

                “Ah ha, yeah, uh, we were…in a totally appropriate not delving into your personal life sort of way,” Newton said as looked at him with a hint of pity through the computer screen. Hermann didn’t step in to help Newton out any, the man deserved that moment of awkward guilt that was running through him as Herc held him in place with a disconcerting stare.

                “Allie, love, you mind if I borrow Dr. Geiszler for a few minutes?”

                “Not at all, though be gentle with him Herc.” Herc nodded his head towards the hall, turning to start back out of the door and Newton scrambled to follow. He gave Hermann a wide-eyed look that was meant as a plea before he seemed to remember how ineffectual that would likely be and he ducked his head again. Hermann spared him some pity though as he passed, reaching out to take the man’s wrist discreetly for just a moment and he heard a burst of apology inside his head. When the door closed behind the two men Tendo went to the desk chair and dropped into it heavily with his best pathetic look.

                “I told you.”

                “I know,” Tendo said with a sigh, huffing as he rested his hand in his chin then gave his wife a wide grin. “Hi baby.”

                “Hello Tendo.”

                “So…what’s pretty great?”

                “Hi Hermann,” Allison said pointedly and Hermann gave a silent prayer that one of them had some sense of discretion as his face flushed red.

 

                “You realize that you could have just come and talked to me about it.” Herc had walked at a careful pace to the room he was sharing with Tendo and when they stepped inside he couldn’t help but think about the fact that they’d likely had sex on that bed that Herc was now choosing to sit down on the edge of. He decided to sit on the chair instead, pulling it away from the desk so that it could face the Marshall. He’d been wrong, Newton could admit when he was wrong but really how was he supposed to know this? I mean, Herc hadn’t really ever shown much interest in anyone ever since he’d known him much less interest in having a relationship with a married couple.

                “Yeah, how would that conversation have gone Herc? Hey, I saw you molest Tendo in the hallway. Are you two boning?” Newton said, fidgeting under Herc’s steady gaze. He hated being put on the spot by Herc, the guy knew how to make you squirm without even having to say a word and that just made Newton think of Chuck who had always managed to do the same thing. There were times when his friendship with Herc felt like a double edged sword full of reminders. Chuck had had more in common with his father than he would have ever admitted to.

                “It would have been a start. It would have been better than telling me to fuck off, mate,” Herc said and Newton flushed slightly.

                “Sorry about that. I thought you were an asshole at the time.”

                “I think you’re an asshole all the time but I’d still come talk to you about something like this before jumping to conclusion,” Herc said bluntly and, well, yeah Herc had always called him on things. He didn’t push when it was obviously something that made Newton uncomfortable but he’d always been straight forward with him. Really, even with Chuck he’d been straight forward in that terrifying I might kill you in your sleep sort of way. “You fuck things up with Dr. Gottlieb too?”

                “Maybe a little…”

                “What did you say?” Newton slumped back in the chair with a sigh, letting his head fall back against the headrest and regretting it when it proved to be uncomfortable to an amazing degree for something that was supposed to provide some level of comfort. He prodded a little at that connection with Hermann that he had realized he’d probably left pretty wide open the moment he’d seen the man standing in the doorway looking torn between whether he felt sorry for Newton or was taking pleasure in him being put on the spot. He’d also gotten the very clear picture that Hermann felt like he deserved some of the scrutiny.

                “I...I have no allusions when it comes to marriage and relationship, dude. I mean, my parents were kind of an entire extra level of messed up with everything so I know that things can fall apart and people can find other people who give them different things. I also know that people aren’t always honest and that sometimes they leave. People leave, a lot of people leave. But, Tendo and Allie always seemed too happy and perfect together. I think I kind of figured that if two people were going to make it work for forever it’d be them, but then I saw you and Tendo and that whole thing just kind of broke and so I became afraid because if Tendo and Allie couldn’t hold it together then what chance would I have at keeping Hermann happy. And I know he’s not like screwing around on the side right now but what if in the future I got to be too much to deal with or he found someone who didn’t piss him off so much or if he just fell out of love with me and I realized that I’d totally understand that but it also kind of terrified me. I just…I didn’t mean to say that I thought he would but I may have sort of said that I would understand if he _did_ and that I just hoped he would tell me.”

                Newton had to stop to take a deep breath and he held onto it for a moment before letting it out in a dramatic exhale and muttered _fuck._ He tilted his head so that he could look at Herc again instead of the ceiling. Herc stared back at him with that look that clearly said the man thought he was full of shit. He sat up a little straighter then as he ran his hands through his hair, messing it up with whatever product was still managing to cling to it after the full day and the photo shoot. He dropped his hands into his lap, staring down at them and just trying to wait because Herc was being quiet and he hated sitting in silence but the guy needed to say something. Herc needed to tell him he hadn’t fucked up that badly. He tried to trace the place when Hermann’s fingers had momentarily brushed along his wrist, a moment of purposeful contact as he’d walked past him but there had still been no word. There was still no definite response from the other end of their connection either as he tried to apologize all over again.

                “You’ll have to say it to him if you want him to believe it,” Herc said, suddenly drawing his attention upward as he leaned forward to tap Newton on the forehead lightly. “You two were doing good…not letting the drift speak for you before New York. You said so yourself so don’t slip into that shit, mate.”

                “Yeah, I know, I just…I’m scared because where I go is quiet and peaceful. But…that moment when I sort of glimpsed that place Hermann went when he was in that elevator…it was quiet but it wasn’t peaceful. I don’t want to do anything that might put him in that space again…”

                “And telling him that if he ever wanted to cheat on you you’d understand but you’d just like him to tell you?” Newton felt his face go warm with shame this time as Herc raised an eyebrow at him.

                “Yeah, no, I…Jesus,” Newton leaned forward to place his head between his knees, hands wrapped around the back of his head as he tried to shrink away into space. There was a moment that was full of hesitance before he felt Herc’s hand rest gently on the top of his head, ruffling his hair softly as Newton took a few deep breaths and tried to push his own mental space back in favor or remaining planted in reality. “I wasn’t even thinking…”

                “Doing a lot of that lately for being such a smartass.”

                “God, shut up,” Newton said with a soft laugh and Herc let his hand slip away so Newton could sit back up, elbows resting on his knees as he looked at blurry Herc over the frames of his glasses. “Hey?”

                “Yeah?”

                “Are you happy?” Herc paused, mirroring Newton’s posture as they sat with their heads almost touching. It reminded him of some of their quiet talks those first few weeks after Operation Pitfall was such a wonderful and painful success, sitting close and talking softly of things that seemed a little too heavy to really say. Herc’s reassurances that he’d be ok, that with time they’d both be ok because the pain didn’t go away but it faded a little. It became a background noise, a new baseline to life that just seemed to have that static of someone missing in every step and thought. Their talks had grown a little less frequent over the months but there were still moments like this where they slipped into that shared static burst of space.

                “I am. I…I wasn’t really sure about it at first. To be honest I’ve always had a little bit of a thing for Choi and meeting Allie, well, she’s just as full of life as he is. They remind me a little of…different times. I know it won’t ever be the same, can’t really…but they make it feel a little easier to take that next step.”

                “You feel it in your ribs?” Herc looked at him with blue eyes that seemed full of a joy he hadn’t seen in a long while.

                “Yeah, mate, I do.”

                “Good.”

 

                Hermann had come with him down to the pool even though it was clear he still wasn’t happy with Newton. When he had gone to head back to the room he’d passed Tendo in the hall who had given him a look that plainly said ‘good luck’ after giving him some shit for thinking he’d actually cheat on Allison. Newton had tried to tell the man he was sorry but Hermann had somewhat dismissed the attempt which had just made him feel even more uncertain about things. He had finally mentioned the pool because he needed to clear his head and it seemed the best place to do so. When Hermann had stood up from where he’d been reading some flimsy paperback he’d picked up at the airport in Ottawa and said he’d come with Newton had been surprised.

                They didn’t have the pool to themselves this time. There was a group of twenty something’s down at the outdoor end of the pool splashing and laughing so they had both stayed on the far other end. Hermann had pursed his lips, eying Newton’s tattoos for a moment but not speaking up to make the suggestion he cover them with a shirt. It did make Newton feel a little self-conscious though so he stayed kind of low in the water as he bobbed about near Hermann trying to figure out how to approach the subject.

                “Dr. Geiszler, I suggest if you wish to approach the subject you just do so,” Hermann said after they’d spent several minutes listening to the distant laughs of the other group. Newton sunk a little lower in an unconscious attempt to hide and Hermann tsked at him as he carefully swam over to his section of the water. Hermann managed to move well in the water though he seemed to tire out a little quickly and thus stayed close to the walls. When he came to join Newton in the center of the pool he purposefully pulled back some so they could be near that support again of the other man’s sake. “Very well, if you are to remain silent on the matter then I will start the conversation. Though I understand that your inquiries earlier in the day stemmed from your misunderstand of Tendo’s relationship with the Marshall I still found them to be…upsetting. I would have expected that you would know better than to believe I would ever be unfaithful though perhaps the fact you felt it would be justifiable is the more concerning detail.”

                Newton had drifted far enough back that he felt his shoulder bump the side of the pool and Hermann migrated towards it to place on hand on the edge so he could rest again. They were closer together than they had been since that moment in the dressing room. It had been like there had been a bubble of air that had kept them at a distance until Hermann made the conscious choice to pop it.

                “It’s not that I necessarily think that you would, Hermms, but I mean…shit happens doesn’t it? I mean…what if I get worse with time or something? You already constantly are looking out for me but what if it gets to where it’s just too much and you just get tired of dealing with it? Or you find someone who doesn’t just blank out or become an emotional mess or doesn’t have an anxiety issue that was already kind of bad at times before they hooked themselves up to an alien hive mind? What if you could find someone normal?” Someone else entered the pool and moved to sit in one of the chairs off to the side but Newton only spared them a short glance as he spoke. He was fighting that fear that Hermann would say he did want those things, trying not to pry to pull whatever the man was thinking in his head before he spoke it out loud.

                “And what if I get worse, Newton? Will you go seek someone you do not need to care for?” Newton sunk a little lower at the lash of bitter anger in Hermann’s voice and Hermann huffed before reaching out to pull him back to the side of the pool. “You’ll spot your glasses if you’re not careful.”

                “I wouldn’t leave if you got worse,” Newton said in a quiet voice as Hermann fussed.

                “Are you so certain? If you doubt whether I would stay are you certain that you will? Because I will get worse, Newton. Ignoring the possibility of us both experiencing detrimental effects on our mental functionality I, physically, will get worse-“

                “You don’t know that-“

                “Yes, yes I do. Do not interrupt me. It may not be a large deterioration but the likelihood that my mobility will decrease as I grow older is high. I have already begun to develop arthritis in the joint, days where it is more difficult for me to get about. It is not hard to conceive that in my older age those times will become more frequent and worsen in severity. If you have any doubts-“

                “I don’t! I…Hermann I don’t care. I’ll carry you around if I have to-“         

                “And I will do whatever I may need to do to take care of you.” Hermann spoke with earnest as he traced a line down along Newton’s jaw. They had drifted again and though they were both still next to the wall Newton was now trapped between it and Hermann who still had a hand resting on the edge. “Neither of us can say with absolute certainty that there will not come a time where something changes, however, I find that probability to be infinitesimally small where I am concerned. After ten years of falling in love with you, being with you through your worse and your best times, I have dealt with every aspect of your whole and I have not found anything that makes me doubt my commitment here. The only thing that has made me skeptical is whether or not you truly understand that and feel the same.”

                “I…” That had been a lot. That had been a lot and Newton could feel that uneasy doubt in his chest. Not because he didn’t feel the same way but that he felt exactly the same way and it terrified him a little. It scared him because he’d lost people who had meant the world to him and Hermann meant even more. It terrified him because speaking all of that out loud would leave some impression upon the malleable form of space, an impression for all to witness and exploit. Hermann was watching him with shielded emotions and Newton knew if he said so now, if he lied and said he didn’t feel the same, he wouldn’t get a chance to go back on the hurt it would cause. “I’ve put up with a lot of your shit too, you know?” Hermann got a confused look on his face, pulling his hand away and Newton scrambled to catch hold of it. “You’re a pain in the ass and a little bit of a suck up, but you can also be funny and sweet and gorgeous. The only reason I’d let you go is if you asked me to, because otherwise you better believe that I’ll be sticking around no matter what.”

                “Good…very good,” Hermann said as he gave him a shy sort of smile that was full of relief. “Perhaps we need to start trying to follow your guidelines on talking again? We seem to slip into old habits quickly if we don’t make a point of keeping our communication open.” Newton nodded enthusiastically at the suggestion as some of that distanced and guarded feel that Hermann had put up seemed to relax and fade. Newton slipped his arms around him, pulling Hermann closer so he really was trapped between the man and the side of the pool. It wasn’t perfect, it still took a few seconds before Hermann returned the embrace and some of that hurt lingered beneath the surface.

                “Talking is good. I want to talk about all the things,” he said with a soft huff, watching the other group from over Hermann’s shoulder. He wished they would leave so they could have the pool to themselves. It wasn’t the same with another group of people splashing about and Hermann was kissing his shoulder lightly now and he gave a soft hum. It wasn’t anything _illicit_ , it was Hermann after all; he wasn’t going to start groping him with people only a few feet away and even Newton was conscious of the guy sitting up in the lawn chair staring at them. “I’d like to say that I’ll never panic about it again but I’m pretty certain that’d be a lie, just so you know. I’m…I’m working on it still, yeah?”

                “I know,” Hermann said softly and Newton tightened his hold; glad that Hermann had understood. He had been doing better, still was but he still felt that nervous twist more often than he liked. He still lost his composure and disappeared into his head in the face of things that seemed like they were just too big to handle.

                “I think I may perhaps move to the hot tub for a while.” Hermann pulled back so that he could look Newton in the eyes with a soft frown on his face.

                “Oh, yeah, dude of course,” Newton said as he realized that Hermann’s leg was probably actually starting to hurt and the hot water and the jets would likely feel really good. He let his hold on the man loosen some though he was hesitant to really pull away. He didn’t want any of those hurt and raw feelings to creep back in between them. Hermann shifted though to pull himself out of the water and Newton watched him carefully to make sure he was steady. He caught sight of the guy sitting on the chair still watching them and he felt a little irritation at the attention. Newton was about to stick his tongue out immaturely at the man when he felt a small shock of recognition. Fucking Clark Kent. What was Clark Kent doing in Brazil? The man dropped his eyes down to his book as he seemed to realize he’d been recognized. Newton frowned, swimming along the edge of the pool slowly so that he was staying close to Hermann as the man moved to the hot tub to settle into the jets. He thought about joining him but he wanted to swim some more too, so he decided to just stick close to that side of the pool and glanced up to check on Hermann from time to time.  

                Hermann relaxed into the hot water and Newton swam his short laps back and forth, eventually losing himself a little with his focus. It had been years and years ago but he had once for a very short while been on a swim team at one of the universities. He’d loved being in the water but hadn’t been that great at the actual competing part; not to mention he had been so much younger than the others he’d been purposefully left out of a lot of things. Doing honest to goodness laps was harder than he remembered from back then, but he found his pace as he stopped every couple of laps to catch his breath and check on Hermann.

                He wasn’t certain how much time had passed when he felt a sort of growing apprehension that had him stopping mid-lap to look up at Hermann. The physicist wasn’t looking at him, instead glaring slightly off to the side of the pool with a touch of concern and something that whispered danger. Newton bristled a little as he followed Hermann’s gaze and his eyes met the stare of the Clark Kent wannabe who had gathered up his stuff but was standing by the chair watching him. Newton was torn between dual instincts; one that he was familiar from years of dealing with bullies that said if he stood his ground the danger would pass, and another that told him to slip beneath the water to hide and wait. The man turned finally to leave, walking back out of the pool the way he’d come without so much as touching the water during that entire time.

                “He is not bad looking but a bit of a creeper, no?” Newton jumped as the voice spoke in his ear and he found the younger group had moved back inside. One of the girls had swam up behind him without noticing and laughed at his startled expression. “Sinto muito. I didn’t mean to startle you. I just wished to say I like your tattoos. You are one of those scientists who save the world, are you not?”

                “Oh, ha, uh…no, no I-“ She raised an eyebrow at him as Newton tried to lie. He didn’t want to be recognized just then, to get asked questions without Herc’s commanding presence ensuring no one pushed or pried too far. She broke into a grin as he floundered though, swimming a bit closer and Newton saw her eyes stray up towards Hermann.

                “Ah, now I see. I am mistaken, you are too short to be that scientist. Too short and too old, however, the resemblance is still very ah…estranho. If you were such a man though I would say obrigado. Life is much more fun knowing it is not to end.” She kissed him on the cheek as one of her friends catcalled behind her and she pushed herself away from him through the water, giving him a wink before she turned to them all. “It is not him, oh well…” She announced to the group with a shrug.

                “Too old,” Newton muttered to himself as he felt the heat in his cheeks. He caught Hermann’s eyes this time as the man gave him an amused look, and Newton huffed as he floated towards the opening. The group was congregating on the side of the pool, seeming to debate whether they were ready to leave yet or not. Newton slipped outside, knowing that Hermann would follow in a short bit as he ducked his head under the water without caring about his glasses. Hermann would tut at him disapprovingly for getting them all spotted and risking losing them in the water, but Newton didn’t care as he let his mind drift for a few seconds until the wavy figure of Hermann appeared on the edge of the pool in front of him.

                Newton resurfaced beside where Hermann was carefully sitting down on the side of the pool, letting his calves hanging down into the water as he shook his head at him. Hermann kept the towel draped over his shoulders against the cooling night air and he slipped Newton’s glasses carefully off his face when he approached to settling in between his knees. The pool was shallow enough here that standing it was only waist deep on Newton and he stood waiting patiently for Hermann to slip his glasses back into place.

                “I told you that you would spot them,” Hermann said fondly as he came back into perfect focus with the rest of the world and he kissed Newton’s forehead.

                “Give him a proper kiss old man!” One of the kids shouted out at them, the group bursting into cheers of encouragement as Hermann flushed. Newton gave him an apologetic look but leaned forward to catch Hermann’s lips to silence the group though it was Hermann who deepened the kiss for a few long seconds with a hand resting on the back of Newton’s neck. The group broke out in applause as they broke away, Hermann giving them a glare from over the top of Newton’s shoulder. He waited until they were distracted with their own conversations again before speaking, a finger tracing along Newton’s tattoos where they ran along his clavicle in an absent minded way as that little wrinkle between his brows returned.

                “Did we know that man from somewhere?”

                “Hm? You mean Clark Kent?” Newton said, completely distracted by a water droplet that was slowly making its way down Hermann’s neck.

                “Though I saw the resemblance as well, Newton, I’m being serious,” Hermann said in a chastising tone that brought Newton’s eyes up to meet his.

                “I know, dude, it was that Clark Kent wannabe guy from San Fran. The one that was the ass during the panel,” Newton said and Hermann’s hand stilled. Newton gave a nervous laugh at the sudden wave of apprehension that rose back up inside of Hermann that triggered his own anxious twist. “I’m sure he’s just here to be an ass again. We have that round table question thingy…”

                “Hm, yes,” Hermann said, letting his hand slide down along Newton’s arm to find his hand and intertwined their fingers carefully. “We will have to let the Marshall know, perhaps he can head off any further tasteless questions from the man.” Hermann was trying to downplay the uncertainty he felt for Newton’s sake, and some of that projected wave of emotion waned a little for him. “Now, how much longer do you intend to prune yourself tonight Dr. Geiszler?”

 

                Newton had stayed in the water a while longer before climbing out to join Hermann on one of the deck chairs. The other group had all left a short while ago leaving them in silence at last and Newton had clambered onto the chair with him to curl up against his side. He shivered some in the cold and Hermann turned his head to press a kiss against Newton’s forehead. Hermann was dwelling on the man who had been sitting on the side of the pool, feeling extremely uncomfortable with the realization that he was the man from San Francisco. He’d noticed him originally in an off handed sort of way assuming the man had issue with the public display of affection that had passed between Newton and him. It was when he’d later caught the man watching Newton with an intent focus as Dr. Geiszler swam short and slightly clumsy laps that he’d set off a small alarm in the back of Hermann’s mind.

                “Can I ask you something?” Newton pulled him out of his thoughts, voice soft and a little fatigued.

                “Of course,” Hermann said softly as he leaned to try and adjust the dryer of the two towels over them to keep Newton a bit warmer.

                “You said a while ago that you’d felt it too, that pull towards the ocean and the quiet depths.” Hermann hesitated, not certain he was comfortable with where this conversation may be headed. Newton was speaking quietly in that way he did when he wasn’t absolutely positive he understood something, that self-conscious lilt in his voice that so rarely occurred with the man who had always figured himself to be correct.

                “Yes, I recall the conversation.” Hermann said, trying to get some gauge on what Newton was thinking.

                “Was that true or were you just trying to downplay my issues with Herc?” Hermann pursed his lips feeling lost as to what the proper answer was for the question. He’d felt an echo of that dark blue space with its distant fractals of sunlight and empty silence. He couldn’t say he’d ever drifted there in quite the way that Newton had, he had never lost himself in that place for seconds or even minutes when Newton was at his worst. He had experienced it though, he felt the tug of a current that wasn’t truly there or tasted salt water upon his tongue. Most times it happened were when Newton seemed to be experiencing it himself though and so echo was perhaps the most adequate way of relating his experience.

                “I have felt it though I would say it has always been in relation to a time where you seem to have mentally gone to that place. I would not be able to say that I’ve felt it without your influence, not with absolute certainty.” He longed once more to be able to better feel what Newton was feeling just then as the man made a quiet noise that was hard to read. They laid there for a long second as Hermann tracked some satellite that was dim but had caught his eye as it moved across the sky.

                “Could you try? If I close myself off for a bit, could you try and see if you can reach it?”

                “I don’t know if that would be advisable, Newton…” Newton sat up, back to Hermann as his shoulders slumped a little and he shook his head.

                “Yeah, no…you’re right. I just…it’d be nice to know…never mind.” Hermann sat up carefully, putting a hand on Newton’s shoulder and pulling him back against his chest. “It’s not important, it was just a thought, forget about it…” Newton was speaking in that rambling sort of way he had when something was bothering him or he was trying to keep something a secret. Hermann pressed his lips against Newton’s shoulder, contemplating the suggestion. It could be a horrible idea, trying to purposefully lose himself within that headspace that hadn’t existed before the drift. It could also lead to nothing at all, just an experiment that reached a conclusion.

                “There could be risks to doing so, Newton…”

                “I know, I know, it was stupid, it’d just be nice to know that there’s somewhere peaceful you can go too, you know? That it’s not just…” Hermann stilled as he realized what Newton was getting at. He had thought it was an experiment for Newton, to assure himself that he wasn’t the only one who could drift away into that place that he so frequently seemed to inhabit. Instead it was for him, it was Newton’s fear for him because of that place he had fallen into back in New York when his anger and guilt had built up around him like prison walls.

                “Perhaps we could try just this once,” Hermann said softly and Newton turned to face him, face scrunched up in skepticism as he tried to gauge if Hermann was being serious. Hermann wasn’t even entirely positive that he was being serious in that moment to agree to this, but there was a part of him that wished for some sign that there might be a touch of that place Newton found so dear inside of him as well. He could still retreat into that quiet forest of green hues speckled by shadow like freckles upon an iris; sunlit hues of yellow and amber that seemed to glow, but he understood that wasn’t the same as what Newton experienced despite his attempts to assure the Marshall of just that. He didn’t get lost inside his mental space, he couldn’t feel the cool breezes or smell the moss that clung to bark and stone.

                “Are you sure? We don’t have to…” Newton sounded hesitant but hopeful and Hermann nodded once sharply before he could change his mind and see reason once more. “Oh, ok…here, I’ll make sure I’m not like interfering at all, ok? And you can just…I don’t know…try to reach out to it or something?” Newton frowned in concentration and Hermann could feel that connection between them go a bit quieter, a receding of some familiar presence that he wasn’t always aware of until it pulled away. He took a deep breath to steel himself, hoping that this would not turn out to be a colossal mistake as he closed his eyes and tried to picture that place.

                At first nothing happened and he felt a mix of relief and frustration as he tried to conjure up some hint of that underwater landscape. It happened slowly so that he didn’t realize it at first as there was a pull of current that had him swaying slow and steady. By the time he understood that he had tapped into that mental ocean he felt like he was floating, going with the tug of a current and the cool engulfing nature of the sea. He startled out of it when he found he could see the landscape of rocks and coral along the floor of that ocean, opening his eyes and finding Newton staring back at him wide-eyed and slack jawed.

                “Dude, ok, I completely get why that freaks you guys out now…” Newton tugged Hermann against him, peppering a couple of kisses across his cheeks before intently staring into his eyes as he sat so close that Hermann could see nothing else. “You’re ok though, right? You found it, I felt it; you’re really not very good at shutting off your projection Hermms.” Newton was rambling again and Hermann suddenly sensed the slight panic in the man’s chest and tried to find some way to calm it as he cupped the man’s face in his hands.

                “I’m fine, Newton, it’s quite all right. I did find it, yes, and I seem to be unscathed for doing so,” he said softly and Newton took a deep and stuttered breath before giving Hermann a shaky sort of smile.

                “It’s nice though, yeah? Like a little get away?” Hermann rolled his eyes slightly as he rested their foreheads together. It had been pleasant in a way though he had no wish to push the boundaries of how frequently one could make use of such a place before one couldn’t find the way back. 

                “Yes, it wasn’t entirely deplorable,” Hermann said bluntly which managed to elicit a short bark of laughter from Newton that Hermann cut off with a kiss before resting their foreheads together. “I suggest we now take a break from any mental experiments for a while.”

                “Yeah…yeah, no totally. No more,” Newton said, giving Hermann a little grin. It wouldn’t be much longer before they chose to head up to bed, and only once in the halls did Hermann feel as though they were being watched.

 


	12. Long is the road that leads me home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They reach Germany!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There should be a better summary for this chapter. I will probably update the summary for this chapter at some point. There is some injury mentioned in this chapter. Nothing too overly graphic and it's not actually like the act of getting injured but a conversation about injuries, but just in case. 
> 
> Chapter title from Cold is the Night by the Oh Hello's.

                Brazil continued at a lazy pace that was followed by a small and hectic few days in Peru. The six days they spent there seemed short for a country that had housed a former Shatterdome but it was all they’d been allotted so they once more were rushing between interviews and panels. Hermann and Newton had another talk about their data on the breach and Kaiju and this one went smoothly without any hitches along the way. In what little downtime they had Hermann was attempting to make a point of opening up discussions with Newton to try and keep them from slipping into the older habits. Newton was trying as well, approaching things here and there though they both seemed to dance around anything involving those last few tense months at the Hong Kong Shatterdome before the clock had been stopped.

                It was their last night in Peru that they had the final panel discussion before they’d be whisked away for the start of their European tour; a flight that  none of them were looking forward to as it’d take almost fifteen hours to reach their first destination of Berlin. Hermann had mixed feelings on their destination as it meant seeing Karla, Vanessa and baby Adalia but there was also the chance that his father would show up at some point and ruin a perfectly good day in person.

                “You know the other’s will keep him away from you if he tried to approach you at one of the events,” Newton said quietly as they were getting ready in their room. Hermann had tried to restrain some of his outward projecting of his feelings some since Newton had commented on it, but he apparently was not doing as well as he’d hoped. Newton was less getting ready than lying lazily on the bed where he’d allowed himself to fall back in dramatic fashion a few seconds prior. His suit was disheveled and sleeves rolled up which would have been concerning if that wasn’t simply Newton’s fashion sense. Hermann pressed his lips in a thin line as he examined himself in the mirror, making sure his collar was straight and fussing more than was necessary with his vest. “Hermann?”

                “I will have to face the man eventually, Newton, I cannot simply avoid him for the rest of my life,” Hermann said with a sigh, looking at his partner in the mirror as Newton tilted his head back to look up at him in turn. Hermann wished they had more time, less things to worry about so that they could be solidifying the foundation of this unstable thing they’d tumbled into with each other. He had waited for ten years to be with Newton, however, a few months of having to put off really getting to know each other in these new roles of theirs couldn’t be that unbearable. The problem is they had taken on these new roles already with so little time to understand where they stood.

                “Sure you can, Hermms. You just have to be creative,” Newton said with a sad little small, rolling over onto his stomach so he could look at him a little easier and thus completely wrinkling his shirt. “You look good. You always look good.” Hermann blushed a little, dropping his eyes away from Newton’s reflection. He felt a little push in the back of his mind, a sense of loving and longing that mixed with his own. Newton had, in turn, been doing his best to project things at Hermann more and try not to leave the man in any doubt what he was thinking. It wasn’t usually difficult to know what Newton was thinking since he was more than willing to say it most times, though that had been tempered some since the trauma of…everything.

                “Thank you, Newton. You, on the other hand, look a mess,” Hermann said fondly, turning to look directly at the man and Newton made a face at him before rolling off the bed. He managed to catch himself on his feet though it was a near thing as he stumbled awkwardly and then straightened out with a smile, smoothing his shirt back into some semblance of order. “Come here, darling.”

                “Yes sir,” Newton said with a soft grin, stepping up to Hermann and stretching his neck upward. Hermann frowned lightly at him before trailing a finger down along the curve of his neck which caused Newton to shiver lightly before he started the custom of tying Newton’s tie into place. “I wish we had more time too…”

                “Hm, we still have several more months though at least once we hit Europe there will be less time spent traveling for a while,” Hermann said, focusing on making sure he got the knot straight and tucked properly into place. Newton watched him, hands tugging at the fabric of his vest lightly. They still had yet to be physical with each other again despite there being no lack of desire between them. They were either too exhausted though when they got back from the interviews or talks or it hadn’t felt like the right timing. Hermann wanted to have time, to take their time whenever they next tangled themselves into each other. He finished by smoothing Newton’s collar down, taking a second to place a kiss against the man’s jaw while Newton still had his neck craned. He was about to pull away when Newton caught him in a hug, arms wrapping around his waist and pulling him close.

                “After this I think we should go away somewhere just the two of us for a while.” Newton spoke against his shoulder, nuzzling into Hermann as the physicist settled his arms around him. Hermann had been thinking about the same things, taking some of the time due to them for a small vacation, one that didn’t involve the ghosts of their past and hopefully with a hotel that was still functional this time. Newton made a quiet noise of amusement that fell slightly flat as he picked up on Hermann’s thoughts. “Yeah, we’re not doing that sort of vacation again.”

                “I was actually thinking we could travel somewhere that will be ridiculously priced and completely separate from anything to do with the PPDC or our research,” Hermann said as he dropped a kiss on the top of Newton’s head. “Preferably quiet as well.”

                “That sounds really nice. We’ll have to look where we might want to go,” Newton said, huffing as they heard the knock on their door. It was time to get going for the panel and Newton pulled away though he snuck a quick peck in before he moved to open the door. Hermann grabbed his cane from where it was leaning against the dresser, smoothing his vest into place when he saw that Newton had purposefully crumpled it. It was Raleigh and Mako at their door, the two of them looking less formal but no less put together. Their outfits compliments each other, dark blues and grey tones in both which was likely unintentional with the two but came with a wardrobe born of a more militant life.

                “Are you ready for another round of interrogation?” Mako said jokingly to Newton, linking her arm with his as he stepped out of the room and they started down the hall. Raleigh held back, waiting on Hermann to make sure he had a room key before they would follow behind to start down towards the car.

 

                The questions were far more than just routine anymore. Most of them they were able to answer almost automatically as it seemed people were uncreative and wanted to all know the same things. Every now and then they’d get asked a unique question that made them stop and think or someone would put a new spin on things but most the time it was a predictable formula. A large portion of the questions, perhaps roughly sixty-five of them were centered on Mako and Raleigh. Around fifty percent of the questions directed towards them were about their relationship and the other half were about those they had lost. The remaining forty-five percent of the questions ask to the group at whole could be broken down as follows: twenty-five percent were to Herc and dealt with his new position, his history as a Jaeger pilot, and his son; ten percent of the questions were directed towards Tendo and dealt with the technical aspects of LOCCENT, his personal life with his wife and kid and his knowledge on the classification of the Kaiju who had made it through the breach; the remaining ten percent were contributed to Hermann and Newton both about the drift.

                Hermann perhaps had been paying less attention than he should have been as he broke down the fractional distribution of panel questions in the back of his mind. He was glad that they continued to experience a smaller share of the attention though the questions asked of them were often more difficult. They had to carefully dance around the effects of the drift with the Kaiju, make sure they didn’t speak on the things that could raise alarm seeing as how they’d been under scrutiny since the beginning of the trip. There was also the careful navigation of Newton’s anxiety levels though they had evened out with the constant cycle of familiar questions. Instead of spikes of fear and tension there was just a simply steady stream of it and perhaps that wasn’t really better. Newton seemed to handle it with more ease this way at least. That’s why the sudden spike hit him as hard as it did along with being pulled from his thoughts by Newton grabbing his hand beneath the table.

                Hermann sat up a little straighter as he glanced at Newton and then over the man’s head at Herc. He should have been paying attention because he was at a loss for what the timid young woman had asked that had triggered such a panicked response in Newton. The biologist was sitting silently, staring down at the table with a determined frown as he gripped Hermann’s hand tightly. Hermann did the only thing he could; he gave Newton’s hand a gentle squeeze and attempted to send comforting thoughts in the man’s direction. Newton finally shifted in his seat and cleared his throat to answer whatever had been asked as Herc subtly rested an arm over the back of Newton’s chair.

                “I, ah, Chuck was my friend…my best friend, and yeah, we sort of had a thing too. But, before anything else he was my closest friend over the last couple of years. A lot of people kind of thought he was an ass, and well…ok, so he could be sometimes but he actually really cared a lot. I think he cared too much and I think he was scared what would happen when all this had ended and you all didn’t need him to be that person anymore. He was…” Hermann’s eyes had shut as he swallowed down regret. He should have been paying attention, they had all known the question would come eventually after New York and he should have been prepared for it to happen. Newton glanced at him, giving him a sad sort of smile through the tears in his eyes and Herc shifted the arm up so it was draped over Newton’s shoulders.

                “He was smart. Like, a lot of people don’t even realize that but he was. He helped work on the coding for Striker and he helped Mako out some with G. Danger too. He could have been doing all sorts of amazing shit right now if he was here. Another thing is he loved Shakespeare and he’d be so pissed I was telling you all that right now.” Tendo gave a short laugh from his seat on the other side of the Marshall, shaking his head softly. “So yeah, you probably were expecting different when you wanted me to tell you about him…or rather us, but that’s really. It’s hard to…”

                “That was more than enough, darling,” Hermann whispered quietly to Newton as he leaned close, both hands encompassing Newton’s as he felt a small tremor go through him.

                “I think we can move onto the next question now,” Raleigh said with his casual drawl, easy going and calm as he took the reins to move things along as Tendo seemed a little choked up. The girl said a quiet thank you before she ducked away from the microphone seeming a bit embarrassed for having asked the question. Newton was quiet through the rest of the questions though there were no distinct alarm bells set off by the level of emotion he was feeling as it leaked through to Hermann. The man had handled the inevitable question of his relationship with Chuck far better than Hermann had hoped though that did little to ease his own sting of guilt at not being prepared himself.

 

                He was ok. He really was ok. Newton tried to repeat the silent mantra to himself through the rest of the questions to keep any of the pain or panic from taking over. He had expected it to, had sat there after the girl had asked him if he’d been with Chuck and if he could tell them anything about him, and he had just expected it to consume him like it had in previous moments over the last few months. He had gripped onto Hermann tightly in desperate need for an anchor, had known the physicist hadn’t been listening by the alarmed confusion that had suddenly hit him followed by the flood of concerned comforting. Still, he had waited for it to eat him alive and drag him down with the pain of loss. For those memories to resurface to haunt his living moments once more.

                And it had hurt; it had left a hollow pit inside of him as he had to try and drag out what he’d lost for that room full of people to see. It had been terrifying to speak about it while expecting at any moment for the all-consuming sadness to suck him down again. It hadn’t. It had been close but he’d managed; he had told them some of his favorite things about Chuck that none of them had seen. Hermann had held onto him and told him he was enough; Herc had anchored him without words and had helped to keep Newton from drifting away. He was ok.

                He was ok when Tendo had caught him behind stage afterwards and had somewhat tearfully told him he’d done well. He was ok even if he started to cry on the way back to the hotel, burying himself into Hermann’s side as he tried to hide the tears. He was ok as Mako gave him a long and lingering hug in the hallway outside their room.

                Even now as he sat on the bed of their hotel room Newton was ok. He sat with his back pressed against the headboard, knees pulled up to his chest as Hermann kept an eye on him while trying to pack their bags for the morning. Newton watched Hermann as well, keeping an eye on the man’s unsteady gait as he moved to check that nothing which wouldn’t be essential in the morning was left behind in the small bathroom. They hadn’t really said anything to each other since Hermann had told him he’d said enough at the panel. Newton was ok but Hermann didn’t feel like he was.

                It was an echo of something familiar. He hadn’t been lying, Hermann was shit at quieting his thoughts that seemed to project outward constantly, but whatever this was he kept it quiet. A worrying buzz that lay behind the thoughts of neatly folded clothes and toiletries in small plastic bags. It had started at the panel but Newton hadn’t really taken notice of it until they were in the quiet of the car as he curled up close to the man. It felt like something that had been there all along; buried deep beneath layers in a similar way which Hermann layered his clothing. It had been covered with mental cardigans and hand me down sweaters, suit jackets and calculations firing across neurons. It spoke of quiet mornings shattered by nightmares and a fearful swarm swelling up alone within the space of a hotel elevator. Newton wasn’t even certain Hermann was aware of it with the way he went about things as though there wasn’t something lurking in the white noise.

                “Do you wish to talk about it?” Hermann had reemerged from the bathroom, another small plastic bag in hand which he carefully tucked into a suitcase. The last of what they’d need to worry about that night, a satisfied thrum distorted by…whatever _that_ was.

                “Do you?” Newton hadn’t really intended to ask that but he couldn’t help it. It was that sense that something was wrong again, but there had been no argument this time. There wasn’t anger building, it was just Hermann and that something that felt like part of him but in a way that cancer is a part of someone. Malicious and undetectable as it ate away at its victim until it couldn’t be ignored any longer. Hermann was looking at him cautiously; either he hadn’t noticed it for himself or he didn’t realize that Newton _had_ noticed it. Newt wasn’t sure which he considered worse.

                “I…” Hermann didn’t seem certain how he was supposed to respond and Newton sighed as he stretched out, patting the space on the bed beside him. He waited as Hermann hesitantly walked over to him, lowering and pulling himself back so that he was sitting with his back to the headboard as well. He relaxed some when Newton snuggled up against him, head resting on Hermann’s shoulder as he wrapped his arms around the man. They settled into place, pressed along each other’s side and Hermann hugged him close.

                “Are you ok?”

                “I believe I should be the one asking that of you,” Hermann said quietly as Newton felt the weight of the man’s cheek rest against the top of his head. He could feel the vibration of Hermann’s voice in his chest, deep and resonating in his ear. There was no sense of purposeful deception in either Hermann’s tone or mind.

                “Hermann, are you ok?” He was greeted with silence the second time and that lurking…something got just a little louder. Newton pulled back from the physicist and turned to look him in the face only to find tears. “Hermms?” Newt shifted onto his knees as he cupped Hermann’s face in his hands, wiping at the tears that clung to the man’s lashes even as Hermann tried to shoo him away.

                “I apologize, I don’t know what I am so upset over,” Hermann said as he gave a frustrated sigh. He stopped trying to push Newton’s hands away though, instead nuzzling lightly into his touch as the tears flowed a bit more freely. When the quiet hiccupped sob broke Newton felt a sad ache in his bones as he pulled Hermann against him, arms wrapping tight around the man. “I’m sorry, this is inappropriate.”

                “Don’t apologize,” Newton said in a gently scolding tone, kissing the top of Hermann’s head, feeling the tears soak into his shirt.

                “I…I’m sorry I didn’t do more, that I wasn’t able to figure the entire mess out sooner, without putting you at risk or when there was still a better chance of closing the breach without losing so much. I’m sorry I’m not enough,” Hermann said between sobs that came with more force now. It scared Newton, that sudden crumbling strength that Hermann had wrapped himself in with that growing force that felt like static and fear and guilt that built up beneath it. It felt as though they’d traded places, a disorienting twist on their set roles over the months where Newton was the one falling apart and rambling while Hermann comforted. Now, when all indications would have pointed to a continuation of this pattern they had found themselves playing inverted roles.

                “Hermann, no, you’ve always been enough. Please,” Newton said desperate and fierce in the man’s ear. When Hermann shook his head he pulled back, cupped the man’s face again in his hands and made Hermms look at him. “You’re enough. Always have been and will be.” He pressed their foreheads together so he could keep Hermann close, keep his attention focused on him. They both startled as there was some flicker of movement off to the side and Newton pulled back sharply to find nothing was there. He was sure he’d seen it though, a movement like an unknown presence drifting close by. He didn’t have long to dwell on it though as he felt Hermann recede from him; could feel it as he pulled back and tried to push this all behind whatever barrier he’d been keeping it.

                “I apologize, that was…I believe I may just be overly tired,” Hermann said lamely, nudging Newton back from him so there was a bit more space between them.

                “It’s fine, really it’s fine. I’ve cried on you more time than I could probably count over the last few months alone, so it’s fine. Can we talk about it though? Can we talk about what just happened? Because to be honest, that wasn’t just you being overly tired Hermms. I’ve seen you overly tired on several occasions.” Hermann avoided Newton’s eyes, wiping at his own cheeks to rid himself of the last remaining tears but Newton could already feel what the answer was. “Please, we agreed we’d talk and not keep stuff quiet.”

                “I would not even know where to begin that discussion, Newton, I don’t…I don’t understand,” Hermann said in a lost and defeated tone. He sounded and looked exhausted now, still not meeting Newton’s focused gaze as he let his hands fall into his lap. Newton cautiously reached out and took one of Hermann’s hands, fighting back his own tears that were part fear and worry and part anger and hurt. Hermann crying wasn’t ok and it made everything seem that much worse. Newton had been ok, had managed talking about Chuck in front of strangers for the first time and now there was something that was eating away at Hermann that he wasn’t able to see. He couldn’t dissect it, couldn’t examine its parts to find out how to extract it; Hermann either wouldn’t or couldn’t allow him to.

                “It’s ok. That’s cool, we’ll figure it out. I mean, you’ve kept it together pretty fucking well dude maybe you need to have a little break down? But like, this whole you not being enough stuff, that’s bullshit ok, Hermms?” When that small crease in Hermann’s brow deepened as he frowned down at his lip Newton pressed his lips against it to try and smooth it away. When he went to pull away Hermann caught him, tugging him back and Newton gave a quiet sigh against Hermann’s lips. It was a slow and tender kiss full of those last ten years of want and a plea for patience. When they broke apart, eyes closed and fingers tightly gripping shirt fabric, they sat for a while on that threshold that they hadn’t quite dared to cross yet again. Hermann was the one who let go first, hands smoothing Newton’s shirt carefully into place leaving blazing trails across his skin beneath.

                “Perhaps we should get some rest?” Hermann didn’t sound convinced of his own suggestion but Newton nodded a little numbly as he pulled away. They settled in silence, Newton turning the light off as Hermann got the blankets pulled back for them both to slip under. Newton didn’t sleep much that night if any at all. He found now that he knew it was there he could focus on find that buzz in the back of Hermann’s mind and he tried to pin down that feeling. It was tucked away behind those walls once more though and it seemed to silence it just enough that all he could get was some whispered sense of responsibility. Being awake all night had its advantages at least. When the nightmares hit Hermann in the early morning hours Newton was already holding on and telling him it was all right.

 

                “Hermann!” He had to brace himself when he heard the joy-filled cry and moments later Vanessa was on him, wrapping her arms tightly around him and kissing his cheek affectionately. Karla was behind her in the crowd with Adalia in her arms and acting much more subdued and appropriate about the occasion. They had both wanted them to stay at their house, would have had the entire group there if there was room, but Hermann had quietly declined. Their early hours and late nights due to their obligations would be easier to handle from the confines of a hotel. It also allowed another barrier for his father to have to pass if he tried to visit. “Oh, it’s impossibly good to see you. Your sister hasn’t been able to shut up about her excitement.”

                “Really?” Hermann said skeptically as Vanessa pulled away to give him a look over with a soft frown that whispered of unspoken concern. She caught sight of Newton then though, giving Hermann a rushed peck on the kiss before she descended upon him in a whirlwind of camisole and love.

                “Dr. What’s your face!”

                “Hey you!” Hermann heard Newton laugh joyously as he swept Vanessa off her feet which was a feat for him given that she was a good six inches taller than the man. Karla stepped up to Hermann, cradling Adalia in one arm as she smiled at him softly and placed a hand on his cheek for a moment before smoothing to down to straighten his collar with a fond smile. She had that same troubled frown though as she looked him over and Hermann wondered for a second if he truly looked that horrible. It had been a long flight and he hadn’t slept well the night before. The lingering effects of the emotion that had crept up on him and seemed to blindside him had carried over into his sleep and he’d woken in a panic with the bitter taste of guilt and fear in his mouth.

                “Hey there baby brother. How about you actually meet your niece?” Karla carefully pushed Adalia towards him and Hermann floundered for a second as he protested while reaching to make sure she didn’t drop the precious little one. It ended up with Karla resting his cane against his bag nearby as Hermann cradled the small bundle while feeling terrified and joyous and…

                “She’s gorgeous,” he mumbled as he stared down at his niece, tiny and fussing quietly in his arms as he hugged her a bit closer.

                “Just like her momma,” Karla said proudly as she looked in Vanessa’s direction who was talking adamantly at Raleigh while her arm stayed draped over Newton’s shoulders. Raleigh looked completely overwhelmed but was listening intently to whatever she was talking about while Herc, Tendo and Mako attempted to make some sense of where the rental car pick up was.

                “Yes, she is,” Hermann said as he looked at his sister intently and he saw her cheeks color as she gave him a light scowl before smacking at his arm playfully. “Perhaps we should help them navigate their way to the car rentals before we leave them to other own devices?”

                “Oh, but watching them all look terrified and lost is so much more fun,” Karla said in a flat tone though she broke a small smile at him. “You…get to know your niece. I’ll go comment on the fact that Tendo could navigate the entire Pacific Ocean from a desk but can’t figure out a simple little airport.” Hermann laughed softly, looking back down at the fussing child in his arms and smiling fondly.

                “Well, look at you.” It was Vanessa again as she came up to stand beside him, cooing softly at Adalia. She’d dragged Newton over with her, leaving Raleigh to join the others as Karla attempted to direct them towards the car rental area. She was arguing jokingly with Tendo after insulting his navigation skills while she pointed out the directions. Newton and Hermann would be going with his sister and her family for now to have a short dinner before they dropped them off at the hotel later on. Newton stared quietly at Adalia with wide eyes before moving to take her from him carefully.

                “You’re doing it wrong,” Newton chastised as he slipped Adalia from Hermann’s arms. If Hermann looked poorly enough to get troubled looks from his sister and sister-in-law than Newton looked truly terrible. He’d confessed he hadn’t slept the night before after he’d spent a good hour calming Hermann down from the nightmares and trying to get him to talk about what they were. It wasn’t that Hermann was avoiding having a discussion with him as Newton had accused, but that he honestly remembered very little about the dreams once he was awake.

                “I am doing no such things, Dr. Geiszler, she was perfectly content in my arms,” Hermann said in an offended tone that had Vanessa giggling as she linked arms with him now that he had one free. Newton stuck his tongue out at Hermann playfully as he rocked Adalia; swaying and bouncing lightly in place as he cooed down at her.

                “You were just being polite, weren’t you Adalia? He needs to learn to support your head better and not to act like you’re a bomb about to go off in his arms,” Newton said in a sing song voice as the child gurgled up at him. Hermann scoffed though there was no hiding the smile on his face as he watched Newton who seemed to have some natural affinity for this. He’d had the same natural approach with Mako when she was younger. Newton never approached a child as though they were lesser but rather treated them with the same cadence and respect as he would an adult. It was likely something that came from having been treated as irrelevant when he was a child himself in those circles of adults that should have been his intellectual peers.

                “I was not-“ Hermann said with a soft huff as Vanessa patted his arm consolingly. Newton wasn’t listening anymore as it was as he started singing softly at Adalia some made up song while he made silly faces.

                “He’s good,” Vanessa said softly, bumping shoulders with him lightly. Hermann made a quiet noise in agreement, patting her hand gently with his as they shifted so she was taking some of his weight. He could feel her eyes on him as he watched Newton instead and after a moment she leaned up to kiss his cheek in a far less aggressive manner than before. “How are you both feeling?”

                “We have both had our up and downs,” Hermann said with a quiet sigh though there was some relief in voicing this to her in person. They had talked over the phone and through video chat but it hadn’t quite been the same as having her there. Vanessa had been his best friend for a long time when he was younger; her, Tendo and Newton were the only three he felt he could ever describe as such. “We are managing though, at least I believe we are. He is better than before.”

                “And you? Are you better?” They spoke quietly though there was little need in the crowded airport as people brushed past their group. He hesitated as he dwelled on the last few weeks and before he was capable of formulating his answer Tendo was coming up behind them and draping his arm over their shoulders.

                “Your sister really doesn’t understand how to give directions, Hermann, but I believe we’ve managed to ascertain where we need to go. You’ll let us know you two get in later on tonight, right? Or if you decide to stay?”

                “Yes, we will check in Mr. Choi,” Hermann said with a light shake of his head though he couldn’t blame Tendo for his concern. Hermann had told him about seeing that man at the pool and how it had made him uncomfortable the attention he was paying Newton. He also knew that Tendo had passed this information on to Herc by the way the man had stuck close to them throughout the remainder of their time in Brazil like he had taken on the job as their bodyguard.

                “Good. I’m looking forward to dinner at the end of the week, ‘Nessa. I’m gonna cuddle that baby like it’s my job,” Tendo said with a grin, sneaking a kiss in on Vanessa’s cheek as she laughed and pushed him away. Herc grabbed him by the back of the collar tugging him away with a subtle laugh.

                “All right, lover boy, let’s get moving. Send us a message later, Dr. Gottlieb,” Herc said with a pointed look. The rest of the group headed off into the crowd leaving them there to gather their own things and head out. Karla led the way as she kept Newton as a close distance as the man had so far refused to give Adalia up again as they maneuvered through the crowd. Vanessa stayed with Hermann, pulling his bag behind her so they could keep their arms linked as they walked. He knew she wanted to talk but there was little opportunity as they walked and even once they reached the car there was no privacy for the conversation she seemed to want to have. Instead she talked about what they were hoping they could do during the little free time they had. It had been a pleasant surprise that Herc had purposefully planned some time for them to spend with them amongst the chaos.

                Hermann and Newton ended up in the back seat with Adalia sitting between them in her car seat. She fell asleep quickly on the ride home and Newton reached across her car seat and tugged at Hermann’s sleeve until he gave him is hand to hold. Newton was watching him with a soft frown of concentration on his face and Hermann was uncertain whether he was attempting to communicate something or pry something from him so he gave him a questioning look. Newton responded to the look with a guilty flush, dropping his eyes to his lap before looking out the window. When Hermann looked forward again he found his sister watching them in the rearview mirror.

               

                “Have you put any thought into where you two are going to end up after this whole circus is over?” Vanessa was sitting at the table feeding Adalia while Karla finished up dinner for the rest of them. They had spent some time discussing what had happened since they last talked, but for Newton and Hermann both that mainly revolved around different interviews and panels. Hermann had mentioned what had happened the day before with Newton being asked about Chuck finally as he wished to leave that for Newton to decide he was ready to talk about. When he didn’t mention it Hermann let it go for the time being.

                “Ah, not really, or at least I haven’t? I think that will depend some of where the PPDC decides they want us though knowing Hermann he has it all planned out,” Newton said as he got the table set at Karla’s request. Really, Karla had asked Hermann to do it but Newton had insisted so that Hermann could stay sitting for a while longer. The long day on a plane had caused his knee stiffen and that familiar twinge run through his hip.

                “Hm, actually I am of the same mind. Though I would prefer to have a plan in place until we know for certain what the PPDC decides to do with us all once they are finished parading us around I see no point in getting too detailed. We do plan to take advantage of some long overdue vacation time however,” Hermann said, sipping at the tea that Karla had brought out for him. She was just through the small arch that led into the kitchen listening in as she tried to get the last few things done quickly.

                “You could try to settle somewhere around here,” she called out towards them and Hermann must have made a slight face at the suggestion as Vanessa gave a bark of laughter. “What? What did he say?” Karla called disapprovingly, appearing for a second from around the wall to shoot him a look.

                “It is not being close to you that sounds undesirable,” Hermann said in a placating tone and he saw Karla’s look soften some.  “We will likely still end up somewhere along the Pacific somewhere working within one of the Shatterdomes if they choose to reopen them as they are discussing.”

                “That’s if they don’t decide to shut us all down since that’s been on the table again too,” Newton said with a soft huff. Hermann could feel some of the man’s annoyance at the suggestion. There was little chance they’d be shut down completely for a while given the new public focus on the PPDC and its heroes. That didn’t necessarily mean they’d be approved to continue actual research opposed to simply being used as figureheads for the organization now that it was suddenly reinstated as being a legitimate sector approved once more by the UN.

                “Even if that is the case I doubt we will have any great difficulty finding somewhere else to work. Our positions have luckily made us desirable,” Hermann said with a placating tone to Newton’s annoyance. The man frowned though as he set the last of the plates down and Hermann watched him for some sign of his thoughts. Newton didn’t hold back on his opinion often but right then he seemed to be keeping quiet on something about what Hermann had said.

                “Well, I’m just saying that maybe if you two world famous scientists are able to lower yourselves to the level of us plebeians that it’d be nice having you close,” Karla said. Vanessa scoffed, looking down at Adalia with a smile as the infant seemed to decide she wasn’t hungry anymore and gave a large yawn instead.

                “Do you hear that, Ada? Your momma just called us plebeians,” she said in an admonishing tone before glancing up to give Karla a flirty smile. It pleased Hermann to see the two of them so happy and comfortable. There had been a while at the beginning of their relationship where Karla hadn’t felt comfortable with showing affection in front of other people much less family. This had been driven by Lars’ reaction to them and the fact that all the Gottlieb children struggled with showing their feelings.

                “I’m just saying, clearly we are not on the same level as our guests,” Karla said with a small smile before she disappeared back into the kitchen to finish up their meal.

                “Well, you are in the presence of a couple of rock stars,” Newton said jokingly, sitting down next to Hermann now that the table was set and taking a hold of his hand on the top of the table. Hermann rolled his eyes, linking their fingers together as Vanessa watched them quietly before she stood.

                “I better get a certain someone lying down before she falls asleep in my arms. Once that’s happened I’ll never be free,” she said, cooing lightly at Adalia before giving Hermann a wink and leaving them in relative solitude. They could still hear Karla getting things placed into bowls and on platters in the kitchen so Hermann spoke quietly as he squeezed Newton’s hand.

                “Is everything all right, darling?” Newton had lapsed a little into his thoughts again but he snapped to attention when Hermann spoke.

                “Hm, yeah, just thinking.”

                “About?” Newton glanced towards the kitchen and seemed hesitant even with it being just the two of them now. “Newton?”

                “Just not sure I want to do research anymore. I mean, I’ll work on stuff for the PPDC as long as they want to keep us but I don’t know. After that I’m just not really sure…” Newton said with a soft shrug as though it wasn’t a big deal that he was talking about abandoning his life’s work. He must have read Hermann’s shock because he shifted nervously for a second. “It’s…it’s not that I don’t love it all still. I mean, maybe I’ll just teach or something but I don’t know.”

                “How long have you been thinking about this?” Hermann tried to carefully monitor his thoughts and feelings. He didn’t want to influence Newton’s choice or to make him feel as though he had to do something simply due to Hermann’s thoughts on the subject. Newton’s thumb was drawing small circles along his wrist as he frowned down at the tabletop so to avoid Hermann’s eyes.

                “Not long. Really, like just since ah…Peru. Didn’t look forward much before that but with everything that had happened in New York. It’d be nice just to live quietly and have time,” Newton said with a sigh and there was a small twinge of fear in the back of his mind. “It worries me that we won’t have time. Whether it’s a short amount of time or we both live till we’re a hundred and fifty or some shit like that, it’d be nice to just…have as much of it together as possible.”

                “Newton, if this is about your fears over my health…”

                “Don’t tell me it’s all ok and that I’m worrying over nothing, Herms,” Newton said shortly and Hermann shut his mouth with a clack. “I…sorry, I just…neither of us know that we’re ‘ok’ Hermann. Not really. And something is wrong and don’t act like it isn’t. I don’t know what it is and maybe you don’t either but we both know something is there in that head of yours. Hell, maybe it’s in both our brains…” Newton grew quiet and Hermann pulled the man closer to him so he could slip his arms around him. Newton was right, it would be unfair to deny that there was something that felt wrong lurking. It was becoming more obvious that it was there between his break down the night before and the events of New York. The thing was that Newton was improving and getting better but the thing that was holding them both back now was Hermann himself.

                “Whatever it is, Newton, we will handle it. We have handled everything else thus far,” Hermann said as Newton just leaned into him. The biologist gave a quiet hollow little laugh but didn’t argue.

                “Didn’t mean to do this here. I’d just like this one day, you know?”

                “Yes, I do.”

                “Ha, yeah you do,” Newton said jokingly, tapping his temple as he attempted to lighten the mood that had likely taken a nosedive from where Vanessa had expected it to go when she had left them. Hermann did sneak a kiss though, pushing Newton back gently so that he could catch the man’s lips with his own so to draw that soft happy hum from Newton.

                “So, ah, I can take this back into the kitchen if you two need a little time,” Karla said and they pulled apart like they’d both been shocked. Karla looked very uncomfortable as she stood in the doorway with a platter in one hand and a bowl in another. Newton jumped up with an apology as he moved to take at least one of the items away from her with a bit of a shameful expression on his face. Karla held Hermann’s eyes for a long second; that concerned squint back as she studied him and he knew she’d likely heard at least the last portion of their conversation.

                “Sorry, Karla, couldn’t resist your brother’s stupid lips,” Newton said with a soft laugh as he tried to cover some of the emotion in his voice. He set the platter down as Karla found a place for the bowl that contained Brussel sprouts with butter while the platter had a pot roast laid out upon it. Vanessa appeared, smoothing her shirt out with a triumphant smile at having gotten Adalia laid down without too much fuss but she instantly seemed to pick up on the fact that she had missed something.

                “I think it’s a good thing you two are staying at the hotel if you’re going to be getting up to that sort of stuff. I don’t need to watch my brother make out with someone all week, no offense Newton,” Karla said, slipping into a far less affective casual tone as she stepped back into the kitchen to grab the last few items. She took slightly longer than was likely necessary before she reappeared, Vanessa slipping the bowl from her hand this time while placing a kiss on her cheek.

                “Aw man, I missed out on the gay make out session?” Vanessa said with mock disappointment, grinning at Newton as she set the gravy and potatoes down.

                “Don’t worry, they’ll be lots more where that came from,” Newton said brightly, leaving both Karla and Hermann both flushing as they all sat down to eat.

 

                After dinner Vanessa had lured Newton away with the promise of some disgusting pictures of injuries incurred while participating in ill-advised activities. They frequently shared horror stories of maladies they read about online and Hermann could hear them even now in the other room whispering about how gross whatever they had come across was in that awed way of children who found something both fascinating and disturbing. Karla handed him a glass of brandy before sitting down on the couch beside him, folding her legs up underneath her.

                “Vanessa said that he got asked about Chuck?” Karla said quietly, taking a sip of her brandy as she waited for his answer. How Vanessa had already heard was beyond him though it was possible it was already on the news across the globe. Things spread quickly and it typically moved even faster if it was something people could gossip and dwell on. He hoped that it wasn’t becoming too big of a hot topic though for Newton’s sake and perhaps for his own as well.

                “He handled it extremely well. He’s doing much better than he was just a few months ago,” Hermann said, glancing down at the amber liquid in his glass. “I think facing some of the things that haunted him helped. I still wish that whole ordeal had happened differently but I think it’s what he needed. A place that felt fitting to the memories that were haunting him.” Karla nodded softly in understanding and they sat for a few long moments. They weren’t uncomfortable, not between the two of them. They communicated through their silences, his sister and him, the quiet moments between words meant more since they’d so frequently been told not to say what was on their minds.

                “Perhaps he’s right. Maybe the two of you should drop out of the academic life after this. Live quiet somewhere away from the fuss. It doesn’t mean you have to stop studying what you love but just…” Karla huffed slightly and Hermann hesitated for a moment before reaching over to put his arm around his sister’s shoulder to draw her close. She stiffened for a second before scooting up next to him, curling against his side and snuggling there against him. “I’m supposed to be doing this, aren’t I? As the older sister…”

                “If it helps I find seeing you, all three of you, very comforting,” Hermann said with just a little hint of amusement in his voice. Karla wrapped her arms around him awkwardly, hugging him tight. “Don’t spill the brandy.”

                “Oh shut up,” Karla said with a startled laugh as she managed to do just that. Hermann tsked as he brushed the drops of alcohol off his shirt.

                “Waste of good alcohol,” he said with a shake of his head and she smacked him on the arms before curling up against him again so they could settle into the quiet place of unspoken words. Hermann sipped at his drink as he waited because he knew there would be more. Whatever Newton and Vanessa had come across in the next room must have been a particularly gruesome specimen as they heard the amazed and disgusted reactions. “How they can look at that stuff…”

                “Its morbid fascination mixed with their medical curiosity,” Karla said with a light shrug. “Vanessa looks some of it up in relation to what she reads in some of the medical journals she still gets and others she comes across on her own. Some of it is interesting.”

                “Dear God, she’s converted you.”

                “Hardly,” Karla said with a soft snort. “You don’t see me in there now, do you?” Karla rested her head against Hermann’s shoulder and took a deep breath. “What is it?” It took him a second to drift back to their conversation and he frowned softly as he tried to think of the best way to answer the question.

                “I’m not sure myself. It was just nightmares before where I’d wake up but not remember what the dreams were about. It scares me to be honest, it’s like that feeling we get as children where you’re certain there’s something inside the closet or behind the curtains, and if you pulled them back suddenly it’d be standing there watching. Only the closet is in my mind.” Karla looked up at him in surprise which Hermann couldn’t blame her for. He hadn’t truly expected himself to speak of it so plainly with her either. It had gone quiet in the other room and he knew that even if they weren’t listening that Newton knew what they were talking about.

                “Have you tried? Opening it?”

                “I’d rather not. New York it was as though it opened but just a crack and that…I do not think I should go forcing that particular door open wide.”

                “Kleiner bruder,” Karla said softly, leaning to press a kiss to his temple in a way that reminded Hermann of their mother. “Vielleicht wäre es besser, in dieser Dunkelheit zu starren.”  _Perhaps it would be better to stare into that darkness._

“Nein, ich fürchte , was ich finden würde starrte zurück.” _No, I fear what I would find staring back._ Karla gave a trouble hum, curling up a bit tighter against him as she rested her head back onto his shoulder. He wished he could have given her something comforting, some assurance that it was nothing, but in that moment he didn’t wish to hide. Hermann closed his eyes for a few seconds against the stinging in his eyes, focusing on the comforting presence of his sister of that tugging pull of some hidden space inside himself.

                    “So get this, guy lands wrong on a trampoline and it just like snaps his ankle completely in two. Like, bone sticking out foot barely attached sort of snapped.” Newton came from down the hall where the small office lay with Vanessa trailing behind him shaking her head lightly. “It was so gross but really kind of awesome. I mean, people let their kids play on those things.”

                    “We are not getting Adalia a trampoline,” Karla said flatly as she sat up a little more. “I am not dealing with snapped ankles.”

                    “If you’re not being rough on them they can be perfectly safe,” Vanessa said as she came to sit beside her wife as Newton perched himself on the arm of the couch by Hermann. He leaned and pressed a kiss to the top of Hermann’s head and he let his lips linger there for a few seconds.

                    “Mm, I think Herms and I should head out for the night,” he announced when he pulled away. He made a point to glance at his watch though it wasn’t completely necessary as it had gotten late. “But, we’ll need to figure out what we want to do when we get a day off in a couple of days. And, I know Tendo at least is looking forward to the big group dinner.”

                    “I think Tendo is just looking forward to food in general,” Karla said sarcastically. “But, we’ll see what we can get planned for a couple days from now. One of us can drive you to the hotel, it’s not far.”

                    “We’ll take a cab. You don’t need to inconvenience yourself,” Hermann said with a shake of his head but Karla leveled a look at him.

                    “One of us will drive you.”

                    “I call dibs!” Vanessa jumped off the couch and moved to grab her coat. Karla rolled her eyes lightly as she let Hermann finish off his brandy before taking the glass from him. She caught him in a brief hug when he stood up, holding him close for a few moments.

                    “Take care of yourself.”

                    “Of course,” Hermann said quietly before she released him and gave Vanessa a look.

                    “Don’t take too long.” Vanessa gave Karla a bright smile and a wink before they all started for the door.

                     The car ride was filled with idle chatter mainly produced by Vanessa and Newton. It had gotten late as the streets were relatively empty and the street lamps faded in and out as they drove along. The hotel was luckily not far at all so it was only a few minutes before they were pulling up to the lobby doors. Even with the short drive Hermann could feel the fatigue of the long trip setting in. It was as though being made aware of how much time had passed since he’d slept in a bed had caused all that built up exhaustion to hit him at once.

                    Vanessa hugged them both goodnight before driving off to leave Hermann and Newton to find their way inside. They dragged their things behind them to the front desk to retrieve the keycards being held there for them. It was a relief to find they were on the first floor of the hotel this time so there would be no elevator ride to wait through. Hermann lagged behind Newton some as they made their way down the hall to their room and Newton got the door open before he took Hermann’s bag away from him to get it set off to the side himself.

                    “We need to let the Marshall know we got in,” Hermann said as he lowered himself onto the edge of the bed trying to stifle a yawn.

                    “I’ll text him,” Newton said as he opened Hermann’s suitcase to rifle through for a second before tossing some pajamas towards him. They hit Hermann in the chest before falling flatly into his lap and he stared down at them wondering if it would be so terrible to just fall asleep in what he was wearing. Newton had paused to type a quick message to Herc but he looked at Hermann now with a small smirk. “Don’t make me change you into your jammies, Hermann.”

                    “I am not a child, Newton,” Hermann said with a glare that was proven ineffective as Newton came to stand in front of him and planted a kiss on his lips. “I am just very tired.”

                    “I know. Could always sleep naked,” Newton said jokingly as he tugged at Hermann’s shirt and gave him a look until he raised his arms. Hermann contemplated the option though it lacked a certain appeal. He had yet to completely wipe the thought of what could be on their bedspreads in these hotels from his mind. Perhaps if they were back at the Shatterdome in his room, not Newton’s, he would have considered it more seriously. Newton pulled his vest and shirt off at once which led to Hermann feeling slightly claustrophobic when it caught and the man had to work him free while apologizing. When it was finally pulled free Hermann could feel the static in his hair and Newton was trying hard not to laugh.

                    “I will take care of the rest,” Hermann said but Newton was already working on undoing his belt and pants as he stood close. Hermann didn’t wish to feel useless so he took advantage of the close proximity to do the same for Newton as their arms brushed against each other.

                    “Where should we go? When we’re done with all this where should we take our vacation?” Newton kissed his shoulder before he nudged Hermann back to make him lie back so he could pull his slacks off him easier. Lying down didn’t help Hermann feel any more motivated to go through the process of pulling on his pajamas as he stared up at the ceiling. He could tell Newton was trying to avoid the subject that lingered in the back of both their minds. This was easier, the show of affection and intimacy. They would talk but now when they were both exhausted with things still a bit raw it was better to wait. Newton had dropped down to his knees to undo Hermann’s shoes before he tugged at his pants and Hermann lifted his hips slightly until they slid completely free while taking his underwear with them.

                    “Hmm, it will depend on if we can get things books immediately after or if we must take a month or so beforehand to get things in place. I’ve always heard Maine is nice in the autumn or we could trying somewhere like Spain…”

                    “Iceland.”

                    “Why Iceland of all places?” Hermann said with a frown and he felt the bed shift as Newton climbed up over top of him. He was warm compared to the chill of the room as he crawled up along Hermann’s length and pressed a few kisses along his collarbone before moving to his neck. Hermann tilted his head back to give him more access as he felt that tug in his gut as it settled in his tired mind that he was naked with Newton on top of him.

                    “Quiet. Gorgeous,” Newton said against Hermann’s neck and it was hard to tell if he was speaking of Iceland or of Hermann. His words were a bit slurred with his own exhaustion which was likely weighing even heavier on him due to the lack of sleep the night before. Hermann lifted his hands up to toy with the buttons on Newton’s shirt, feeling them out so he could leave his neck extended and exposed for the man. “Haven’t been there. Can see the Northern Lights and have you to myself.” Hermann managed to work a button open and moved his hands down to find another.

                    “That does sound appealing,” Hermann said thoughtfully. Newton had reached his jaw by now and Herman finally tilted his chin down so he could find the man’s lips with his own. Newton smiled into the kiss before parting Hermann’s lips with his tongue and then Hermann pulled him down to deepen it. They poured themselves into that kiss, Newton’s hips settling between Hermann’s thighs as they pressed against each other. It was a slow intertwining of their two wholes that left them both breathless by the time their lips parted and Newton rested his forehead against Hermann’s as they fought to regain their breaths.

                    “I love you…” Newton opened his eyes to look down at him as Hermann’s hands resumed their business of unbuttoning the man’s shirt. There was a lot that was being said with those three words including all the things Newton was trying to avoid talking about for his sake.

                    “And I love you,” Hermann said in response as he got that last button freed and pushed Newton’s shirt back off his shoulders. Newton pressed a quick peck to his lips back he pulled back and shrugged the shirt off the rest of the way before he had to slip off the bed against to effectively kick his jeans off as well. Newton seemed to take a few moments to look over Hermann as he laid there and it made him feel almost self-conscious.

                    Their previous times together had been rushed and fevered collision where neither of them had really been completely bared to the other. He felt the heat in his face and he sat up feeling embarrassed as Newton looked away to find the small stash of supplies he had bought when they were still back in Canada.    He had to remind himself that it wasn’t the first time Newton had actually seen him naked considering the shared spaces of hotel rooms with someone he was intimate. Just as this was not his first time seeing Newton sans clothing though the circumstances changed things and he took a few moments to appreciate the man when he turned back around. He flushed more when Newton very purposefully focused a thought at him that seemed to land along the lines of how attractive he thought Hermann was.

                    “You’re gorgeous,” Newton said as he leaned forward to press his lips against Hermann’s again as he set the lube on the bed beside him. Hermann made a noise of disbelief but went along with it as Newton pressed him back down onto the bedspread. “I don’t know why you think differently.” Hermann frowned softly and Newton kissed the corner of his mouth with a sigh before nuzzling against Hermann’s neck and resting on top of him. “Make you believe it.”

                    “If you fall asleep, Dr. Geiszler, that will do little to convince me,” Hermann mumbled as his arms slipped around Newton and he had to stifle a yawn against the man’s shoulder which earned him a sleepy laugh. Newton’s hands slipped down along Hermann’s sides to his hips before he pushed himself up off of him some.                     “Mm, not that tired yet,” he said as he blindly felt around for the lube. He picked it up and uncapped it so he could pour some onto his fingers. “It would take more than a fifteen hour flight followed by family dinners to make me that tired.” Newton’s hand slipped down between Hermann’s legs and he pressed a slick finger against his opening gently.

                    He leaned down to kiss Hermann’s chest and shoulders as he carefully started to work Hermann open. That twist in Hermann’s gut tightened as he felt himself flush with pleasure this time. Newton kept mumbled sleepy little adorations at him. He could feel Newton’s erection brush against his hip. Hermann found Newton’s hips with his own hands and pulled them down against him when he felt ready. Newton moaned against his shoulder as he shifted to pull his hand free.

                      “This ok?” Newton shifted them both into position but paused as he ran a hand up along Hermann’s left thigh. Hermann adjusted his hips so that his knee was situated in a position that was comfortable while still leaving himself open for Newton.

                    “There,” Hermann said as Newton wiped his finger clean on the bedspread before taking Hermann’s hips in his hands. Newton gave a soft whine as he pushed inside of him, mumbling Hermann’s name under his breath as he seated himself inside him. Once he was fully inside Newton leaned down to lazily kiss him as he waited a few moments to let Hermann adjust before he started to move against him.

                    It was slow and a bit uncoordinated as Hermann wrapped his arms tight around Newton, fingers pressing into his back and his tongue ran along the back of Newton’s teeth. He moaned low and needy when he felt Newton’s cock brush against the right spot inside of him and his nerves sparked. Newton thrust a little quicker and his hands found Hermann’s, fingers linking together as he pulled out of the kiss and nuzzled against him. Their shared fatigue made everything melt away so it felt a bit like floating as lightening sparked between them until Newton was gasping his name in his ear as his hips jerked as he came inside of him. He laid heavily on Hermann for a few moments before kissing his cheek and he slide down his body as he trailed sloppy kisses until he got low enough to take Hermann’s erection into his mouth.

                    Hermann moaned, hands tangled into Newton’s hair as the man gave him a sloppy blow job. Newton hummed around him, sucked down along Hermann’s length as the physicist tugged lightly at his hair until he was pressing down on Newton’s head as he came. Newton swallowed around him until he was spent and then climbed up onto the bed beside him again as they both closed their eyes for a few moments. Hermann could feel as Newton started to drift off and he forced himself up, frowning with distaste as he cleaned himself off some with the bedspread before he did the same for Newton.

                    “Contributing to the filth of hotel rooms everywhere, Herms,” Newton said groggily as he cracked an eye open to look at him.

                    “I hardly doubt it will make a marked difference and we are not going to sleep like this,” Hermann said with a soft glare before he motioned for Newton to move off the bed. The man rolled himself over with great effort and was immediately back to lying down as soon as Hermann had pulled the bedspread off. When Hermann moved to change into his pajamas Newton gave a whine.

                    “Just come lie down so we can sleep,” Newton said with a huff and Hermann looked at the man. Newton appeared to be half asleep already and he felt his own exhaustion weigh on him. He huffed lightly as he folded his pajamas up and placed them on top of his suitcase before turning the main light off and carefully feeling his way to join Newton. He barely managed to get them both under the sheet before Newton was curled up against his side and snoring lightly. Hermann wasn’t far behind him as he hoped for a full night’s rest undisturbed by dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to have this chapter be all of Germany but I was trying to get it done before NaNoWriMo started and this seemed like an ok point to stop. Plus, if I had gotten all of the Germany trip in it'd probably be twice as long of a chapter. The next chapter probably won't be up until after November as I'm taking a hiatus to work on original writing stuff to NaNo. After that though I'll be dedicating a good chunk of time to get at least one if not a couple of updates done fairly quickly before Spring semester starts. :)
> 
> Also, thank you all for reading! I do love hearing feedback and talking head canons so you can talk to me on tumblr (I'm Basilintime there too).


	13. It's not the long walk home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Gottlieb family all gets together!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Roll away your Stone by Mumford & Sons. 
> 
> I had fun writing a whole lot of Gottlieb snark in this chapter. 
> 
> Continue to enjoy my inability to summarize!

               “It’s getting hard to remember which day it is.” Tendo was in their room, lying spread out on the still made second bed as Hermann frowned at himself in the mirror. Tendo had stopped by unannounced though Hermann had somewhat expected it when Herc had gone to try and track down the other three members of their group. Mako and Newton had dragged Raleigh off with them when they’d heard there was an arcade not far from the hotel.  The three had been gone for about an hour now and Herc had wanted to check on them. Hermann’s own anxiety had perhaps contributed to this considering Newton was supposed to be coming with him to dinner with Karla and Vanessa.

               Karla had called just a little while ago to tell him there was a surprise waiting for him when they got there and Hermann had been filled with a sense of dread. She typically would have come out and told him what to expect rather than keeping it quiet, and though she had sounded more excited than fearful; Hermann was still nervous. He had so far managed to avoid his father and he had been enjoying that avoidance to a rather large degree.  The dinner tonight hadn’t originally been planned either though the next morning they were supposed to all get together for the day.

               “It’s Thursday,” Hermann said distractedly to Tendo’s comment and the man gave a soft shake of his head as he sat up. Hermann met his eyes in the reflection of the mirror for a second as Tendo raised an eyebrow at him. “Yes, it has gotten rather difficult to keep track.”

               “You doing all right, my man? You seem a bit stressed.” Hermann turned to face him, smoothing his collar into place over his freshly knotted tie. “You don’t really think Karla would keep it quiet if it was your father that was the surprise.”

               “No, I don’t. However, I do not enjoy surprises. I prefer things to be predictable so this is rather an unwelcome addition,” Hermann said stiffly and Tendo had to suppress a smile as he stood up to adjust Hermann’s tie so it was a straighter.

               “Brother, you’ve submerged yourself in the unpredictable for the last ten years and you’re currently in a relationship with one of the most impulsive men I’ve probably ever met. If you hate surprises that much then I’ve got some rather terrible news for you,” Tendo said with a smirk and Hermann pushed him away lightly before grabbing his cane. “You’re still afraid this surprise is your father even knowing Karla wouldn’t do that, aren’t you?”

               “Yes.” Hermann gave a sigh as he glanced at his watch and felt an impatient twinge as he saw how soon they’d have to leave and yet there was still no sign of Newton. He focused this time, pushing that impatience in one particular mental direction and got an annoyed push back that had him hearing Newton’s sarcastic ‘God _Dad_ ’ in return. “Newton has yet to actually meet the man face to face and I fear how that inevitable convergence of forces is going to come to an end. If that is the surprise which Karla has-“

              “She would have just told you and you know that, Hermann. You’re worrying way too much,” Tendo said as he watched Hermann pace. “Is that all that’s bothering you?” Hermann took a deep breath as he tried to gauge his own emotions and anxiety but for once he could find very little that seemed wrong other than the fact he might have to face his father.

              “Surprisingly yes.” Tendo snorted at his terminology and Hermann shot him a scathing look even as the door to the room swung open to reveal Newton with the rest of their group in tow. Raleigh watched Mako and Newton ramble on about some fighting game with the sort of awe reserved for watching an explosive go off.

              “Mako, Mako, Mako; you poor uneducated little thing, Anna totally has way more powerful attacks than Nina. Nina’s attack set isn’t as powerful and has remained similar through all the games while Anna’s taken what her sister started off with and grown to improve it,” Newton was saying with a shake of his head. Mako watched him with a bland expression of disbelief as she followed him to where he flopped back into one of the chairs with a superior expression.

              “One; do not call me ‘uneducated’ or ‘little thing’ ever again. Two; Anna isn’t even a playable character in several of the games and when she first was introduced she was a copy-paste of Nina. Nina will always be the most skilled of the sisters,” Mako said with a touch of heat in her voice. Newton winced a little though he didn’t back down from his main point.

              “Ok, yes, you are far from uneducated though I still stand that you are a tiny little powerhouse who could give both the Williams sisters a run for their money if they were real. But, to discount Anna simply because she was a character that came later is ridiculous. You may as well say only the original characters are worth playing then if that’s going to be your platform of debate,” Newton said. Mako narrowed her eyes as she contemplated how best to respond.

              “They’ve been going on about this since before we left the arcade,” said Raleigh under his breath to Tendo as though he was afraid he’d get pulled into the argument if he was overheard.

              “Destined to happen the moment they saw that arcade, my man,” Tendo said with a laugh and gave Herc a wink when the Marshall came to stand beside him. The other two were still bickering though Mako seemed to have forgiven Newton already for his comment as she chose to force the man into scooting over to share the space in the chair which was minimal in the first place.

              “The original characters of course have had more time to develop the backstories, however, it would be unfair to say they are the only ones worth playing. Anna has her worth but much of her design came from her older sister. She may have eventually come into more of her own character but I would still hardly say she has become the stronger character,” Mako said with a soft huff. Hermann watched the two desperately wanting to interrupt so that Newton would get himself put together for dinner but also having no desire to interrupt the moment. It was reminisce of a different time before Newton had drifted and Mako had lost a family once more. The two had once had a specific time set aside each week where Pentecost would reluctantly allow Newton to take Mako to arcades or to set up a gaming system for them to play when she was young. Even then they’d had strong debates and terrible rivalries within each different game they had played.

              Newton had fully noticed Hermann by now, eyeing him as though he was realizing the effort and thought that had been put into how he was dressed. Hermann raised an impatient eyebrow before he glanced down at his watch and felt a nervous jolt at the time even being very aware they were dangerously close to running late. Well, late in relative terms to Hermann’s typical punctuality which was almost always early. It was expected that you were to be early to any engagement according to his father; God if it was his father…

              “Whelp, I can agree with them being equals then. Call it a draw,” Newton said casually, giving up on an argument for the first time in his life and doing it entirely for Hermann’s sake. Hermann could still hear the churning string of arguments that Newton had lined up in the back of his mind like an echo, but they’d been left unvoiced to leave a hollow space in their wake. Mako seemed a bit caught off guard by his sudden decision to fold in the middle of their game, but a meaningful glance in Dr. Gottlieb’s direction proved to be all she needed to catch the hint.

              “I can accept a draw in this case,” Mako said with a firm nod of her head as she shifted to get back up from the chair. Herc, who had been talking quietly off to the side with Tendo clapped Hermann lightly on the shoulder.

              “You two need anything tonight just give a call. We can send a car if you need one to get back, all right mate?”

              “Yes, thank you Marshall, though I’m sure it won’t be needed,” Hermann said as the group shuffled back out of their room to leave the two of them on their own. Newton still sat sprawled in the chair as he eyed Hermann and there was the subtle brush of his thoughts. It was becoming less difficult and more instinctive as more time went by; this unusual form of communication that had at some point over the last few weeks between Brazil and Peru had become almost normal. In a way it wasn’t that much different than their routine before the drift. It was a flow of conversation between them just without so many words and a bit more care had to be taken with secrets. There seemed to still be plenty of those as well, but not all of it was bad.

              “Did Karla say we were going out somewhere?” Newton watched him carefully for his reaction as he looked Hermann over again. It wasn’t atypical for him to dress nicely, but something in the way he was presenting himself or the tension of his thoughts must have given it away. Hermann tugged at his sweater vest to straighten it even more in a rather ineffectual manner before he answered.

              “No, just…she called and said there was a surprise. I am…concerned what it may be.” Newton’s lips twitched into a small smile as he pulled himself up out of the chair with all the grace of a cat. Granted, it was the grace of a cat who had wandered through a patch of catnip and now couldn’t keep its limbs from tangling and tripping itself up but there was still a hint of intended fluidity in the movement. Newton gave an embarrassed laugh as he regained some of his balance to stop in front of Hermann and tugged lightly on his collar.

              “Sorry, I had a couple of beers at the arcade. It was an arcade bar which is probably the best fusion possible. I’ll get ready though, I’ll be ready. What are you worried this surprise is? It’s not your birthday…” Newton frozen, hands resting on Hermann’s shoulders as his eyes grew wide. “It’s not your birthday, right? Honestly I haven’t been keeping track…”

              “No, Dr. Geiszler, it is not my birthday until next month. I believe we may be in Spain by then,” Hermann said with a soft sigh. He brushed some of Newton’s back off his forehead as the biologist relaxed again, fingers straighten to smooth along his collar once more.

              “Ok, good, sorry. What do you think the surprise is that you wore your best grandpa vest for?”

              “It is not a ‘grandpa vest’ Newton, for God’s sake…” Hermann stopped himself as he saw the look of amusement on Newton’s face. “I am concerned that it may be my father making an unexpected visit.” The smile slide off of Dr. Geiszler’s face then as his mouth formed an ‘Oh’.

              “Right, then I will make sure I look every bit a proper German gentleman,” Newton said, giving Hermann a quick peck before he moved to dig through his bags. “Is that like code or something for you Gottliebs? There’s a surprise means your father has descended upon your home like a plague?” Hermann let himself sit, lowering himself down to the edge of the bed as Newton tossed choice pieces of clothing off to the side. “You could always announce it by calling each other and just saying ‘a plague on both our houses’.” Newton laughed at his own joke as Hermann stared at his back with a raised eyebrow. A couple of beers likely was an underestimation of what the man had had to drink though Newton had always been a bit of a lightweight.

              “No, typically she would simply warn me that he had announced his intention of showing up. I am not certain what a ‘surprise’ would be but on the off chance that was the best warning she could manage in the moment I would rather be prepared. Are you certain you are feeling up to coming with me tonight? If you’d rather stay-“

              “What? No! Wouldn’t dream of it, Hermms. Especially if there’s the chance you might have to deal with that asshole,” Newton said with a frown as he appeared to have finally pulled loose what he intended to wear. He stood and started to strip down there, struggling to pull his shirt off over his head despite the fact that if he would just simply unbutton it the task would prove much easier.

              “Scheiße, come here,” Hermann said after he’d watched to fight go on for a few more seconds and Newton gave up as he wandered over to Hermann with arms still tangled in his shirt. Newton stood in front of him obediently as Hermann first tried to untangle the mess Newt had managed to make and then carefully unbutton the shirt for him. “Only a couple of beers?”

              “They were really good beers. We should go there before we have to leave for wherever we go next,” Newton said quietly before he managed to surprise Hermann with a gentle kiss placed on the top of his head. “I’ll grab some coffee from that little café downstairs before we go. Be soberish just in case. Promise.” Hermann got the last button undone on Newton’s shirt and he traced a line of ink for a moment before looking up at his partner.

              “Perhaps we will if we find some time. And, to be rather honest, sober or not is likely to make little difference to that man. He will find every reason to dislike you possible just for the sake of it, so do not fret too much Liebling. Now, I suggest you get changed unless you require further assistance.”

              “I can think of some things you can assist me with.”

              “Dr. Geiszler, please just get changed. We are running late as it is,” Hermann said with a roll of his eyes though he let Newton press their lips together for a quick and bruising kiss before shoving him gently away. He sat and watched Newton change, finding himself amazed when he approved of the outfit the man had chosen on the first try. He’d picked out a dark button up with two slightly varied tones of forest green in pinstripes and a pair of black slacks he’d brought for some of the more formal settings they’d been required to visit. The only change that Hermann made was instead of the abysmal black skinny tie he leant Newton one of his own that was black with a swirl of pinprick spots that made it resemble the night sky.

               They caught a cab out to his sister’s house after Newton insisted on buying himself the cup of coffee he swore would sober him up to be an intelligent and witty conversationalist. Hermann chose not to point out that Newton was very rarely witty and usually landed more on the side of offensive though his intelligence couldn’t be denied. When they arrived the two of them could hear laughter and chatter inside the house as they approached the front door to knock.

              “Dude, unless they’ve finally managed to get your dad unassimilated from the Borg I don’t think it’s your dad,” Newton said under his breath as Hermann raised his hand to knock. Hermann gave him a scathing look for the comment though he couldn’t stop of flash of amusement in his mind that elicited a grin from Dr. Geiszler. When the door swung open it was neither Karla of Vanessa who greeted them but Dietrich who immediately pulled Hermann into a bear hug.

              “Bruder! You’re late which means you are regulated to bedtime duties with the kid,” Dietrich said cheerfully as he stepped back from Hermann to look him over with a briefly skeptical eye. “Nessa tried to tell me I should do it but who would trust me with their child?”

              “Dietrich, I didn’t think you were coming until later in the week,” Hermann said with relief in his voice as he gave his older brother a smile. He could feel the tension run out of him as he realized that it was this simple; his surprise was Dietrich arriving early.

              “Ah, something came up that made me want to come earlier. Newton!” Dietrich tugged Newton into a hug next as the biologist gave a laugh. The two had always gotten along which had baffled Hermann in the beginning until he remembered that most of his family seemed drawn to boisterous types. Even the more stoic Karla had been drawn toward Vanessa and Hermann could no longer deny the gravitational pull Newton had always had on him. Dietrich was only different in the fact that his older brother was far more animated on his own compared to the rest of them.

              “You’re a bit overdressed, Dr. Gottlieb.” Vanessa had appeared with Adalia in her arms and looked him over with a raised eyebrow as she motioned for him to follow her further into the house. Newton and Dietrich followed behind them chattering with a familiarity born from his brother’s visits to various Shatterdome locations to see him throughout the years.

              “Karla said only that there was a surprise, not what that surprise was,” Hermann said with a sigh. “I figured it would be wise if we prepared for the worst.”

              “Oh honey, we didn’t even think that you might believe it was Lars who was the surprise. I figured you knew better than to think we’d keep that secret until you got here,” Vanessa said with honest contrition in her tone. Dietrich branched off into the living room as they walked and Newton paused in the hallway behind them. He seemed torn between continuing his conversation with the older brother or following Hermann to make sure he was all right so Hermann gave him a little mental nudge that he’d be fine and that Newton could feel free to go on his own.

              “I knew that Karla likely wouldn’t keep his presence quiet but I was concerned that maybe she couldn’t say more than that during the moment she called. She isn’t one to play coy about things so it threw me off, I believe. I cannot say why Dietrich being here early is such a surprise though. He’s always chosen to show up before he’s expected if at all possible,” Hermann said, catching sight of his sister slipping out of the dining room and smiling when she saw them two of them. Vanessa, on the other hand, had cringed slightly at the mention of Dietrich being the surprise and Hermann felt that concern wire itself up to his spine once more.

              “Dietrich wasn’t the surprise actually. We’re going to go try and get Adalia into bed early,” Vanessa said as she put a bright smile in place. “Karla why don’t you tell your brother where his actual surprise is before we do that.”

              “Oh,” Karla looked a bit surprised but then she narrowed her eyes at Hermann. “He’s pissed off isn’t he? I told you that he wouldn’t manage to just be excited for one second if we told him I was a surprise. My brother has grown to be a crotchety old man.”

              “To be fair you were the same exact way when Dietrich called to say he had a surprise for us, crotchety old woman, and you only eased off once you knew what the surprise ended up being so let allow Hermann a chance to feel like an ass just like you did.” Vanessa rolled her eyes at her wife who had a familiar sour expression on her face. “Hermann, in the kitchen and try not to walk in like you’re expecting an execution. Karla, let’s put our little bundle to bed so we can enjoy the evening once Hermann stops fearing the worst.” Karla huffed lightly though she did as she was told, the two of them leaving Hermann standing just outside the dining room as he could hear someone moving around in the kitchen so he knew the surprise was a person unless they had a large animal in there. He finally accepted his fate and moved through the dining room to the opening in the kitchen to step inside.

              It took Hermann a few moments to realize who he was looking at when he found himself watching someone’s back as they worked on prepping some food to cook. It had been almost seven years since he’d actually seen Bastian in person between his younger brother’s determination not to deal with their father and the hectic schedule he had needed to keep. Even when he had seen him last during Bastian’s only visit to him at a Shatterdome he’d gotten to spend little time with his brother as it had been the early years when there was still so much to learn and such a pressing need to get more and more jaegers up and out along the Pacific Rim.

              He looked different than Hermann remembered and yet the same all at once. He’d perhaps put on some muscle tone and was tanner than he remembered. He was also apparently keeping his hair long now as he had it pulled back in a messy sort of bun on the back of his head, dark curls spiraling this way and that. He wore jeans that were worn thin and torn and a brightly colored sweat shirt that looked thin and flimsy.

              Out of all of them Bastian had always looked the most like their mother with his curly hair and shorter stature. It was perhaps even more evident now than before. Hermann realized that perhaps it would be prudent to let the youngest member of their family know he was there before he was discovered.

              “Bastian?” The man startled a little at the sound of Hermann’s voice but turned with a warm smile as he grabbed a towel to wipe the juice from the vegetables he’d been slicing off his hands.

              “Hermann, you made it.” They stood for a few seconds both seeming to feel awkward in the moment or perhaps that was only Hermann. There was a large potential that it was only him as Bastian still managed to keep the warm smile on his face though it wavered uncertainly. “I hope my being here isn’t too terrible a surprise, bruder?”

              “Of course not, it’s wonderful. I simply wasn’t expecting it,” Hermann said feeling awkward now until he heard his brother’s once familiar laugh.

              “That’s the point of a surprise bruder,” Bastian said, stepping up to pull Hermann into a hug which he returned after a few moments. “Sorry, I wanted to call and tell you but I no longer had a working number for you and once Dietrich found out he was determined it’d be a surprise.”

              “That is not difficult to imagine. It would have been wiser to call Karla,” Hermann said with a soft laugh regretting it some when his brother pulled away. If there was a member of his family he had been worried about during the wars it has been Bastian. He only knew where his younger brother was from time to time when one of them got a phone call or email and they had once found out he’d been in a city during an attack when he called Hermann to let them all know he was ok. He’d always known where his two elder siblings had been and they were commonly on the Atlantic coast more than not.

              “It would have,” Bastian said with casual agreement as he turned to grab the chopped vegetable to toss them into a pot. “You’re still dressing like an old man? I heard you with that Dr. Geiszler now, I thought he might have changed your sense of style some.” Bastian glanced him over critically with a raised eyebrow and Hermann did the same to him.

              “This coming from you. You look as though you’ve been living in a shanty on the beachside even in the middle of the winter,” Hermann said stiffly, not answering the indirect question about his relationship status. Bastian had met Newton once very briefly and he had apparently not been impressed by the loud mouthed know it all biologist at the time.

              “Ha, that’s what Karla said almost exactly and then swore she was going to buy me proper clothes. Dietrich was right when he said you two were still grumpy twins,” Bastian said with a grin. Hermann scoffed lightly as he found a spot to lean against the counter to take some weight off his leg. “I’ve been in the Virgin Island for the last few years. There working on conserving the area if at all possible so I went to help and took on a job as a guide for some of the tours there.”

              “Ah, you’ve stayed on the conservationist route then?” Bastian gave him a narrow eyed look that was far more reminiscent of their father in that moment as he caught Hermann’s hesitant skepticism.

              “Yes, I have. There’s a lot to be done right now and since we have an actual future to look forward to it’d be nice if we could manage to protect some of what we almost lost. So, you’re actually with Dr. Geiszler then?” Bastian was more defensive than Hermann had expected given the fact that the youngest Gottlieb had jumped from job to job throughout the years always changing his mind from one thing to the next within months. The direct mention of his relationship with Newton seemed almost a barb at him so Hermann answered carefully.

              “I am. It was something that honestly should have happened a long time ago,” he said stiffly as Bastian worked on getting whatever he was cooking prepared the rest of the way. “I’m glad that you have found something that you enjoy doing…”

              “He doesn’t seem your type,” Bastian said though he had cooled slightly from the spike of defensive nature. Hermann was the one to bristle now; not appreciating the questioning of his choice of partners. Granted, Bastian knew little of Hermann’s history with Newton or even just of Newton himself aside from one evening of the man rambling on about the Kaiju after having made one of many important discoveries about the creatures.

              “I would think you have very little idea of what ‘my type’ would be considering how little we’ve interacted over the last few years.”

              “Just didn’t see you as someone who’d fall for a Kaiju lover,” Bastian said though he winced even as the words came out of his mouth.

              “He does not love them; he studies them. And if I wished for someone to criticize my choice so thoroughly I would call Lars,” Hermann said with a snap. A silence settled over them for a few seconds where they both seemed horribly embarrassed by what they’d said but neither of them chose to apologize. They instead stood as the seconds stretched between them and Hermann wondered just how the conversation had fallen apart so quickly.

              “Hey Hermms?”   

              Hermann turned at the sound of Newton's uncertain voice in the doorway and found the man standing there giving him a questioning look. Apparently he had been projecting without intending to again despite having improved the last couple of weeks at controlling that certain predilection. 

              "Yes, darling?" Hermann said, making the pet name sound pointed and intentionally emphasized as he felt Bastian’s eyes on him. He did feel guilty having compared his youngest sibling to their father which was perhaps the worst insult they could toss between them but the obvious criticism on his choice of being with Newton had been something he'd not expected from anyone but Lars himself this trip. 

              "Dietz let me in on the secret that he wasn't your surprise. I thought I'd come see how you were doing since you hate surprises and all," Newton said as casually as he could as he frowned lightly at Hermann before glancing at the other person in their presence. He put on his best charming smile as he moved to offer his hand out towards Bastian. "Hey, you're Bastian, right? I think you argued with me about Kaiju last time we met. It's great to see you again, dude." For his part Bastian did flush in embarrassment which turned Newton's smile into a grin. "Ha, apparently that look runs in the family." 

              "Oh, ah, yeah that was me. It's nice to see you again as well," Bastian said sounding stiffer and more awkward than when it had just been Hermann and him. He was resembling the Gottlieb side of the family more and more as the seconds ticked by as that easy going outer shell cracked away. The two of them shook for a moment until Newton pulled away to step up next to Hermann and slip an arm around him in a show of support for an argument he didn't realize he'd been a part of. Or at least Hermann hoped Newton hadn't gotten that he'd been a piece in that particular puzzle. 

              "I apologize for abandoning you to Dietrich, Newton," Hermann said with a sigh. 

              "Oh, don't worry about it, Dietz always keeps me interested. We talked about Kaiju psychology for a bit until he...let it slip about the surprise thing."  _Or more when you noticed I was upset._  Newton shrugged in response to the quiet comment on Hermann's part as though it'd been said out loud without even seeming to think about it. 

              "Exactly what were you discussing in relation to Kaiju psychology?" Bastian was the one to toss the question out though this time there was honest curiosity without the under lacings of hostility in his tone though he got that narrowed look once more. Hermann could Newton squirm slightly at the question and the flush of regret at bringing it up. 

              "Ha, ah, what might happen had a Kaiju been left on this side of the breach after it closed. You know, cut off from the hive mind when it would be all it knew," Newton said nervously. He was now sandwiched between two rather similar critical expressions as he pulled away from Hermann to try and peek into the pot that Bastian had been placing his ingredients into. "Hey, what are you making?"  

_We will be talking about this._

_Hey! He's the one who brought it up, ok?_ Hermann huffed though he could tell that Newton was being genuine about that piece of information. He caught Bastian’s eyes for a second from over Newton's shoulders and felt defensive again at the 'I told you so' expression he was greeted with. 

              "It's a recipe I got while I was down in the Virgin Islands. Hopefully it will turn out well since it's hard to get fresh fruit up here but it's going to be a mango salsa for the fish tacos I've making," Bastian said offhandedly as he rushed somewhat through the explanation. "What did you decide?"

              "What do you mean?" Newton said as he found the spoon Bastian had been using to stir things together and used it to scoop up a bit of the salsa and try. He made a sound of appreciation which earned him a momentary look of pride before Bastian somewhat unceremoniously nudged him out of the way. 

              "With the Kaiju?" 

              "Oh, ha," Newton said as he tried unsuccessfully to act as though he hadn't realized that was what Bastian meant the first time. "We were still discussing it though we both agreed it'd likely flounder and die unless it found a new hive..." Newton waved a hand to dismiss the conversation as he saddled up beside Hermann again despite the mild hostility Hermann was still directing towards him. That was the last thing they needed was for there to suddenly be conversations about a Kaiju being left on this side of the breach. He wasn’t fooled by the drop off of intensive questions about their link with the Kaiju in the interviews and he doubted that Newton was either. They were still under just as much scrutiny as they’d been since the breach had been closed and the first word of their drifts broke and they didn’t need to be adding potential fuel to that fire.

               “Is that what’s happening with the two of you because of the breach? I’ve been hearing the reports that there’s health problems and Karla got quiet about it when I asked. Are you…floundering?” Bastian had gone back to chopping an onion he pulled out of one of the small plastic bags on the counter so that his back was facing them as he spoke. His voice had eased fully now back to where it was though he spoke quietly as he asked the question.

               “What? Oh, no, Hermms and I were independent thinkers before we had any contact with the hive mind and we were never actually a part of it. We’re a little messed up because that was a big old jumbled ball of fucked that we got tossed into during the drift and that’s not even mentioning the fact that my PONs machine was thrown together using scrap and lacked the regulator check points that a typical PONs has built in to it. But I mean, I wouldn’t say we’re floundering even with all the messed up junk. I think we’re still rocking it pretty well and-“

               “Newton.” Hermann spoke quietly to shut the man up before he continued to ramble on in an ill-fated attempt at reassuring all of them that the suggestion was preposterous. Bastian had stopped chopping the onion though he hadn’t turned to face them as he stood with a straight back and squared shoulders. Newton gave another little nervous giggle before apologizing for going on so long.

               “So you aren’t dying?”

               “No.” Newton answered bluntly and rather sternly at this question as a frown creased his brow. Newton pulled him a little closer and Hermann decided it would be easiest to just settle his weight against his partner at this point rather than continuing to lean against the counter top.

               “It does not, at this time, appear that the side effects of our drift will be fatal. Our health is being watched even now with the chaos of this damn tour,” Hermann said to elaborate a little further on Newton’s own, for once, short answer. Bastian relaxed some as he started chopping the onion so he could finally add it to the bowl.

               “Good. There have been so many different stories on the television with you being on the tour that it has been hard to tell what is the truth or an exaggeration. The two of you seem almost more interesting to all of them than what needs to be done next for our own recovery. There is a lot that needs to be done if we’re going to keep our planet from floundering itself.”

               “Dude, right? Tearing down that wall would be a start considering how much damage it did just on its own. There isn’t much we can do about the fallout from the various attempts on the breach on the ocean habitat but we could potentially start trying to work on neutralizing the effects of the Kaiju Blue that got spilled. I hope that’s what they let me start working on once we actually go back to work to be honest. I’d like to focus on cleaning up the mess more than the, ah, Kaiju themselves for a while. Once you’ve gotten a literal glimpse inside their heads it sort of calls for a break from trying to figuratively do the same thing,” Newton said as he jumped on the subject. This, at least, wasn’t a surprising topic to Hermann as even before the drift Newton had talked about how they would have to clean up the mess made by the war by both sides. The wall had practically been a personal insult to the man and he’d gone on about its destruction of an already damage environment at least once a week since its reveal.

               “You don’t think leaving the wall in place is a better option in case they come back?”

               “The wall is a completely ineffective measure against the Kaiju-“

               “Yeah! I mean we all saw how long it lasted against Mutavore-“

               “And if the Kaiju are to return their strategy will likely not be the same as before-“

               “They’ll hit us with a full scale attack before we even have a chance to react. It’d be like, like…”

               “-like setting fire to a wasps’ nest to rid themselves of what they no doubt see as pests. The point is the wall will do little to keep the Kaiju out if they chose to assault us again. We need to put ourselves right again, rebuild and prepare what we can in the way of an active offense if the situation arises.”

               “Of course the best thing for us would be that we fucked everything up on the other side enough that they just don’t want to come back,” Newton finished with a shrug. Bastian was staring at them both with a surprised look on of his face at the dual answer. “That was a good one, Hermms, wasps’ nest. I was trying to think of something with nest.”

               “Yes, I gathered,” Hermann said dryly feeling a bit exposed. That had been one of the less subtle examples of how the drift had affected them and the first time the two of them had gotten caught up enough to finish each other’s sentences for quite a while now and typically it had been in front of those who understood the effects of the drift first hand.

               “Hey, ah, why don’t we go sit? You’ve been on your feet most of the day,” Newton said as Hermann purposefully tugged at his rolled up sleeve. This was hardly the first meeting he would have expected in any reunion scenario with his younger brother so far. Bastian didn’t argue against the suggestion when Hermann agreed with Newton’s suggestion and the two of them left him alone to finish cooking. Once they were out in the hall out of earshot Newton stopped him though giving him a troubled look. “You okay? That seemed a little…weird, I guess. You seemed way super agitated for a bit there. I thought you got along with Bastian.”

               “It has been a long time since we’ve seen each other. It appears that we have perhaps both changed,” Hermann said dismissively as he tugged Newton a little closer. It hadn’t been a disaster though he had a feeling it could have been which he hardly understood. The young man in the kitchen was someone he didn’t feel as though he really knew after all this time and yet he had a hard time separating him from the boy he’d grown up trying to defend and shelter. Newton was studying him with an unreadable expression and his partner wasn’t offering up any mental cues either as he wrapped an arm around Hermann’s waist.

               “Come on, we should really get you a seat. We can go annoy Dietrich for a while,” Newton said, leading him down the hallway.

                Dinner proceeded smoother than the initial reunion had gone with the six of them clustered around the dining table talking louder than Karla seemed to prefer seeing how Adalia was asleep down the hall. Hermann noticed with some relief that he was not the only family member who Bastian reacted defensively with now they were all in one place though he immediately felt ridiculous for comparing. Hermann was enjoying a few moments with no attention on him as Dietrich, Newton and Vanessa had all somehow come to the agreement to coerce Bastian into telling them more about his ‘conservation efforts’.

               Karla was sitting to his right sipping on some wine that had been brought though she clearly wasn’t enjoying it for much more than its alcohol content. She’d never been a wine drinker; really none of them had except for Bastian apparently. Karla had always preferred rum based anything while Hermann had been partial to his cognac and scotch. Dietrich drank gin of all things which even the thought of could send a small shudder down Hermann’s spine. Vanessa had also made some fruity blended concoction for them earlier to go with the ‘island paradise’ theme of the dinner though those had disappeared quickly between them all.

               “Come now, Bastian, there had to have been some reason you chose the Virgin Islands of all places,” Dietrich was saying coyly, cheeks a bit rosy as he could clearly stomach anything as long as it got him tipsy. “Last time we had talked you were engulfed in that…what was it you called it…”

               “Was that the avant-garde theater troupe who performed old plays as modern tales so you could all wear your normal hipster clothes to the street shows?” Vanessa offered up which caused Newton to give a light snort of amusement as Bastian turned red. “I never did get to see one of your plays.”

               “No, no that was a long time ago, Nessa. I’m thinking of the bakery that only made the incredibly spicy pastries that tore a hole in my stomach the one time he sent a sample to me. I do not remember what that particular style of cooking was though…” Dietrich shook his head, leaning to ruffle Vanessa’s curls. Hermann sincerely hoped that his brother was staying at their sister’s house and not attempting to navigate anywhere else for the night.

               “No, prior to the Virgin Islands I was in Vancouver attempting to help with the conservation efforts taking place in hopes to protect some of the sea life that still thrives there despite the building of the wall cutting of their natural resources,” Bastian said in a huff as he reached for the wine bottle in an apparent attempt to drown his irritation as he poured himself another glass.

               “Ah, easy there, baby brother. We’re just teasing you since we get to see you so rarely. That is good, you are serious about the conservation then?” Dietrich slung an arm over Bastian’s shoulders hugging his brother close.

               “With how tonight is going we will likely not see him for many more years now, Dietrich,” Karla said dryly from over the table though she gave Bastian a wink.

               “Nonsense, it will just remind him of what he is missing by wandering all over the globe at his own whim. He’ll become like Hermann, where we’ll want to go visit him just to see what location he winds up next though now without the danger of attack by giant monster thanks to Adalia’s ‘Daddy Uncle.” Newton and Vanessa both snorted with laughter at the term and Hermann gave a long suffering sigh. Now that Dietrich had heard the nickname it would likely never die. Bastian looked entirely confused by the conversation and met Hermann’s eyes desperately for an explanation which did some to repair Hermann’s concerns about their earlier interaction.

               “I am impressed that no one has felt the need to explain to you yet, Bastian, that I am technically Adalia’s father. Karla and Vanessa asked me to, ah, aid them in having a child which was genetically related to them both and I obliged,” Hermann said as his cheeks went hot and he decided Karla had the correct idea in drinking the wine despite the flavor as he took a sip. “Newton has since insisted on calling me her ‘Daddy Uncle’ or was it Nessa who started it first.”

               “Doesn’t matter you’re stuck with it now,” Karla said with a grin from over the rim of her glass. “Bastian, are you returning to the isles after this or is there somewhere else your conversation efforts are taking you?”

               “I’m returning to the islands, actually, I’ve returned to school finally. I’m working towards a degree in Marine Biology before going on to get my Masters,” Bastian said as he frowned down into his wine as though still attempting to contemplate the information just provided to him about his family. Newton sat up a little straighter at the comment as Hermann felt his mind make a complete change in focus.

               “No way, dude, the university down there is amazing for studying Marine Biology. I wish I’d been able to go there to be honest though I was a bit tied to where I was at considering my other degrees and my job and a lot of stuff, but that’s amazing. They have some of the best learning habitats because you’re literally surrounded by it all. Aw man, I may actually be a little jealous right now,” Newton said with enthusiasm that Bastian didn’t seem certain on how to handle.

               “Hermann, you may have to be careful that our little brother does not whisk your boyfriend out from under you,” Vanessa said. Dietrich snorted with laughter and Vanessa gave him a blank look until she caught the unintentional innuendo herself and she broke out into giggles. Hermann flushed slightly and tried to calculate how much he’d have to drink to not remember this particular conversation especially as Newton chose to chime in.

               “Ha, yeah, no one’s sweeping me out from _under_ him anytime soon.” Dietrich and Vanessa both lost themselves in laughter again as even Bastian loosened up some and started to chuckle.

               “I think this may have to be our last round of the drinks; you have all gotten my wife drunk,” Karla said with a sigh as she reached out to run a hand through Vanessa’s curls which earned her a wink and a cheeky grin from the woman.

               “It is getting a bit late,” Hermann said with a glance at his watch. They were supposed to be back the next morning and then the following night was when the rest of their group would be joining them all for dinner. “Perhaps it would be prudent to start winding down.” Hermann felt Newton’s weight settle against his side as the man leaned against him while staring down into his wine glass.

               “Bastian, are you still having wine?” Their youngest brother nodded and Karla checked with everyone what they wanted their last beverage to be for the night as she started to pick up the dishes. Vanessa got up to help her as the rest of them moved out of the dining room to give them some room as the two women chatted quietly and flirtatiously between themselves. The last round of drinks between them was long and dragged out though the conversation died a little in the later hours. Bastian’s more relaxed nature had returned throughout the night as he settled back into the presence of a family he had been somewhat a stranger to during the years.

               When they finally left to head back to the hotel it was later than planned. Karla suggested that they simply stay despite the admittedly limited sleeping options in the house but they called themselves a cab so they could retreat back to their own space for a while. They rode in the back of the cab silently with Newton curled up against Hermann’s side; the man’s affection nature had become more and more pronounced throughout the night as the alcohol took full effect on him to the point Hermann had to remind him that they were not alone at least twice.

               “Hmm, that was nice,” Newton mumbled part way back to the hotel. He was playing with a button on Hermann’s shirt and he shooed the man’s hand away as he caught the driver’s eyes in the rearview mirror.

               “Yes, I enjoyed getting to see my family all in one place again,” Hermann said as he gave Newton a pointed look when the man tried to go back to his ministrations. Newton pouted but wrapped his arm around Hermann and hugged him close instead of toying with the button once more. “Would you be happy doing something like that instead?”

               “Hm? Like what?” Newton sounded half asleep though he tilted his head slightly to look up at Hermann to let him know he was paying attention. Hermann couldn’t resist the temptation to place a kiss on the man’s forehead despite the cab driver’s watchful eyes.

               “Instead of dealing directly with the Kaiju or research would you be happier working on repairing the damage and studying its effects on our world?” Newton was quiet for a while and Hermann wasn’t entirely certain that he hadn’t fallen asleep.

               “I might. It could be a way to help give back or whatever,” Newton finally responded quietly with a shrug of his shoulders. “I mean, I’m not really sure what else I can learn from quickly decomposing bits as it is but I have research that could help neutralize contaminated sites. I just don’t want to dig too deep into what might be there…” Newton tapped his temple lightly. It bothered Hermann that Newton was considering abandoning what was now his life’s work, but he also understood. It was different studying the Kaiju so personally when you’d been inside their heads; when there was never telling what discovery might trigger an unwanted memory from the hive mind.

               “Then you will not need to dig. If there is any suggestion of it we will speak with the Marshall,” Hermann said softly. The taxi pulled to a stop outside the hotel and Hermann leaned forward to pay as Newton did his best to get out of the car as gracefully as was possible. Newton linked their hands together the moment Hermann was out of the car and they continued up to their room strung together as Newton lagged and yawned dramatically. Hermann tutted at him lightly when Newton just fell onto the bed once they were inside and made the man sit up again so he could carefully get him stripped down to his boxers.

               “You haven’t said what you want to do,” Newton said as Hermann directed him to get up for a moment so he could pull the blankets back.

               “I would like to head to bed,” Hermann said with a soft frown.

               “You know that’s not what I meant, dude,” Newton said while he tried to desperately stifle another yawn. The moment the sheets were pulled back Newton was scrambling into bed; scooting across to his side so Hermann could get in next to him. Hermann got himself undressed, folding his clothes on top of Newton’s. “You haven’t really said what you’d like to do ideally after all of this.” Hermann settled into place next to Newton and tugged the blankets over them as the other man snuggled against his side.

               “I would like to be wherever you are.”

               “Cheater.” Newton mumbled the word against his neck as he slung an arm around Hermann. “Seriously, Hermms.”

               “I imagine I would like to explore in a deeper manner the possibilities that the breach introduced to us. The implications it may have on string theory and a multidimensional universe. The things that made the breach so fascinating but that couldn’t be fully explored while closing it was still the most important goal,” Hermann said as he nudged Newton off him slightly so he could reach the lamp. The room fell dark around them and Newton pulled him back against him. “There is a lot of potential in the data we managed to pull on the breach from over the years.”

               “Hmm, you gonna build the Enterprise Hermms? Figure out warp drive?” Newton said though he sounded half asleep at this point as though he was fighting against his alcohol induced fatigue.

               “Perhaps,” Hermann said with a roll of his eyes. He hadn’t put much thought in what he wanted to do other than the knowledge that his work would continue with the PPDC for at least a short while yet. He had always figured that if they won the war he would return to his work from before though with far more to work with. What he knew now was that he wanted to be wherever Newton ended up and that his work would follow him to where that ended up being. Newton’s response was a soft breathy snore and Hermann closed his eyes so to drift off to sleep as well.

                The morning was harsher on Newton than Hermann but that was pretty much typical. The guy had his weird immunity to alcohol that rendered it impossible for him to have a hangover. As far as hangovers went this wasn’t the worst he’d ever had though at the least. And Hermann was being sympathetic at least since he’d greeted Newton with a cup of coffee as soon as he was out of the shower. He only hazily remembered the conversation the night before when they had been lying in bed, but he remembered the main gist of it. He sat across Hermann just then at a table in an incredibly too bright corner of the breakfast area of the hotel and he eyed him the best he could considering the apparently high intensity lights they’d replaced the bulbs with since the day before.

               “Yes Newton, may I help you with something?” Hermann said with a sigh after a few long seconds of staring had passed. Hermann had picked up a small local paper to skim while they ate since Newton was in a less than talkative mood but he set it down now as he stared across at Newton from over the rims of his glasses.

               “We could always settle somewhere that you could work towards a tenure while I do…whatever I end up doing. I mean it’d probably end up being a cakewalk for you two get tenure after even just a couple of years since you’re kind of famous now and all. And, I mean, I know I mentioned the whole Iceland thing but I mean we could go somewhere else. I’d get used to pretty much any place you wanted to go except for maybe like not Australia again cause it was really miserably hot there and I think there’d be a few too many memories for me still at the moment, you know? Of course you know, sorry, but I don’t want to be the reason you get held back or something and-”

               “Dr. Geiszler.” Newton closed his mouth as he picked at the edge of the napkin sitting in his lap. He had found that Hermann called him that now when he was either teasing or annoyed and Newton could guess which it was in that instance. “I have no plans on abandoning the work I wish to do, however, I also have no plans on making you be somewhere you are not comfortable. If that means taking a position teaching mathematics or physics at the University of Iceland then so be it.”

               “Is there a university in Iceland?” Newton said with a soft frown as he took a halfhearted bite of his eggs.

               “Yes.” Hermann answered primly as he looked back down at his newspaper and took a sip of the coffee he’d ordered. He’d finished eating a little while ago but had insisted that Newton use the time they had left before they had to leave to try and eat something as well. Newton was fairly positive that the kitchen had accidentally served him bad everything except maybe the toast. The toast hadn’t tasted that badly.

               “Did you look that up for me after I mentioned it?”

               “Perhaps.” Newton grinned despite the poisoned food and super bright lights and he saw Hermann’s lips twitch in response. “Now, finish your toast at least. We will need to leave soon. You will be relieved that Dietrich will at least be in the same state as you. Vanessa as well.”

               “Oh man, I forgot your brother doesn’t have the infamous Gottlieb tolerance.”

                “It is his greatest shame,” Hermann said dryly which caused Newton to laugh though that only caused the ache in his temples to turn into a mild pounding. Hermann raised an eyebrow at him but made no comment as he winced and took another bite of his toast.

                “Karla, warum sind Sie zu quälen uns ?” _Why are you torturing us?_  Dietrich was right. It felt like torture and Newton couldn’t explain how happy he was that Hermann had suggested he get transition lenses when he replaced his broken pair. Still, the sun seemed to be burning with the intensity of a thousand, well, suns with how bright it was. Hermann, Karla and Bastian were looking at the other half of the group with bemusement as they settled along the shore of the lake where a picnic table sat. Newton’s head felt mildly better in that hazy non-feeling sort of way now that some time had passed but it still seemed far too bright. Vanessa seemed to be about on par with him though Dietrich seemed worse off than any of them. Newton was pretty certain that the man had drank more than the rest of them the night before though he might have just been trying to spare Dietrich some dignity.

               “Nicht mir die Schuld für Ihre Unfähigkeit, Alkohol zu behandeln.” _Don’t blame me for your inability to handle alcohol._ Karla rolled her eyes as she slid in next to Vanessa where her wife had sat down and dropped her head to the top of the wooden table. Adalia was tucked in Bastian’s somewhat bewildered arms for the moment as Karla had the basket with their lunch in it. The youngest Gottlieb kept staring down at the kid as though he thought Adalia might burst into tears at any moment if he wasn’t literally keeping an eye on her.

              “I will blame you all I want,” Dietrich said as he squinted through his dark sunglasses at the forested area around them. “Is this the right spot?”

              “Ja. You keep questioning me and you’re going into the water,” Karla said with a scowl and Dietrich leveled a look at her. Normally Newton would be all for the theater that was the Gottlieb siblings bickering but just then he wasn’t sure his head was recovered enough to withstand it.

              “This is the right spot. Right Hermms? It’s the right spot. Please say it’s the right spot,” Newton said pleadingly as he leaned against Hermann who seemed maybe a little irritated that he was bringing him in the middle of things. Newton wasn’t entirely certain he could handle getting up to search for some apparently ‘right’ spot versus this perfectly good if not maybe still just a tad too bright spot.

              “This is the right spot, Dietrich. Our tree is just over there,” Hermann said, inclining his head in the direction of the trees. Dietrich stared in that direction for a bit before relaxing as he slumped against the table. Newton tried to spy just what constituted as ‘our tree’ but really they all just looked like trees at that moment. He’d ask Hermann when he got a chance.

              “Ja. Good.” Karla gave her brother a distasteful look though she gently ran a hand over Vanessa’s back in sympathy for her hangover. “Since half of us don’t understand what limits are perhaps we should just take it easy and lounge until it is time to eat?”

              “Mm, perfect. I’m gonna be over here,” Dietrich said as he managed to pull himself off to wander off to a shaded spot in the grass. Karla tutted in a way that reminded Newton very seriously of her brother who was still tolerating his leaning at the moment. They spent the morning lying about the small clearing, Bastian looking thankful when Hermann and Newton joined Adalia and him on the grass to entertain the small girl. Karla joined them after a short while once she knew Vanessa had a bottle of water and a place to sit.

            They spent part of the morning being lazy in the shade of the trees and playing with Adalia who enjoyed the blue sky and the budding green leaves dancing above her. She also enjoyed playing peek-a-boo with Bastian for a while as Karla set up lunch. Dietrich had rested beneath the tree for a while before finally emerging seeming more his cheerful self than he had when they'd first arrived. Vanessa was slowly perking up too especially when her wife poured some coffee out of a thermos she had brought. 

            Lunch was a simple one consisting of sandwiches and chips but it was more to welcome to Newt by then. He'd not eaten much at breakfast even with Hermann's insistence that he should try to stomach a bit more and now he was pretty much famished. He stared out at the water of the lake as he chewed, relishing the taste of his turkey on rye as the idle chatter of the morning disappeared with the prospect of eating.

            "Did you come here with your mom?" Newton asked to Hermann quietly as he tilted his head back to look up at the sunlight that filtered in through the leaves of the tree above him. It filtered through and danced with an amber green that spoke of a crushing calm mixing with his own deep seas. He had never thought to ask Hermann what he associated with those forests greens before but he had a feeling he'd just figured it out himself. 

            "Hm, a couple of times. This was more where we would all...escape when we felt the need; at least once Dietrich could drive us all. This is also where I climbed too high," Hermann said with a soft frown as he glanced upward as well. Newton tried to impress his suspicions on that space between their minds and he saw Hermann go slightly pink. "It perhaps contributes to that though there are other more recent reasons for the association." 

            "You were climbing one of these trees when you were hurt?" Newton said incredulously as he looked back down at Hermann with wide eyes. "What were you trying to reach? Space?" 

            "Perhaps," Hermann said with some humor which was a relief to Newton. He hadn't been sure how Hermann would react to him joking about his accident but he had hoped it would keep the conversation from turning too serious. 

            “These aren’t really climbing trees, Hermms, they have no limbs low enough for a kid to reach,” Newton said with a small grin as he nudged Hermann with his elbow.

 _Maybe not one of your stature._ The thought slipped through the back of his mind and Newton narrowed his eyes at Hermann who simply continued to eat his sandwich primly. The thoughts had gotten easier and less sporadic between them to where they shared more what they specifically wanted. He hadn’t pointed it out to Hermann yet though he doubted that it had slipped the guy’s notice with how frustrated he was about how much he broadcasted about at first. The emotions were always there if Newton focused, the little twitch of irritation or the flush of admiration that cycled in the back of his mind over his own emotional range but the thoughts were more a conversation now.

 _I climb you just fine._ Hermann almost choked as he took a sip of his own water which brought the focus of the rest of the table as Vanessa and Dietrich stopped talking and Karla looked up from where she’d been coaxing Adalia to drink from her bottle. Hermann’s face had flushed but that was easily covered by him stating that he’d just swallowed the water wrong as Newton sat with a grin and patted his back.

            “Do you two do that a lot?” Bastian asked as he looked between Hermann and Newt quizzically.

            “What? Choke?” Newton said jokingly as Hermann finally managed to recover some and took another drink to clear his throat.

 _Inappropriate Newton._ Hermann sounded irritated and maybe just a little bit felt irritated too though there was some humor still in the back of Newton’s mind that said he wasn’t truly mad. Bastian had narrowed his eyes for a second and Newton’s smile faltered just a little.

            “No, talk to each other without saying anything…” They both went still at the question while they each tried to catalog how much they had revealed about the link between them before Newton realized something had made him ease back some.

 _It’s family asking dude, not an interview._ They had fronted questions about what sort of effects they experienced with ghost drifting through several interviews now. They always downplayed it just as Mako and Raleigh tended to downplay their own bond. It was hard to understand the drift without having experienced it or known someone closely who had gone through it, and it had always been advised that some of the aspects be kept quiet. The cute synchronicity and finishing each other’s sentences every now and then was one thing but apparently full on mind reading was another. Hermann hadn’t relaxed with Newton’s reminder though he’d calmed some as he sat and tried to calculate an appropriate way to answer.

            “Sometimes. It’s a bit touch and go every now and then.”

  
            “It’s normal.” Dietrich chimed in when Bastian still looked doubtful. “There’s always a lingering thread of communication between compatible drift partners it’s just usually downplayed since there are people who might find the legitimate reading of each other’s mind worrying. Its strength varies with the strength of the compatibility between the two just like the drift itself can get messy if you go in with someone you’re not compatible with,” Dietrich said in response for them both. He got long stares from his two brothers and he gave a soft nervous laugh. Karla and Vanessa were the only two that didn’t seem surprised by his sudden knowledge. “I’ve started working with some retired jaeger pilots who have experienced lasting effects of the drift including the echoes of lost drift partners. I’ve been informed to not really discuss it.”

                “Why did you not mention this?” Hermann said with a frown and Dietrich gave him an apologetic look.

                “I would have, little brother, but you’ve been sort of globetrotting the last couple of months and you have a lot on your plate already. It’s only a couple of people so far and I’m not an official employee of the PPDC. They came to me though I think in part because they realized I was related to you,” Dietrich said as he pushed his sunglasses up to try and meet Hermann’s eyes though he regretted it immediately as he dropped them back into place. “Damn sun is still too bright…”

                “Maybe you could help Herc some?” Newton suggested it though he pretty much immediately knew that Herc wouldn’t like the idea. Still, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to ask. The man had lost a drift partner, son and friend all at once. He felt Hermann’s hand rest on his knee under the table and he looked up at him to give him a quick smile.

            “That’s the Marshall, right? I’d be willing if he wanted someone to talk to. I’m not officially allowed to approach anyone on my own within the PPDC according to all the rules they’ve given me but if he came to me I could take him on,” Dietrich said with a light nod before taking a bite of his sandwich. “Suggest it to him but maybe not while we’re all at dinner tonight.”

            “I’m sure we can manage to find a more appropriate moment to bring it up than that,” Hermann said with a shake of his head. He was clearly still irritated that Dietrich hadn’t brought up the new section of cliental before now as though it was a sort of slight to have kept it from him. Dietrich nudged Hermann gently with his elbow as he chewed his food and gave his brother a grumpy over exaggerated frown that earned him a piece of crust to the face.

            “So you two must have been very compatible then?” Bastian pulled them back to the conversation at hand and got a long stare from his eldest brother.

            “Dude, if we actually got tested we’d probably be off the charts. I can’t even begin to explain to you how much easier the second drift was when I had a compatible anchor to do it with. If we were the type to go out piloting a jaeger instead of fighting with our massive brains we would have totally kicked ass.”

            “It’s good that you saved the fighting to the pilots then. From what I heard you got knocked out during the last real fight you were in, Newt,” Vanessa said teasingly and Newton puffed up indignantly.

            “Hey, those were unfair odds. That was three against one and that’s unfair to anyone. Like, even Chuck got knocked down during the fight. Granted, he did far more damage than I did but still.” A moment of doubtful concern flickered over Vanessa’s face for a second as the group went quiet with the mention of Chuck as though they expected him to fall apart. It made Newton freeze for a long moment as he suddenly became aware of what he’d said and waited to see how his brain was going to process any emotional backlash. He’d been doing ok, only minor wibbly moments recent at the mention of his deceased friend but sitting there with four pairs of eyes trained on him triggered that almost juvenile feeling of needing to react based off how everyone else was reacting. It was only the fact that Hermann had continued eating, that he hadn’t stopped to stare at Newton though Hermann’s hand still rested firmly on his knee as a reassuring connection.

            “If memory serves at least one of the other occasions in which you found yourself in a bar fight you were against only one opponent and you still lost,” Hermann said finally to break the silence around them. He spoke haughtily and raised an eyebrow as he finally turned to look at Newton. He felt an easing in his chest then as he took a deep breath and gave Hermann a rueful smile and a mental thank you.

            “I don’t know if you can really call it losing if you’re kicked out before either of you are like waving the white flag, dude.” Newt rolled his eyes as he let his hand drop so he could take a hold of Hermann’s. “I don’t remember ever waving any sort of white flag. And you make it sound like I get in drunken bar brawls every week or something.”

            “There was reason behind why Tendo and I stopped asking if you wished to accompany us,” Hermann said glibly. Newton glared at him as though he’d just betrayed him while the others laughed. “I suppose it only happened a couple of times and typically due to others taking umbrage with your tattoos. Really, how anyone could find your tattoos offensive when the most popular show of the first several years was quite literally ‘Kaiju Kill Love’ has always been slightly beyond me.”  

            “I distinctly remember someone going on about how distasteful and disrespectful those same tattoos were for the first few years myself,” Karla said pointedly as she gave Newton a wink.

            “Yeah, I think my favorite comment from that time period was how ‘my great inked baboon of a lab partner had yet again disregarded my request to keep his disgusting viscera on his side of the laboratory’.” Dietrich chimed in as well as he mocked his brother’s voice. Hermann reached over and yanked the man’s sunglasses off in retaliation and Dietrich gave a mournful groan as he tried to cover his eyes and steal the sunglasses back at the same time. Newton helped him out by deftly snatching the sunglasses from Hermann’s hand and handing them back as he kissed his disgruntled boyfriend on the cheek.

            “It was comments like ‘Dr. Geiszler’s ability to be both intelligent beyond recognition while also being an utter and complete moron is surely worth scientific study’ that made it obvious just how in love Hermann was with you,” Vanessa said dreamily as she beamed at Newton from across the table.

            “I always thought Hermann hated him from the way he insulted him,” Bastian said with a frown.

            “Oh, poor naïve youngest brother. Hermann’s insults are become exponentially more creative the more he has a crush on someone,” Dietrich said as he made sure to avoid any more attempts by Hermann to steal his sunglasses and expose him to the terrible and cruel sunlight.

            “You know, if any of you had cared to mention this back then we could have saved a whole lot of time with this hooking up thing,” Newton said with a shake of his head as he gave Hermann an adoring look as the man held him own personal grump off beside him.

            “I believe this is enough conversation on this topic,” Hermann said with a huff though he gave a small smile when Dietrich threw his arm around his shoulders.

            “Ah, but see, we had to keep our dear brother’s secret. It is what siblings do.”

 

            They left the park about midafternoon so that they could get dinner ready for when the rest of the group came over. They were still busy with interviews despite Hermann and Newton's planned break from being in the spotlight for the day. They'd be leaving to start out across the rest of Europe in just a couple of days now where they would spend almost two months touring around to different cities and countries for what were now the typical array of interviews and photo shoots. Honestly, even if he wasn't such a wreck Newton had the feeling he'd be a bit tired of it by now. Maybe not the traveling part but the repetitive questions though those were better than the overly personal prying and the moments of sly insinuation. 

            As they were getting the car packed up Hermann had found a place to rest beneath some trees on a park bench as Dietrich and Karla bickered and Bastian did the actual work of loading the picnic basket, blanket and baby into the car with Vanessa's help. Newton stayed close to Hermann and watched him enjoy a moment of cool breeze. Hermann did feel more at peace here even in the moments where he was arguing with his siblings some of the tension that had run beneath the surface eased back. There wasn't that strange taunt wire in the back of his mind that seemed to hum with anger, guilt and something that felt a little like fear. 

            "Maybe Germany wouldn't be too bad?" Hermann opened his eyes to look at him quizzically as the Gottlieb herd behind them finally managed to get the car ready for actual adults to load into. "To stay."  _You could be with them._

            "Hmm," Hermann glanced past Newton at his family and then shook his head gently, "Perhaps not somewhere far but you have only witnessed the times when we have not seen each other for a while. When we are constantly around each other we tend to get on each other's nerves." Newton offered out his arm for Hermann to hold onto so he could get up a bit easier. When the tour was over Newton was going to get the man a massage and several hot baths. Hermann was holding up alright considering all the constant travel and hotel beds but it was wearing on him. 

            "Well, Iceland isn't that far then. A plane ride really," he said only half joking. He still hadn't completely decided if Hermann was serious that he'd deal with Newton's random suggestion or not. Newton wasn't entirely certain if he was serious about the suggestion of Iceland himself quite yet. As they left the bench behind them Newton caught sight of a man walking away from them through the trees who he hadn’t realized was there before. He frowned at the man’s back but he never turned back towards them so he brushed it off as one of the small handful of other people they’d seen throughout the day.

            "True. We will simply have to watch for volcanic activity," Hermann said shrewdly and Newton gave a soft laugh as they filed into the car which was perhaps a little too small. Luckily Dietrich and Bastian had crammed themselves into the tiny third row seat though that left Hermann and Newton separated by the drooling cherub in the car seat. Newton cooed at Adalia fondly, the little girl giving a soft giggle as he came within her range of sight. Hermann offered her his hand and she grabbed hold of one of his fingers to wave around erratically. 

            "Look at you, Adalia, learning your hand eye coordination so early. I think you have your Daddy Uncle's brain," Newton sang softly at the baby girl which earned him a toothless smile from one audience member and a glare from the other. 

            "What is this I heard about Iceland?" Dietrich leaned over the seat between them, hovering over Adalia with a wide grin on his face as he waited for the response from his brother. 

            "Dietrich, put your safety belt on," Karla said disapprovingly as she started down the road and gave him a glare in the rear view mirror. Dietrich rolled his eyes, remaining as he was even as Bastian shoved him gently to try and get more room. 

            "It's where we're gonna live whenever we're allowed to have control of our lives back," Newton said still talking in his singsong voice. 

            "Really? Iceland?" Bastian said with what sounded a bit like disdain. "Isn't that a little out of the way? And cold?" 

            "Yes but that would be the point of it. The being out of the way part at least perhaps not the cold," Hermann said as he took his turn to swat at Dietrich. The eldest Gottlieb gave a soft laugh as he finally sat back into his seat much to the relief of Bastian. "It is not set in stone though it is an option." 

            “Are you going to tack on Icelandic as a third language, Hermann?” Dietrich asked as he reached forward to ruffle his brother’s hair and Hermann gave a grumble of protest.

 

            Dinner with everyone had gone long into night once more as they all sat spread around the living room after they’d finished eating. Dietrich had met Tendo and Mako before at least once so he fell into easy conversation with them until they were all sitting around talking like old friends. Vanessa and Dietrich had both pressed for some stories from around the Shatterdome from everyone that ranged from times Newton and Hermann had gotten into public arguments to tense moments inside a jaeger or LOCCENT. It had been a pleasant evening and at the end of it they had all piled back into the SUV to head to the hotel with Tendo having been nominated as designated driver for the night.

            The next day had passed quickly as they wrapped up the last of their public appearance for their time in Berlin. They would have one more day in the city before they had to leave and the general consensus was for them to rest. Newton and Hermann were going to have one last lunch with the rest of the Gottlieb crew as well before they’d return to pack and make sure they were ready for their departure the next morning. They were getting ready to head out when Hermann’s cell phone had rang showing a number he didn’t recognize.

            “Dr. Gottlieb.” Newton looked at him with focused intention when he heard the formal way Hermann answered his phone. They didn’t get many phone calls since they’d all taken careful precautions that the information wasn’t released out to the public and everyone else that would be calling them was frequently a few doors down at this point.

            “Hermann its Bastian. I wanted to call to say goodbye.” Hermann frowned as he heard his younger brother’s voice over the phone sounding regretful and apologetic.

            “I thought you were going to stay through lunch. Did your plans change?” Hermann leaned back against the headrest of the bed to relax back into place where he had been waiting for Newton to finish dressing since the man was once more running behind. He was attempting to tie his tie into place right at the moment while watching Hermann with a questioning look at the same time.

            “I, ah, I was but Lars called to say to expect him. I chose to leave before he arrived but I wanted you to have my number. I’d like to stay in touch better…and apologize for how I acted the first night in the kitchen. I wasn’t sure how you all would react to me being there so I was on edge. It had been so long-“

            “There is no need to apologize, Bastian. I would also like to stay in contact. Thank you for calling.” Hermann felt a twist in his gut at the mention of their father’s expected presence at his sister’s. He had almost thought he had been lucky and it had slipped under Lars’ radar that they were in Berlin just then. He’d not heard from the man since they had arrived and yet here he was inserting himself on their last day in town.

            “Yes, well, ah, please tell your Dr. Geiszler that it was nice to see him again. And, Hermann, I have missed you. I am sorry I’m leaving early but…” Yes, there was always that hanging precipice with their youngest sibling. That moment cut off so he could leave once more and avoid the presence of the man they were all forced to tolerate. None of them would complain, however, every single one of them had supported Bastian’s decision to leave after their mother passed. All of them had wished to protect him from their father’s influence as much as possible.

            “I understand, Bastian, and I have missed you as well. Please, call whenever you would like.”

            “Of course. Goodbye Hermann.” No sooner had they disconnected than Hermann’s phone was ringing again with Karla’s number. Hermann gave a sigh as Newton finally got his tie in what he felt was a satisfactory condition before he came to sit next to Hermann on the bed with a light frown as he no doubt picked up on his distress.

            “Dad’s coming.” Karla didn’t even give him a chance to say hello when he picked up before she blurted out the news. What followed were a few seconds of silence and Hermann let out a sigh.

            “Yes, Bastian just warned me as such.”

            “You don’t have to come, you know. Diets and I have already agreed we’ll come up with some story for you and you can just stay at the hotel with the others today. I know you didn’t want to see him this trip,” Karla said sounding frustrated and angry. “I tried to convince him not to come but he said he wanted to see us all.”

            “We will still come, I will not be able to avoid him forever no matter how appealing that may sound. Thank you for the warning though. At least this time he gave some warning that he planned on showing up.” Newton leaned against his side as he listened to the half of the conversation he could hear. It wouldn’t be that difficult for the man to figure out what was going on. It would hopefully not be too horrible of a meeting with their father given that all three of them would be present to defuse some of his commentary. It may make it worse as well, Dietrich was fiercely protective of all his younger siblings to the point where it had led to several loud and adamant arguments when their father in the past. The conversation with his sister was short once the main conflict had been revealed and Hermann hung up the phone with a heavy feeling in his gut and a mild pounding already in the back of his mind.

            “Thought we were going to get lucky,” Newton said as he slipped his arms around him. Hermann placed a kiss on the top of Newton’s head feeling the most concerned of how his father would treat the man. He had been historically harsh and critical on anyone they had introduced to him before and though he would know of Newton due to his work in the PPDC he had yet to formally meet the man. Newton would immediately have several marks against him in Lars book before they’d even set eyes on each other. “You gonna be ok with this Hermms? We could just say there’s a reason to cancel.”

            “I will have to face him eventually. I do not have the luxury of slipping away from this,” Hermann said regretfully. “I feel I should warn you that he will not take kindly to you no matter what. You will not be ‘what he wanted for me’ amongst other things he will find to pick apart about you.”

            “I can handle your dad, dude, don’t worry. Should we get going if we’re gonna do this?” Hermann ran a hand over his face before checking his watch for the time. Newton was already shifting to get up off the bed and he caught the man before he could pull too far away. Newton looked back at him with those ridiculous green eyes full of concern and curiosity and Hermann pulled him gently back for a kiss. Newton was grinning by the time their lips parted and they rested their foreheads against each other.

            “He is likely to ask questions, state opinions and push for information during our dinner. You are not obligated to answer or respond to anything he says if you do not feel comfortable.” Newton’s smile softened some as tugged on Hermann’s collar to pull him in for another quick kiss.

            “I got this. You’re talking to a rockstar here.” Hermann gave a soft snort of amusement before reluctantly nudging Newton back once more. They really should get going as it was best that they arrive before his father.

 

            Karla was perhaps the most anxious out of all of them. From the moment they’d arrived at the house to when the doorbell had announced the inevitable arrival of their father she had been rushing around the house trying to ensure that everything was in its place. Vanessa followed her with Adalia in her arms attempting to calm her and watching with concern. Dietrich took a far more relaxed approach in preparing for the unwelcome visit by simply sitting on the couch and trying to tell Karla that it wouldn’t matter anyway in a tired voice.

            It was an extremely different atmosphere amongst the Gottlieb clan than the day before when there had been relaxed conversations and joking amongst them. Hermann stayed quiet as he chose to sit next to Dietrich who glanced at him from time to time with a soft frown while attempting to reassure their sister. Newton sat close to Hermann and squirmed slightly under the almost fearful anticipation swirling through the back of their collective mind.

            Lunch itself was a quiet affair once Lars had arrived. He’d stepped into the house and given it a critical look as though he was a drill sergeant doing bunk inspection. There wasn’t much conversation through the first portion of lunch which was extremely delicious no matter what Lars Fucking Gottlieb implied. Newton would admit that he was perhaps more than slightly irritated already at this point despite the relative lack of commentary so far simply because you could tell that it was building up to it. Hermann felt like he was just waiting for some bomb to go off in the next room and the attitudes of the rest of the people sitting at the table made him feel on edge. Even little Adalia seemed to pick up on the mood as she stared at her grandfather in silence when he picked her up. That was maybe the one moment that Lars seemed almost human as he talked softly at the baby.

            It was after lunch when Vanessa had retreated to put Adalia down for a nap on her own after Lars had made a criticizing comment about how one of their hostesses should stay with the guest had pinned Karla down to sitting in the living room with them. Dietrich had been fielding most of the conversation so far with a sarcastic edge that lacked the affection he used when egging his siblings on. Newton was trying to nurse his cup of tea until it cooled more and he leaned forward to set it down next to Hermann’s own cup.

            “My understanding is that you have taken on some of the former jaeger pilots as clients recently, Dietrich,” Lars said from where he sat in the arm chair. The rest of them had banded together onto the couch even though they didn’t quite fit and Karla was, in fact, sitting on the arm of the couch next to him.

            “I can’t really speak about my patients Lars though I’m sure if it was true you would know.” Lars gave his eldest son a narrowed look that was eerily familiar though Newton felt it lacked some sort of warmth that Hermann had even at the times he’d been truly angry with him.

            “I suppose it’s at least something more productive than listening to the prattle of disgruntled children and depressed office workers,” Lars said stiffly. Dietrich squared his shoulders as he sat up a little straighter and Newton saw Hermann nudge him gently. “And how about you, Karla? How has your job been going at that software firm? If you need I am certain I could find you more satisfying job within the PPDC somewhere.”

            “It’s actually going great, dad, I’m really happy there and it lets me stay home with Vanessa and Adalia. We’ve actually made some great advances recently and there’s interest in using some of our programming in establishing a new international space station that could be used to established a wider range of monitoring for breach activity down here,” Karla said with an uncertain smile. “Vanessa is planning on making sure all her certifications are up to date again so that she can get back to nursing as well.”

            “Shouldn’t one of you be staying home with your child?”

            “She’s going to try to work nights for the first few years until Adalia is old enough to start into school during the day so that one of us can be home with her at all times,” Karla said with a tight smile. Newton hadn’t really expected it to be quite so literally like Lars was trying to pick his children off one by one. He felt a small spike of defensiveness for all of them as he found Hermann’s hand to take hold of.

            “That’s actually a great way to work it during the earlier years for a kid. It allows them time with both parents instead of having to deal with finding a reliable sitter or daycare. My father and uncle did that with me,” he chimed in to back Karla up when it seemed like Lars was working on coming up with a way to criticize this plan as well. Newton felt a little like drawing back out of sight behind Karla when Lars leveled a look at him but he just gave him an uneasy smile.

            “You two have been having an exciting last few months. I sincerely hope that any issues you may have been experiencing have straightened themselves out at this point, Dr. Geiszler.” Oh good, he’d brought the attention down on Hermann and him. He felt Hermann shift beside him and it took Newton a second to realize that they were trying to make room for Vanessa who had just returned. Newton scooted over with Hermann so that Vanessa could squeeze into the small space left between him and the arm of the couch. She gave him a quick glance as though to say ‘this is something, huh’ before they were called to attention again. “You have not developed any more abnormalities, have you?”

            “No, he has not father. Since I spoke with you after the disaster that was New York, no thanks to you, there has been nothing more to report,” Hermann said a bit sharply. Newton glanced at him wondering just how much Lars knew about what had happened over the last several months. Hermann returned his look steadily before he reached forward to pick up his mug of tea. Hermann was tension and irritation just then and Newton hoped maybe they’d do another round through the siblings before they came to focus on them again so some of the edge would wear off.

            “Surely Dr. Geiszler can speak for himself. My understanding from what I’ve read and had relayed to me he is rather fond of talking,” Lars said in a chastising tone to Hermann who paused as he took a sip of his tea.

            “Ha, yeah, that’s me. I sure love talking but really, like Hermann said, there’s not really been any new and weird developments. Actually I think things are getting back to normal for the most part or at least as normal as they’ve ever been for me. And Hermann’s not really had the same problems as me though he only drifted once and not by himself,” Newton said. He felt the need to deflect the conversation, to keep that sense of white noise at a minimum in Hermann’s mind. He didn’t mind being the one under fire considering he’d rather take the criticism than to have it leveled at Hermann.

            “That’s good then. The last thing Hermann needs now is a partner who is going to be a potential issue or hold him back in anyway. His work on the breach will have opened some doors for him and though he may have found better opportunities had he listened to me when I suggested he abandon the Jaeger program and PPDC and put his efforts towards more lucrative pursuits it seems he should still be able to do well for himself.”

            “Actually, if Hermann had focused his work elsewhere we’d all probably be dead or bowing down to our new alien warlords or whatever so I’d say he made the right call,” Newton said as his own anger spiked. It was Hermann who was now trying to remind him to stay calm though they were both remembering the arguments over the phone and the frustration at being told it wasn’t enough or correct or  whatever other variation Lars could think of to insinuate that Hermann didn’t know what he was doing. “And, actually, if I remember right your big plan was to build a super special wall that would just magically hold the Kaiju out forever. Well, we saw how well that worked. It took Mutavore what? An hour before he broke through and then Striker had to come and kick its ass. Big surprise there that your wall wasn’t able to stand up to a creature that literally could tear through a city.”

            “The wall was the attempt to find a realistic approach to defending ourselves while the Jaegers were proving to be a failed experiment. We would not have been able to keep up a high enough production of Jaegers and turn out enough drift compatible pilots for it to have been a viable defense in the long run,” Lars said with a bit more fire himself though he seemed almost surprised to have someone adamantly fighting back against him.

            “Hermann was also able to discover the reason the initial attempts on the breach failed. Even before the drift he mentioned that he had realized there had to be some sort of field that was keeping the nuclear devices from making it through. I don’t think you can really discredit the work he was doing,” Dietrich chimed in as well. Hermann sat silently between the two of them while Vanessa and Karla seemed to be trying to tell Newton to back off without actually using words to do so.

            “I was not attempting to discredit Hermann’s work, however, at the time the PPDC was failing and it was not going to continue to be a viable option just as it will become obsolete now at some near point in the future. You, the moment you chose to drift with that creature and drag my son along with you, made yourself obsolete in every sense. If Hermann is wise he will not tie himself to someone who’s only real body of work will be considered a novelty item of no real use.”

            “Oh! A novelty item. All that research and work put into figuring out the kaiju is just going to be a novelty now. Yeah, I can really see that. I can see how it would be completely useless in the cleaning up and repairing of our planet. Or; even on the chance that sometime in the future the breach reopens and they come back but sure, just throw it out the window. It’s just useless data now,” Newton snarked back feeling that buzz of anger growing in the back of his mind. It was swirling sort of blinding thing that was growing in intensity like the din of thunder as a storm grew closer. “And as for me forcing your son to do anything-“

            “He is lucky that you did not kill him with your reckless behavior or cause him an even greater handicap than the one he already-“ Newton blanched as he realized that buzzing great thing in the back of his mind wasn’t actually in his head and he recognized the feeling even before it punched him in the temporal lobe.

            “Enough!” Hermann’s knuckles had been white around the cup in the seconds leading up to that flash. Within the moments that Newton had realized his oversight to when the pain receded again the cup had gone from being in Hermann’s hands to suddenly being across the room shattered against the wall and Hermann was standing.

            There was an undetermined amount of time where everything seemed to stand still around them except for the strange flicker of something out of the corner of his eyes and some whispered accusations that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once. That anger and pain and guilt that had escaped were retreating back behind that barrier in Hermann’s mind as they were replaced with horrified realization and a silent plea. _No, not here. Not now…_

            “Hermann, are you all right?” It was Lars who spoke up first and in that moment he sounded like the concerned father as he slowly stood and set his own cup aside. Hermann looked at him with wide eyes before he seemed to become fully aware of himself once more; smoothing out the front of his shirt as he glanced around the room but never quite met anyone’s eyes.

            “I…yes, I apologize for my outburst. That was completely unacceptable. I…I just need a moment,” Hermann said, his voice a mockery of calm as he moved to grab his cane as Dietrich reached out to help support him. Newton was on his feet as well as he scrambled to follow after Hermann down the hall. Hermann walked down the hall quickly as Newton could feel the soft lull of nausea beneath the surface though the physicist veered off into the empty spare room rather than the bathroom. Newton slipped in behind him and the two of them stood silent in the darkness for a few long seconds until Hermann moved to sit on the edge of the bed without thought to the lights.

            Newton turned them on mainly so that he could get a clear look at Hermann so that he could know he was ok. He could tell in the back of his mind that Hermann wasn’t exactly all right as everything twisted about in his head though it at least wasn’t that terrible lurch of sickening emotion and loathing. Hermann sat with the palm of his hand pressed over his mouth looking pale and frightened and Newton felt a painful ache in his chest as he moved to stand in front of him.

            “Hermms, are you all right? I, dude, I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention, I didn’t notice. I thought I was just pissed, which I was but still that wasn’t ok. I’m sorry, are you ok? Do we need to get you to a doctor again?” Hermann let his hand fall away as Newton cupped his face so that he could shower kisses along his cheek where tears had started to fall. He didn’t know what this was but he knew enough that he’d triggered it both times now and Newton wasn’t ok with that. He noticed the spot of blood showing on Hermann’s upper lip though the bleeding didn’t seem to be progressing any further. He instinctually reached and dug into Hermann’s pockets for the handkerchief and dabbed at the spot carefully until it was gone.

            “I’ll be fine, just give me a few moments,” Hermann said with a sigh as his arms found their way around Newton’s waist. They hugged each other close and Newton only pulled away to place more tender kisses across Hermann’s face as he ran his hands through the man’s hair. He could feel Hermann calming though there was still that lingering regret and fear that left Newton feeling slightly hollow.

            “Are you ok now? I really am sorry, I’m so sorry. Sorrier than I’ve ever been, I shouldn’t have argued with him but he was being a fucking jerk and I just remembered all those phone calls. Do you need anything? Do you want to leave? We can leave if you want to, Hermms. God, at least you didn’t disappear this time, you disappeared last time. Just static, God I’m sorry.”

            “Newton.”

            “Yeah, what baby? What do you need? I’ll get you anything?” Newton looked down at Hermann as he cupped the man’s jaw gently because he wasn’t entirely certain Newton wasn’t going to crumble under his touch. Hermann finally met his eyes and Newton couldn’t resist the urge to press a kiss against the man’s lips because the contact made him feel a bit more anchored to Hermann.

            “I’m fine,” Hermann said softly when Newton pulled back out of the kiss once more. Newton narrowed his eyes skeptically because there were still tears clinging to Hermann’s stupidly long lashes and that empty feeling that was only interrupted when that sick feeling rose in the back of their throats again. Newton pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes as he tried to sort out what was his own panic over Hermann’s so he could try to calm it down. “Some water.”

            “What?” Newton opened his eyes again to look into the chocolate brown pair that sort of blended into one large eye because of how close they were. He pulled back a little so he could focus a little easier.

            “I could use some water,” Hermann said gently and Newton felt like somehow this had turned into Hermann comforting him when it really was supposed to be the other way around. Maybe they were comforting each other and it just didn’t feel like that because they were a little intertwined in the brain.

            “Oh! Yeah, of course baby, I can do that. That’s definitely a thing I can do,” Newton said as he pulled away, both of them reluctant to fully let go of the other. Newton was hesitant to leave Hermann alone for any amount of time and his desire to both grab Hermann the water he wanted while staying within arm’s length caused a renewed twisted of anxiety.

            “I’ll stay with him if you want.” They both froze for a millisecond before Newton turned to find Dietrich standing in the doorway. “I’d like to talk with Hermann anyway so that will give us a few minutes, ya?” Newton nodded though he looked down at Hermann to make sure this was acceptable.

            “It’s all right, Newton, please go and get some water,” Hermann said as he talked carefully while he took advantage of Newton still being in front of him to wipe the tears away before his brother could see him.

            “Ok, right, right,” Newton mumbled as he leaned to steal one more kiss and tried to instill every peaceful calm thought he could into the moment before he stepped around Dietrich to head down the hall.

 

            Hermann waited as Dietrich came in to sit down beside him and the two of them stayed like that for a few moments until his brother seemed to decide they were ready to talk. He hadn’t talked to Dietrich since the first incident in New York though there was no doubt in Hermann’s mind that he’d heard. Hermann had expected it though that wasn’t to say he had exactly expected it in New York either. That time though it had built up and snow balled in on top of him in a blind sort of rage but this time it had been like a punch in the gut.

            He was use to his father’s snide comments and insults but something about having those words aimed at Newton had hurt even more. It was having Newton told that he was of no use, something to be thrown away that had turned his attempts to remind Newton to stay calm into a rolling anger. It was the outright accusation that Newton could ever have been some handicap for Hermann to try to prove himself despite the man’s influence. It was the reminder that, once again, his father still saw his handicap as something that could invalidate every other piece of him if he wasn’t careful about the decisions he made.

            “How are you, little brother?” Dietrich spoke in steady tones though his concern practically radiated off of him even without Hermann being able to read his mind in particular. It was the same tone Hermann had heard from Dietrich when they were young and he’d first spoken with Hermann after the fall from the tree. He’d heard the tone once more when he’d been informed there was no way for him to pilot a Jaeger himself and Hermann had his father’s ridicule that he’d even attempt such an endeavor confirmed. There was some other conversation that he heard glimpses of in the back of his mind with Dietrich speaking in easy tones like he was doing now and it took Hermann a moment to realize that it was an echo from some memory of Newton’s that startled him slightly. “Hermann?”

            “I’m not entirely certain how I am,” Hermann said with a sigh. Dietrich nodded as he put an arm around Hermann’s shoulders and pulled him close against his side. Hermann let him, allowed himself to feel secure and anchored by his brother’s presence as he had when it was Newton holding him in place.

            “Was that the same was what happened in New York?” Hermann closed his eyes to shut out the light that felt just a little too bright for his eyes. He was a small child once more being assured that things would be all right, a teenage boy being told by Dietrich that he’d teach Hermann how to defend himself against those bullies that had been making his life difficult and perilous.

            “Yes and no. New York was far worse than this. I knew perfectly well where I was and what I was doing this time while in New York I…lost myself in a place that I don’t quite remember. I felt I was somewhere else entirely,” Hermann said after he felt like he could speak again.

            “Was New York the first time this has happened?” Hermann wondered if Dietrich used this voice when he spoke with his patients. If he spoke in this calm lull that was meant to sooth and calm that he’d perfected by being the eldest of four children.

            “Yes, though I know I have also been having nightmares ever since Newton and I drifted with the hive mind. I think they may be related as I have that same feeling of having been some place when I wake from my dreams as I did when I had the incident in New York. I…I do apologize Dietrich, it was not my intention to bring this all into your lives in such a manner.” Hermann sat up some as his brother tutted at him and reached over to ruffle his hair much to Hermann’s disdain.

            “I doubt you wanted to let us know about it at all, Hermann, you are terrible at trying to keep things to yourself. This place you feel you mentally go to; does it feel familiar to you? Do you remember anything about it?” Dietrich let himself fall back onto the bed as he waited for an answer though there was no doubt in Hermann’s mind that his brother was paying full attention to him still.

            “I don’t remember much. It does feel familiar, I suppose, and there is always something just out of the corner of my eye. A flicker of movement that I understand hides something terrible. It feels as though the evidence of every failure of the past ten years has been gathered in one space and that somewhere within it all is something terrible that I’ve done.”

            “Do you feel as though you have done something terrible?” Dietrich asked and Hermann felt his brother grab the fabric of his shirt to pull him down so they were lying side by side and staring up at the ceiling.

            “You are not my therapist, Dietrich.”

            “No, I’m your big brother. They are in essence the same thing only I get to tease you horribly when I choose too. Now, do you feel like you’ve done something terrible?” Hermann gave Dietrich a look but sighed in resignation as he turned to stare up at the clear white ceiling of the room and trying to dig into his own thoughts without falling into that frightening pit that seemed settled somewhere in his mind.

            “It would not be there if I didn’t and you know that. However, what it is I can’t seem to pin down. What has such weight compared to all the rest…I’m not sure I want to know.” Hermann shook his head lightly as he pulled himself back from that edge as he heard the whisper of shifting fabric.

            “You blame yourself for too much, little brother, you always have. Whatever this things is I don’t think it will go away until you confront it and forgive yourself for it. Your reaction to it though, slipping into some other place where you are confused where you are and lose your handle on your emotions? It is likely caused by the drift, bringing it out in ways that wouldn’t normally occur. What is it called? Chasing the bunny, can that happen when you’re not actively drifting?”

            “Perhaps. I am not entirely certain. And it’s chasing the rabbit; not chasing the bunny,” Hermann said with a shake of his head and Dietrich gave a snort of amusement.

            “Same thing. And, I would be careful just in case you can go chasing a hare down into its burrow. We don’t want you lost in Wonderland.” Dietrich spoke in jest though there was a seriousness in his eyes as they turned to look at each other. “You can talk to us about all of this, you know that? We won’t judge, we’re your family. We just want to know you’re ok, little brother.”

            “I…yes, I know,” Hermann said with a quiet huff.

            “Hermms, I got your water.” They both sat up at the sound of Newton’s voice and there was a moment where the biologist stood in the doorway staring at them. ‘Yeah, ok, you two would be creepy good drift partners. Um, is it ok if I come back in? Is everything all right? I could go, ah, linger in the hall or something for a bit longer?”

            “No, you come in Newton. Everything is fine,” Hermann said as he patted the empty space on the bed beside him. Newton nodded as he moved into the room, handing the glass of water off to Hermann with an almost shy smile before he sat down. Hermann took a sip of the water as Dietrich threw an arm around his shoulders again.

            “You’re taking care of my baby brother, right?” Dietrich tapped Newton’s shoulder from around Hermann. Newton gave him a smile as he cuddle up against Hermann’s other side effectively pinning him between the two of them. He fussed about it though truth be told it was perhaps the safest he’d felt in a long while tucked there between his brother and Newton.

            “Of course or at least I try. I’ve started to notice after the past ten years that he’s kind of stubborn, you know?” Newton joked easily as drew small circles on Hermann’s knee gently. There was still that litany of worried thoughts flitting through his mind, silent questions pushed against the fabric of thought that Hermann did his best to answer and reassure.

            “Hm, yes, that is an unfortunate trait that runs throughout the Gottlieb family,” Dietrich said sagely. Vanessa stepped into the room and gave them all a glance over as she seemed to try to gauge what sort of mood the general room was in with her eyes lingering over Hermann for a few seconds longer than the other two.

            “Karla managed to get Lars to leave. He said he wanted us to pass on his farewell and his regret that the afternoon ended on a sour note,” she said with a hint of sarcasm. “Karla will be back in a minute. She was seeing him out and was going to check in on Adalia first. Everyone alright in here?”

            “Well, I’m never really ‘all right’, Nessa, but as far as I can tell these other two are fine,” Dietrich said with a grin. They spent the rest of the afternoon together and Karla just ordered in food for dinner rather than take the time to cook. They avoided the topic of the broken ceramic that was scattered in the trash bin or the tea stained towel. They discussed what an ass Lars was in a light mocking sort of way and never straying into serious conversation of the things said. Karla held him for a long time when they finally had to say goodbye out of necessity, squeezing him tightly before turning on Newton to do the same. Vanessa got teary eyed and kissed them both on the cheek before they left with Dietrich who was going to drive them back.

            “You better call, little brother,” Dietrich said when they were standing outside the front lobby doors of the hotel. He gave Hermann a meaningful look but didn’t elaborate further before another round of hugs and his departure back to their sister’s place. Newton would insist on telling Herc about the incident as they worked on packing though Hermann didn’t really put up much of a fight on the subject. He would have told the Marshall whether Newton had insisted on it or not out of respect. While they packed Newton hovered close to him and checked on him with subtle touches and being extra helpful with the chore. 

            When they finally went to sleep that night the rest of Europe waited on them over the next couple of months.

 


	14. No denying I am scared to lose this things I love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann's birthday passes in a haze, a familiar face shows up and isn't exactly welcomed and London turns into a disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I'm gonna include some warning here. The ending of this chapter has a decent amount of violence. I'll be putting a short little synopsis at the end for anyone who wants to skip reading it for personal reasons. I don't think I got too terribly graphic but I don't want anyone to be caught off guard either. I would suggest stopping after Newton gets off the elevator and towards the end you can pick up again when Hermann says "You need to get out, Newton." to get the wrap up to avoid the physical violence. There is still a brief mention of a weapon in the last section but it's mainly focused on the mental states of Newton and Hermann at that point. 
> 
> There's also a lot of anxiety and some mental confusion towards the very end of the chapter. 
> 
> Also, thank you AO3 for keeping my formatting for once cause the ending would have been a pain. 
> 
> Also, we're close to the end. One to two more chapters depending on how much I go on. 
> 
> Chapter Title from Breaking Benjamin's "You Fight Me". 
> 
> Also, I'm sorry.

            It had actually only been two weeks until his birthday which snuck up on Hermann much faster than he realized. They were in Spain by then after having spent a week traveling through areas of Greece and Italy as they hit a much wider circuit of cities than even the typical ‘rock star’ as Newton commented one night when they’d returned to their hotel room exhausted and tired.

            The day of his birthday seemed to be over before it even began. Newton had woken him up that morning with a cup of coffee and a piece of coffee cake from the small café in the hotel lobby. Hermann rolled his eyes as he put on an act of thin tolerance as Newton sang Happy Birthday to him while cuddling up against his side in the bed. They barely had time to finish the shared pastry before they had to be up and getting ready for more public appearances. They had a translator now for some of the interviews and meetings though Raleigh proved to be sufficient in Spanish to make due in most situations. The others slowly throughout the day wished him Happy Birthday when they got the chance though he was glad that the fact never made it into any of the interviews.

            By the time they were free for the day everyone was exhausted so there was only the small celebration of dinner. They ate at a quaint little place that was quiet and intimate for dinner as they broke away from the habit of simply eating what was available at the hotel for the occasion. Still, it was perhaps one of the more relaxed dinner they’d had since the tour had begun with the exception being their dinner at Karla’s a few weeks ago. They talked about the past but some of the quiet sense of mourning was replaced with fond nostalgia as they discussed interrupted arguments in the labs, the great bagel shortage of 2018 and remembrance of people who couldn’t be with them.

            It was late by the time they made their way back to the hotel and all parted ways to their rooms. Mako and Raleigh walked shoulder to shoulder in silent companionship back to their room while Herc half dragged Tendo along with him so that the LOCCENT officer would let Hermann and Newton be. When they stepped into the darkness of their room Hermann gave a content sigh as he relaxed back against the closed door. He was tired and sore though warm and happy as he listened to Newton fumble for the light switch on the wall.

            “Dude, how hard is it to put a light switch in a logical positions so you can turn it on when you walk in the door?” Newton said with a quiet curse as he finally hit the switch so the room illuminated dimly from the main lamp. Hermann raised an eyebrow at him as he glanced to the position of the switch itself which was within arm’s length of where he was currently standing with his back to the door. “Don’t even give me that look. It should be right next to the door.”

            “I believe that’s a perfectly logical placement, Dr. Geiszler,” Hermann said with a shake of his head as he dragged himself away from his makeshift support to move further into the room. Newton huffed lightly as he followed after him and tried to stifle a yawn which momentarily interrupted what Hermann knew was going to be his rebuttal.

            “Whatever, Spock, it’s hard to find that little switch in the dark, ok?” Hermann gave a quiet sound of amusement as he sat carefully on the edge of the bed. He felt as though he could simply lie back and fall asleep without taking the time to change into his pajamas. His body had that heavy loose feeling that came with true exhaustion that settled down deep into his core.

            “How is it your tolerance for alcohol seems to be lessening?” He asked the question as he opened his eyes to find Newton lowering himself down to his knees in front of him. Newton gave him a look from over the rim of his glasses before looking down to start untying Hermann’s shoes. This had started to become a habit on these nights when they were both so worn out that the simple task of changing felt like an impassible obstacle.

            “I only had one drink, dude, I am working with a drastically slowed mental process right now due to my own fatigue,” Newton said as he rested his forehead against Hermann’s right knee while he fumbled with the laces on his shoes. Hermann smiled fondly down at him and ran a hand through his hair which managed to elicit a small hum of pleasure from the man.

            “You do not need to do that, liebling.” Newton managed to get Hermann’s left shoe loosened and pulled it free to set aside carefully before he started on the right. Newton let his continued attempts to remove Hermann’s shoes be his argument though he couldn’t help but add a mental ‘ _I do what I want’_ in the end. When his second shoes was off Newton looked up at him with a goofy grin that Hermann decided that he was going to remove.

He took hold of Newton’s collar as he pulled the man up so he could press a kiss against his lips. Newton made a quiet noise of surprise that turned into another soft hum of happiness as he leaned up into the kiss and parted his lips. Hermann longed to take full advantage of that but as his eyes fluttered closed he felt that exhausted pull on his mind once more. He lingered a little longer before he pulled back out of the kiss to try and stifle a yawn. He heard Newton give a quiet laugh and opened his eyes a crack to watch the man stumble to his feet.

            “Mm, come on Hermms, shirt time,” Newton coaxed as he stepped forward to lean over him. He took a hold of the edge of Hermann’s vest to try and pull it over his head but Hermann stopped him by taking ahold of his wrists. He tugged Newton down as he laid back so that the man was settled over top of him like a blanket. “And you were giving me shit about tolerance.”

            “I believe I am simply being affectionate, Dr. Geiszler,” Hermann said with a slightly reprimanding tone as he placed a kiss on top of Newton’s head. The biologist was warm and Hermann found he was just comfortable enough lying there that he could almost drift off. Newton seemed to be thinking the same thing as he relaxed and nuzzled against Hermann’s neck. He could have almost contemplated staying like that as they lay there still stuck in the clothes they’d been in since morning as he felt Newton’s body heat sink into him. It was far from the first time he’d debated this option during their trip. It was, in truth, a frequently contemplated option.

            “Ya know, we could just sleep in our clothes,” Newton mumbled as his lips grazed over Hermann’s neck. He wasn’t entirely certain just then whether the man had been following his thought process or merely having a similar one of his own as he cracked open his eyes. He battled with the thought of allowing them both to be so lazy but by the end of the debate Hermann sighed.

            “We have been in these same clothes since early this morning. I’d rather not venture as to what a full twenty-four hours in them would feel like.” Hermann tilted his head lightly as Newton nipped at his skin lightly before soothing it with another press of lips.

            “Could just sleep naked?” Newton mumbled it against his skin as he started to work on what Hermann suspected would be a hickey come morning. He frowned softly, feeling it was a bit childish to be leaving hickey marks, though he couldn’t bring himself to stop Newton either as the thought of such a think caused a warmth to spread into his chest. He chose to instead consider the new suggestion for their sleep state and all it would entail. It was a pleasant thought to have Newton so close and warm, skin to skin, not to mention the soft and cool brush of the sheets draped around them. Newton had surprisingly soft skin with just the rasp of dryness other than his hands which were calloused and rough.

            “You are very soft like chalk dust,” he murmured not truly thinking through whether the thought would make sense voiced out loud or not. There was a long silence between them though Hermann could sense the change. Newton, who had been heavy exhaustion and lazy lust, was now becoming a swell of amusement and humors that spoke clearly in the back of Hermann’s mind even before the man started to shake with his laughter. “That was perhaps not the most eloquent way to say what I was thinking.” Hermann tried to keep the mirth out of his own voice even as Newton broke with a snort into a peals of laughter.

            “Oh God, no…but…no it is,” Newton said between bursts of joy-filled breathes as he buried his face into Hermann’s shoulder. “That’s probably like…the biggest compliment coming from you. Oh my God, dude, please tell me more. Wax romantically about how my voice is like the screech of chalk across the board.” Hermann gave him a soft scowl though he could feel the infectious laughter bubbling up in his own chest now as Newton lost it once more with a soft wheeze.

            “Well, I would never make such a comparison unprompted however as you have already stated the similarity,” Hermann said with a light huff of breath as he tried desperately not to start laughing though a grin had come to his face.

“Love, thy name is chalk dust and thy voice is the squeal of an abused blackboard.” He looked up at Hermann with a self-depreciating grin on his face and they both immediately lost it as they broke into more heaving laughs muffled against the other. Part of it was the fatigue that made the moment so humorous though part of it was just the need for the carefree feeling; that aching in your ribs and throat from sheer joy over all the lingering pains of loss. They were both gasping for breath by the time either of them were able to pull some self-control back though the moment they made eye contact again there was another small outbreak of the giggles.

“Alright, lieblingKreidestaub, we still must undress if we’re going to sleep sans clothing or otherwise,” Hermann said once he was capable of speech once more and he toyed with Newton’s hair as the last of the man’s laughter died off into a tired form of content.

            “You always know exactly how to phrase something to remove all possible sexiness from it, Hermann,” Newton said with another breathy chuckle though he pressed a kiss against Hermann’s jaw before forcing himself to get up again. “Despite that, I’m so ready for sleep so come on doctor! It’s time to get those clothes off.” Hermann gave a quiet groan as he forced himself to sit up with some help from Newton who took ahold of his hands. They undressed each other a bit sloppily as Hermann tried to stifle a yawn as though the bout of humor having now passed had left an even larger chasm of fatigue behind it.

            They climbed into bed together as Newton leaned to turn the lamp off at its base. It took a few moments in the dark to get situated into what was becoming their normal tangle of legs and arms that mostly consisted of Newton wrapped up around him like he was a starfish clinging to a tether in the reef. Hermann lay there as he took in the quiet of it; Newton’s chalk dust skin pressed along his side. The sheets were soft and cool though they were quickly warming with the ghost of the man’s body heat around them as Newton’s breath tickled across his shoulder and clavicle. He drifted at some point like that; listening to Newton’s breathing fall into a deep and heavy rhythm and their skin seeming to fuse together so they were one large dreaming creature adrift in the sea.

 

            Sometime in the early morning hours Hermann woke with a start beside him. Newton had already been awake for a short while at that point and he’d been expecting it to be honest. The physicist had started having the dreams more frequently again after Berlin and it sort of made Newton want to punch Hermann’s father in the face even though that small rational part of him he sometimes preferred to ignore knew it wouldn’t be a productive solution. He caught Hermann before he could fall out of bed as he struggled to make sense of his surroundings and they both wound up tangled and dangerously close to the edge though still intact.

            “Hey, it’s ok, I’ve got you Hermms,” Newton mumbled as Hermann seemed to fully come around and he heard the man give a defeated sigh. Newton hated the sound of that and it frustrated him that he couldn’t seem to help with the dreams. They were doing so good otherwise; they were both feeling decent at least if not a bit spread thin with their current schedule and the almost consistent requirement to interact with strangers who wanted to know all the details about their life. Hermann slumped against him as he Newton pressed a kiss to his ridiculous mushroom of a haircut that was actually starting to get a bit long. Newton’s was too though he wasn’t itching as bad as Hermann was to get it cut back to ‘regulation’ as though they had some specific style of hair they were required to keep.

            “I’m sorry I wish I hadn’t woken you,” Hermann finally said when he seemed certain that they were both solidly there. Hermann wrapped his arms around him as Newton was beginning to remember the fact that they were both naked and was devoutly trying not to dwell on it. Hermann was still exhausted and there was that heavy taunt pull of sore muscles and joints slipping through on his end that made Newton’s bones ache in sympathy. He wished he could do something for that as well. He had never realized how painfully the fatigue settled into Hermann’s whole body, not even just in his bad leg.

            “Don’t worry about it, dude, I was already up like usual,” Newton said reassuringly as he wished he had his glasses on. Instead he was left alternating between squinting and wide eyed staring at the clock on the nightstand like some confused but angry owl. He hadn’t actually bothered to check the time when he’d woken up with the fading memory of crashing waves and ocean spray but now he was curious to just how early it was.

            “You really should try to sleep for more than just a few hours, Newton,” Hermann said in that fond but scolding tone he used that reminded Newton sometimes of a disappointed teacher. Hermann would have been the hot teacher had Newton had him during any of his time spent at university.

            “I do try, it just doesn’t yield the desired results. I feel fine though, promise, cat like reflexes and the focus of a hawk,” Newton said as he still tried to decipher the blurred red letters on the clock. He really hated his eyes sometimes, they really were the worst. Hermann made a quiet noise that boarded on amusement and incredulity as he pulled away from Newton which hadn’t been the desired result either.

            “It is three in the morning, Dr. Geiszler, if you really must know.” Newton scoffed indignantly at the insinuation that he hadn’t been able to see the clock just fine on his own as he shifted and tried to untangle them some so he could lay back down more comfortably. Once he had them free of the sheets and each other he scooted over to give Hermann room to move away from the edge of the bed. It was apparently now Hermann’s turn to remember the state they were in as he gave Newton a once over and Newt was positive that if it wasn’t so damn dark in there the guy would be blushing.

            “Do you wanna try to head back to sleep?” Hermann settled so he was lying on his stomach with his head cradled in his arms. Newton rolled onto his side so he could look at Hermann who was not blurry at all from this distance so he could see the soft frown on the man’s face.

            “Will you be going back to sleep?” Newton thought briefly about lying but he knew that Hermann would figure it out. He didn’t really like lying to Hermann in the first place though he’d rather be reassuring than admit that he was starting to think he’d be living off maybe three hours of sleep a night for the rest of forever which was _not_ going to be good on his neural functions since even losing a little sleep can diminish your processing power, but even if his goal was only to be reassuring there was also the hang up that it was harder to lie to the guy now. And, the more they seemed to even out in their mutual mental dialogue abilities the harder and harder it seemed to be; just like when he could tell if Hermann was fibbing to him about something.

            “Probably not. I’m pretty much on the awake train by now,” he admitted with an awkward shrug. Hermann frowned even harder at him with all the force of a hundred disappointed yet hot grandfathers. That may not have been his best analogy… “I’ll probably just lie here and watch you sleep or something. I mean, I uh, ah ha…yeah.”

            “You watch me sleep?” Newton could feel his cheeks grow hot as Hermann questioned him and raised an eyebrow. He hadn’t really meant to admit that he would just lie in bed and watch Hermann sleep pretty much every morning but his brain to mouth filter wasn’t effective even with normal sleep patterns and during daylight hours. There was no way to deflect this, not really, and it wasn’t like it was _that_ weird. What else was he going to do when he was awake so early and Hermann was just lying there looking all cute and peaceful and shit? Air guitar around the room in his underwear? Ok, so, maybe Newton had done that a few times in the past when he’d been suffering work and stressed induced insomnia but he’d been in a room by himself back then.

            “I might, just a little sometimes. I mean, there’s not a whole lot else to do and you’re sort of there looking all adorable and such,” Newton said as his mental rambling spilled over into the verbal realm. “Does it bug you? I could stop or find something else to try and occupy my early morning hours or something. I mean, it will be easier too once we’re not stuck in hotel rooms all the time. I can wander around the dome or whatever place we end up getting or whatever so that I’m not just like, lying here watching you or whatever.”

            “It’s quite all right, Newton, I’m simply surprised that you would have the sort of patience to be so still and calm for so long without being aided by unconsciousness,” Hermann said soothingly. Newton flashed him a quick smile in the dark very aware now of the bubbling energy of feeling put on the spot shifting and popping beneath his muscles. He squirmed a little as he glanced over along the curve of Hermann’s shoulders down his back where the sheet was draped. “It would be nice to get a place of our own when the tour is over if they do not have us move around too much for our work.”

            “Yeah. Somewhere with a bit more space though we’d have to get some furniture and shit,” Newton said as he shifted a little closer to Hermann so he could lean and press a kiss against the man’s shoulder. Hermann smiled and Newton could feel the flutter in his heart because who wouldn’t get butterflies when faced with Hermann’s smile. Now that the world was in better focus again than it had been six months ago he was finding all those old desires still existed as far as Hermann was concerned. He wanted so many of those smiles, wanted an infinite knowledge of the curves and valleys of the man’s body and every stupidly smart idea that might cross through his mind. Granted, that last one was vastly easier to obtain now that they were mentally linked human satellites.

            “We could have something more comfortable than the regulation beds,” Hermann said almost dreamily as Newton pressed another kiss over a freckle he found on the guy’s shoulder. “And perhaps at some point I will be the one awake first to watch you while you sleep.” Hermann spoke teasingly and Newton stifled a light laugh as he had to shift again so he had himself propped up over Hermann so he could claim his other shoulder blade with a kiss as well.

            “Probably not gonna happen, dude, sorry to burst that bubble of yours,” Newton said before kissing the back of Hermann’s neck over his spine and he grinned when he managed to elicit a slight shiver from the other man. “I’m good with my hands, you know?” Hermann snorted softly with laughter at the comment. “I meant more like I could give you a birthday massage since I didn’t really get you a birthday gift, perv.” Of course, Newton wasn’t exactly opposed to giving Hermann more than that either but a massage was something he could do that might help make Hermann more comfortable at least temporarily.

            “I am hardly the perverted one between the two of us, Dr. Geiszler,” Hermann said with the roll of his eyes being practically audible. “However, a massage would be rather welcome?” Newton smirked as he quickly pressed one more kiss against the bare skin of Hermann’s shoulders. He scrambled off the bed then and left a confused Hermann frowning after him as he moved to the bathroom. Newton had to switch on the light to be able to find what he was looking for which he regretted as the brightness temporarily blinded him. He was able to find the small bottle though which he held close to his face where he could read the label to make sure he wasn’t about to lather Hermann up with shampoo instead of body lotion. He flipped the light back off only to stumble out into the dresser when he walked back out of the bathroom.

            “Please try not to kill yourself,” Hermann said with all the air of a man dealing with a simpleton. “What exactly are you doing anyway?”

            “Lotion, dude, massages are only good if you have lotion. I just hope you don’t mind smelling like citrus lavender,” Newton said as he walked into the side of the bed with another curse. Hey he’d at least found the stupid thing, he thought as he climbed back up and managed to make out the shape of Hermann half sitting to look at him. “Lay back down.”

“My confidence in you has decreased significantly in the last few moments,” Hermann said critically.

“Really, Hermms? Really?” Hermann raised an eyebrow; Newt’s eyes had adjusted enough to tell that. He glared while motioning for Hermann to lie back down and there was a sigh that was betrayed by the flicker of a smile. It made Newton feel those little butterflies that had taken up residence inside him ten years ago. They had started out as little tiny fuzzy caterpillars of fondness and they’d cocooned themselves away for a while when things had gotten a bit tough but they definitely were breaking free now during the last few months.

            Newton moved so he was carefully straddling Hermann as he unscrewed the top of the small lotion jar. The scent was a bit strong and very floral but nice all the same. Maybe not quite what he’d pick out for Hermann as far as a cologne or perfume would go but the lavender was a calming scent. Newton hummed a little to himself as he fought to squeeze some of the lotion into the palm of his hand before he carelessly dropped the bottle besides him on the bed. He rubbed the lotion between his palms and started first at Hermann’s shoulders.

            Other than flinching at the first touch of the still cool lotion against his skin Hermann lay still beneath him as Newton focused on finding and following the lean strung fibers of muscles that ran under the physicist’s skin. Newton was good at this though it’d been a while since his university days when he’d first perfected his massage technique. He wished it had been as scandalous as it may have sounded but it’d been pretty innocent moments with overstressed friends.

            Newton was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard a low moan come from Hermann when he hit a knot part way down the man’s back.  This was perhaps not as innocent as the school day memories with just the sheet currently between them and Hermann making those sort of noises beneath him. Maybe he should have pulled some clothes on when he’d gotten up to grab the lotion. Newton leaned down this time so he could kiss between Hermann’s shoulder blades before he pressed the pad of his thumb into the knot once more to try and work it loose.

            The further down Hermann’s back Newton got the more knots he found to try and work loose. Each time he came across one and placed his focus on it Hermann would give another little groan. With every little noise that Hermann made the more aware it made Newton of their close proximity and the feel of Hermann’s skin. He scooted down so he could start on Hermann’s lower back and he bit his bottom lip when Hermann arched his back lightly into his touch. He felt a flutter of amusement that came through on Hermann’s end of their connection and Newton narrowed his eyes as he pressed into a tangle of knots.

            “You’re doing that on purpose, dude.”

            “I do not know what you mean, Dr. Geiszler.” Newton frowned down towards Hermann’s head as he shifted a bit again and hit another spot that dragged a moan out of the other man. Hermann very pointedly drug this one out and Newton felt a tightening in his gut and he didn’t even have to look down at himself to know his cock was getting hard.

            “You really are a perv you know. All I was offering was a massage and here you are making indecent sounds and arching your back. You are a sexual deviant, Hermann Gottlieb,” Newton said in a scolding tone. Hermann wasn’t able to completely stifle his laugh that broke through in muffled tones against the crook of his arm. Newton leaned down and nipped gently at Hermann’s skin this time as he let his hips press down against Hermann’s. He had to try and keep his own soft whimper quiet as his dick was momentarily trapped against the back of Hermann’s thigh.

            “Perhaps you truly are just good with your hands,” Hermann said with just a hint of mocking in his tone. Newton dragged those very hands down to Hermann’s thighs now to find all the little spots where muscles tended to knot and strain. He took care on the man’s left thigh where there was still a noticeable scar and the shape of his muscles were leaner. He lazily trailed kisses along the length of Hermann’s thighs as he did his best to keep from rushing. They had time just then and he’d not really gotten to properly explore Hermann yet. They’d so far rushed through things every chance they got after ten years of dragging feet and hiding their feelings.

            Hermann smelled like someone had planted millions of lavender bushes in the center of an orange orchard thanks to the lotion as Newton placed a kiss at the base of the man’s spine. His Hermann was all lean muscles pulled tight over bones with soft yielding spaces hidden near his hips. Newton could probably have mapped him carefully layer by layer simply by the feel of him. Hermann maybe needed to eat a little more, not that they currently had much time for any of them to eat. Newton had lost some weight too on the tour though he’d lost some weight before that even when he’d had those blurry numb weeks where his brain didn’t quite work right and he hadn’t cared. He nuzzled against the small of Hermann’s back as he heard the soft rumble of the man’s words without fully hearing them.

            “Hm?” Newton glanced up towards where Hermann’s head would be if it wasn’t a completely dark blur. He really needed to remember to grab his glasses next time he was within arm’s length of the night stand. Hermann propped himself up slightly on his elbows so he could direct his words towards Newton more this time.

            “You are in need of a shave,” Hermann reiterated and Newton grinned up at him.

            “What’s wrong, Hermms? Not a fan of the stubble?” Newton nuzzled against Hermann some more as he asked the question and broke into laughter when he got an indignant squawk from the man. Hermann smacked lightly at him as his own laughter broke out, struggling to turn over and break free from Newton’s attack. “Are you ticklish, Hermann?”

            “You are going to give me stubble rash, you insufferable twit,” Hermann said as he finally managed to turn over. Newton buried his face against Hermann’s stomach with the goal of continuing his barrage of stubble burn but ended up too lost in his laughter to do so. He felt Hermann’s hand move through his hair and the tremors of the man’s own laughter. Newton peeked up at him impishly for a second as Hermann thought quite clearly that Newt was deplorable which was only amplified in their minds when Newton chose to blow a raspberry against Hermann’s stomach. They were lost in laughter again for a few minutes with Newton muffling his against Hermann the best he could as the man collapsed back onto the bed.

            He was still aware of the feel of Hermann’s erection pressing into his chest where he lay splayed out after their battle. Hermann’s hand was still tangled in his hair and his fingertips were dragging slowly over his scalp in a pleasurable way. He lay there for a while longer just to enjoy the feel of it before he pressed his mouth against Hermann’s skin once more in a kiss this time. Hermann hummed softly above him as Newton started to slowly drag his open mouth downwards until he came to the rise and fall of a hipbone. He stopped to suck at the flesh for a few moments with the goal of giving Hermann a matching mark on his hip as he’d given him earlier in the night on his neck.

            If Newton thought he’d get away with it he’d probably try to convince Hermann to get his name tattooed somewhere. It would be a stupid plan and Hermann wouldn’t even humor him on the thought but there was a part of him that just wanted something he could point at and say ‘see, we’re together’. Maybe it had been that reporter lady who had tried to flirt with Hermann a couple of days ago or just his own fear that he’d lose Hermann in some way. He still had that fear, that he was cursed. It was like a blue whale in his psyche that would sink down low until you almost thought it’d been lost beneath the depths before it would rise up to surface again. It had full on breeched in Germany if he was honest.

            He pulled back for a second to try and admire his work in the dark before he pressed a kiss against the new small bruise on Hermann’s hipbone. He glanced up along the stretch of Hermann’s abdomen to catch the slightly critical look on the man’s face. Ok, so he couldn’t actually see that well but he knew alright? He knew that Hermann was staring at him with a bland expression, one eyebrow cocked as though to say ‘really?’, just the same way he knew that Hermann was thinking how adorable he looked and of different things he could be putting his mouth on just then. Hermann really was secretly some sort of sex deviant, Newton was sure of this now, it had just been buried under layers of grandpa clothes and chalk dust before.

            Newton wasn’t quite ready to stop exploring yet though as he rubbed his cheek lightly against Hermann’s thigh. The man huffed as he tugged gently enough at Newton’s hair that it didn’t hurt but got his irritation across. Newt chuckled softly as he turned his head to kiss down along Hermann’s thigh and then back up along the other until he was close to the man’s erection once more. Hermann’s hand had dropped away at some point during his exploits to stroke lazily at himself. It stilled though as Newton pressed a kiss against his sack and he heard Hermann’s sharp intake of air followed by his name. Newton still couldn’t believe that he’d wasted ten years which felt like a life time between them now. Ten years that he could have been making Hermann say his name like that, he could have had every inch of the man memorized by now. _What would have been different if they’d had those ten years?_

            Newton pressed another open mouthed kiss against Hermann’s balls and sucked them in causing Hermann to moan. The man shifted up above Newton’s head as he propped himself up on his elbows. Newton hummed lightly as he dragged his tongue up along the length of Hermann’s cock before the other man stopped him with a hand beneath his chin. Newton frowned as Hermann pulled him up to meet his level and crushed their mouths together as Newton practically melted against him.

            Hermann pulled him back down to the bed without their lips parting, the kiss full and sensual. They continued to take their time, slow caresses and their bodies pressed together. Hermann was the one to lean and fish for the small bottle of lubricant from where it had been tucked when they’d once more settled into the hotel room. Newton was the one to slick up his fingers and carefully work Hermann open after the man had rolled back onto his stomach once more. Newton wished they could stay buried in a bedroom like this away from the rest of the world and just spend time together as he pushed into Hermann.

            He made himself take it slow even though that wasn’t always Newton’s forte. He tried to impress every inch of Hermann to his memory while he allowed himself to sink down into the twined haze of pleasure that seemed to ping back and forth between them. Hermann arched beneath him as he murmured Newton’s name and their hands intertwined amongst the sheets. Newton had to try and bite back a whimper as he felt himself come to the edge and a moment before he tumbled over it Hermann gave a muffled cry into the pillow as he climaxed himself.

            Newton ended as they had begun by placing lazy kisses along Hermann’s shoulder blades before he carefully rolled off of him only to snuggle up close to his side. Hermann turned his head so they could kiss and they didn’t speak the words but let them flow between them in overlapping thought patterns. Clumsy declarations of love and adoration, bubbled emotions that couldn’t be defined by words rose up and popped in the back of their minds. They finally pulled away from the kiss when they had exhausted the breath between them. Newton lazily traced a finger across Hermann’s shoulder as he closed his eyes with a happy sigh even though he knew they’d have to get up and get cleaned up in just a few moments.

            “Imma grow a beard now,” Newton said teasingly and he opened his eyes when Hermann scoffed besides him. “What? You don’t think I’ll do it?”

            “I believe you incapable of growing anything that resembles an actual beard more than sparse stubble,” Hermann said with narrowed eyes as though it was a challenge. Oh, it totally was a challenge. Newton could grow a beard and it’d be the most majestic beard this side of wherever. “It would be better if you simply didn’t try.”

            “Oh man, now I really am growing a beard just to show you how wrong you are about my ability to do so. It’s going to be the most full and amazing beard you’ve ever seen.” He could feel the fact that Hermann seemed to be thinking this over, brains still entwined and mushed comfortably together. Hermann was not so secretly trying to decide whether he liked the mental image of Newton with a bushy beard. Newton honestly thought he’d look awesome. He always looked pretty amazing though.

            “That is difficult to believe due to what I have seen over the years. You almost always seem to somehow stall at the five o’clock shadow stage,” Hermann said critically as he pressed a palm on Newton’s cheek thoughtfully. “You’d likely just look as though you are a teenager attempting to appear older.” Newton snorted lightly as he shook his head lightly so his stubble would rub against Hermann’s hand.

            “I’ve just never let it properly grow in. Those times in the lab where I never left I was still sneaking in back to shave and sink shower, you know?” There had been plenty of shared weeks between them where they would work straight through with little more than a nap on the lab couch to sustain them only to emerge days later once exhaustion had fried any mental processes they had left. Those had been during the in between years where there was still so much new to figure out but their funding had already started to take hits. They hadn’t had a lot of help in those middle years through to the end.

            “If there were days in which you made any attempt to bathe they were indistinguishable from the days that you failed to,” Hermann said though it sounded almost more fond than critical.

            “Oh, and you smelled like roses at all times.” Newton rolled his eyes though he tilted his head just enough that he could press a kiss against the man’s palm. He hoped they still had some more time to lie there before they had to get up and head back out into the trenches. That’s what they were; publicity trenches that they all carried on despite the under running tensions of what would be thrown at them next. Recently, the enemy seemed to be lacking in new ammo thankfully.

            “I made honest attempts to maintain proper hygiene throughout our work. Granted, there was little else you could smell over the stench of your viscera and the chemicals you had to soak them in,” Hermann said stiffly in that superior tone he like to use when he felt he was winning an argument. His hand had moved to the back of Newton’s neck as he tugged him closer and when Newton opened his mouth to argue he found he suddenly had something better to do with it.

            _You realize I can still argue with you, right?_ It had taken him a few seconds to manage to process words and then realize he could still share them since kissing Hermann was pretty damn distracting. Still, the point stood; no longer could he be silenced with a kiss and he could almost taste Hermann’s disappointment though there was the possibility that was simply the culmination of their shared morning breath. _And since I can still argue; I distinctly remember one specific day when we both finally dragged ourselves to have breakfast and Tendo subtly had to hint to you that a shower would be a good idea._

            _If I remember correctly the day in reference was the same day as when you accidentally sliced into a musk sac on a fresh sample and the entire lab smelt as though a large animal had recently sprayed for weeks._ Hermann was really good at this kissing while thought arguing thing because at the same moment that he was, admittedly, destroying Newton’s point he was also doing this thing with his tongue that Newton was going to have to suggest the next time the man sucked him off. It was a swirly thing but not just the typical sort of around the mouth and back again sort of thing. Newton was fairly positive Hermann was one of those people who could roll their tongue or make it into a four leaf clover or whatever other weird shapes people could manipulate the muscle into.

            Newton was also aware he was admitting defeat with his silence. It was a dual defeat too; defeat to the ‘kissing making him silent’ argument as well as the ‘Hermann had bad hygiene days’ argument. He tried to focus past the weirdly pleasant swirly tongue thing to any other memories where Hermann had had a less than enjoyable aroma around him but he was coming up empty. The worst he could conjure up was the scent of chalk dust and an airy sort of clean scent that was probably the man’s deodorant or aftershave if Hermann even had to shave. Shaving. That’s how this whole thing had started.

            _I’m totally going to prove you wrong when I have a majestic beard in a couple of weeks or so._ So what if he was dropping two out of three subjects in the discussion; he was bringing it back full circle to what his initial argument had been. He could totally grow an amazing beard. Maybe he’d let it get long enough he’d be able to braid it like he was some Viking warrior or a dwarf. He could be the Gimli to Hermann’s gangly Legolas.

            Hermann snorted into the kiss as he failed to break away first and then he dissolved into hopeless laughter against Newton’s chest. Newt wasn’t entirely certain why Hermann was laughing at first until it set in that he likely had still be broadcasting his thoughts fairly clearly into the other man’s head. Hermann glanced up at him as though to say something but whatever it was ended up lost in the mental image of Newton as a dwarf and Hermann’s renewed laughter. The man lit up when he smiled and his laughter was infectious as Newton shook his head as he gave a giggle of his own.

            He liked this laughter thing that had started to develop between them. It was a welcome new addition to the tense and stressful beginnings of their relationship. It felt a little bit more like old times though now they were both unguarded in their enjoyment of each other in a way they hadn’t been for the past decade over. They were no longer trying to rein in their adoration or amusement in hopes of hiding how extensively they felt for one another. He hoped that this would be it; that this would be their relationship once some of this shit with their mental states and the world’s focused interest dissipated some. Back to their normal little arguments where neither of them were truly angry and the laughter. Newton pressed a kiss against the top of Hermann’s head as the moment faded back into a comfortable happy moment.

            _We should start getting ready for day._ Hermann sounded weary even inside his head and Newton groaned at the prospect. He didn’t even remember what they had on the list today though it wasn’t as though it mattered. It was all still more of the same and not what he’d like to be doing which was lying in bed with Hermann all day just like this. They procrastinated for a little while longer before they finally dragged themselves up and Newton putting his glasses on stole away the last remaining bits of their intimate fuzzy place in the world.

 

            They were in London or at least that’s where Newton was fairly positive they were approximately. That may have been a slight exaggeration since the addition of Big Ben visible out the window of the hotel even if it was still rather far away made it hard to deny where they were. Europe was proving to be even more hectic than the first part of their tour had been. It was confusing to keep track of just where they were when they could drive for an hour and be in a different country or hop on a train that propelled them across the entirety of Europe within a day.

            They were on some show with a host who was a bit unpleasant and kept making jokes at their expense. The audience members were being allowed to ask questions just then and most of them centered on Mako and Raleigh’s relationship which they would still not confirm or deny. Newton’s knee bounced up a down a bit as the host ribbed Raleigh about how he should ‘put a ring on it’ which was a reference that Newton was fairly positive even went over the young Jaeger pilot’s head. The host was showing his age and he was horrifically middle aged in that ‘trying to be hip with the kids’ way.

            Hermann and he didn’t get many questions during these sections. It always seemed the general public was far more interested in the potential romance between the two young Jaeger pilots that they were completely oblivious to the fact that there was all sorts of romance fodder occurring between the other members of their party. Not that Newton particularly wanted to be asked about the intimate details of how Hermann Gottlieb prepared for bed each night, but he could. Dude, he totally could write, like, an entire novel about all those stupid little details that he’d started to memorize.

            Hermann’s hand on his knee stilled his thoughts as he pulled his attention forward once more. Another question was being asked and it took him just a few beats to realize it was being directed at him. Not only that but that the person speaking was Clark Kent. _Jesus, what’s with this guy?_

            _I do not know though my understanding was that Marshall Hansen had requested he not be allowed into our public events._ The last time that Newton could pinpoint having seen Clark Kent was at the pool in Brazil and that had been weird enough in his opinion, but he had this suspicion that the man had been around more frequently than that. It wasn’t anything he’d ever really confirmed or even voiced out loud to Hermann though apparently he wasn’t the only on the group who felt that way. It was short glimpses of someone nearby or a familiar form amongst a crowd after they tried to leave a venue. It wasn’t like he’d be the only fan that followed them around. Mako and Raleigh had picked up a couple of groupies who seemed to be making the tour with them and Tendo had one very lovelorn man who showed up from time to time along the way. Herc had probably scared him away with that murderous Greek demigod glare the last time they’d seen him though.

            “How are you feeling Dr. Geiszler?” It was a simple question and an innocent one on the surface though Newton didn’t doubt there was some hidden illusion behind it.

            “I’m doing well. Pretty wiped out considering the whole touring the entire globe sort of things but good. Hey, you’re Clark Kent right?” Newton felt some need to call this guy out on his bullshit before he could even progress further with his line of questioning. Point out the fact that they knew him before he had the opportunity to ask if the Kaiju were secretly plotting to arm sharks with laser beams in the back of his mind. The man seemed a bit confused by the question thrown back at him which was good in Newton’s mind though Hermann gave a warning to be careful.

            “I’m sorry?”

            “Oh, right, that’s just what we’ve taken to calling you since we don’t actually know you’re name. You know, since you sort of look like Clark Kent. You’ve been following us on the tour pretty much since the beginning right? We’ve seen you around?” Newton wanted to know, wanted to see how the man would react and though he looked mildly surprised for a second he didn’t deny the claim.

            “You’re right. I’ve been keeping an eye on all of you,” Clark said with a smile like he meant it to sound innocent and cute and not creepy as hell. Maybe this guy was Zod instead of Clark Kent. “I wanted to know what you thought of the reports of a Kaiju corpse washing up on shore.” It was now Newton’s turn to frown because he had no idea what the guy was talking about. He didn’t like not knowing something that someone else apparently did know but Hermann gave him the equivalent of a mental ‘I got this’ so he glanced his way.

            “I apologize, Dr. Geiszler isn’t one for keeping up with the news stories, however, I believe you are discussing the story of the corpse that washed up in Peru shortly after we had left. If I recall correctly that has long since been declared to have been the corpse of a blue whale, yes?” Newton shifted slightly in his chair though he was happy that one of them knew what they were talking about in that instance. He wondered why Hermann hadn’t mentioned it to him and why no one else _had_ thought of asking them about it. Granted, Herc had struck the terror of God into pretty much everyone after what happened in New York. There was a reason a lot of the questions had started to feel very familiar. Still, Newton would have thought Hermann would have said something just in case it had been brought up like was happening just now.

            “That is the story they’ve decided to go with-“

            “Ah, you are insinuating that marine biologists from the world over who flew to Peru to ensure that this was nothing but a simple case of mistaken identity are incapable of telling a whale apart from a Kaiju?”           

            “No, I’m saying-“

            “Or do you perhaps mean to insinuate that it is just a cover story like the Kaiju Cult did shortly afterwards?” Hermann wasn’t allowing the man to talk. This would have been the point that Newton would have started talking over Hermann in a mocking voice if he was in Clark’s place but Clark wasn’t Newt. He instead looked irritated and kept trying to open his mouth to say something and now that Hermann had gone quiet there was a long pause as though he was making sure it was his turn before trying again.

            “The timing is rather coincidental especially given the potential for a mental link still existing between the two of you and the Kaiju.” There it was. Clark’s million dollar suggestion though now the people in the audience looked less interested like they had in San Fran and more offended on their behalf. If anything this press tour had done one thing for them and that was to make them familiar faces to these people. Familiar faces were often thought of as friends.

            “I believe that there was been plenty of discussion on this topic and the fact remains there is no lingering connection with the Kaiju for Dr. Geiszler or myself. If there was and had that corpse not been of a native species to our own planet it would suggest we would have a rather unhealthy effect on any remaining Kaiju. Though I will give you that having shared a close laboratory space as well as mental space with Dr. Geiszler it would be enough to drive most creatures to the brink of insanity.” _Please do not take offense, I am simply trying to get this man to cease talking._

            “Dude!” Newton’s jaw dropped even as he heard Hermann’s plea. He wasn’t mad. Well, ok, he might have been slightly offended by the comment but he couldn’t really be mad. Not with the way the audience had started to laugh like it was all a joke and Clark Kent was standing there looking pushed to the brink himself. “Like being in your head is a walk in the park. All, ‘numbers are god’s handwriting’ and all the pretentious bull.” Hermann scoffed though he flashed Newton a momentary smile for his understanding. The host made some comment so he could claim some of the audience’s laughter as his own as Clark Kent was all but dismissed from the spotlight. As the moment passed other members of the audience came up to ask more of the same questions.

 

            They had a meet and greet after the show was over with consisted of them sitting a table as people came by to get items signed. It was almost ridiculous to be honest, it really was like they were rock stars and not war heroes of sorts. Sitting at the table making small talk with each person who passed Newton had felt a small twinge of anxiety start to grow in his chest. It felt like his normal anxiety, not that deeply rooted form that made him disappear inside himself at times even now, but more the anxiety he’d feel at times late in the lab even before the drift. That form of anxiety that knotted him up inside and told him something was wrong.

            He at least knew what was causing the little niggling seed in his chest which was more than he could say for some of the times in the past. Herc had been tense and quiet after the show’s interview was up. It wasn’t that angry fuming sort of quiet that he’d shown in the past when someone had asked something inappropriate but more like he was worried. He’d told Hermann and Newton both to make sure they stuck close to someone until they were back to the hotel.

            He managed to smile and tried to be present and interact with those who made it down to their end of the table with something to sign or just some generally nervous words of thanks. Most of the people who came to these things, the panels and the meet and greets that were open to the public, were actually really nice. Sweet even at times as they typically wanted to say thanks or how much they admired one of them or all of them. Newton’s leg was bouncing with renewed vigor beneath the table though at the thought that Kent would show up. Newton never thought he could come to associate Superman with something he hated even if he’d always preferred Marvel with their mutants and Viking gods.

            He was exhausted by the time the meet and greet came to an end and they were on their way back to the hotel. They all were to be honest though Newt could feel that ball grow in his chest despite there being no more signs of anything to worry about. Hermann talked quietly to him in the backseat of the SUV about nothing in particular. Long explanations about stars and physics that lulled him into a sort of calm space where he was just listening. God, Newton wanted to go back to the laughter and ease they’d been sharing.

            They were supposed to all eat down in the hotel restaurant again. Another hotel that looked the same with another restaurant that served the same food over and over. Newton didn’t feel like eating though but he reluctantly followed everyone inside the restaurant doors as he hesitated on going up to the room. Hermann was the one who stopped him on their way to the table and forced Newton to pause for a moment.

            “Are you all right?” Hermann had that little frown of concern on his face as he kept Newton close as they stepped out of the way for the hostess as she made her way back to the podium with a curious glance in their direction.

            “Yeah, fine. I’m fine, really. I promise I’m totally fine,” Newton said as he nodded maybe a little too enthusiastically. He really wanted to curl up in some blankets and block out everything. Well, almost everything, Hermann was still safe territory so he’d only block him out to avoid spreading the anxiety love around. The man in question stared at him with clear disbelief and Newton bit his lower lip lightly to keep from spouting out more assurances that he was just fine.

            “I could order us both some food and bring it up to you in our room if you’re…too tired to sit through dinner?” Hermann suggested it casually though there was a serious undertone that said Newton had his full approval to bail if need be. The others had already sat down and were ordering drinks as they glanced towards the two of them and even though he logically knew that none of them would mind he couldn’t shake the feeling that they’d be upset or the world would get knocked off balance or something.

            “Ok, yeah, that actually sounds great. I am pretty tired so that way I could just climb under the covers and if I’m asleep when you make it up you can always toss the food into the mini fridge for later or something, yeah? I mean, you could still eat. Don’t not eat on the account of me being asleep or something but my food could go into the mini fridge. We know I’ll be up first anyway so it’s not like-“ Hermann had taken Newton’s hands gently in his and pressed a kiss against his knuckles which managed to quiet him a little.

            “Go darling. I will be up shortly.” Newton nodded as he slipped his hands free of Hermann’s and gave the others a little wave. He knew that Hermann watched him go so Newton did his best to walk at a normal sort of pace rather than rush out of the restaurant towards the elevators. He hadn’t been knocked this off kilter in a while and it honestly sort of pissed Newton off. That didn’t help with the horrible aching feeling in his chest though so he tried to just be relieved to be getting away.

            Once he was in the lobby Newton straight lined it for the elevators with little thought of anything else. He was the only one in line for them which was the best thing in the world because he really didn’t want to take an awkward ride with a stranger just then. Newton tended to get fidgety when he was nervous so they probably would think he was crazy anyway. He had swiped his room key so it’d let him up to his floor and the doors were about to slide closed when it was interrupted by a duffle bag being shoved in between them. Newton honestly could have almost screamed as the door bounced back open and a man stepped inside with him without a word. The guy couldn’t have waited for a different elevator? Was it really that necessary that he get on this specific one?

            Newton glanced at the man and he felt the knot in his chest tighten and then expand in what Hermann would probably call an exponential growth. It was Clark Kent. Fucking Clark Kent on his elevator standing beside him as they both tried to act like they didn’t know each other. Newton thought about pushing his way back out into the lobby to wait for a different elevator himself but the doors were already closed and moving before his brain managed to make contact with the rest of him. Clark hadn’t even pushed another button on the elevator which meant he was going to the same floor as him. Of fucking course. The guy had probably planned on being in the same hotel as them just so he could ask more harassing questions and make more accusations of Kaiju assimilation. Resistance was futile.

            Newton pulled his phone out of his back pocket with one hand as he tried to tug his tie loose with the other. He debated messaging Hermann; telling him not to even worry about the food but just to come up to the room. That wouldn’t be fair though and really this was probably nothing. It was nothing, everything was fine. He just needed to try and breathe and not think about the fact that the man he’d likely call his arch nemesis if this was some cheesy sci-fi movie stood right beside him.

            _Are you all right?_ It came as a text this time instead of a mental message and Newton had to take a few seconds to stare down at his phone to realize this. Maybe Hermann had been asking him in his head and he just hadn’t noticed. Newton couldn’t say he was sure just at that moment. He debated again, long seconds dragged out as the elevator moved upwards and the man still hadn’t said anything and this was perfectly ok. It was fine, he was fine; everything was fine.

            Newton had typed out the text before he’d even fully realized it and it was sent on its way in the same jumbled panicked state his body was in. He turned his phone over in his hands while he tried in a determined manner not to glance towards Kent. He had to stop thinking of him as Clark Kent and start seeing him as Zod. Or; actually now that he _was_ thinking about it the man was like the Bizarro-Superman. Newton’s phone buzzed in his hands again and he totally managed to not jump. This was the longest elevator ride he’d ever taken.

            _The food should be here in just a few moments and then I will be up, darling._ It felt like he’d been standing there for years by the time the doors dinged open and Newton was off like a shot. He’d respond to Hermann once he was inside the room and away from all evil versions of bionic men. He shoved his phone back into his pocket as the man continued down the hall behind him and Newton came to a jolted stop at the door to their room at last.

            He was trying to get the key to go into the slot when he felt an arm go around his shoulders and everything inside Newton simply froze into place. There was something cold pressed against his neck and the weight of a bag half resting on his back. This wasn’t ok, this was so far from fine that Newton wasn’t even entirely certain what to do. It felt like being chased down the streets of Hong Kong by a Kaiju intent on tracking him down.

            “Just open the door, Dr. Geiszler.” Newton’s mind tried to work out a solution for this. It tried rather desperately to find some reasoning that wasn’t just plain terrifying for why Clark was standing so close and had spoken into his ear. It ignored the fact that there may or may not be a knife to his neck just then with fervor. “Open the door.” Clark had spoken in an almost casual and calm tone at first though now that he was repeating the words it came out more forceful. Newt’s mind apparently decided on numb submission as he found himself placing the keycard into the lock and he pushed the door open once it gave him the green light of approval.

            Clark ushered them both inside and made sure Newton was as far from the door as possible before separating from him to set the bag down on the desk. Newton’s body seemed to have finally triggered some of those necessary fight or flight hormones as he became frightening aware that complying had probably not been the thing to do. If he had kicked and screamed out in the hall people may have come out of their rooms. Or; Clark would have slit his throat because that had apparently been a knife now that Newt was watching the man tuck it into the bag along with whatever else. He really needed to stop calling him Clark. He wasn’t even Zod at this point. Newton really needed the guy’s own name to describe just how much he terrified him.

            “What do you want?” Newton wasn’t really sure where he found his voice at but there it was as he asked the question. The man glanced at him like he was a side thought. Newton tried to draw himself up and square his shoulders. Flight was still the best option but the man was between him and the door. There’d likely have to be some fight too before he got to it. He could do that though. He’d faced Hannibal Chau and this guy was definitely not Chau. He was maybe worse than Chau. No, that didn’t fit, Hannibal had been a tiny bit terrifying in himself and yet….

            Maybe it was the fact that someone as assured and confident as Stacker Pentecost had actually sent him to Chau or that the black market dealer had owned so many incredibly preserved samples but Clark definitely felt worse to Newton. He felt a tug on the back of his mind again that reminded him that Hermann was supposed to be coming up to the room in just a few minutes. The moment the relief had set in Newton’s mind did a one-eighty to Nopesville. Hermann was on his way to the room where Newton currently stood with Bizarro Superman with no clue what he wanted though Newt’s brain was doing a good job of coming up with terrible scenarios just then. He wanted to simultaneously beg Hermann to hurry up and to tell him to just turn back around and run. Forget about coming up to the room and just stay where he was safe with the others.

            “I want you to understand that I appreciate what you and Dr. Gottlieb risked for us all.” Clark turned to face him fully as he spoke setting his hands on Newton’s shoulders which sort of closed off the potential for dodging around him. Maybe he just wanted to apologize. People start apologies off with a knife to the throat all the time. “That’s why I’d like this to be as quick and painless as possible without causing a mess. It could be like falling asleep.” This was a really creepy and unnerving sort of apology so far. The man looked at him as though he was waiting for some sort of confirmation or validation in what he was saying. Newton was trying to not be obvious about trying to reach for the lamp on the desk and was praying this wasn’t the type of hotel that bolted their light fixtures in place.

            “You don’t have to do this, dude,” Newton said as he tried to steel himself. He couldn’t miss and he couldn’t give away what he was about to do. Hermann was on the elevator. Newt tried to will him back downstairs. He tried to exert some sense of control like this man seemed to think they were capable of on his partner to get him to turn back.

            _Newton Geiszler, tell me what is happening right now._ That was the response he got and that was so very typical Hermann. Newton was trying to tell him to run and all he could do was tell Newton to explain himself this instant or else. Or else what? Or else Hermann would open that door and walk right into danger. But if Newton told him what was happening he’d insist on walking into that danger anyway.

            _Just…I want to be alone go back downstairs._ Oh God please don’t go back downstairs. Newton was selfish and he wanted Hermann here, he wanted to be saved and he wanted Hermann safe. He wasn’t going to get both though. He wasn’t going to get Hermann here and Hermann unharmed at the same time.

            “The two of you are a risk. One that the world shouldn’t be willing to take but everyone is so enamored with the ‘heroes’ that they don’t see it. They don’t want to admit it.”

            “We’ve told you we’re not-“  

            “Even if you aren’t actively a risk right now you will be in the future.” The man snapped at him and Newton used the opportunity to flinch. And by flinch he meant grab the lamp and swing it as hard as he could into the man’s head. Clark doubled over with a curse as the lightbulb flashed then shattered with the impact. Newton felt like his shoulder flashed then shattered too with the reverb from the hit but he pushed past the man and ignored the muscular ache. He could tell by his impatience that the elevator must have been close to their floor though not close enough for Hermann’s liking as he was practically yelling in Newton’s head now. The man really knew how to project when he wanted to and Newton just wanted him out. Back. Away. Running far away.

            Newton’s goal was the door and after that maybe he could meet Hermann in the elevator and they could close the doors fast. Fast, fast, fast; he needed to be faster. The man had gotten a hold of the back of his shirt and he pulled him back to slam him against the television cabinet and it hurt. It hurt but Newton tried to ignore it while throwing a punch. He threw his best ‘Chuck Hansen School of Defense’ punch and either he’d gotten really good without practice or the lamp had done more damage than he’d thought because Clark seemed stunned by the blow to the cheek.

            Newton managed to break free and pushed towards the door. He was close, so close. He could almost feel the door handle in his hand when something suddenly pulled tight around his neck. Newton stumbled and found himself being pulled back as his hands scrambled to try and pull whatever was tight around his throat free. The man dragged him further from his goal by what Newton finally realized was his own tie. Clark had gotten a hold of the loosened tie and now was pulling it tight. Too tight.

            _Newton!_ He couldn’t breathe. He tried to reach back to scratch or hit at the man the best he could but to no avail. He couldn’t breathe. Newt tried to kick, to tear at the tie to rip it free. He tried to plead but no words could get out. No air could get in. He tried to mentally push the plea onto the man but the only one that could hear him was Hermann.

            Hermann. _Hermann. Hermann, Hermann, Hermann…_

            “Relax, Dr. Geiszler. It will be over much quicker if you just relax.”

 

            Hermann had given reassurances to the others that Newton was alright after he left though he wasn’t entirely certain he believed it himself. After just a few moments of being gone he had felt Newton’s anxiety spike even higher than it had been when he’d left. Still, the waitress had promised their food would be ready quickly when he’d asked. He was certain she would have kept the promise as well but when he’d gotten the sour taste of fear in the back of his mouth he knew he couldn’t wait.

            “I…would you mind bringing the food up to us later once you’re finished? I’m concerned that Newton’s anxiety-“

            “Say no more, my man. We’ll bring it up.” Tendo responded quickly and Hermann knew his friend had been watching closely since Newton had left. Hermann had nodded numbly in thanks before he’d excused himself. Every time he tried to check with Newton all he got back was that the man was _fine_ though he felt far from being fine. Hermann didn’t believe he’d felt this specific breed of anxiety from the man before during the last few months. It had started off familiar enough and at a low level since the interview on the show. Now it had suddenly burst into a panicked sort of fear and Hermann couldn’t get a straight response.

            Something was wrong. That much had become startlingly clear as he stood in the elevator watching the floors light up as they passed at a rate that seemed far too slow. There was now a jumbled mess coming through on Newton’s end that seemed to consist of pleas both for Hermann to hurry back and to turn around. He demanded that Newton tell him what was happening, to give him some sign of what had caused him to spiral down so quickly.

            _Just…I want to be alone go back downstairs._ This was followed by the distinct plea to not go back downstairs. Hermann gripped his cane tightly with nerves that were now entirely his own. Only a couple more floors before he’d be there. It would then just be a short walk down the hall. Hermann had pulled his phone out of his pocket without consciously thinking about it as he tried to get Newton to give him some sort of answer. He was already typing the 911 message into the group text when he felt a hit of pain that broke Newton’s grasp on his own thoughts. It was so much more than Hermann had realized as he heard the full flood of pleads hit him. He’d sent the message and had dialed 999 in hopes of reaching emergency services. The phone had started to ring as he stepped out of the elevator and as the voice came through on the other end Hermann found he couldn’t talk.

            Something was restricting his breathing. No, something was wrapped tight around Newton’s throat but the panic and pain of it drove the words from Hermann’s mind. He needed to get to Newton. The man’s thoughts had started to turn static as Hermann heard his own name on repeat as he stumbled down the hall towards their door.

            _Please darling, I’m almost there. Hold on I’m almost there._

_Herm…_ His chest burned as he fumbled to get the keycard in the door only to push it open completely uncertain what he was about to walk into. There was a second where everything seemed frozen in place when he got the door open to find himself facing Newton. Behind his partner stood the man from the interview that day, the man who Hermann had spotted by the pool back in Brazil and who had first questioned them in San Francisco. He had Newton’s tie pulled tight around his throat as they stood staring back at him. _Hermms…_

            “Let him go this instant.” Hermann practically growled the words towards the man as he stepped further into the room. The man dragged Newton back a step with him as he shook his head.

            “Dr. Gottleib-“

            “You will release him this instant,” Hermann said venomously as he moved towards them both. The man tried to speak again as Newton’s eyes began to flutter and his thoughts faded completely too static in Hermann’s mind. Hermann swung with his cane with little to no forethought of planning for how to handle the follow through other than ensuring his trajectory wouldn’t lead to Newton receiving the blow. He shook with the force of contact as the man’s grip dropped away from Newton to try and block the blow instead.

            Hermann’s left knee buckled and he had to momentarily catch himself on the side of the television cabinet to avoid stumbling over Newton who was now on the floor. The man was trying to draw in deep ragged breathes as coughs wracked his body painfully. Hermann couldn’t focus on him just then though as he held the can out in front of him like it would serve as a proper weapon as the man recovered. Newton had insisted on calling him Clark Kent since that first day and though there was a resemblance it was far from an accurate comparison.

               “Newton, Liebling, ich brauche dich, um aufzustehen. Wir müssen uns verlassen.” _Newton, darling, I need you to get up. We need to leave._ Hermann spoke quietly as he tried to glance down at the biologist while not taking his gaze off their attacker at the same time. He got a wheeze in response but Newton mentally acknowledged him and Hermann couldn’t help the twinge of relief to know the man could. It had been too close; it still was with the other man’s glare leveled at him as he seemed to be trying to decide his next move. Hermann wasn’t entirely certain what his own next move would be if Newton wasn’t able to recover in time for them to start towards the door.

            “Dr. Gottlieb, this is for the best. It will be much easier if you calm down and let this be finished quickly without a struggle.” The man was clearly not right in the head if he thought they’d simply allow him to do this and Hermann’s look must have conveyed this just fine without his words as the man’s look turned to ice against him. “Do not make this more difficult than it needs to be.”

            “I will make it as bloody damn difficult as I can,” Hermann spat and he spared a glance down towards Newton to see his progress. Newton was managing to pull himself together though there was still a tightness in his chest and throat. The air didn’t seem thick enough or quite possibly it was too thick.

            Hermann lost his focus for a second too long. He looked back up to find the man charging towards him and he tried to take a stab at him. The cane was knocked aside as he’d made the move too late and the man barreled into him. Hermann was pushed back, only managing to not fall due to the man gripping the collar of his shirt tight until his back crashed into the wall. His cane had clattered away at some point in the tumble and the air was momentarily knocked from his lungs which left Hermann open and vulnerable as the man shoved at him.  He made another attempt to convince Hermann that this was for the best; that it would be clean and quick for them both and then the world would finally be completely safe. Hermann wasn’t listening though as things were confused in his mind as he heard the overlay of Newton’s panic mix with his own yet beneath it was a calm that said just one thing: _fight._

            Hermann pulled himself back to the present, to his own point of view of the moment, as the man’s hands started to transfer from his shirt collar to his neck. He was closer to the door now than before and Newton was on his feet though still seemed unsteady as he tried to make his way towards them to help. Hermann put his hands on the man’s shoulders almost passively as he relaxed as though ready to give up but instead he used the man’s own frame for support so he could lift his right knee up. He made contact with his target and the man gave a ‘whoof’ of air as his hands slipped away and he doubled over.  

            Hermann stepped around him and reached for Newton in an attempt to hurry him up. He tried to impress his intent to the biologist over the caustic swirl of fear, tried to bring that current of calm and control to the surface over it. Newton reached for him in return, the room oddly silent as he took some of Hermann’s weight in support while they started towards the door together. The man had managed to pull himself up and Hermann heard the warning from Newton in his mind. The first swing of the cane missed them though only due to them moving fluidly together to avoid the blow. Newton was still trying to help support his left side when the next swing came and that support suddenly disappeared as they dropped down out of its trajectory.

            Newton half pulled Hermann along with him as they ducked around the man. There was no warning this time as their focus was trained on the door and the door alone. The pain exploded through them both with no distinction of who it belonged to at first though Hermann was the only to go down and stay down. The man had taken another swing that had connected to the back of both their knees. Newton was recovering where Hermann hadn’t though, his left knee a throbbing heat of already damaged connective tissue suddenly being strained. There was another blow headed their way when Newton lunged at the man, throwing himself hard into the other man’s center and they crashed back into the desk.

            Hermann wondered if he had looked the same as Newton did now when he’d first entered the fray. Newton looked feral as he did everything he could to try and take the man down. He clawed and punched and grappled with the man with tooth and nail in a desperate attempt to get him down. Hermann tried to stand, tried to help but the moment he placed any weight on his left leg it exploded with blinding pain that sent him back down in a heap. Newton had managed to scramble onto the man’s back when at one point the two of them crashed into the window, the glass shaking in its frame and Hermann was terrified it would give. That Newton and the man both would go falling down several stories to the ground below and the only goodbye he’d get was in that moment of deathly silence upon impact.

            The pane held and Hermann released his breath as he tried again. He attempted to put his weight on his right leg and lift himself up. This time he managed to almost completely stand but there was nowhere to go from there. The second he even tried to take a step he was down again and the man had now managed to pull Newton loose. Hermann had lost sight of him from over the edge of the bed but he could feel the sparks of pain in his own ribs as he heard the thud of the man’s foot connecting with Newton’s. They had to get up. They had to stand and not let this end the way the man wanted.

            Seemingly satisfied with how thoroughly he’d bruised, if not cracked, Newton’s ribs the man’s attention returned to Hermann as he made one last attempt at getting to his feet. There was a flickering in Hermann’s vision and his head made an effort at competing with his knee on who could throb the most painfully. The man made his way over to him and the best Hermann could do was to half rise from the floor at an awkward angle before he was being grabbed and dragged over to where Newton was carefully and tenderly sitting up. The man turned away from them then as he cursed under his breath. He paced a few steps as though debating as Newton got himself sitting up fully though he still hunched carefully over himself in protect his ribs.

            “Hermms….” It was the first time Hermann had heard him actually speak since entering the room and Newton’s voice was quiet and strained. The biologist’s glasses were skewed and one lens was broken in a strangely reminiscent way. They weren’t likely to get out of the room or at least Hermann wasn’t. The man’s back was still turned to them both though he was talking now.

            “This was supposed to be quick and painless. I didn’t want a mess for the others to find but you’ve both ruined it.” Newton might still be able to get out. If he ran for it while the man wasn’t looking; if he went straight over the corner of the bed instead of around it and just ran as fast as he could.

            “You need to get out, Newton.” Hermann spoke in a quiet whisper and he got a confused look in return.

            “What?” He almost couldn’t hear Newton speak over the sound of the man’s ramblings and Newton repeated it to him mentally with some frustration. _You mean we need to get out._

            “I…I can’t. But if you go and get help-“

            _You’d be dead before I got back. No way, not happening. It’s either both of us or neither of us._

            _That is ridiculous, Newton, is it far better that one of us makes it out._

_No!_ Newton huffed though he glanced towards the door before his eyes moved back towards the man. Hermann had to convince him to leave. He had to make Newton understand that he should go because at least then he’d have a chance. He wasn’t listening to the man’s ranting but something in the stillness that had settled over Newton made him look ahead.   _Oh God…_ The man had pulled a gun from the bag that sat on the desk and Hermann felt his heart sink low in his chest. Even if he hadn’t chosen to try and scramble into Hermann’s lap in a vain attempt to shield him from any shots Newton wouldn’t make it out of the room.

            “This isn’t how I wanted it but it will be quick.” Even if Newton didn’t try to curl around him, arms around Hermann’s shoulders as he pulled him in close, there wouldn’t be any way for Newton to get to the door in these close quarters before the man pulled the trigger. Hermann felt almost numb as he slipped his arms around Newton in return as he rested his head against the man’s chest so he could listen to the rapid panicked beating of his heart. “If you have anything you want to say to each other.” The man sounded almost as though he felt awkward with the moment and Newton was begging in the back of Hermann’s mind as he gave a pained sob above his head.

            There was a sudden slam of a weight hitting a surface from somewhere outside the room. _Dust was settling around them as the room began to give._ Hermann listened to the drumming beat of Newton’s heart and hoped the shot would pass through and take them both. That he wouldn’t have those moments of recognition that Newton was gone, that he had failed so terribly once more before the man pulled the trigger on him. There was another crash and the sound of splintering wood. _They didn’t fear the terrible thing trying to rip its way into the space. They welcomed it. ‘Yes, tear your way inside. Devour him’._

            There was a flicker in his vision and Hermann closed his eyes tight against it. _I love you darling. **Destroy him.**_ Somewhere a recording was playing and a shot went out. Somewhere wood splintered apart and Newton flinched above him. The gun went off, a bullet was release, the world was collapsing… _The dust was settling, the breech was closed, pieces of paper wadded up and tossed and chalk dust and viscera and a flickering sense of something so terribly wrong. Dust and blue bioluminescence…._

_Take care of him…_

_Always a failure…._

_Entirely your fault…_

_Something was trying to break in…._

_Make_

_Sure_

_He’s_

_Okay_

_For_

_Me_

_Won’t_

_You?_

Hermann opened his eyes. He was no longer in the hotel room and Newton was no longer huddled around him. Newton wasn’t there at all. Hermann stood in the center of the dim and still lab surrounded by the blackboards and specimen jars that were empty and dark. Where there should have been doors there were only walls and the sound of water dripping somewhere echoed around him.

            In the far corner the emergency shower stood, curtain pulled closed and dancing lightly in some isolated breeze.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary of the last part of the chapter for anyone who chose to skip that section:
> 
> Clark Kent follows Newton back up to their hotel room alone with the intention of killing him and Hermann to remove the 'threat'. Hermann comes up when he senses that things are wrong, notifies the others they need help via text in the elevator. They both fight back once Hermann is in the room, but Kent McDouche still manages to get the upper hand. This leads into where Hermann is trying to convince Newton to try and get out without him since he can't walk on his now injured leg and Kent McDouche threatening them with the gun.


	15. Give me the Burden, Give me the Blame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The silence had almost engulfed Hermann as he stood stock still in the middle of the lab. This wasn’t possible, couldn’t be. Memories of dreams that were in themselves fragmented memories rushed at him until he wasn’t even surprised when he turned to find his father standing there looking at him with disappointment and disgust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "Devil's Backbone" by the Civil Wars. 
> 
> I honestly wasn't sure how to summarize this chaper so I used the first few lines as a cheat.

                The silence had almost engulfed Hermann as he stood stock still in the middle of the lab. This wasn’t possible, couldn’t be. Memories of dreams that were in themselves fragmented memories rushed at him until he wasn’t even surprised when he turned to find his father standing there looking at him with disappointment and disgust.

                “It’s hardly surprising that you failed. I don’t know how you ever expected the outcome to be different; how you expected to protect anyone.” He remembered when his father had told him this when the first Jaeger trails had turned out less than successful. It was similar to the speech he’d given when it had become clear that the Jaegers wouldn’t last as a long term solution as well. Hermann hesitated for a moment before he reached out to touch the man only for his hand to pass through him. Something clicked within the darkness to his right behind the empty tanks and a tape began to play. Hermann looked away for only a second but when he looked back his father was gone.

                _Hermann, if you’re listening to this, well, I’m either alive and I’ve proven what I’ve just done works in which case, Ha, I won. Or I’m dead, and I’d like you to know that’s it’s all your fault…all your fault…all your fault…all your fault…_ Hermann gave a pained noise as the tape seemed to catch and get stuck repeating the accusation in Newton’s voice. He stumbled back away from where the echoing voice was coming from and found he had just stepped through someone. Chuck Hansen stood looking at him as he had the last time he’d seen the young man alive. If Hermann hadn’t just stepped through the man he would have believed he was truly there in front of him. He honestly wouldn’t have thought it would hurt as much as it did; seeing the young man again.

                “You’ll take care of him if I don’t come back won’t you?” He hadn’t. He hadn’t been able to take care of Newton the way Chuck would have been able to, hadn’t been able to protect him. Was he dead? Were they both perhaps dead and this was Hermann’s punishment for failing one last thing in his life? He couldn’t stand there under Chuck’s unwavering gaze so he turned, determined to find some way out of this purgatory. He’d only taken a couple of steps though before there was another blocking his path and Caitlin’s bright intelligent eyes were only inches from his.

                “You’ll watch over him won’t you?” Hermann inhaled sharply and closed his eyes as he steadied himself, praying that when he opened them once more this would all be gone. Instead he was met with the sight of two other people who he had managed to fail in the end. The Kaidonovsky’s stood in front of him both staring up at the chalkboard he stood beside.

                “We are already unbeatable, Dr. Gottlieb, but with your improvements to our Cherno’s coding we will be indestructible,” Sasha said with that casual confidence that bordered on being cocky. They had both always known the risks though and Alexys turned to give him a smile.

                “We will close the breach and then we will drink, my friend.” The dripping patter of water intensified and suddenly the vision of them both was washed away like chalk as water seemed to pour in around them. Hermann tried to back away from the flood that seemed to be down pouring from the ceiling itself but his back hit something hard. He turned to try and figure out what had gotten in his path as the water drenched down on top of him only to realize with horror that he was inside one of the large tanks. The water was pooling quickly around him and Hermann tried to reach the top of the tank only for the water to start pounding down ever harder. He changed tactics and tried to break the glass to find his father standing outside the tank watching him with an almost saddened expression.

                “It’s hardly surprising that you failed.” Hermann stared at him for a second before attempting to break free with a renewed vigor. “You have only yourself to blame for this.”

                “ _It’s all your fault, it really is…_ The tape recorder repeated the sentiment as the water reached his chest and he heard Sasha’s voice yell something in Russian that he couldn’t make out as he spluttered for breath. The water overtook him as his father watched with that same disappointment as even though the glass he could still hear the tape recorder playing on repeat. Something had shifted as the tank stilled and he stared out into the lab. There never came the burning need for breath, his father was gone and there was something that let him know this fragment wasn’t his.

                With the realization something jolted, his lungs suddenly screamed for air and he sucked in what should have been a breath of pure water but instead was damp but breathable oxygen. He was standing in the lab once more, the specimen jars and tanks behind him as the curtain to the emergency shower shifted as though caught by a breeze. The tape recorder was still playing on a loop as he stared at the white cloth with a feeling of dread. He knew without looking that behind the curtain was his greatest mistake, the thing that weighed on him the heaviest with a guilt that felt like a living thing clawing at his chest.

                “You’ll take care of him if I don’t come back, won’t you?”

                “You’ll watch over him, won’t you?” Chuck was standing to his left and Caitlyn to his right as they all stood staring at the curtain. _It’s all your fault, it really is…it’s all your fault, it really is…it’s all your fault, it really is…_

                “Where the hell were you?” Chuck’s voice held all the anger from that day, all the accusation. Newton had drifted with the Kaiju and where had Hermann been? Newton had put himself in danger, had made some stupid risk and Hermann hadn’t been there to stop him. _It’s all your fault…_ Where had Hermann been? He’d gone and eaten breakfast, he had assumed Newton’s foolish plan was now long forgotten as a pipe dream since he’d been denied, he’d gone to watch Raleigh and Mako’s first drift only to realize Newton wasn’t there. Newton wouldn’t have missed that and it was the first sign that something was amiss. “Where the hell were you?”

                “Not where I should have been…” He hadn’t been where he should have all over again. He’d let Newton go up to the room on his own knowing that something felt off. He’d taken too long to notice those signals again and now where were they? Where was he? Stuck in this place to have all the things he was to blame for, all the things he was guilty of, laid out in front of him in an endless cycle? He backed away from the two specters standing next to him, away from the shower curtain until his back hit the outside of a specimen tank and he slowly let himself slide down to the floor as he watched the curtain flutter.

 

                It was louder than he'd expected it to be. Newton had always sort of figured the death would come with a heavy dose of unbearable silence that seeped into the spaces where your life had been. If not silence he had expected a calmer atmosphere than the chaos that seemed to be erupting around them. It wasn't until he felt more than one set of hands pull him away from Hermann that he started to realize that he was still alive; that they were still alive though something was wrong. 

                He was shaking uncontrollably and suddenly all that sound faded into the background to be filled with a ringing as his focus seemed to expand and narrow at the same time but that wasn't what was wrong. Hermann was there, still alive and tethered to him but he was also separate like he'd gone far enough away that their connection had weakened to a barely thriving hum in the back of his head when moments ago it'd been loud and clear and confusing as to who was who or perhaps there had only really been one of them, one being terrified and angry and hurting as it coward and dreamt of all the things it wished it was capable of. 

                Newton would realize later that it had been Herc holding onto him tightly, trying to tell him it was ok while at the same time demanding some response. It would be at the hospital when he was lying in a room silent as that death he'd expected other than the beeping on a monitor that he'd remember Tendo fussing over Hermann who wouldn't wake up and how at that time all Newton could think was 'he's not home right now' as though it was the most normal thing. Everything had seemed so...distant and strange like he'd been watching it on a television and not in the middle of the chaos where Mako and Raleigh had both burst in and taken the man down just seconds before he'd pulled the trigger. 

                The bullet had barely missed him, a breeze was all he felt when it past until it had crashed into the nightstand sending a spray of shattered wood back at them. A surprising amount of that had managed to embed itself into his hair and skin and clothes. There'd been a lot of carefully pulling of splintered fragments, x-rays and questions he could barely ask in his strained and painful voice over the last few hours before he'd mercifully been left alone where he lay now. He had asked to be alone even without the others who he knew were hovering somewhere inside the hospital with the promise he'd rest if he was left be. It wasn't like he could hold much conversation, his vocal chords were apparently paralyzed making it feel as though he was screaming to get any words out. 

                Hermann was here too, somewhere, getting treated though not answering questions. He didn't have to ask to know the other was still unconscious and with every moment that passed it was more and more concerning. He didn't know much past that, they wouldn't tell him much past that since he was a relative. One nurse had taken pity on him and told him he was stable, that they'd had to do surgery on his knee for fear of internal bleeding due to damaged blood vessels and she'd tried to assure him in the fact that Hermann was likely still asleep only because of the anesthetic. 

                Newton couldn't sleep though, not even with the hushed and careful levels of the hospital wing. He also couldn't just lie as he was knowing that somewhere Hermann was lying alone as well. He waited until he heard the nurses station outside the room go completely still before he scooted himself off the bed with a sharp intake of air as bruised ribs screamed a reminder at him. The pain killers dulled it when he was lying still but moving was still pretty much agony. He made sure the monitor was turned off before he unhooked himself so that it wouldn't alarm and call the nurses back to him. He didn't really think it was necessary anyway at this point. If there was something horribly wrong with him they would have found it by now or at least that's what he decided to tell himself. 

                He looked down the hall before he stepped out of the room. He'd heard them mention Hermann's room number though it was kind of jumbled now in his mind. It must have been late or maybe really early because the hospital was calm and empty at this time as he wandered trying to find the right combination of numbers for Hermann's room and doing his best to avoid running into anyone. It took longer than he'd hoped and by the time he cracked a door open and found Hermann lying in a bed he was aching and winded. He stepped inside the room at the sound of footsteps coming down the hall towards him but didn't go much further in.

                Hermann looked like he was just asleep but it still felt like more than that. There was still that buzzing hazy distances despite being in the room together again. The only change he could note was the thick coating of pain killers dulling both their minds. He hadn't cried yet even with the shock and the shaking and pure anxiety that had taken him over in the hotel room when the shot had gone off. The tears flooded to his eyes now though as he stared at Hermann, afraid to get any closer and really see what damage had been done. The door opened behind him and bumped into him but he barely even registered it. 

                “Where the hell have you been? We’ve been looking everywhere for you.” He registered Herc’s voice, angry and worried, behind him but he was almost too afraid to look away from where Hermann was lying as though the man might disappear. He was disappearing though behind the sudden deluge of tears and a strained sob managed to tear its way up out of his throat. “Newt? Hey…” The moment he felt the hand on his shoulder it shattered whatever control he might have had left and Newton turned to collapse against Herc as he sobbed against the other man’s chest. Herc stood stock still as though he was at a loss on how to react to this but eventually he heaved a soft sigh and smoothed a hand over Newt’s hair.

                “It’s going to be all right, mate. We need to get you back to your room to rest though.” Newton shook his head against the suggestion. If there was going to be that mental distance between Hermann and him then he needed to stay close physically at least. “This isn’t really up for discussion, Newton. You need to rest.”

                “Here.” The word came out weak and cracked and fragile from his throat but Newton was pretty certain it was at least audible.

                “Maybe we can ask one of the nurses. They might let you stay in here with him if you promise to rest, brother.” Newton hadn’t even realized that Tendo was there until he heard the man speak and he felt a hand rest on his shoulder gently, conscious of his ribs that felt almost like a vice on his lungs as he tried to get some control on the sobs crashing through him. He nodded to show some sort of acknowledgement because he wasn’t sure he could get another word out. “Stay with him. I’ll be right back.” Herc gave some response and the room went quiet again as Tendo stepped out and the seconds dragged. He was finally getting a hold on himself again so he pulled back from Herc who didn’t exactly look pleased with his jaw tense and shoulders set.

                “Sorry.” That one wasn’t audible but with how focused Herc was on him just at the moment he had no doubt the intent had been understood. He was going to give the Marshall more space but Herc caught his wrist with a careful grip to stop him. Herc leaned down so that their foreheads touched and Newton did his best to meet the man’s eyes through the tears.

                “You’re ok, you’re going to be ok. _He’s_ going to be ok.” Newton tried to protest, tried to say that they couldn’t say that just then. There was so many things that could still be wrong, so many reasons Hermann had been out when the rest had saved them back in the room, but Herc shut him up. “No, he will be ok. You’re both strong enough to get through this and you have nothing to be sorry for. This never should have happened and it’s me who should be sorry that I didn’t keep you both safe from this.”

                “Herc…” Tendo had returned and Herc pulled away from him though he kept a hand resting on Newton’s wrist to keep him close. “They said they’re willing to set up a second bed in here for Newt but they want you to take a mild sedative so you can try to get some sleep. You okay with that?” Tendo switched to talking to him part way through and Newton wanted to say no. He wanted to stay awake, he didn’t want to sleep, but he understood it was a compromise. He could stay in the room with Hermann but sleep or he’d have to go back to his original room and they’d still probably end up giving him a sedative if he didn’t sleep on his own. He sighed but mouthed an ok before trying to wipe some of the tears from his face. Tendo gave a short nod before stepping back out to talk to someone just outside the door.

                “Let’s sit until they’re ready,” Herc said, tilting his head in the direction of the couch that was pushed up against the wall where it’d be out of the way. Newton went along with the suggestion mainly because everything hurt again like new. He wasn’t sure if the painkiller wasn’t doing its job anymore of the exertion had just aggravated everything into being ten times more painful. He sat and curled up carefully. After a few seconds he hesitantly let himself rest against Herc and the man just tucked an arm around him without a word as a couple of nurses came in to get the empty half of the room set up for him to use.

 

                “You have to take it, Newton.” Mako and Raleigh were in the room now as Herc and Tendo had suddenly been called away which didn’t help Newton’s anxiety much because it had seemed like something was wrong. The nurse had brought the sedative that he was supposed to have in order to help sleep but Newton was second guessing the decision to agree to this. Mako was sitting on the edge of the bed beside him with an earnest look on her face. Raleigh had a hip leaned against the bed as well though his focus was towards the door of the room as he played sentry again. That was another thing, they had all been hovering like they were his personal body guards though Newt guessed that might have something to do with him sneaking off before.

                “What if something happened while I’m out though? Like, what if Hermann wakes up or…or…somebody weird shows up or something, I don’t know. What if there’s like an accomplice or something like that?” Mako gave him a sad look before taking his face in her hands with such carefulness that Newton figured he must look like hell.

                “Newton; nothing is going to happen,” Mako said with a determined reassurance. Raleigh glanced back at them both with that small frown on his face that was all concerned puppy.

                “Even if something did that’s why we’re here, Dr. Geiszler. But everything we’ve heard so far says the guy acted completely on his own.” Newton wasn’t certain just then if he found this more or less comforting than just believing that nothing bad was going to happen period. Still, Raleigh was right, there had been the constant presence of him, Mako or Herc in the room. Not that he didn’t give Tendo complete credit but he was far less intimidating than the other three but he’d been hovering close by as well. Who knew though, maybe Tendo had some badass street boxing training or something like that. Maybe he’d participated in illegal boxing matches down in the engineering rooms late at night over the last several years. Maybe Newton was panicking a little and something to calm him down wouldn’t be completely horrible.

                “I promise you that it’s a mild sedative. If we need to wake you because your partner wakes up or anything else you won’t be so out of it we can’t do so. You’ll be groggy but not comatose,” the nurse said with patience that you could barely tell was waning. She’d been the one that had pulled the strings to get him here and there Newton was backing out on his part of the deal. He sighed as he looked across to where Hermann was lying still and quiet just as before.

                “Ok but you have to wake me up if anything happens.”

                “We will, Dr. Geiszler, promise.” He nodded numbly and the nurse’s relief was clear as she finally handed over the pills for him to take with a glass of water. Newton had requested that the sedative be in pill form so he could see just what it was. His paranoia might have been running a little high on top of everything else but he didn’t think anyone could really blame him for that. He swallowed the pills at the same time as he tried to swallow down his fears that came with taking them. Mako gave him a gentle smile when he settled back against the pillows and waited for them to kick in. Maybe he’d be able to fight the affects if they weren’t strong, he’d uphold his part of the bargain by taking the sedatives but still not actually drift away into sleep. Mako and Raleigh both shifted away from the bed to give him some quiet but they stayed in the room; both of them at alert and they’d glance towards the door every few seconds or so. At least he wasn’t the only one that seemed to be suffering from a dose of paranoia.

                He’d been running through DNA coding sequences that he’d memorized from years of study in some attempt to keep his mind alert when it felt like he blinked and his surroundings shifted abruptly around him. He froze in place for a second before part of him comforted him with the fact that he was clearly asleep because he couldn’t be back in the lab in Hong Kong. Or maybe this was the lab in Sydney because things just seemed…off. It was dark and the room seemed more expansive than he ever remembered it being. It took him a few moments to process the voice he was hearing on repeat as his own and the words settled in with a sense of unease.

                _It’s all your fault, it really is…_ Somewhere in the dark space the recording of his first drift was playing like a broken record. He was standing next to one of the large tanks that was empty except for his reflection and the air seemed to be heavy and humid. He tried to get his bearings and focused on a familiar hum in the back of his mind as he almost wished himself awake. The hum blossomed as he concentrated on it though, growing to a melodic tune that brought every fiber within him to attention.

                “Hermann?” Newton had almost been afraid his voice would come out weak and broken here too but it sounded strong and natural as he called out. Hermann had to be here somewhere. That static buzz was still an overlay on top of the crest and fall of Hermann’s mental…aura, for lack of a better word. There was a tap on the inside of the glass of the tank beside him and Newton jumped, stumbling back into another and suddenly they all flickered to life around him with a shattered dancing green the color of sunlight filtering through leaves. In the tank staring back at him was a familiar face that didn’t exactly comfort him. The last time he’d seen this young version of Hermann it’d been disturbing and confusing. He at least understood who the kid was as he stared out at Newton with his hands pressed against the glass.

                “Catch me.” It was spoken like a plea and Newton gave a nervous laugh as he backed away from the tanks. Hermann had to be here, actual Hermann, the Dr. Gottlieb of the Present and not the shadow of his younger self that watched him with sad eyes. “Catch me please.” Newton’s back met something else and as blue light suddenly radiated out behind him he turned to face the chalk boards that had been blank before but were filling with scrawls of blue formula. Newton stared for a second in wonder before stepping forward to press a hand against the chalkboard which intensified the familiar calm blue that Hermann’s messy numbers and letters emitted. There was another hollow tap against the glass that stood a few feet behind him and he looked over his shoulder back towards kid Hermann who was now just pointed down towards the end of the line of tanks.

                Someone stood near the end of the tanks and Newton’s heart soared at first as he thought it was Hermann standing there staring at the last tank in the line. He started towards him but in the green light that seemed more eerie than beautiful like it had at first he saw the differences in the cut and angles of the man’s face and his steps slowed to a stop a few feet away. That thrum of energy that he knew had to belong to Hermann felt anxious and was drenched in guilt and disappointment. It had grown sharper and heavier as Newton had approached the man and felt almost toxic now.

                “Lars?” The man didn’t acknowledge him directly though he spoke almost immediately after Newton had said his name.

                “It’s hardly surprising that you failed. You have only yourself to blame for this.” _It’s all your fault, it really is…_ Newton heard his own voice echo the sentiment and he frowned as he tried to pinpoint where the echoed words came from. It was almost as though the tape recorder that played them back was moving around the dark edges of the room on its own; never in the same place on each repeated phrase. Newton squared his shoulders, determined to figure out what the hell Lars was doing here and where Hermann was and he had to remind himself that this was a _dream_. Still, that didn’t mean that if confronted imaginary Lars wouldn’t give him some information.

                “Lars, what’s-“ He’d taken one step and the older man was gone as though he’d vanished into thin air. Newton forced himself to keep moving forward to see what the elder Gottlieb had been staring at when he’d spoken. He rounded the edge of the tank sharply and came face to face with his reflection that was now a sickly green in the light glow. There was a sharp intake of breath somewhere below him and he looked down to see someone huddled down by the bottom of the tank, knees pulled up tight to his chest. Hermann stared up at him like Newton was a ghost, eyes wide and fearful while tears clung to his eyelashes. “Hermms?”

                “Don’t.”

                “Hermann, it’s me.” Newton slowly lowered himself down so he was face to face with the man who watched him with distrust. Newt felt a pain in his chest at that look and he reached out carefully with all the caution one would use when trying to calm a frightened animal. “Hey, you’re ok.” Hermann shrunk away from him, pressed back against the base of the tank until Newton’s hand rested on his shoulder. The touch seemed to surprise Hermann who flinched lightly but some of the fearful uncertainty faded from his eyes.

                “Newton?” He nodded in response because Newt felt just a little overwhelmed by all this and the hurt that he felt running like a thread from Hermann’s mind. Hermann moved forward suddenly and pulled Newton into a tight hug as he sobbed. “I’m so sorry, my darling. I’m so sorry, I failed.” Newton wrapped his arms around Hermann in return, brow creased at the apologies tumbling from Hermann’s lips.

                “Hermms, what do you mean? What is all this?”

                “Catch me.”

                “You shouldn’t be here. Why are you here? This isn’t where you belong, you should be…somewhere better than this.” Hermann pulled away from his just as suddenly as he’d taken hold of Newton as it seemed he didn’t hear the plea that came from his younger self who had relocated to the tank just above them. Hermann met his eyes for a moment before he looked past Newton at something that caused him to go still. Newton turned to try and see what it was and Hermann fought him for a second before he brushed him away, ready to defend Hermann against the figment of his father again only to find Chuck staring down at him. Everything inside of him ached painfully as he thought at first that Chuck was holding his gaze.

                “You’ll take care of him if I don’t come back won’t you?” It was Hermann that Chuck looked at as he spoke but Newton still couldn’t move as he felt panic and pain that wasn’t entirely his own build up. He heard somewhere behind him a sob break free from Hermann and the curtain to the emergency shower that stood a short distance away shifted and hissed as it moved. “Where the hell were you?” Newton closed his eyes tightly against the image of Chuck as he tried desperately to get a hold of himself because he felt that whining static grow louder even with Hermann behind him.

                He turned back to Hermann before he opened them again, determined not to look back at the ghost of his dead friend behind him. He understood what this was now, had realized the same haunted feeling that had driven him to seek out his own ghosts months back. He hadn’t really pushed Hermann to tell him what he’d seen back at the old hotel where Newton’s ghosts had come back to haunt him for all the things he regretted and had lost. Hermann had handled what had happened back then and Newton had just accepted that Hermann hadn’t had any lingering spirits he couldn’t handle. He’d been wrong though, he should have realized month ago with the nightmares and that painful burst of radio static and pain back in New York.

                Newton had needed a physical and tangible plan for his haunts to come to the surface. He had needed a place that felt suitable for all that lingering regret that had come with Caitlin’s death and his final words to her. Hermann’s ghosts had stayed locked away in this place though, this was the tightly secured spaces of Hermann’s guilt and self-blame. Hermann had chased all those memories and thoughts he’d pushed away for so long down the rabbit hole into his own nightmares. Newton cupped Hermann’s face in his hands and tried to get the man to focus on him instead of the specter behind him. He knew that the vision of Chuck was still standing there and as if to add to the fresh ache that seeing the man had caused Newt heard Caitlin’s voice now just to his left.

                “You’ll watch over him won’t you?” Newton took a deep breath and stayed focused on Hermann and tried to shut out what was going on around them as his own ill-advised and pride driven words played somewhere closer to them now. If he could find that damn tape recorder he’d snap it in half, rip out of the electronic parts that had copied down his words and crush them into bits. _It’s all your fault, it really is…_

                “Hermann, look at me.” Hermann shook his head though his hands gripped Newton’s shirt desperately as they kneeled on the floor. The younger version of Hermann shook his head as well inside the tank though he was at least looking at Newton instead of the presence around them.

                “Catch me.” Newton pressed their foreheads together so Hermann was forced to look at him instead of at Chuck and Caitlin. Hermann gave a quiet noise of distress as the tears welled up in his eyes once more but he didn’t try to pull away from Newton.

                “Hermann, this isn’t real. They’re just memories, they’re not actually here,” Newton said with a voice that was steadier than he felt. “I need you to talk to me. Ignore them for the moment and just focus on me.” Hermann took a stuttering breath but nodded awkwardly as Newton tilted his head just enough to press a quick chaste kiss to his lips. “Tell me why you think I shouldn’t be here. Let’s start with that.” He needed to know what Hermann thought this was because the man definitely didn’t seem to register that it was in essence an extremely vivid dream.

                “You don’t deserve this. You weren’t to blame, you deserve better than this, to be at peace at the least,” Hermann said in a broken voice. The curtain moved behind them once more and Hermann’s focus flickered towards it for just a moment and Newton got hit with a fearful unease. He suddenly found that he feared what was behind that curtain in a mirror of Hermann’s own fear. “I should have known that I would never be enough, that I couldn’t protect you anymore than I could all the others.”

                “Hermann, what’s behind the curtain?” Newton spoke quieter than before, that drumming fear took some of his control away from him and he glanced off to the side for just a second to find Caitlin standing there as she looked down at them. He closed his eyes against the image again and made himself stare into Hermann’s eyes once more after he’d pushed down the flicker of dread.

                “Where the hell were you?”

                “It’s hardly surprising that you failed.”

                “You’ll watch over him won’t you?”

                “Catch me….” It was Hermann who spoke the words this time. Not the younger memory of him but Newton’s Hermann.

                “I will, Hermms, I promise. Just tell me what’s behind the curtain.” Newton smoothed his thumbs over Hermann’s cheeks to wipe away some of the tears before he dropped his hands to the man’s shoulders. Hermann met his eyes and held them this time as there was an echo of something in Russian that sounded distant and drowned out by static. The lab fell quiet for a long time around them other than the repeating accusation in his own voice and the sound of water dripping in from somewhere.

                “You.” Newton frowned in confusion when he heard Hermann’s answer whispered back to him. He shook his head as he pulled away just a couple of inches so he could see the other man’s face more clearly. Hermann held the eye contact this time instead of being distracted and as Newton glanced around he realized that they were alone again. The tank glowed green behind Hermann but was now empty and even the voice recorder had fallen silent.

                “I can’t be behind the curtain. I’m right here, Hermms.” Hermann looked at him sadly as though Newton was missing some important piece of the puzzle. It felt like he was the one being comforted all the sudden as Hermann lifted a hand and smoothed it over Newton’s hair tenderly, eyes searching Newt’s face as though Hermann was trying to memorize the details. “Hermann.”

                “It’s your body, darling…” Hermann said it slowly like he did when he tried to get Newton to understand some fundamental piece of logic. That sense that maybe he’d been dreaming started to creep back around the edges. _I had expected silence…_ It was silent just then, the lab so still that it was easy to believe that death had come back for them.

                “I’m not dead, Hermann.” Newton said it with a false conviction. Hermann’s hands were shaking and he seemed to try so hard to keep himself together as he made his attempt at exposing Newton to the truth. The curtain started to dance behind them like a leak had sprung somewhere letting a breeze break through all that stillness. _The shot had rung out and it had felt like a breeze._ “Hermann, I’m not dead. I’m in the hospital, I’m in the same room as you. You’ve been unconscious but we’re not dead.”

                “You were somewhere better then,” Hermann said with a broken sense of remorse in his voice. “You shouldn’t have come looking for me, Newton, you should go back there. You don’t deserve this sort of eternity.”

                “Hermann, just stop. Will you listen to me? We’re not dead. You need to wake up, you’ve chased after all…all of this. That’s all. You need to come back and wake up,” Newton said though his certainty was slipping. If this was death, if Hermann’s afterlife was to be haunted by the things he blamed himself for wouldn’t Newton’s be continuing as though he was still alive with Hermann there but not all at once? Hermann always just out of reach as Newton wasted away waiting for him to come back. _Death should be silence._

                “Darling, I am so sorry. I wasn’t enough, I couldn’t protect you. I’m sorry that I can’t protect you from this,” Hermann said pained and the green of the tanks flickered and dimmed. There was static again and Newton could feel Hermann as he pulled away in his mind. He tugged back, refused to let Hermann slip back into the place of sorrow and onus.

                “Don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare, Hermann Gottlieb, we’re alive. We’re alive and you didn’t fail me or any of that shit. You need to listen to me.” The curtain felt like a breathing thing behind him now as it slithered and shifted, a thing stalking them as it tried to swallow at least one if not both of them whole. Hermann shook his head as he rejected his words and Newton gave a frustrated yell as he pushed himself up from the floor. He stomped towards the curtain as Hermann protested behind him and the images from his subconscious rose up to stop him. Lars first though Newton didn’t hold the same resigned fear of the man that Hermann tried to hide.

                When the figure changed into Caitlin trying to block his path Newton felt that sick twist in his gut but he kept going. He didn’t even try to step around her and instead walked right through her only to have another memory appear in front of him. Newton actually paused for Chuck, stopped momentarily in his tracks as the blue of the chalkboards that had held strong so far flickered and dimmed for the first time. Chuck held his gaze, steady and real as though the man was there, and Newton squared his shoulders. The truth would be behind that curtain and if there was anyone who would force both of them to look at that truth it would have been Chuck. With the thought something shifted in the atmosphere and Chuck nodded his head subtly before he stepped aside for him.

                “Newton…don’t.” Hermann sounded small and scared behind him as Newton faced the curtain, the last thing between him and whatever they would find there. _The shot had rung out and it had felt like a breeze._ The curtain billowed, reached for him and brushed against the toe of his shoe as Newton stared at it. Chuck still stood beside him, silent and watching but not interfering.

 _We’re not dead._ Newton took a deep breath and reached out to take hold of the curtain and pulled it aside almost violently. It would have been silence except that slow drip of water seemed to grow, speed up and turn into the trickle of a stream running down the walls. The space behind the curtain was empty, nothing but the wall and floor of the shower as they both stared. Newton felt a sense of relief but he could feel the undercurrent of Hermann’s confusion.

                “But…but that man…” The trickle of water changed into the sound of a river was water started to pour down the walls and ceiling all around them, raining down on them steadily. Newton turned to Hermann, dropped down in front of him again to kiss his lips violently. _They weren’t dead, they were alive._ “I don’t…”

                “You need to wake up Hermann,” Newton said breathlessly as the water started to pool around him, salty and clean, a physical flood of relief from the stillness of the K-Science labs. Hermann stared at him with complete disbelief and Newton looked at him sternly. “We’re alive, Hermann, so you better wake your ass up.”

                “But I…I failed. I couldn’t protect you, I couldn’t.”

                “You didn’t fail. You’ve never failed me Hermms. You kept me safe and we’re both alive but you need to wake up so I don’t have to come back in here to kick your ass again.” Some of that fear and guilt slipped from Hermann’s expression as he stared at Newton with is mouth agape. Amongst the pouring water Newton caught sight of Caitlin and Chuck standing a short ways away but there were no accusations, no requests to keep him safe.

                “We’re both alive?”

                “Mind boggling, I know,” Newton said a bit sarcastically and Hermann gave a quiet laugh. There was a crash and they were suddenly just floating amongst the water, blue and green light filtered through currents and rising bubbles. They kicked for the surface, hands gripping each other tightly to keep them from being separated. As they broke through to the air above Newton could hear Hermann take a deep breath.  

               

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've been thinking over this chapter for a ridiculously long time. I'm happy with it though I know I've left out bit and pieces I had thought of over the last like nine months since I first started ruminating over how to approach it. I hope it makes sense that Hermann is dealing with his own ghosts and the large amount of blame that he lays on his own shoulders. I always sort of saw Hermann as someone who internalized the hell out of everything which is why it builds up and engulfs him in a moment where he thinks he's commited the greatest act of failures, not being able to save Newton.  
> There's still one more chapter after this that will deal with the aftermath and wrap things up for this section of the Impression upon Space series. Hope to see you all there.


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